2011 has been a year from hell for me and my family. I already told you that my mum almost died of the swine flu and was in a coma for two months. Then in July she had a stroke and it was close, again. Then on September 7th she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia. After her first chemo treatment she came insanely close to death, yet again. We sat beside her bed watching her fighting for every breath. She didn't actually breathe on her own at all. The doctors and nurses told us they never thought she would make it. But suddenly she started to slowly improve. Since September 10th she's practically been living in the hospital in solitary confinement. It has taken its toll on all of us, and I can only say that I am as wrecked as I never was. It's like I can't breathe. On December 22nd my parents' neighbour and two of my best friends' dad died of cancer. I've known him since I was 3, and cared a lot for him and his whole family. The same day my dad's uncle died. A good thing was that mum was home for Christmas and we celebrated it at mum's sister's house. At 10.30 pm on Christmas Eve, in the midst of out celebration, my maternal granny had a stroke, and was taken by the ambulance to the hospital. Since then she has had two more strokes, and her left side is completely immobile. Yay! Just so there isn't any confusion; I've had it. I can't deal with anything of this any more. I go around with a constant lump in my throat, and feel like crying all the time. I am scared for my own mental health right now, and also those of my whole family. We're walking on eggshells and I feel that the world could crumble any minute now. I can't actually really well explain what I feel inside. I am numb, that is one thing. Nothing makes me happy, not even music or friends. I just want to crawl into foetal position and cry for weeks. It's just sooo fucking hard to live with that continuous uncertainly and pressure. In 2011 I had 6 days of holiday for the whole year, and I guess in the midst of all this shit I could have benefitted from a little more time off. Even though I do feel that work has been a saviour too. I think I would have gone completely bonkers hadn't I had my work and my wonderful colleagues. They have listened and cared for me, and I am immensely thankful for it. Especially my team leader Astrid has been truly marvellous and compassionate, and we have cried together several times. I love her for showing me the trust in sharing personal and intimate stuff with me, and thus making me feel better, loved, trusted and cared for. The sad thing is that the work I have now is only temporary and the truth is that I will be leaving on February 10th. I start a new job on the 15th. I can't manage to think about it, but I do notice that at work I withdraw a little from everyone, because I know it is all nearing its end. I think and hope I will like the new job, but who knows. It's not safe, it's insecure, scary, and new and I have a ton of new things to learn.
The great thing in my life is my beautiful and charming nephew Emilian. ♥ God, he has certainly brought some sunshine into our lives throughout last year.
Now I also feel a need to thank Laura, my dear friend from Italy. We got to know each other via blog-land, and we have never met in person, yet. However, I consider her one of my closest and dearest friends, and she has really been there for me during this hard time. We have talked as often as work and life in general would allow us. And by talk I mean skyping, talking not writing, and it has brought us even closer together. I appreciate her so much, and I am forever thankful for her and all that she is; a true friend in whom I trust completely. I love you Laura!
Now, this has been a very moody and somewhat dark entry. I will try, better than before, to write more often and also to write something a bit more cheerful. And on that note; have a great week folks.
Monsoon :-)
