Well, there is actually life...

So I thought I'd do what a dear friend told me; blog again. It's been a while, to say the least.

2011 has been a year from hell for me and my family. I already told you that my mum almost died of the swine flu and was in a coma for two months. Then in July she had a stroke and it was close, again. Then on September 7th she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia. After her first chemo treatment she came insanely close to death, yet again. We sat beside her bed watching her fighting for every breath. She didn't actually breathe on her own at all. The doctors and nurses told us they never thought she would make it. But suddenly she started to slowly improve. Since September 10th she's practically been living in the hospital in solitary confinement. It has taken its toll on all of us, and I can only say that I am as wrecked as I never was. It's like I can't breathe. On December 22nd my parents' neighbour and two of my best friends' dad died of cancer. I've known him since I was 3, and cared a lot for him and his whole family. The same day my dad's uncle died. A good thing was that mum was home for Christmas and we celebrated it at mum's sister's house. At 10.30 pm on Christmas Eve, in the midst of out celebration, my maternal granny had a stroke, and was taken by the ambulance to the hospital. Since then she has had two more strokes, and her left side is completely immobile. Yay! Just so there isn't any confusion; I've had it. I can't deal with anything of this any more. I go around with a constant lump in my throat, and feel like crying all the time. I am scared for my own mental health right now, and also those of my whole family. We're walking on eggshells and I feel that the world could crumble any minute now. I can't actually really well explain what I feel inside. I am numb, that is one thing. Nothing makes me happy, not even music or friends. I just want to crawl into foetal position and cry for weeks. It's just sooo fucking hard to live with that continuous uncertainly and pressure. In 2011 I had 6 days of holiday for the whole year, and I guess in the midst of all this shit I could have benefitted from a little more time off. Even though I do feel that work has been a saviour too. I think I would have gone completely bonkers hadn't I had my work and my wonderful colleagues. They have listened and cared for me, and I am immensely thankful for it. Especially my team leader Astrid has been truly marvellous and compassionate, and we have cried together several times. I love her for showing me the trust in sharing personal and intimate stuff with me, and thus making me feel better, loved, trusted and cared for. The sad thing is that the work I have now is only temporary and the truth is that I will be leaving on February 10th. I start a new job on the 15th. I can't manage to think about it, but I do notice that at work I withdraw a little from everyone, because I know it is all nearing its end. I think and hope I will like the new job, but who knows. It's not safe, it's insecure, scary, and new and I have a ton of new things to learn.

The great thing in my life is my beautiful and charming nephew Emilian. ♥ God, he has certainly brought some sunshine into our lives throughout last year.

Now I also feel a need to thank Laura, my dear friend from Italy. We got to know each other via blog-land, and we have never met in person, yet. However, I consider her one of my closest and dearest friends, and she has really been there for me during this hard time. We have talked as often as work and life in general would allow us. And by talk I mean skyping, talking not writing, and it has brought us even closer together. I appreciate her so much, and I am forever thankful for her and all that she is; a true friend in whom I trust completely. I love you Laura!

Now, this has been a very moody and somewhat dark entry. I will try, better than before, to write more often and also to write something a bit more cheerful. And on that note; have a great week folks.

Monsoon :-)

Here I go again

Call the BBC and CNN, for there she blogs again! So yes, perhaps it was time for a new entry. My God! It's been 3, 5 months without as much as a tiny sign from this place. What a tragedy! Haha!

I've been working as a social worker since February 1st, and it is going absolutely fabulous. I thrive there. Such a nice working environment; colleagues are fantastic and my work is also really, really enjoyable. According to my nearest leader I haven't done anything wrong yet, and she is very very happy with me (Those were her words, not mine). She also said that I was well structured, systematic, tidy and clever. So yes, all is well in Working-Ville. Yay for that!

My love life is a whole other story. But of course! It wouldn't be me if that department of my life wasn't in ruins and an entirely inept disaster. I've done it again; fallen for someone completely unattainable. That is SO 2005, if you ask me. I tire myself with these things, I really do. This person is one of the most fantastic persons I've ever met in my life. Needless to say; way older than me, but ooooh my gosh; attractive much!? Takes my breath away. Why can't my brain, mind and heart, NOT fall when the person in question is very married, and has been for years? I don't know. I am beginning to think there's something completely wrong with me, psychologically speaking. There ought to be a stop button inside of me, as to stop things like this from happening; that would surely help. Man! Give me a break. It is just like Bob all over again. Baaah... Anyway, maybe I like pain. Perhaps I am an unchangeable masochist and just not know it? ;-) Kidding! However, no wonder that I ponder upon the whole idea, when it happens for the second time. I mean, when I finally was able to fall for someone else than Bob, after six looooong years, it had to be a new married person? For feck's sake ! Though, mind you, being tragically in love enhances creativity, so I've written like three billion poems lately. Some of them quite good, some completely arse! But they're mine nevertheless, and they tell a story of who I was, and what I felt, in that moment.

On May 7th, we had a little miracle enter our family. My brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy called Emilian. It's the first baby in my family since my brother, who is 31, was little. It's just the two of us, and as you know; I haven't started propagating yet, and most likely won't ever. So Emilian is mum and dad's first grandchild. Huge thing for them. And for me as well; I've never been an aunt before. I can't stop looking at him. He was born 4 weeks early, and is quite tiny. The miracle of birth was especially welcome in my family at this point, as it was followed by another miracle. You see my mum almost died. She fought for her life, and was put in a coma for three weeks. The doctors seriously didn't think she'd make it, but then all of a sudden she turned for the better. So, from March up until recently, mum fighting for her life, is much the reason I wasn't able to write anything. I was entirely numb, and also utterly fatigued. However, things are better now, and I am finally finding myself feeling increasingly less stressed and weary.

Emilian and I




Weight wise; well I've lost 90 kilos, which is 198 lbs. It is a lot, and I am nearing the weight I want to be before surgeons will remove the apron of loose skin from my belly. Seriously, it looks and feels like a well-kneaded dough. Haha!

Well, that was a sign of life from this part of the world. Nothing much, but I hope my posts will be more frequent and also more interesting. Can't promise anything though.

Much love to you all

Monsoon

Magic with colours

I simply had to share these amazing paintings. I watched a programme on TV about the artist, where we got to see him work his magic with hands, fingers, brushes and so on. Somehow these pictures just moved me to tears. I don't know why. There's just so much emotion, talent, dedication and love for the colours and splendour of nature and buildings. He is just so able to convey this in these paintings. There's such a vivacity to be felt when you look at these. It makes me wander, in my thoughts, and it makes me dream and smile. So let me share some of his works here:

So, what did you think?! Isn't the use of colour just stunning? I love how he sees the world, and how he i able to share of this grandeur. Now, if you already like them and are impressed, I am guessing you well be immensely more impressed when I tell you about the artist himself. His name is Kieron Williamson, and he was 6, 7 or 8 when he painted these! Yes, you read correctly. 6, 7 and 8 years of age!!!! I find that astounding and remarkable. This child, this cute little sensitive boy made my day, and he crept into my heart and left a permanent mark. I am perplexed and in full awe and admiration of this child. Wow.

Here he is at work...

Well, that's all for today. Just had to share my amazement!

Love & Light - Monsoon -

Last days... New beginnings...

It's been almost a month since my last entry, and as many of you know; I got a job! Yay! I am starting tomorrow. I will be working as a social worker, well duh, within a municipality nearby. The title is welfare officer. I don't know exactly what my job will be though, but I will know for sure tomorrow. I don't know what the pay is yet either, as I have to hand in my testimonials from previous jobs I've had, for them assess the exact pay I shall receive. I know what the minimum wage is, but I know I will get more than that, as I have worked before and that counts too. Service increment I guess it's called. I really can't wait to earn money and have something to go to every day, after all those years of school. If I had loads of money, I'd gladly do the Master's Degree in social work, as there is a lack in people doing that around here, but it's just too costly. And I don't think the pay afterwards works as an incentive either. It doesn't balance the amount of years in school well at all. Well, that is the case for many occupations here. Especially the more typically female dominated professions...

Now that the day is almost here I am scared. Scared I won't be good enough. Scared I won't be able to carry out the job to a satisfactory level. In my sensible place, I know it's thick to think that, but in my more fragile self, I can't help it... I know that I have a really strong professional strength behind me, as I got great grades and all that. But it's the actual execution of the work, dealing with loads of different clients every day that I am anxious about. Also, this is one of the last things on my list of reclaiming my life. (I have three more things, but more on them a different time) I have grown, learnt, changed, and evolved a lot in the last 10 years. I've gone through a lot; from being every sexually and emotionally harassed/abused at work; being almost raped and others things, which lead to depression, times of self-loathe, feeling of inadequacy, feeling of guilt, over-eating, self-medicating on sweets to soften the dark thoughts of my soul and mind, and even times of anxiety. As I think about all those things, my tears are actually running silently down my cheeks right now. Not over sadness, but over bewildered joy and pride, that I've reclaimed the self-love, self-pride, self-esteem, contentment, positivism, strength and balance from my younger years. You know, before I started to destroy myself... (In addition I've completed my education and lost lots of weight). I didn't destroy myself consciously, to begin with, but I think in the end it came to that. I felt so much hatred against who I was, who I'd become, what my body was like, and all that, that I felt I might as well just make it even worse. I guess, deep inside, I didn't think I was worthy of anything better. Then one day I met Bob, and he managed, without knowing it obviously, to totally turn that around. In just one week my thoughts started to change and I felt again that I was actually worth a better life. And that is what I have done now. I won! I actually did. I won over myself, with great help from him. I know people say that it isn't his doing, but frankly they have no fucking clue. They have no idea what was going in inside of me. They don't even know that I quite often longed for death to free me from the horror and misery of what I used to call life. They don't know that I didn't live, that I merely existed until I met him. All the things he did for me, by being who he was, can never be put into words. No words will ever suffice to describe it. Also the fact that he saw me; he totally and utterly saw me for exactly how I want to be seen. He saw beyond the obesity and the sadness in my eyes. He saw the strong intelligent woman, and somehow he was able to lure her out again. How can I not be forever grateful for that? In my view he saved my life. I seriously don't think I'd be here if I hadn't met him. He is my angel, perhaps sent to me, who knows? And to top it off, it was "that thing" between us as well, which made it all even stronger. So, yes, no matter what others might think; to me the date January 12th 2005 will always stand out as the "Monsoon" before, and after, date...

Now I'm going to unwind and relax with watching a wonderful BBC programme called "Escape to the country", a real-estate programme, and then I'm off to bed. And I will tell myself this; you will do well in this job, you just don't know, or realise it, yet...

Love & light - Monsoon

Frosted

So, yesterday was exactly one year since my surgery, and I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't believe just how far I've come in that year. I am so pleased with the result, and I am also really proud of myself for having done so well. I am not saying I am perfect, of course I have my days with eating that isn't 100 % healthy, but in general I do eat really healthy. As of today I've lost 75, 5 kilos (166 lbs) in 13 months, as I started on a special pre-surgery diet on December 7th 2009... So yeah, I am happy with it.

The only thing missing now is a job, and perhaps someone to share my life with. Sometimes I think it will never happen for me, but then, if that's how my life is supposed to be like, being single I mean, then I will have to live with that. There are a lot of things to get over and to heal from before I am ready to try to dare to fall in love again. Which is one of the many reasons I think about moving to Australia. I feel I need a change. Something new to breathe in. A new life, a new phase, a new start, new warm climate, and not to mention, new impulses and people that might take my mind off things it shouldn't think about. I know that the love you feel inside won't magically stay at the airport when I leave, but I am hoping that all the new life I would have to get used to, and such, would help me. This place surely hasn't. How wonderful it would be to meet other single persons to befriend and spend time with. I love my friends, but almost all of them are in such different places in their lives, than me, and I would love to have some more single friends to hang with on a more daily basis, as that is what I miss. I am alone a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes me feel lonely. I like my own company, but it can get a bit much. All the time spent alone has made me appreciate the solitude, and sometimes I even prefer it, and that actually scares me. Because I am, from birth of, a very social person, and I want to stay that way, you know?! I fear I am not able to convey what I mean, as the two things I've written sound contradictory... I guess it is hard to explain, and perhaps I am ambiguous in my ways right now. I think that I am scared that the constant solitude will lead to a preferred hermit-like life.

Love is a fickle thing. So is life, so is our emotions. I was talking about the whole Bob thing with a friend the other day, and I said to her that I fear it will never pass, for real, but that I hope I can find someone else to love and share my life with. Then she asked; but are you up for settling for less? No was my answer, but what real choice do I have? It's been 6 years, in 6 days, and I kind of ask myself this question; when will it pass when it hasn't done so in six years? It's not like I haven't tried. I don't want to love him, for fuck's sake! Man, sometimes I really wish I had never met him, never fallen so fucking hard that every thought is his, never seen the truth in his eyes... I have asked to be relieved from this, but it just isn't happening. "Everyone" keeps telling me to move on, but when you've tried every damn thing to do so, and it still isn't working, what to do? I wish, oh so desperately, that a magic off-switch existed, but alas, no such thing has been invented. Seriously, I'd die to be rid of these insanely strong feelings. I have one more thing to try, and that involves him, and that is the hard part. I think he is scared stiff of being alone with me, for obvious reasons, but I have to ask. I will do so, but not quite yet.

I am chilly inside

So cold inside
Empty
Blinded
By memories
which I don't want
to embody my whole being

Why is it so hard
to lie under frosted layers
of air
And feel the chills that your absence produces

One big thing this year

So now 2010 is nearing its end, and I am left to try to welcome the new year. 2010 has flown by like a Jet plane to me. When 2011 comes I am sure I shall think that we actually skipped 2010, that is how fast time flew. I did go through a lot this year, both physically and emotionally. I have shed 73, 5 kilos, and that is a lot. It's a whole fucking person! I really don't know what to say other than thank all my friends from all over the place; Norway, Italy, France, Ireland, Scotland, England, Venezuela, Argentina, Iran, Canada and USA, and all other countries. Thank you for your moral support, for your wise words, for sticking with me, for believing in me, for cheering me on, for telling me that I am beautiful, for good laughs and tears shed, for the tiring hours listening/reading about my whining about Bob, (yet another year!) for encouragements and most of all just for being my friends and caring about me. The feeling is mutual, believe me. You are SO important to me, all of you and I love each one of you.

So you might wonder what the heck this headless person is, and what is she wearing? Is it a tight skirt?! Well, she is me, and I am wearing the trousers I wore a year ago. Only this time I was able to fit into one of the legs of the trouser. Isn't it fun? Isn't cool?

And this is the "proof", pulling out the other leg form behind. Hahaha! And then the next one is me showing the big t-shirt I wore...

And these three pictures also capture and sum up 2010 for me. Three faces of the same woman, a woman who has changed a lot, not only on the outside, but also inside of herself. She had found herself, her true self again, (and she speaks of herself in third person too actually ;-)) and she is learning new things every day about what she is, and who she wants to be. It is a very exciting journey. I know one of the pictures has sunglasses on, but that particular one kind of really shows the fatness of my neck and face, and also hides the sorrow in those blue eyes, which is good. I cringe when I see myself, it actually feels like ten years ago, and it was only a little over a year ago. I wasn't even at my biggest on those pictures!! You can press it to view it in a bigger version.


I look forward to 2011 because I know that that will be the year that I will meet some of you for the first time, face to face, and you have no idea just how much I am looking forward to that. I can't wait to hold you and give you a long big warm hug in real life, and not just virtual ones.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!

Love, light and hope - Monsoon -

Season's greetings

I just want to say Merry Christmas to all my friends in blogland around the world.

God Jul, Buone Feste Natalizie, Nollaig Shona Duit, Feliz Navidad, Счастливого Рождеств, Froehliche Weihnachten, Boze Narodzenie, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Natal!!!

Hope you who celebrate will have a wondrous and blissful time with family and friends.

Much love and hugs from snowy cold Norway, White Christmas here you see... It is actually snowing heavily right now, as I look out my kitchen window. I took this picture out my balcony door this morning. Love the colours of a cold winter morning.

Inspirational people

I thought I'd write about someone who inspired/inspires me. I have three people, one is a former teacher, one is my mum and one is an American man.

The teacher's name is Dag Johannessen, and he is a remarkable man and teacher. His way of teaching, inspiring us, lifting us up, giving of himself and his free time, teaching us to believe in our abilities is just extraordinary! He has a way with words that is fantastic, both in writing and speaking, and hearing him talk about history makes you love it even more than you did before. He can transform even the most hardcore history haters into wanting to learn learn learn history. His passion for it is so apparent, and this is profoundly contagious. Attending his lessons are by far the best ones I have ever experienced, and I will never forget it. His wisdom will forever be with me, and I treasure it immensely.

The American man is totally inspiring just by living his simple life and making the most of it. He was born in Egypt with cerebral palsy, and started his life being thrown into a trash can. But the newborn had a will to live, so he made little weeping sounds and someone found him. I don't know the depth of the story, but I know he came to USA at age 4 to be treated for cerebral palsy and that he ended up living there. He sought out, at an early stage, to pay back to the country and community who had helped him with numerous operations and trained him. He started a coffee shop called "More than coffee", where most of the profit goes to various charities. This man is called Sam Malek, and he is dependent on crutches to walk around. He has arthritis and some other things too, but does this stop him? No. He is married and has two kids, and he lives to serve God and the people who are in dire need of change, material, emotional, mental, physical and monetary. His little shop employs people with different challenges, be it physical or mental, and tries to empower them in all the ways. He also teaches them to believe in themselves, and he teaches us that people with disabilities only want to be treated like any other person. The only difference is that you might have to show a little more patience with working with them, that's all, according to Sam. I first gained knowledge of this astounding man when I watched the TV-show "Extreme makeover - home edition", where they in addition to giving a family with disabled kids a new home, they also gave Sam a bigger shop that was better suited for wheelchairs. This because Sam was so sad that wheelchairs couldn't get in before. I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget the look of Sam's face when he understood that this was actually happening. How proud, moved and happy he was when he saw that he now also could employ people in wheel chairs. I cried like a baby, and I still do every time I see this episode! WOW! They knew they could help Sam because he could certainly be trusted to pay it forward, as that is his motto. Paying it forward, one cup at a time. Look at my tote bag, which I bought from his store at the coffee shop's website: More than coffee 

 

Here's Sam when he saw his new shop for the first time

Since I live in Norway, and thus quite far from St- Louis, I thought the least I could do was to buy a little something to support him and his amazing work. (When I get a job I will certainly buy more stuff!!) This is a guy who had all odds against him, literally thrown into the garbage like no one wanted him, but rose to the occasion and became a man in the best sense of the word. Just writing about him has me all moved... This is what I wrote in his guest book: "Hi Sam! A while ago I watched the Extreme makeover episode where you so deservingly get a brand new Coffee shop. I have to say I have never shed more tears in my life, while watching a TV show. They were tears of pride, joy, awe and admiration. I was so touched and inspired by your story, you have no idea!! You are truly the most remarkable person I have ever "seen". The strength your eyes conveyed was amazing. I can't even explain how much you and your story changed me, no words would suffice basically. THANK YOU for being the human being you are! I dearly hope to be able to order coffee right from your beautiful shop one day. If I ever go to the USA again, it will be my first stop. Bless you and your family!

The third is my mum; a fighter as well. Born disabled, without hip joints in both her hips. Spent the first three years of her life in plaster up to her under arms. Her parents could only look at her through a window in the hospital. So I guess you can assume that there wasn't a lot of love and caring touches given to her during those imperative three first years of her life. To top it off; when they operated on her back then, they used NO anaesthesia at all. Can you imagine getting NEW hips/joints without any anaesthesia?! No wonder my mum is a bit "scared" of hospitals. My mum has lived her whole life in horrible pain, and was misdiagnosed for many many years. She should have gotten new joints as a child, but didn't get them before she was 39 and 40. By that time her hips was actually relying on her pelvis bone for support, and thanks to that her pelvis is crooked and worn down. According to doctors it was a huge miracle that she could even stand erect. Now, her left hip had gotten really bad again, and her left foot has gotten shorter due to this. She is so crooked inside, it's madness! Also she had absolutely no bones left around her hip. She had surgery on November 18th. They had to build her bones (bone transplantation), to have anything at all to fasten the new hip/joint with. She is back home now and is reliant on crutches, as she can't put any pressure on her left foot, until January 13th. She is so strong, both physically and mentally, and I admire her no end. To have such a strength; I could only wish! Despite her situation she is always compassionate and eager to help all others, and rarely, too rarely if you ask me, does she ask for anything in return. I am so glad she is my mum, and also one of my best friends. Since she came home from the hospital I have been able to help her out a lot, as I am not working now. I've been helping her dress, and I have massaged her, given her foot baths and cleaned the house. Every day I have been up there, and I am only glad to finally be able to give something back to her. She's a star! Mum at her 58th birthday this year. 

Love and light - Monsoon -