One big thing this year

So now 2010 is nearing its end, and I am left to try to welcome the new year. 2010 has flown by like a Jet plane to me. When 2011 comes I am sure I shall think that we actually skipped 2010, that is how fast time flew. I did go through a lot this year, both physically and emotionally. I have shed 73, 5 kilos, and that is a lot. It's a whole fucking person! I really don't know what to say other than thank all my friends from all over the place; Norway, Italy, France, Ireland, Scotland, England, Venezuela, Argentina, Iran, Canada and USA, and all other countries. Thank you for your moral support, for your wise words, for sticking with me, for believing in me, for cheering me on, for telling me that I am beautiful, for good laughs and tears shed, for the tiring hours listening/reading about my whining about Bob, (yet another year!) for encouragements and most of all just for being my friends and caring about me. The feeling is mutual, believe me. You are SO important to me, all of you and I love each one of you.

So you might wonder what the heck this headless person is, and what is she wearing? Is it a tight skirt?! Well, she is me, and I am wearing the trousers I wore a year ago. Only this time I was able to fit into one of the legs of the trouser. Isn't it fun? Isn't cool?

And this is the "proof", pulling out the other leg form behind. Hahaha! And then the next one is me showing the big t-shirt I wore...

And these three pictures also capture and sum up 2010 for me. Three faces of the same woman, a woman who has changed a lot, not only on the outside, but also inside of herself. She had found herself, her true self again, (and she speaks of herself in third person too actually ;-)) and she is learning new things every day about what she is, and who she wants to be. It is a very exciting journey. I know one of the pictures has sunglasses on, but that particular one kind of really shows the fatness of my neck and face, and also hides the sorrow in those blue eyes, which is good. I cringe when I see myself, it actually feels like ten years ago, and it was only a little over a year ago. I wasn't even at my biggest on those pictures!! You can press it to view it in a bigger version.


I look forward to 2011 because I know that that will be the year that I will meet some of you for the first time, face to face, and you have no idea just how much I am looking forward to that. I can't wait to hold you and give you a long big warm hug in real life, and not just virtual ones.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!

Love, light and hope - Monsoon -

Season's greetings

I just want to say Merry Christmas to all my friends in blogland around the world.

God Jul, Buone Feste Natalizie, Nollaig Shona Duit, Feliz Navidad, Счастливого Рождеств, Froehliche Weihnachten, Boze Narodzenie, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Natal!!!

Hope you who celebrate will have a wondrous and blissful time with family and friends.

Much love and hugs from snowy cold Norway, White Christmas here you see... It is actually snowing heavily right now, as I look out my kitchen window. I took this picture out my balcony door this morning. Love the colours of a cold winter morning.

Inspirational people

I thought I'd write about someone who inspired/inspires me. I have three people, one is a former teacher, one is my mum and one is an American man.

The teacher's name is Dag Johannessen, and he is a remarkable man and teacher. His way of teaching, inspiring us, lifting us up, giving of himself and his free time, teaching us to believe in our abilities is just extraordinary! He has a way with words that is fantastic, both in writing and speaking, and hearing him talk about history makes you love it even more than you did before. He can transform even the most hardcore history haters into wanting to learn learn learn history. His passion for it is so apparent, and this is profoundly contagious. Attending his lessons are by far the best ones I have ever experienced, and I will never forget it. His wisdom will forever be with me, and I treasure it immensely.

The American man is totally inspiring just by living his simple life and making the most of it. He was born in Egypt with cerebral palsy, and started his life being thrown into a trash can. But the newborn had a will to live, so he made little weeping sounds and someone found him. I don't know the depth of the story, but I know he came to USA at age 4 to be treated for cerebral palsy and that he ended up living there. He sought out, at an early stage, to pay back to the country and community who had helped him with numerous operations and trained him. He started a coffee shop called "More than coffee", where most of the profit goes to various charities. This man is called Sam Malek, and he is dependent on crutches to walk around. He has arthritis and some other things too, but does this stop him? No. He is married and has two kids, and he lives to serve God and the people who are in dire need of change, material, emotional, mental, physical and monetary. His little shop employs people with different challenges, be it physical or mental, and tries to empower them in all the ways. He also teaches them to believe in themselves, and he teaches us that people with disabilities only want to be treated like any other person. The only difference is that you might have to show a little more patience with working with them, that's all, according to Sam. I first gained knowledge of this astounding man when I watched the TV-show "Extreme makeover - home edition", where they in addition to giving a family with disabled kids a new home, they also gave Sam a bigger shop that was better suited for wheelchairs. This because Sam was so sad that wheelchairs couldn't get in before. I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget the look of Sam's face when he understood that this was actually happening. How proud, moved and happy he was when he saw that he now also could employ people in wheel chairs. I cried like a baby, and I still do every time I see this episode! WOW! They knew they could help Sam because he could certainly be trusted to pay it forward, as that is his motto. Paying it forward, one cup at a time. Look at my tote bag, which I bought from his store at the coffee shop's website: More than coffee 

 

Here's Sam when he saw his new shop for the first time

Since I live in Norway, and thus quite far from St- Louis, I thought the least I could do was to buy a little something to support him and his amazing work. (When I get a job I will certainly buy more stuff!!) This is a guy who had all odds against him, literally thrown into the garbage like no one wanted him, but rose to the occasion and became a man in the best sense of the word. Just writing about him has me all moved... This is what I wrote in his guest book: "Hi Sam! A while ago I watched the Extreme makeover episode where you so deservingly get a brand new Coffee shop. I have to say I have never shed more tears in my life, while watching a TV show. They were tears of pride, joy, awe and admiration. I was so touched and inspired by your story, you have no idea!! You are truly the most remarkable person I have ever "seen". The strength your eyes conveyed was amazing. I can't even explain how much you and your story changed me, no words would suffice basically. THANK YOU for being the human being you are! I dearly hope to be able to order coffee right from your beautiful shop one day. If I ever go to the USA again, it will be my first stop. Bless you and your family!

The third is my mum; a fighter as well. Born disabled, without hip joints in both her hips. Spent the first three years of her life in plaster up to her under arms. Her parents could only look at her through a window in the hospital. So I guess you can assume that there wasn't a lot of love and caring touches given to her during those imperative three first years of her life. To top it off; when they operated on her back then, they used NO anaesthesia at all. Can you imagine getting NEW hips/joints without any anaesthesia?! No wonder my mum is a bit "scared" of hospitals. My mum has lived her whole life in horrible pain, and was misdiagnosed for many many years. She should have gotten new joints as a child, but didn't get them before she was 39 and 40. By that time her hips was actually relying on her pelvis bone for support, and thanks to that her pelvis is crooked and worn down. According to doctors it was a huge miracle that she could even stand erect. Now, her left hip had gotten really bad again, and her left foot has gotten shorter due to this. She is so crooked inside, it's madness! Also she had absolutely no bones left around her hip. She had surgery on November 18th. They had to build her bones (bone transplantation), to have anything at all to fasten the new hip/joint with. She is back home now and is reliant on crutches, as she can't put any pressure on her left foot, until January 13th. She is so strong, both physically and mentally, and I admire her no end. To have such a strength; I could only wish! Despite her situation she is always compassionate and eager to help all others, and rarely, too rarely if you ask me, does she ask for anything in return. I am so glad she is my mum, and also one of my best friends. Since she came home from the hospital I have been able to help her out a lot, as I am not working now. I've been helping her dress, and I have massaged her, given her foot baths and cleaned the house. Every day I have been up there, and I am only glad to finally be able to give something back to her. She's a star! Mum at her 58th birthday this year. 

Love and light - Monsoon -

November rain, or was it snow?

Do you know what I really loathe? Drivers who can't follow the speed limits... Like yesterday I was driving home, at night, from visiting my dear friend Rønnaug. I was left behind one car that annoyed me so much I was flipping him constantly, and also giving out to him loudly. Yeah, like he could hear me, or see the finger, as I flipped him in such a way only I could see it. Anyway, when the speed limit was 50 Km/h, he drove much faster, and then when the speed limit went up to 80, he drove in 50. He kept on driving stupidly all the way, and I could not overtake him either. Could I have become more irate? No. How can it be so difficult to just drive what the limit says? I am what you would call an angry driver, at times. When I see pure stupidity, hazardous behaviour, cutting in front of me when I am driving fast so that I have to hit the brakes hard, horrible overtakes, and also when I see people believing they are the God of the roads and think they are the only people on the road, I get fuming. However, although I am angry, I never ever take chances and do moronic decisions which could jeopardize both mine and others people's lives. Like I said I was driving home from Rønnaug yesterday night. We had a fantabulous evening together. Here's a photo from when we sat outside while she was having a fag. It was cold, and it was actually snowing, though luckily only lightly.


Weight wise; I have now lost a little over 70 kilos, which is 154 lbs. I am happy about that. Also I am really chuffed that I lost 5 cm in the waist in just one week. Wow. I am really starting to see that I have a figure and a shape underneath it all. Yay!

Work wise; no fucking news. I try to keep positive, but it is getting increasingly difficult, I must say. I keep saying to myself that the jobs I didn't land, weren't the right for me, and that I wouldn't have been content in them, and that something way better awaits down the line. Let us just hope that line is kind of short. *lol*

Life in general wise; so and so... I don't feel like getting into all that, it's too negative.

I want to share a poem though:

Frost on my lips

Have you come to keep me warm
Tonight
Under sheets of frost
and cold wet trees
Under a dark blue sky
filled with stars and hope

Is the night nearing its end
when your gaze gives me chills
When it sticks to my lips
and leaves them blue

You came to keep me cold
like only you can

Love and light - Monsoon -

A tiny video message

So I decided to have a go, after all your requests. Sorry about the hairdo, it's a bloody mess today! :-) Also, I do look a bit over nervous and excited, so don't mind all the odd facial expressions!! Haha!

October, and the trees are stripped bare, for all they wear

I figured I had to give blogging another round as October is nearing its end... At least then I've blogged seven times in one month. Not that I will ever again beat my blogging mania of September 2006, when I had 42 entries! How could I have anything to write about!? Perhaps I had a more exciting life back then, or perhaps I was even more screwed up!? ;-)

I've had a weird weekend really. Been almost completely alone all the time. Don't get me wrong, I like being alone. I like my own company, as odd as that might sound. I don't like it when I feel lonely because of the obvious, but that wasn't the protruding feeling this weekend actually. I've mostly spent it eating, having a "Two and a half men" marathon on DVD, stared at the wall and daydreaming, sat in front of the computer, skulking around the flat, cuddling and playing with the cat, listened to music and also had my weekly foot bath. Today I also cleaned the fridge and I think you could lick it, that's how super clean it is. However, as I was putting all the shelves and racks back in again, suddenly I could not, for the love of God, get the bottle rack in the right way. I swear I was irate into the thousands, to say the least! Now that wasn't my brightest moment as well you can imagine. And I am usually a very technical and practical person, so wow! *lol* I did manage it in the end though... I also had a lovely talk with my newly made mum of two, Irene, which was great. She told me about the birth and all, which was really nice to hear!

The weight is going down again, thankfully. I have now lost 67 kilos, which is 147, 4 lbs. When I have lost 70,1 I will have reached a milestone weight wise, so I am really looking forward to that! How shall I celebrate, perhaps by buying a new top or something, if I can afford it? The ones I bought like two months ago are a bit too wide now. If I could just find some that I actually like. The fashion nowadays sucks if you ask me. And also; where have all the V-necked tops gone into hiding? Being a large-chested woman I need my V-neck!! 

This is my God child Ernst. Isn't he cute? This is in my parents' kitchen. His mum and I have been friends since we were 2 and 3 years old. I was at his 1st birthday party this month. It was a lovely day, despite the bad news his family got the day before; remember I told you about a man who got lung cancer, in an earlier post? That man is Ernst's maternal grand father. Bless them all!

Well, this was a sign of life from me. I hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

This is SO 2005!

Why can't I just rejoice and become wholly taken with good emotions towards the really terrific thing in my life right now, which is losing weight? It bugs me. Instead there is always that constant craving, that constant sub flavour... That thing is always present, lurking at the back of my head. A presence within where only I can feel it, like to taunt me. My stomach is in constant upheaval, you know that feeling you have when you dread something, or actually the feeling you have when you just met someone that you are in love with. Argh! Instead what is happening at the moment is that is keeps getting stronger, and to be honest it feels like it is out of my hands. Because no matter what I do, nothing changes. A long time ago I "surrendered this case to God", and told him that I can't deal with it, I can't see what to do, where to go, how to feel about it, and I don't know what will cure me. I can't say, feel or see that it helped. There have been "quieter" times during these years, but now it's flipping worse than ever. Why? Why now, after not seeing him for over 4 years? I do not get it. I am weary and I just want time to go fast so that I can try the last thing on my list to try to shed this. I can't do it now, I need more time. I will get over it one day. I must! What is there to be learnt from this? I haven't a clue!

The weight is at a standstill at the moment, and I am getting increasingly frustrated over it. I know that I can't expect miracles every day, but it would be really nice to lose some at least. I did lose 6 cm in my waistline in the last 2 weeks, that's something... Maybe it is because I am not content at the moment? I feel drained and unhappy. I have to try getting my zest back. During this week I think around 15 people have come up to me at the grocery shop, at the pharmacy, etc and said: Oh you look so pretty, you are gorgeous, you look great etc etc, and I just smile and say thank you. The thing is though, that right now I don't give a shite, because I don't feel it from within. Did I tell you I must get a grip? Wake up and smell the greatness of what I have, instead of what I don't have: Bob, a job and money... Suck it up "biatch" *lol*

I am thankful for music in my life. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without it. Also, I am forever thankful for all my friends who have stood by me through this. Especially those who never judged and who also believed me when I told them about "it all"... I think Rønnaug has endured the most, and she still doesn't mind me nagging about it. At least she says so... She was here Friday and we had a really fabulous evening. I laughed out loud several times, and it felt good in my whole body.

Sunday morning, and I am soon off for my usual Sunday visit to gran. Look, she knitted me a new hat for winter. I love it. I am enjoying the sun on a cold crisp day on my balcony... Well, on this photo I was out of the sun though, as you can see... :-)  



Well, signing off... Thank God you say!? Yeah, I know... I feel that way too. ;-)  

Love and light - Monsoon -

whatnot

Welcome to Lonely Island, population; ME! At least that's how I feel today, and have for a little while. I am not the usual cheerful me these days. (well, I mean I've been quite cheerful after the surgery and all that...) The thing is, I have felt this type of lonely ever since I left one particular building, four years and four months ago. The one where Bob is. I know you are all more than sick and tired of hearing about him and all the things surrounding this, but if you don't want to read it, skip this post, simple as that. I need to vent, and it is my blog and my "screwed" up heart, mind, soul and body... I used to deal with it by keeping my emotions at bay by eating and stuffing my face, as you all are aware of by now. And, so now I am actually battling it a little. I want to stuff my face, a little bit. Not at all to the same extent as before, but still, it's there. It will be my battle for as long as I shall live, that's just how things are with me. Food and sweets have always been my comfort, and will never stop being so. We all have our own built in, though acting out, "survival kits", and mine is food. Someone else's might be drugs, smoke, alcohol, gambling, sex etc etc... the thing is though, that I have absolutely no lust for food, like from a craving point of view. It doesn't tempt me at all, and I don't feel hungry like ever! Yet, I do want to do what I call "panic eat", "force feed" or "obsessive eat"... I eat, just because it feels like I need it, I MUST have it, or else my life will fall into bits. So, my way of dealing with it right now is writing, I write a lot of poetry about Bob and other stuff too. I write in my journal and I write this blog. In addition I try to be more with friends and to try to have fun basically, to try to fill the obvious VOID that the love of my life left. Because the truth of the matter is, no matter how cliché it might sound; my soul is lonely without him. Almost none of you know the whole story behind this, and that is due to me wanting to protect his privacy, so I will never disclose the whole thing here. I know of course that if I told you, you would probably understand it all a little better. However I respect him too much to jeopardise anything in is life... I just sort of wish that love was easier. I thought I knew love before, but I didn't. And for the first time in my life I totally and utterly love one person, and what luck; he can't be mine. I also sort of wish that the pressure on my chest would leave me alone.


Lonely

It's all so scary at this side of the world
This single loveless place
The emptiness of my heart
The longing for something I don't even know

It's so scary sitting here by myself
Watching and listening
As year after year goes by
And I'm still stuck here
In myself
In my own body
In my own soul
I just sit
Wait
Gaze

It's all so scary in this white room
Where there's no hope for what's coming
Only disillusions and loneliness
And yearning for some truth to unveil itself 


Yeah, sulking and feeling sorry for myself today. That's life I guess.
I'll stop now

Monsoon

Conversing...

So I guess sex is not the way to go, in this blog I mean. Was I perhaps a tad too open and honest about it? It seems you all stayed away from commenting on one subject I for one thought would muster up more than one comment. But, perhaps it was my inconclusive writing that did it? Who knows...

Anyway, here I am again, and I can tell you that that wasn't the last time the aforementioned S-word is on my mind, and therefore also on this blog...

On Friday I had a good friend over. He came at 6 and had to leave at 1 am, because that's when the last train leaves, and he lives 50 km from here so a taxi is out of the question! Those seven hours flew by, and we were really annoyed that he had to leave at that stage. I know many of you might ask why didn't he just stay the night, well, he is engaged and has a live-in girlfriend, so it wouldn't be "appropriate" really. We had such a great evening/night, with food, MUSIC, concerts on DVD, talk, almost peeing my knickers cause I laughed so much, and did I mention music!? Vegar is such a terrific guy, and so much fun. All in all an excellent night.

Started today with a good power walk in the forest, and now I am left with a 'kabooming' headache as a result of that. Thank you! That's a nice prize for trying to be good. The weather was gorgeous and the air fresh, so it did me good too.

On Friday I also got my new pair of Converse All-star shoes. Thanks to my dear friend Ingvild, who lives in London! She ordered them and sent them as a "birthday gift" to me, as they couldn't send them to Norway. But she also did it because of Norway's stupid custom rules. (you can't buy things from abroad for over around £ 20, unless you want to pay a fee + 25 % on VAT for importing the goods! Have I said that I completely and utterly fail to agree with that sum, and also that I loathe the whole idea. I mean, come one, what do you get for £ 20 these days!? Argh!) They are part of a limited edition things where they pay tribute to great "old" bands. I of course got the ones tributed to my beloved "the Who". I wore them grocery shopping yesterday, and I couldn't take my eyes off my feet, seriously. I felt so cool. Odd maybe, but I did... They have the Union Jack (flag) sewed onto them, as The Who are well known for their use of the flag in various ways. Here are a few photos of them. 

Last week I applied for three different jobs. I have my heart set on one of them and I really really hope I'll get it. The job itself isn't my dream job, but the shift is. You work 14 hours a day for 7 days, then you have 2-3 weeks off. It's bloody perfect for a single girl wanting to travel to visit my wonderful (blog) friends around the world! Plus, who's definitely going to Australia to check out Adelaide, and see if I like it enough, and if it tempts me even more then, to go live there? Meeee! :-) So, please send me good thoughts for this job!

Also, CONGRATS to a dear friend Irene and her man, who had a baby boy on the 15th. His name is Oskar and he is their second child. The first one is 3 and is called Herman. Can't wait to see pictures. Another great friend, Judit, is expecting her/their first any day now. 

Well, my head is doing me in, so I think I will have a sizzling date with a hot water bottle.

Love and light - Monsoon -

It's about sex again

Holy crap. Every day, in a gazillion adds on the web, and everywhere I look, there are adds for increasing your sex drive. If people weren't feeling stressed about having to feel horny all the time, and being ready to go all the time, these adds surely don't help. I mean, you see it all over, and so you feel that if you don't feel up to it at least 5 times a week, there must be something wrong with you. Or maybe you just don't get turned on by your partner any more? Because apparently it is normal to be horny 100 % of the time. What, do they want men to walk around with enormous erections at all times? That sounds a bit impractical if you ask me. Can you imagine all the male teachers going around like that? (although for me, that would probably be cool, as I am well-known for my weakness for teachers... ;-)) Or priests, or your dentist? *lol* Do they want women to be constantly erected, slightly less visible than the men I might add, as well? Like that is a good thing!? It doesn't fucking help to pop pills like there's no tomorrow, if you want your sex drive to be hardy. It's all in one's head, most of the times. I know that some people have rare conditions that might impact the sex drive, and also that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine can reduce the sex drive, but I am not talking about people affected by this, as that is a whole other discussion. Mind you, I think that just because it says on the side-effects that change in the sex drive might occur, "everyone" who takes those pills, experiences it. I shall not hide the fact that after the almost-rape and verbal abuse 10 years ago, I took anti-depressant for 10 months. However, I did not experience a decrease in my sexual lust. The one time I had "problems" with reaching an orgasm during sex, throughout these 10 months, it was more due to the fact that some memories of the abuse became a little too familiar. Luckily, I got over that fairly quickly! 

Anyway, back to the urge to make us feel weird if we aren't over-horny wankers the lot of us. I think it sends a very wrong picture. Can't people just be as horny as they are in their own, and want to be? Must we all be super humans? I feel they want us women to be the best nurturing mums, the compassionate friend and daughter, taking care of everyone, being a true lady, but then as night falls, suddenly we must transform ourselves into these sexual beasts that want only one thing, and wanting it several times. Lady in the street, tramp in the sack... For many women this transition is a really hard one to make. The nurturing mum, feeding your child breast milk, and then 10 minutes later your husband wants to suck on that same nipple, and suddenly it's supposed to feel sexy?! It can't be easy, not at all. Now, I don't have children, and as I am 36 and have eyes only for one, hot-damn guy who's 55, I am foreseeing with my psychic abilities that the probability for me having a child is quite on the low end of the scale. So, I don't know how I would react to that transformation from soft mum to vixen within ten minutes, but something tells me I could do it. I am a bit on the odd side of things when it comes to the sexual matters, as I have addressed before in this very blog. Of course many women can do it as well, but I am just feeling for all those women, and men, who feel pressured to measure up and can't quite make it to where they feel they must be... It must be so annoying to see such adds all the bleedin' time! 

I, on the other hand, sometimes think to myself when I read stuff like: " have no sex drive? Try these pills, they will increase your drive with 25%", that could you possibly find pills that do the opposite? Because I am one horny woman of 36 who haven't had sex in over 5 years, and I am telling you; I'd love to go one day without being insanely wanton, and "having" to ride the one armed bandit a LOT! Seeing Bob didn't exactly help this particular matter. Could I want him more!?! On any level!? NOOOOO!!! The way he moves, oh dear God, just kill me now. He is insanely sensual and his hands move in the most enticing ways. I think I'd pass out if he just brushed his hand against my thigh, even for one second... Haha! 

I say let people decide for themselves what is normal for them. Some couples are at it a lot, others aren't. What is normal to one person, is normal, even if the next person isn't the same. The trick is to find one who is horny approximately as much as you are. From past experiences I know that that is really important, to me at least. I wish these were things one could ask on the first date, without being looked at as a mental person just waiting for the men in white frocks:

- when are you the most horny, like during the day?
- are you willing to play, learn and explore your sex life?
- do you find that you trust you penis to do all the work, and that's it?
- are you aware of the fact that you have fingers and a tongue?
- will you accept the fact that your woman masturbates, in addition to having sex with you?
- do you frown upon erotic/porn films?

I am sure I could add more questions, but that's all for now. I have written a lot of thoughts and yet probably not concluded with anything, but that's just it; there aren't any real solutions. I just wish the media and advertising industry would let us be, and let us have the sex drive we have, unless it bothers us, then we'll get help. This way we just feel pressured to be constantly horny and ready, and that isn't right...


Love and light - Monsoon -

It's all medical

Argh! I hate cancer, but then, who doesn't! One of my oldest, nearest and dearest friends Eva just learned that her dad has lung cancer. This is a man I've known all my life, and I grew up with him and his family as my nearest neighbours. I still live on the same housing estate... They only learned it on Friday, and Saturday was the day we were going to Tonstad to celebrate Eva's son Ernst's 1st birthday. Ernst is my godchild and he is so cute! The party wasn't cancelled, despite the circumstances. So, we drove the 1, 5 hour up there, into the mountains and valleys, surrounded by beautiful autumn colours. Spectacular scenery with fjords, rivers, huge mountains and trees. (could never live there myself though, as I need the open and flat nature we have here) We had a very nice day, they're such a great bunch of people and I care so much for them. I just pray he will get well and conquer this. They don't know the progress of it yet, and so let us hope it was caught early.

these are some photos I took when I went up to Tonstad August 2009. It gives you an idea of the scenery. This first one shows what a lot of the road up there looks like.








One fisherman and a mountainside



My mum wasn't operated on Thursday after all. As it turned out, she just felt that it was totally wrong to do the back surgery before the hip surgery. She laid awake all night, just feeling it in her whole body. She could hardly breathe and had a really physical reaction. So when she came to the hospital the next day she told the surgeons, and for once they listened. They ordered x-rays, and when they saw them they nearly fainted, as there wasn't any bone left around the left hip. It was literally just hanging there. No wonder her left foot has shrunk in length, and no wonder she can't even make it to the mailbox... So, coming Tuesday a very big and difficult hip surgery might take place, and if not, in a couple of weeks. I am so glad she felt that there was something wrong. Thank God for intuition and stuff.

I am still feeling all kinds of things towards the Bob business. And because of all that I sleep really badly at the moment. Wow. Could he be more magic in his ways? I won't bore you with more details though. Except maybe a poem...

In there

In the weeping grass
that's where I will be
In the eyes of a child
that's where you will find me
Forever swept into your heart
In your laughter, in your gaze
In the songs you listen to
that's where I will be
In the hidden secrets
that's where you will find me
Perpetually entwined between the words they speak
The things they convey in sad lines of ink
In the shouting silence of
words not written, words not spoken, words not thought
That's where I will be

Rather uninspired, or empty mind, so I will sign off...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Sweet'n lo

It's been a bit rough after that whole "D-day". You know, when I saw him and all that. I just love him, and need him, it's just that simple really. Or, difficult as it happens... I am not depressed or anything like that. I'm just sad. Thoroughly so. It feels like he is engraved into my corneas, as I "see" him all the bloody time. Gosh! We both LOVE The Who, and sometimes when I listen to them, and get totally into the music, I feel like he is there, breathing in my neck, enjoying the music with me. He feels near, I guess. And so, sometimes I can't bear to listen to them, because it just reminds me again and again. It's all like a cut that keeps being ripped open and left bare and sore. So, of course that is why I must try even more to get it all on a distance, and I have plans to execute in order to give it another try. Not just quite yet though, for reasons I won't get into. God knows, I've talked a lot about him in this blog. Enough for now.

I'm still loosing weight, of course. I mean, it was the whole object of going through with the surgery and that so... I am happy with the result so far. I've lost 64 kilos. (lbs 140,8) It's a whole person! I am also feeling really good about myself lately, and better by the day. Never mind the negatives surrounding it, I just don't notice them anymore. Nothing can get me that down. It's just the freedom of being able to move so freely. I can sit in ways I haven't been able to in years and years. I can walk, stand, sleep in many varieties. Before the surgery I made a list over things I couldn't do, for either physical or emotional reasons. I won't write them here; the list is long, and also because some of them are too personal and even of a sexual matter... ;-) So let's just say I can do many many of them now, and it is liberty. It's like I've been confined to one room, and now am able to roam freely wherever and however I want and need. There are still a few things I can't do, physically, but I'll get there soon enough. "Stand back and watch me shine" Rachel Fuller cleverly sings, and that is actually how I feel now. Just watch me come to life again, watch me reclaim my body and soul, the true me, watch me truly live life, embracing it, and just loving and appreciating everything it holds. It's good to be so positive, when just a year ago it was so much darker to be me in this judgmental and prejudiced world.

My mum is having back surgery this Thursday, and I am scared for her. Please pray for her! She will also have to undergo another hip replacement surgery, because her left hip (which is artificial) is worn out. She was born with something called hip joint dysplasia, and has lived her whole life in constant pain. Now, she has trouble even going out to get the mail and do normal chores. I don't know how she does it, and still keeps herself sane. She is my hero.

Well, it's way past midnight, so off to bed, or something... ;-)

Love and light - Monsoon -

Oh, hello!

First phase of "the coming over him project" happened this week. I saw him and talked to him, even though he didn't recognise me at first. I have lost a lot of weight since he last saw me, and I now have longer hair too. I won't write what happened, only this: it was just amazing, perfect and fantastic to see him. I had almost "forgotten" just how insanely gorgeous he is. *oh dear God*

In the last years I've written many poems/songs, and a few weeks ago I started putting them up on this online place . Your poems can be criticized and commented on by other people, and also a poet/writer/poem critique, comments on chosen poems every day too. Every month they present "poet of the month" and stuff. I've gotten great reviews for a few of mine, and it is oh so exciting. I've written one very short concise one which is about the sexual act. One man called it a pleasure to read and that romance permeates the poem in a way rarely seen... I thought that was really cool. Because the poem is without romantic clichés and bombastic words, and yet he was able to get the romance out of it nevertheless. I will continue putting some poems up every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have written like 10 only in the last week. They've been in Norwegian all of them so...

I am job hunting at the moment, and I've found that doing so isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or let's review that, maybe it is, because rumour has it, it actually sucks! Yup! It does. Only one interview after a gazillion applications. You'd think I didn't have a 3 year bachelor degree. I guess they weren't meant for me. It is the way I HAVE to think, otherwise I'd go bonkers. And the one I got interviewed for was totally different in real life than the job description said. Annoying. So that one I had to let pass, for personal reasons that I won't elaborate on here. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't worked after finishing Uni last year, and that I don't have any new references. So now I've asked a person to be my reference, and he said yes. So at least he is new. I might also try to get hold of an old teacher from the social work study. I know she would have things to say, and hopefully good things too. Anyway, I just have to keep positive and believe that the right job will surface and it will be great! :-) I am in such a great fucking mood lately that this isn't going to kill my mojo!

I am leaving you with various photos from around Norway that I find stunning. I live in a beautiful country.

Love and light - Monsoon :-)


 




 

Baaaah...

I've never had this few readers for as long as this blog has existed. I mean, in two days, ONE reader. Now that's just sad. Should I perhaps take the hint? Yes, I guess so. Maybe I will terminate this whole thing. As I've said before; this has turned into something I didn't really want it to. But then, it's like you can't help what you write about. I am no great writer, and so it is a challenge to keep it interesting. Sorry really... I will ponder upon this for a few months and then make a decision as to if I want to delete the whole thing. But first I must save it somehow. You can make "books" of it, with comments and all, and I'd like that, as a memory. You know for my late 80s, sitting in an old folks home reminiscing. :-)

I've been to the chiropractor today, for the first time in my life. Or, I was there last week too, but then he just pushed and felt around to find out if I was totally unfixable. He then ordered x-rays of my whole body, before he could do anything, just to be sure. My mum has been going to him for 16 years, so he came highly recommended. If it weren't for him my mum couldn't have stood erect a lot of the time. When I was there last week he said something so nice, or rather, he didn't mean to be nice, but it was great to hear, as I saw he was serious. After talking for around 5 minutes he said; well, first we have to fix something, it says here that you are born in 1974, but that must obviously be wrong. You must be much younger than that... I said, nope I am 74 model, so it's correct. He stared at me and said; are you kidding me, wow, you look fantastic. (he is 42 himself) Aawhh... Made my day. Especially since I've felt SO flippin' old looking after the weight loss and all. You know, loose skin and the works! Today he totally broke my bones in all directions. Such a weird feeling. My neck especially made so many LOUD noises that even he started to laugh. They fecking made an echo in there! Haha!

Well, it's not like I have anything really interesting to write about, is it... Inspired much, or not!? *lol* So I will just stop here.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Muuuusic

Wow, this has been the worst day in years. I see no reason to try to explain it all, just trust me on it; it's been terrible. Just for the record; no one is sick, injured or anything like that, it's just stuff... and somehow I just needed to say that certain things are sucking really badly right now, and then just leave it at that.

At least I'm loosing weight again. Stood still there for a whole month, which now feels like a waste. It was my own damn fault, so no one to blame this on but myself. That is why I have stepped up and looked to the future again. To the future in which I am slender-ish. Not the one where I still stuff my face, or like this last month; eat way too little and things low in real nutritional value. So, as of today I've lost a little over 130 lbs. Yay. Which is 59 kilos. Also, my BMI has gone from a WHOPPING 60! to a 38,7. That is a good thing my friends!

I have listened to "The Who" a lot today. Could I LOVE them more!? They fucking rock for real! And so, of course I've had several musical orgasms. :-) I call them musical orgasms, because they make me feel so good, so high, so hot, so alive, so excited, and at times even almost aroused. Is that odd? If it is, I don't care so much. Music gives me so much, as well you know. After listening, my arms were actually hurting because I had been "playing the drums" and digging the music so much. Sometimes I want to be in the 70s, and be a teen. An hormonal raging mad teen, being wild and out of control, listening to rock, hating the world, being opposed to everything and everyone. I'd listen to The Doors, Who, Deep Purple, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, etc etc, and, although I know it's wrong, I'd smoke weed and see where the music carries me in the high. I've never tried any sort of narcotics, and somehow I actually am curious about it. But, I guess it's kinda normal. The forbidden and illegal is a bit alluring isn't it. But, it will continue to be something I just wonder about...

9 years since September 11th and the tragedy on Manhattan... I'll never forget that day. Unreal. My thoughts go out to all those involved in one way or another... 

Back to the music...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Such a revolution

Apparently I am an incredibly emotional person. I guess all my life has been spent eating myself out of those said feelings, not daring to grasp what they were telling me. Eating them away was my way of subduing myself. Self-medicating on sweets, ice-cream and crisps. Lovely. When I look back I can hardly remember the time when I didn't do this. I know that I didn't do it, properly, until I was around like 19, but a lighter version started already at 16. That is 20 years of trying to be something I am not. Trying to be tough, happy on the outside, taking care of everyone else's needs and letting myself go, because why should I matter? When I met Bob, a lot of those negative thoughts and low self-worth vanished into thin air. At least the process was revolutionary started then... It was like I finally saw myself for who I really am, who I was meant to be. I understood that I was worth being loved, even by me. One time Bob and I were talking in his office. He was trying to pay me a compliment, and I was being my usual negative me. He was bragging about me too. Yet, I just couldn't receive it, and just left. But then, after about 2 hours I thought to myself, heck, why shouldn't I take that compliment. I went back to his office and told him so. He looked at me with the strongest gaze I have ever felt, (I am telling you, my heart was palpitating like mad) and almost strictly, and yet loving and tenderly and said with strength, while slamming his hand so hard on his desk; "Yes, "Monsoon", accept the compliment, God knows you're worth it!!" I nearly died. I stared at him, couldn't speak, the moment was frozen, and my tears just started running down my cheeks, and I had to get out of there. I have never seen a person mean something SO badly before, nor have I ever felt more loved than in that very moment. And more importantly; for the first time I let myself be truly loved and feel worthy of it. That incident sticks with me, as well you can imagine.

Anyway, as I was saying, eating my through life I was. However, as I can't, and won't, do that now, I tend to cry a lot. I think it was about time I paid attention to it all, because gosh, could I BE more intuitive!? I feel so much, and strongly, about so many things, places, relationships, etc, it's just thoughts and gut feelings as long as the eye can "see". So, I have decided to try to understand where it's coming from and what to do with it all. It's going to be a long, gnarly and never-ending journey, but I think it is worth it. It's part of who I am. And as another part of trying to love and appreciate myself, and to be true to who I am, this is just another element of it.

I want to share this poem/song/whatever/scribbly-doodle with you

I don't want to, any more


How long is this going to be?
This state of mind, this pain and grief
How did it start, yes; how? how?
On a winter morning, when I first saw you
A revolution, I will never forget

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How ardently I adore you
Your passion, all that is you, always,
When you are around, I see you
No escaping the intensity in those brown eyes
Such a revolution, every time

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How your presence strengthens me
and yet also shatters me
Your words make me wiser, I want to learn
How you give me nothing and yet everything
There is no reality, there is no you and me

How one look can suffice, and create certainty
Through you, I see life
No words needed, I understand anyway
How can I go on searching for it?
When you have showed me perfection

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you
But I don't want to love you any more


That's all I had to say today. Hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Semi-Demi

Weird mind in the last days. I shall not elaborate, because I think most people won't' be able to understand my peculiarity... Plus, how difficult is it not to try to explain intuition, gut feelings, and alike, in writing. Very hard indeed. Suffice to say; I feel something is going to occur or change...

So, I've been what you can call totally inept as to feeling good about myself, in most ways. I have felt really not attractive and stuff. Even as I have lost weight, I have found bad things to say about myself. I've just been blinded by the negatives, such as increased levels of lines and wrinkles, loose skin etc etc, instead of focusing on the positives. I have vouched to try to stop it. Why should I be my own biggest enemy? It is super duper silly. My first step is huge really. It is to love my own face straight out of the shower; red eyes and all. (My eyes are always red and sore after a shower, as is my skin...) So, as the blog title says; I am doing a Semi-Demi and posting a picture of my face right after a shower. Absolutely NO make-up. Yes, I am quite blond around the eyes, aren't I?! I call it a semi-Demi because Demi Moore posted pictures of herself, taken by her, in her bathroom, with little clothing on her... And as I was only wearing underwear too, but only showing my face; hence the semi part. :-)


It's period time. But I am not going to complain. I love that I get it, every month, almost on the day. Love it, because due to my obesity I was without for nearly 10 years. I could only produce one with the help of hormonal pills. So, yes, I welcome it, as then I know things are working as they should. What a blessing that is! However, when this is nearing I always feel incredibly emotional. It says a lot when I cried watching Jessica Simpson's "The Price of Beauty". OK, it was touching when she helped a Vietnamese lady, but still... You just get so much more sensitive, don't you? Heck, even the sex drive changes during it all. It is boosted! Mine is at least. Also, me, and many other women I've talked to, get super sensitive vaginas, especially during the period itself. So, your sex drive is through the roof, your vagina is ready to make you come like in a second, and yet, most women don't feel up to it, because of the obvious obstacle of what having your period means... It's almost criminally unfair! One of life's ironies. But, have you also noticed that you feel more powerful as a woman just before, and during, your period. I feel like I could conquer the world or something.

One of my facebook friends had written something I found insanely funny today. She is apparently holidaying in Turkey and sun bathing is obviously a big part of it. This is what she wrote: "You know you're badly sunburned when a little girl at the beach shouts to her mum; "Muuum, that red girl scares me!"

I'll go now. A short post is better than no post, right!?

Much love xxx

Just a little note from the scared little me

Sometimes I am scared of falling in love and starting a new relationship. I seem to think about such things when I feel vulnerable, and I feel vulnerable today. I am scared of it because it is new, fresh, insecure, unsafe and agonising. Also the fright of allowing yourself to love and be loved, wholly. Will I ever dare to go there again? Will I be able to risk falling again, in such a way as I did with Bob? Risk, because it could all fall to pieces. It is so fragile, like a house of cards. The peril of falling for someone not available. It is a risk to allow myself to go there, because I might end up falling for someone who is taken, yet again; who has promised to stay elsewhere until death do them apart. And you have no idea how much that worries me. Actually, just writing about it makes me weep. I can hardly breathe, because I can't bare loving like that again, and not ending up with the chosen one. The one whom you can't describe what it feels like to love, because no words suffice. You just feel it in your whole body that this is it. This is where I want to be, this is who I want to be with, this is H O M E. This is a safe haven, this is my best friend, my lover and the one I can share everything with and not be judged. This is someone who really sees me, and brings out the best in me, and of course vice versa! This is the one who makes me like the person I become, when I am with him/her. I felt all of these things with Bob, and a lot more too, and I still do really. I have plans to try once more to get some sort of closure... I deserve it. It won't happen just yet, and I will tell you more about it as it nears. Anyway; yes, I am one scared little shit. At the same time I am really thankful for meeting him. At least I have wholly loved once in my life, if it never happens again. I know now what to look for, what I need in a person to be more content with someone else than I am alone, and I also know what love should feel like inside. 

History is all it takes

So, Roger Waters performing "The Wall" in Oslo on May 1st. I was sat in fornt of the computer half an hour before the tickets were released, and I got through quite fast. I found GREAT seats, filled in all the credit card information, and pressed next. All great. Then I had to verify my card, and then; TECHNICAL BLEEDIN ERROR! Probably due to huge pressure on the servers. I nearly cried, honest to God! So, although I was one of the first, and had as I saw it, the best seats we could get, I was thrown out of the queue and had to re-enter and this took me over two hours. Luckily my dear friend Vegar phoned me and told me they had put up another show, the day after the original, due to the insane amount of interested people. So we both started to search for available tickets there. In the end I was able to score three tickets, and in seats that aren't too bad. In this picture they are in section 6, and in the third row, which means it isn't that far back!



It is a seated concert, which I think is great really. I can't believe I got them. I had so much trouble with it, and spent nearly 3 hours fighting! YAY! That's something really fecking fantabulous to look forward to!

Well, you all know that I am deadly passionate about history. Actually I'd say I am almost a tad obsessed by how things used to be. Sometimes I find myself wanting to have lived in earlier times, and not to mention; to be able to travel in time. Ultimate dream! Perhaps there are topics that stand out; WW II, Pompeii/Herculaneum and the Vesuvius' eruption in AD 79, The Roman Empire, agricultural history and The Middle ages. In all of history it's the lives of ordinary people that fascinates me the most. What did it look like, how did it smell, the flavours of the time, how much more flowers and vegetation were there, what songs did they sing, what did it feel like to live in a world with no electric lights outside or inside, how did people treat each other in a village, what did the food taste like etc. It's not always the great battles that tell us the most; it's all in the details, I think.

I was just thinking about the Black Death today. Can you imagine such horrors!? Take the French city of Avignon for example, in one year 50% of the population died. In total around 2/3 of the population perished. Within the city walls 8000 houses stood empty. Now, this would have been a huge number even today, when there are a lot more people, so imagine the impact it must have had back then!! It killed around 25 million people in Europe; 25-50 % of the total population. And as usual when tragedy strikes; humans need a scapegoat, and as always the Jews were blamed. And, did you hear about the flagellants? Well, they questioned the authorities of the Church, and to show their disbelief they walked around from city to city, wearing long robes with red crosses on them. They chanted Christian litanies and beat themselves, and others, with whips made of leather and spikes. Blood floated. They were also significant participants in blaming the Jews for the plague. To them, and other Christians, the Jews had to be the most terrible thing. After all, they didn't even believe that the true Messiah was THE Messiah. So, then of course, they had to be blamed, because of their unholy conducts and beliefs. In less than a year ALL the Jews of over 100 European cities were burned alive on huge bonfires. So, Hitler was certainly not the first one to find a "final solution" on this, to them, problem... *chills* It is terrible. And what was the aftermath of it all? People began to question the economic and social order that had prevailed in Europe for hundreds of years; the Black Death was one of the most important reasons for the downfall of feudalism in Europe, and that says a lot. The prestige of the Catholic church was weakened. Even priests/the gentry couldn't protect people from it all, and those who survived became disheartened. Some others turned to devil worship. This in turn led to the beginning of the Renaissance and the modern age. So, yes, the very social, economic, demographic and political structure of Europe was forever altered. One tiny flea, overthrew feudalism and changed the course of history in Europe. 

Well, that was today's little "history lesson". Hehehe...

Monsoon :-) 

The 7th entry

I am, by this post, breaking an almost 3 year old blogging habit. Which one you ask? Well, the one where I don't blog any more than 6 entries in one month. The last time I blogged more than that in a month, was in October 2007! Yikes. I have apparently had mostly around 2-3 entries in these last three years. That's bad that is! I am glad I am at least trying to get into it all again, even though my blog still feels a long way from what I had hoped and planned it would be. You can't control it though, can you really. I mean, you have to write about what's in your heart and mind, and so clearly what's in there in me, are mostly boring and non-fun stuff... Let us hope it will change, and in the meantime; I apologize for all the painstakingly dullness that is yet to come. 

I was at my dear friend Rønnaug's place this Thursday, and we had such a fecking great evening together. We talked about men, and "the old times", but most importantly, we talked about music. We have always had quite similar taste, and we have also always been able to influence and teach each other with newly discovered music. I guess you can say I "gave" her U2, and she "gave" me The Who. We listened to The Who, Kent and Mike Oldfield. We really dug the music with arms and all. I love that. It felt so good and cathartic. We have experienced four fab concerts together; two U2, one Alanis Morissette and one The Who. Good stuff. Also; Roger Waters is coming to Oslo in April next year, performing the legendary "The Wall". Tickets go on sale Monday, and guess who's going? Rønnaug and I, and also another friend of mine who lives in Oslo; Mette. Rønnaug and I will stay at a hotel or something, and make a weekend of it. Blast, I do hope I will be able to score tickets!! They usually sell out in minutes. Fingers crossed. It will be a once in a lifetime opportunity for sure. I mean, just how many years has it been since The Wall was played live!? I think 20 years.

Had my car in for what is called "EU-service", which basically means that some EU standard has to be filled, to be able to drive your car around this place. I guess it's good for safety, but still... annoying. Of course mine didn't get the go-ahead, so have to get it fixed asap. Isn't it funny the way Norway is imposed to follow all the laws and regulations of EU, and we aren't even a full member. OK, so we're a part of it, somehow, due to the EEA, but still... We're not a member, and yet we have all the negative sides of it, and "no" benefits. My point is this; we might as bloody well be a full member, the way things are going... In our last referendum, which was in 1994, I had no doubts and voted no to be a member. These days I am not so sure... Hard one to really foresee the consequences of a full membership, isn't it. I like the idea of being one country, alone, and not some united European nation... I wonder when the next referendum will come.

The partial sea view from my balcony and kitchen window. Just imagine how much sea I would see if all those spruces, on the horizon, weren't blocking my view... You can kind of glimpse the sea behind them.  I want them down!

I will leave you go today with a great quote from Mark Twain: 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

Lovey dovey - Monsoon

One bad one good

Do you know what scares the shite out of me? Industry. Factories. Automatic machinery. The sounds, the machinery, the millions of blinking lights, alarms going off, large and heavy machines moving seemingly uncontrolled... Yikes! SO scary! I could never ever spend time in such a place, let alone work there. I really can't understand that anyone dares to work at such a place. Think of all the accidents waiting to happen. If one guy forgets one tiny thing, or a screw is a little loose, people can plummet do their deaths. I even feel scared watching such industry and factories on TV. Now, that's bad! Haha. I have a similar fright for HUGE bulldozers, cranes, planes, ships, and like the anchors of huge ships, how scary are they? And the humongous pumps/machinery on such huge ships... It must be a living nightmare. Like, if you have seen the film "Titanic" (I guess most of you have...) you might remember that Rose and Jack run through the engine room? When I see that, it is more scary than the whole bloody sinking... To me a perfect horror film would be filled with insanely large electric, oily, pumps, cranes and machines. Dear God! So I guess I really am scared of abnormally large things? Hmmm... Weird really, isn't!? So, here follows a few examples:

 

Now, over to men... Since 1996, around the time I watched the first episode in which Sgt. Brady entered the character list on "A touch of Frost", I have been super weak for the man who plays him; James McKenna. I think he is insanely hot. The other day I sat watching an episode, as I have many of the series on DVD, when suddenly it occurred to me why I find him so darn attractive... He looks A LOT like Bob. You know... the man never forgotten and all that. Especially "live", probably because they have the same body language and facial expressions. I can't understand I haven't made that connection before. Like from when I first started liking Bob in January 2005... Anyway, now it's almost painful to see him in the series. Bugger! Why can't I meet someone who looks quite like that, who is fucking single for a change!?!? *dreaming* My type is seemingly like this; much older than me, and also looks a little older than they are, grey hair, brown eyes, and they seem to have some odd crooked mouth thing going and, and then top that with a great infectious smile, and I am sold. Most women don't fancy these men. My friends usually shudder when I show them pictures of the guys I fancy... Haha! They aren't "pretty" or universally handsome, but to me they are hot. Diversity is a good thing in taste, huh? 

Fright and hot guys, now that's all for today folks! I am off to watch another "Frost" episode, and will surely be drooling all through it... ;-)

Monsoon 

God?

There is no God, a woman said to me at the local kiosk the other day. One can only glance at the world's situation to understand where she's coming from. It can certainly bestow doubt to anyone... However, this comment was made due to something horrible my little municipality and also my village have experienced. Approximately two weeks ago three young men, aged 24, 24 and 31, went to Greenland to fish. Two of them were from my village, and one from a nearby village called Nærbø. They were supposed to come back last Friday, to be picked up by a local man. When they failed to show up, and also weren't on the plane out of there, the man reported them missing, and a huge search was effected. This Monday they found three backpacks. On Tuesday one body was also found, and a provisional "floating device" comprising of sticks, ropes and two air mattresses were found as well. On Wednesday we learned that the body found was one of the Norwegians. His name is Tormod Aniksdal, he was 24 and he was my second cousin. His dad, and my dad, grew up in two houses/farms only around 50 metres from each other. They played a lot together as children and youths. Especially when I was younger I knew Tormod's family very well. One of my best friends, Karin, was Tormod's first cousin, and she grew up so close to him and his 4 siblings; she would almost call them her own siblings. 13 men from around here went on a chartered plane, paid by a local business, to search for the two remaining men. They came home today, and wasn't able to bring him their dear ones. They found their camera too, and the last pictures were taken only two days after the men's arrival... tears have been shed by me, and I am sure by most inhabitants of this little village. I feel so immensely sorry for the families of these men, and I can't even being to comprehend how horrendous it must feel. The uncertainty of what happened. One can just speculate... At least Tormod was found, which is, under these circumstances, better than to not be found at all. Two of the men's girlfriend have a baby coming, and one or two small children at home... Rest in peace all three of you, and you, your families and everyone else who loved you, remain in my prayers and thoughts.

Comparison of my two faces

No text today, just these photos of me; I need to "brag" a little... Proud as I am ;-) This is me at, almost, my biggest, and then today. It's eerie when you put them together like that and really see the difference... Yikes! It's almost unreal to me that I have been SO much bigger. I feel it was another person really. Good riddance I say! 

Click on photos for a bigger version... 

Bargain

One thing really annoys me with this country; the lack of good organic food. Come on! The district in which I live in is the most important agricultural area in Norway, and yet the range of local produce and especially organic food is frighteningly bad. And what you find is so expensive only really rich people can afford to buy it on a regular basis. It's the same with food low in fat too. BBQ sausages with ordinary levels of fat cost around 35 NOK, for 20 sausages, while 10 low fat BBQ sausages cost 58 NOK. Why? "Oh, we remove some fat, and therefore we must triple the price?!" It's like this; the government are worried about the increase in overweight and obese people in this country, especially in children and teens, and yet; healthy things like vegetables, fruit, organic and also low fat products are more than double the price. In the case of the sausages it is tripled. How can low income families afford this, which under the circumstances only can be described as extravaganza? They can't. A store bought readymade pizza, or other readymade dishes are cheap choices, and so of course this is the type of food they buy. They have the choice; buy healthy and then be short on food and other necessities. Or, buy rather unhealthy and have enough for food and more. What would you do? I'd go for the readymade, even though it would kill me to know that my kids had to eat crap. It is a shame that this is the situation in this country. And I get so irate thinking about it. There's many times I can't afford the more expensive stuff either, as I have little money. And every time I am so mad about it that I just have to try not to think about it, otherwise I'd go mental. In addition; the overall choice of variety in grocery shops and stuff is really bad too. To put it into extremes; what's the point of being one of the wealthiest countries in the world when the selection in supermarkets sucks anyway!?

Today I've sat in front of my computer and I've listened to music and sung. I mean, really sung, out loud with all the voice I have. I love it. I've sung songs from the musical "Which Witch", The Who, Codes, The Doors and many more. Who could live without music, I know I couldn't. Music is like a necessity of life. It suits every emotion I feel and every mood that I am in. It's like Pete - Rock God - Townshend said; "Rock won't eliminate your problems, but it will sort of let you dance all over them". So, I say; let's dance! ... and so I did. ;-)

In the weight department I haven't lost a lot in the last two weeks. The reasons for that are several. One of them being that I haven't been as strict with myself as I should be. Apparently my dictatorship is needed, so onwards and upwards, or is that downwards to me, since I want to lose weight!?

I don't have more to say today, so I'll end with a funny excerpt of a short conversation from The Nanny where Mary Ruth have been bugging Mr Anthony and prying into his personal life...

Mr Anthony: So I guess you're one of those women who wants to reach out to people?
Mary Ruth: Yes
Mr Anthony: Fight that!

Love Monsoon :-)