It's been almost a month since my last entry, and as many of you know; I got a job! Yay! I am starting tomorrow. I will be working as a social worker, well duh, within a municipality nearby. The title is welfare officer. I don't know exactly what my job will be though, but I will know for sure tomorrow. I don't know what the pay is yet either, as I have to hand in my testimonials from previous jobs I've had, for them assess the exact pay I shall receive. I know what the minimum wage is, but I know I will get more than that, as I have worked before and that counts too. Service increment I guess it's called. I really can't wait to earn money and have something to go to every day, after all those years of school. If I had loads of money, I'd gladly do the Master's Degree in social work, as there is a lack in people doing that around here, but it's just too costly. And I don't think the pay afterwards works as an incentive either. It doesn't balance the amount of years in school well at all. Well, that is the case for many occupations here. Especially the more typically female dominated professions...
Now that the day is almost here I am scared. Scared I won't be good enough. Scared I won't be able to carry out the job to a satisfactory level. In my sensible place, I know it's thick to think that, but in my more fragile self, I can't help it... I know that I have a really strong professional strength behind me, as I got great grades and all that. But it's the actual execution of the work, dealing with loads of different clients every day that I am anxious about. Also, this is one of the last things on my list of reclaiming my life. (I have three more things, but more on them a different time) I have grown, learnt, changed, and evolved a lot in the last 10 years. I've gone through a lot; from being every sexually and emotionally harassed/abused at work; being almost raped and others things, which lead to depression, times of self-loathe, feeling of inadequacy, feeling of guilt, over-eating, self-medicating on sweets to soften the dark thoughts of my soul and mind, and even times of anxiety. As I think about all those things, my tears are actually running silently down my cheeks right now. Not over sadness, but over bewildered joy and pride, that I've reclaimed the self-love, self-pride, self-esteem, contentment, positivism, strength and balance from my younger years. You know, before I started to destroy myself... (In addition I've completed my education and lost lots of weight). I didn't destroy myself consciously, to begin with, but I think in the end it came to that. I felt so much hatred against who I was, who I'd become, what my body was like, and all that, that I felt I might as well just make it even worse. I guess, deep inside, I didn't think I was worthy of anything better. Then one day I met Bob, and he managed, without knowing it obviously, to totally turn that around. In just one week my thoughts started to change and I felt again that I was actually worth a better life. And that is what I have done now. I won! I actually did. I won over myself, with great help from him. I know people say that it isn't his doing, but frankly they have no fucking clue. They have no idea what was going in inside of me. They don't even know that I quite often longed for death to free me from the horror and misery of what I used to call life. They don't know that I didn't live, that I merely existed until I met him. All the things he did for me, by being who he was, can never be put into words. No words will ever suffice to describe it. Also the fact that he saw me; he totally and utterly saw me for exactly how I want to be seen. He saw beyond the obesity and the sadness in my eyes. He saw the strong intelligent woman, and somehow he was able to lure her out again. How can I not be forever grateful for that? In my view he saved my life. I seriously don't think I'd be here if I hadn't met him. He is my angel, perhaps sent to me, who knows? And to top it off, it was "that thing" between us as well, which made it all even stronger. So, yes, no matter what others might think; to me the date January 12th 2005 will always stand out as the "Monsoon" before, and after, date...
Now I'm going to unwind and relax with watching a wonderful BBC programme called "Escape to the country", a real-estate programme, and then I'm off to bed. And I will tell myself this; you will do well in this job, you just don't know, or realise it, yet...
Love & light - Monsoon
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Frosted
So, yesterday was exactly one year since my surgery, and I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't believe just how far I've come in that year. I am so pleased with the result, and I am also really proud of myself for having done so well. I am not saying I am perfect, of course I have my days with eating that isn't 100 % healthy, but in general I do eat really healthy. As of today I've lost 75, 5 kilos (166 lbs) in 13 months, as I started on a special pre-surgery diet on December 7th 2009... So yeah, I am happy with it.
The only thing missing now is a job, and perhaps someone to share my life with. Sometimes I think it will never happen for me, but then, if that's how my life is supposed to be like, being single I mean, then I will have to live with that. There are a lot of things to get over and to heal from before I am ready to try to dare to fall in love again. Which is one of the many reasons I think about moving to Australia. I feel I need a change. Something new to breathe in. A new life, a new phase, a new start, new warm climate, and not to mention, new impulses and people that might take my mind off things it shouldn't think about. I know that the love you feel inside won't magically stay at the airport when I leave, but I am hoping that all the new life I would have to get used to, and such, would help me. This place surely hasn't. How wonderful it would be to meet other single persons to befriend and spend time with. I love my friends, but almost all of them are in such different places in their lives, than me, and I would love to have some more single friends to hang with on a more daily basis, as that is what I miss. I am alone a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes me feel lonely. I like my own company, but it can get a bit much. All the time spent alone has made me appreciate the solitude, and sometimes I even prefer it, and that actually scares me. Because I am, from birth of, a very social person, and I want to stay that way, you know?! I fear I am not able to convey what I mean, as the two things I've written sound contradictory... I guess it is hard to explain, and perhaps I am ambiguous in my ways right now. I think that I am scared that the constant solitude will lead to a preferred hermit-like life.
Love is a fickle thing. So is life, so is our emotions. I was talking about the whole Bob thing with a friend the other day, and I said to her that I fear it will never pass, for real, but that I hope I can find someone else to love and share my life with. Then she asked; but are you up for settling for less? No was my answer, but what real choice do I have? It's been 6 years, in 6 days, and I kind of ask myself this question; when will it pass when it hasn't done so in six years? It's not like I haven't tried. I don't want to love him, for fuck's sake! Man, sometimes I really wish I had never met him, never fallen so fucking hard that every thought is his, never seen the truth in his eyes... I have asked to be relieved from this, but it just isn't happening. "Everyone" keeps telling me to move on, but when you've tried every damn thing to do so, and it still isn't working, what to do? I wish, oh so desperately, that a magic off-switch existed, but alas, no such thing has been invented. Seriously, I'd die to be rid of these insanely strong feelings. I have one more thing to try, and that involves him, and that is the hard part. I think he is scared stiff of being alone with me, for obvious reasons, but I have to ask. I will do so, but not quite yet.
I am chilly inside
So cold inside
Empty
Blinded
By memories
which I don't want
to embody my whole being
Why is it so hard
to lie under frosted layers
of air
And feel the chills that your absence produces
The only thing missing now is a job, and perhaps someone to share my life with. Sometimes I think it will never happen for me, but then, if that's how my life is supposed to be like, being single I mean, then I will have to live with that. There are a lot of things to get over and to heal from before I am ready to try to dare to fall in love again. Which is one of the many reasons I think about moving to Australia. I feel I need a change. Something new to breathe in. A new life, a new phase, a new start, new warm climate, and not to mention, new impulses and people that might take my mind off things it shouldn't think about. I know that the love you feel inside won't magically stay at the airport when I leave, but I am hoping that all the new life I would have to get used to, and such, would help me. This place surely hasn't. How wonderful it would be to meet other single persons to befriend and spend time with. I love my friends, but almost all of them are in such different places in their lives, than me, and I would love to have some more single friends to hang with on a more daily basis, as that is what I miss. I am alone a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes me feel lonely. I like my own company, but it can get a bit much. All the time spent alone has made me appreciate the solitude, and sometimes I even prefer it, and that actually scares me. Because I am, from birth of, a very social person, and I want to stay that way, you know?! I fear I am not able to convey what I mean, as the two things I've written sound contradictory... I guess it is hard to explain, and perhaps I am ambiguous in my ways right now. I think that I am scared that the constant solitude will lead to a preferred hermit-like life.
Love is a fickle thing. So is life, so is our emotions. I was talking about the whole Bob thing with a friend the other day, and I said to her that I fear it will never pass, for real, but that I hope I can find someone else to love and share my life with. Then she asked; but are you up for settling for less? No was my answer, but what real choice do I have? It's been 6 years, in 6 days, and I kind of ask myself this question; when will it pass when it hasn't done so in six years? It's not like I haven't tried. I don't want to love him, for fuck's sake! Man, sometimes I really wish I had never met him, never fallen so fucking hard that every thought is his, never seen the truth in his eyes... I have asked to be relieved from this, but it just isn't happening. "Everyone" keeps telling me to move on, but when you've tried every damn thing to do so, and it still isn't working, what to do? I wish, oh so desperately, that a magic off-switch existed, but alas, no such thing has been invented. Seriously, I'd die to be rid of these insanely strong feelings. I have one more thing to try, and that involves him, and that is the hard part. I think he is scared stiff of being alone with me, for obvious reasons, but I have to ask. I will do so, but not quite yet.
I am chilly inside
So cold inside
Empty
Blinded
By memories
which I don't want
to embody my whole being
Why is it so hard
to lie under frosted layers
of air
And feel the chills that your absence produces
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