Oh, hello!

First phase of "the coming over him project" happened this week. I saw him and talked to him, even though he didn't recognise me at first. I have lost a lot of weight since he last saw me, and I now have longer hair too. I won't write what happened, only this: it was just amazing, perfect and fantastic to see him. I had almost "forgotten" just how insanely gorgeous he is. *oh dear God*

In the last years I've written many poems/songs, and a few weeks ago I started putting them up on this online place . Your poems can be criticized and commented on by other people, and also a poet/writer/poem critique, comments on chosen poems every day too. Every month they present "poet of the month" and stuff. I've gotten great reviews for a few of mine, and it is oh so exciting. I've written one very short concise one which is about the sexual act. One man called it a pleasure to read and that romance permeates the poem in a way rarely seen... I thought that was really cool. Because the poem is without romantic clichés and bombastic words, and yet he was able to get the romance out of it nevertheless. I will continue putting some poems up every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have written like 10 only in the last week. They've been in Norwegian all of them so...

I am job hunting at the moment, and I've found that doing so isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or let's review that, maybe it is, because rumour has it, it actually sucks! Yup! It does. Only one interview after a gazillion applications. You'd think I didn't have a 3 year bachelor degree. I guess they weren't meant for me. It is the way I HAVE to think, otherwise I'd go bonkers. And the one I got interviewed for was totally different in real life than the job description said. Annoying. So that one I had to let pass, for personal reasons that I won't elaborate on here. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't worked after finishing Uni last year, and that I don't have any new references. So now I've asked a person to be my reference, and he said yes. So at least he is new. I might also try to get hold of an old teacher from the social work study. I know she would have things to say, and hopefully good things too. Anyway, I just have to keep positive and believe that the right job will surface and it will be great! :-) I am in such a great fucking mood lately that this isn't going to kill my mojo!

I am leaving you with various photos from around Norway that I find stunning. I live in a beautiful country.

Love and light - Monsoon :-)


 




 

Baaaah...

I've never had this few readers for as long as this blog has existed. I mean, in two days, ONE reader. Now that's just sad. Should I perhaps take the hint? Yes, I guess so. Maybe I will terminate this whole thing. As I've said before; this has turned into something I didn't really want it to. But then, it's like you can't help what you write about. I am no great writer, and so it is a challenge to keep it interesting. Sorry really... I will ponder upon this for a few months and then make a decision as to if I want to delete the whole thing. But first I must save it somehow. You can make "books" of it, with comments and all, and I'd like that, as a memory. You know for my late 80s, sitting in an old folks home reminiscing. :-)

I've been to the chiropractor today, for the first time in my life. Or, I was there last week too, but then he just pushed and felt around to find out if I was totally unfixable. He then ordered x-rays of my whole body, before he could do anything, just to be sure. My mum has been going to him for 16 years, so he came highly recommended. If it weren't for him my mum couldn't have stood erect a lot of the time. When I was there last week he said something so nice, or rather, he didn't mean to be nice, but it was great to hear, as I saw he was serious. After talking for around 5 minutes he said; well, first we have to fix something, it says here that you are born in 1974, but that must obviously be wrong. You must be much younger than that... I said, nope I am 74 model, so it's correct. He stared at me and said; are you kidding me, wow, you look fantastic. (he is 42 himself) Aawhh... Made my day. Especially since I've felt SO flippin' old looking after the weight loss and all. You know, loose skin and the works! Today he totally broke my bones in all directions. Such a weird feeling. My neck especially made so many LOUD noises that even he started to laugh. They fecking made an echo in there! Haha!

Well, it's not like I have anything really interesting to write about, is it... Inspired much, or not!? *lol* So I will just stop here.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Muuuusic

Wow, this has been the worst day in years. I see no reason to try to explain it all, just trust me on it; it's been terrible. Just for the record; no one is sick, injured or anything like that, it's just stuff... and somehow I just needed to say that certain things are sucking really badly right now, and then just leave it at that.

At least I'm loosing weight again. Stood still there for a whole month, which now feels like a waste. It was my own damn fault, so no one to blame this on but myself. That is why I have stepped up and looked to the future again. To the future in which I am slender-ish. Not the one where I still stuff my face, or like this last month; eat way too little and things low in real nutritional value. So, as of today I've lost a little over 130 lbs. Yay. Which is 59 kilos. Also, my BMI has gone from a WHOPPING 60! to a 38,7. That is a good thing my friends!

I have listened to "The Who" a lot today. Could I LOVE them more!? They fucking rock for real! And so, of course I've had several musical orgasms. :-) I call them musical orgasms, because they make me feel so good, so high, so hot, so alive, so excited, and at times even almost aroused. Is that odd? If it is, I don't care so much. Music gives me so much, as well you know. After listening, my arms were actually hurting because I had been "playing the drums" and digging the music so much. Sometimes I want to be in the 70s, and be a teen. An hormonal raging mad teen, being wild and out of control, listening to rock, hating the world, being opposed to everything and everyone. I'd listen to The Doors, Who, Deep Purple, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, etc etc, and, although I know it's wrong, I'd smoke weed and see where the music carries me in the high. I've never tried any sort of narcotics, and somehow I actually am curious about it. But, I guess it's kinda normal. The forbidden and illegal is a bit alluring isn't it. But, it will continue to be something I just wonder about...

9 years since September 11th and the tragedy on Manhattan... I'll never forget that day. Unreal. My thoughts go out to all those involved in one way or another... 

Back to the music...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Such a revolution

Apparently I am an incredibly emotional person. I guess all my life has been spent eating myself out of those said feelings, not daring to grasp what they were telling me. Eating them away was my way of subduing myself. Self-medicating on sweets, ice-cream and crisps. Lovely. When I look back I can hardly remember the time when I didn't do this. I know that I didn't do it, properly, until I was around like 19, but a lighter version started already at 16. That is 20 years of trying to be something I am not. Trying to be tough, happy on the outside, taking care of everyone else's needs and letting myself go, because why should I matter? When I met Bob, a lot of those negative thoughts and low self-worth vanished into thin air. At least the process was revolutionary started then... It was like I finally saw myself for who I really am, who I was meant to be. I understood that I was worth being loved, even by me. One time Bob and I were talking in his office. He was trying to pay me a compliment, and I was being my usual negative me. He was bragging about me too. Yet, I just couldn't receive it, and just left. But then, after about 2 hours I thought to myself, heck, why shouldn't I take that compliment. I went back to his office and told him so. He looked at me with the strongest gaze I have ever felt, (I am telling you, my heart was palpitating like mad) and almost strictly, and yet loving and tenderly and said with strength, while slamming his hand so hard on his desk; "Yes, "Monsoon", accept the compliment, God knows you're worth it!!" I nearly died. I stared at him, couldn't speak, the moment was frozen, and my tears just started running down my cheeks, and I had to get out of there. I have never seen a person mean something SO badly before, nor have I ever felt more loved than in that very moment. And more importantly; for the first time I let myself be truly loved and feel worthy of it. That incident sticks with me, as well you can imagine.

Anyway, as I was saying, eating my through life I was. However, as I can't, and won't, do that now, I tend to cry a lot. I think it was about time I paid attention to it all, because gosh, could I BE more intuitive!? I feel so much, and strongly, about so many things, places, relationships, etc, it's just thoughts and gut feelings as long as the eye can "see". So, I have decided to try to understand where it's coming from and what to do with it all. It's going to be a long, gnarly and never-ending journey, but I think it is worth it. It's part of who I am. And as another part of trying to love and appreciate myself, and to be true to who I am, this is just another element of it.

I want to share this poem/song/whatever/scribbly-doodle with you

I don't want to, any more


How long is this going to be?
This state of mind, this pain and grief
How did it start, yes; how? how?
On a winter morning, when I first saw you
A revolution, I will never forget

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How ardently I adore you
Your passion, all that is you, always,
When you are around, I see you
No escaping the intensity in those brown eyes
Such a revolution, every time

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How your presence strengthens me
and yet also shatters me
Your words make me wiser, I want to learn
How you give me nothing and yet everything
There is no reality, there is no you and me

How one look can suffice, and create certainty
Through you, I see life
No words needed, I understand anyway
How can I go on searching for it?
When you have showed me perfection

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you
But I don't want to love you any more


That's all I had to say today. Hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Semi-Demi

Weird mind in the last days. I shall not elaborate, because I think most people won't' be able to understand my peculiarity... Plus, how difficult is it not to try to explain intuition, gut feelings, and alike, in writing. Very hard indeed. Suffice to say; I feel something is going to occur or change...

So, I've been what you can call totally inept as to feeling good about myself, in most ways. I have felt really not attractive and stuff. Even as I have lost weight, I have found bad things to say about myself. I've just been blinded by the negatives, such as increased levels of lines and wrinkles, loose skin etc etc, instead of focusing on the positives. I have vouched to try to stop it. Why should I be my own biggest enemy? It is super duper silly. My first step is huge really. It is to love my own face straight out of the shower; red eyes and all. (My eyes are always red and sore after a shower, as is my skin...) So, as the blog title says; I am doing a Semi-Demi and posting a picture of my face right after a shower. Absolutely NO make-up. Yes, I am quite blond around the eyes, aren't I?! I call it a semi-Demi because Demi Moore posted pictures of herself, taken by her, in her bathroom, with little clothing on her... And as I was only wearing underwear too, but only showing my face; hence the semi part. :-)


It's period time. But I am not going to complain. I love that I get it, every month, almost on the day. Love it, because due to my obesity I was without for nearly 10 years. I could only produce one with the help of hormonal pills. So, yes, I welcome it, as then I know things are working as they should. What a blessing that is! However, when this is nearing I always feel incredibly emotional. It says a lot when I cried watching Jessica Simpson's "The Price of Beauty". OK, it was touching when she helped a Vietnamese lady, but still... You just get so much more sensitive, don't you? Heck, even the sex drive changes during it all. It is boosted! Mine is at least. Also, me, and many other women I've talked to, get super sensitive vaginas, especially during the period itself. So, your sex drive is through the roof, your vagina is ready to make you come like in a second, and yet, most women don't feel up to it, because of the obvious obstacle of what having your period means... It's almost criminally unfair! One of life's ironies. But, have you also noticed that you feel more powerful as a woman just before, and during, your period. I feel like I could conquer the world or something.

One of my facebook friends had written something I found insanely funny today. She is apparently holidaying in Turkey and sun bathing is obviously a big part of it. This is what she wrote: "You know you're badly sunburned when a little girl at the beach shouts to her mum; "Muuum, that red girl scares me!"

I'll go now. A short post is better than no post, right!?

Much love xxx

Just a little note from the scared little me

Sometimes I am scared of falling in love and starting a new relationship. I seem to think about such things when I feel vulnerable, and I feel vulnerable today. I am scared of it because it is new, fresh, insecure, unsafe and agonising. Also the fright of allowing yourself to love and be loved, wholly. Will I ever dare to go there again? Will I be able to risk falling again, in such a way as I did with Bob? Risk, because it could all fall to pieces. It is so fragile, like a house of cards. The peril of falling for someone not available. It is a risk to allow myself to go there, because I might end up falling for someone who is taken, yet again; who has promised to stay elsewhere until death do them apart. And you have no idea how much that worries me. Actually, just writing about it makes me weep. I can hardly breathe, because I can't bare loving like that again, and not ending up with the chosen one. The one whom you can't describe what it feels like to love, because no words suffice. You just feel it in your whole body that this is it. This is where I want to be, this is who I want to be with, this is H O M E. This is a safe haven, this is my best friend, my lover and the one I can share everything with and not be judged. This is someone who really sees me, and brings out the best in me, and of course vice versa! This is the one who makes me like the person I become, when I am with him/her. I felt all of these things with Bob, and a lot more too, and I still do really. I have plans to try once more to get some sort of closure... I deserve it. It won't happen just yet, and I will tell you more about it as it nears. Anyway; yes, I am one scared little shit. At the same time I am really thankful for meeting him. At least I have wholly loved once in my life, if it never happens again. I know now what to look for, what I need in a person to be more content with someone else than I am alone, and I also know what love should feel like inside.