L.O.V.E

Love… love… Tasting the word. What does it really mean? I think it means different things for different people. I mean like how you understand it, what you make of it. What does the word L O V E hold for you?! There are many types of love, and I think that to be mostly content, you need some of all the different types. Love from friends, peers, colleagues, parents, siblings, community, school/work, family, that one special person and also some sort of spiritual love as well. And perhaps to top it off; the intimate and sexual form of love too. Some people are lucky to be covered with love from all these, while some are not. Some live hermit lives where the only love they have is the sexual kind they get from the odd hooker. While some live typically A4 perfect lives, with kids, parents, pets, husbands and wives, where love seems to flow like cheap champagne on New Year’s Eve. Then there’s me, and all the other singles out there. Who graciously pretends that the love from family, peers, from friends, pets, from solo sex until batteries wear out, and hands get cramped, or from the occasional fuck-and-run after a wet night out, are enough. This doesn’t mean that I am not insanely glad that I have family and friends, one pet, and my own two hands and a fantasy to please myself, but, and this is a big but; it just isn’t enough. My life is deficient in romantic love. I miss it so much it kills me to look at romantic films, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Does it make me a bad person to admit that the love I am surrouned by isn't enough? I miss the whole concept of love between two people who are committed to each other. I just love being in love, and being in a relationship. Solitude is only great in small portions. Then comes the question; am I ready to put myself out there, to find myself a man/woman? Am I emotionally ready? Sadly the answer is a resounding no! Not by far. I can’t even begin to explain how little I am ready, and that makes me very upset. I want to be ready! I kinda feel ready inside, but then I stop myself because I know that I couldn’t have anyone touch me the way I look. It would feel revolting to me. It just would.

I sound bitter, but I am not. I am writing this with a small smile on my lips, because I do know that there is hope. I do believe that I will find someone who is ideal for me, with both flaws and perfections. With whom I am going to bicker with, over the dishes, economy, toilet seats, computer usage, etc etc… And honestly; I can’t wait to have a good old-fashioned passionate fight. I am a hot-blooded person, and I can get really mad, fast, but then the storm lasts for around 5 minutes, and all is forgotten. I don’t dwell.

Sometimes I think there is one type of love that many people, if not most, forget about in the rush that is our lives. It is the kind that comes second, third or even forth in the line; it is the real profound, and grand love for yourself. How many of us haven’t found ourself thinking; as long as everyone around me is happy, I am happy. I don’t think that that is the whole truth, not if we dare to listen to the voice within… I think it is extremely important to also love and care about oneself. That way we love others better too…

Saturday ramble… I wrote it just as a note-to-self really, but then I thought; hey why not post it in here… so I did… *lol*

I finished my home exam two hours before deadline, and sent it by mail yesterday. Let us hope I’ll pass… One month till next exam. Phew!

And just to clearify, I LOVE my friends so much, and I I wouldn't be who I am without them!

EV ;-)