Frosted

So, yesterday was exactly one year since my surgery, and I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't believe just how far I've come in that year. I am so pleased with the result, and I am also really proud of myself for having done so well. I am not saying I am perfect, of course I have my days with eating that isn't 100 % healthy, but in general I do eat really healthy. As of today I've lost 75, 5 kilos (166 lbs) in 13 months, as I started on a special pre-surgery diet on December 7th 2009... So yeah, I am happy with it.

The only thing missing now is a job, and perhaps someone to share my life with. Sometimes I think it will never happen for me, but then, if that's how my life is supposed to be like, being single I mean, then I will have to live with that. There are a lot of things to get over and to heal from before I am ready to try to dare to fall in love again. Which is one of the many reasons I think about moving to Australia. I feel I need a change. Something new to breathe in. A new life, a new phase, a new start, new warm climate, and not to mention, new impulses and people that might take my mind off things it shouldn't think about. I know that the love you feel inside won't magically stay at the airport when I leave, but I am hoping that all the new life I would have to get used to, and such, would help me. This place surely hasn't. How wonderful it would be to meet other single persons to befriend and spend time with. I love my friends, but almost all of them are in such different places in their lives, than me, and I would love to have some more single friends to hang with on a more daily basis, as that is what I miss. I am alone a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes me feel lonely. I like my own company, but it can get a bit much. All the time spent alone has made me appreciate the solitude, and sometimes I even prefer it, and that actually scares me. Because I am, from birth of, a very social person, and I want to stay that way, you know?! I fear I am not able to convey what I mean, as the two things I've written sound contradictory... I guess it is hard to explain, and perhaps I am ambiguous in my ways right now. I think that I am scared that the constant solitude will lead to a preferred hermit-like life.

Love is a fickle thing. So is life, so is our emotions. I was talking about the whole Bob thing with a friend the other day, and I said to her that I fear it will never pass, for real, but that I hope I can find someone else to love and share my life with. Then she asked; but are you up for settling for less? No was my answer, but what real choice do I have? It's been 6 years, in 6 days, and I kind of ask myself this question; when will it pass when it hasn't done so in six years? It's not like I haven't tried. I don't want to love him, for fuck's sake! Man, sometimes I really wish I had never met him, never fallen so fucking hard that every thought is his, never seen the truth in his eyes... I have asked to be relieved from this, but it just isn't happening. "Everyone" keeps telling me to move on, but when you've tried every damn thing to do so, and it still isn't working, what to do? I wish, oh so desperately, that a magic off-switch existed, but alas, no such thing has been invented. Seriously, I'd die to be rid of these insanely strong feelings. I have one more thing to try, and that involves him, and that is the hard part. I think he is scared stiff of being alone with me, for obvious reasons, but I have to ask. I will do so, but not quite yet.

I am chilly inside

So cold inside
Empty
Blinded
By memories
which I don't want
to embody my whole being

Why is it so hard
to lie under frosted layers
of air
And feel the chills that your absence produces