Last days... New beginnings...

It's been almost a month since my last entry, and as many of you know; I got a job! Yay! I am starting tomorrow. I will be working as a social worker, well duh, within a municipality nearby. The title is welfare officer. I don't know exactly what my job will be though, but I will know for sure tomorrow. I don't know what the pay is yet either, as I have to hand in my testimonials from previous jobs I've had, for them assess the exact pay I shall receive. I know what the minimum wage is, but I know I will get more than that, as I have worked before and that counts too. Service increment I guess it's called. I really can't wait to earn money and have something to go to every day, after all those years of school. If I had loads of money, I'd gladly do the Master's Degree in social work, as there is a lack in people doing that around here, but it's just too costly. And I don't think the pay afterwards works as an incentive either. It doesn't balance the amount of years in school well at all. Well, that is the case for many occupations here. Especially the more typically female dominated professions...

Now that the day is almost here I am scared. Scared I won't be good enough. Scared I won't be able to carry out the job to a satisfactory level. In my sensible place, I know it's thick to think that, but in my more fragile self, I can't help it... I know that I have a really strong professional strength behind me, as I got great grades and all that. But it's the actual execution of the work, dealing with loads of different clients every day that I am anxious about. Also, this is one of the last things on my list of reclaiming my life. (I have three more things, but more on them a different time) I have grown, learnt, changed, and evolved a lot in the last 10 years. I've gone through a lot; from being every sexually and emotionally harassed/abused at work; being almost raped and others things, which lead to depression, times of self-loathe, feeling of inadequacy, feeling of guilt, over-eating, self-medicating on sweets to soften the dark thoughts of my soul and mind, and even times of anxiety. As I think about all those things, my tears are actually running silently down my cheeks right now. Not over sadness, but over bewildered joy and pride, that I've reclaimed the self-love, self-pride, self-esteem, contentment, positivism, strength and balance from my younger years. You know, before I started to destroy myself... (In addition I've completed my education and lost lots of weight). I didn't destroy myself consciously, to begin with, but I think in the end it came to that. I felt so much hatred against who I was, who I'd become, what my body was like, and all that, that I felt I might as well just make it even worse. I guess, deep inside, I didn't think I was worthy of anything better. Then one day I met Bob, and he managed, without knowing it obviously, to totally turn that around. In just one week my thoughts started to change and I felt again that I was actually worth a better life. And that is what I have done now. I won! I actually did. I won over myself, with great help from him. I know people say that it isn't his doing, but frankly they have no fucking clue. They have no idea what was going in inside of me. They don't even know that I quite often longed for death to free me from the horror and misery of what I used to call life. They don't know that I didn't live, that I merely existed until I met him. All the things he did for me, by being who he was, can never be put into words. No words will ever suffice to describe it. Also the fact that he saw me; he totally and utterly saw me for exactly how I want to be seen. He saw beyond the obesity and the sadness in my eyes. He saw the strong intelligent woman, and somehow he was able to lure her out again. How can I not be forever grateful for that? In my view he saved my life. I seriously don't think I'd be here if I hadn't met him. He is my angel, perhaps sent to me, who knows? And to top it off, it was "that thing" between us as well, which made it all even stronger. So, yes, no matter what others might think; to me the date January 12th 2005 will always stand out as the "Monsoon" before, and after, date...

Now I'm going to unwind and relax with watching a wonderful BBC programme called "Escape to the country", a real-estate programme, and then I'm off to bed. And I will tell myself this; you will do well in this job, you just don't know, or realise it, yet...

Love & light - Monsoon