Otrivin Ville

In all my life I think I've owned around two pairs of high heeled shoes. I also never wore a dress after I was ten. If we don't count the Norwegian national costume, which is a dress. But I wore that the last time when I was 17, so... I actually always felt like a man in drag if I were to wear a dress or something, and that started rather early for me. When we were kids and playing house and weddings and stuff, I was always the man. This does not mean that I have any wish to be a man, because I don't! I have never ever felt really psyched about hair, fashion, shoes and clothes and typically female things. The only thing I took a remote interest in was make-up, because after all, I am a bit vain when it comes to my face. My footwear has been a disaster all my life. My idea of a good shoe has always been Dr Martens and Adidas runners. Yeah, that's reeeallly feminine. In 2001 I bought my first pair of high heeled shoes. Why? Because I was going to a wedding in Poland. I wore them again in 2006 in another wedding. That's it. So, you can imagine my shock when I for the first time in my 35 year old life fell for a pair of high heeled shoes I saw in an add on amazon.co.uk. I actually love them. I want them. I need them, and yet, I can't have them. Way expensive. But they are the coolest pair of shoes ever. I don't know what it is, but man I would feel like a goddess with those on my feet, and a nice ensemble to go with it. They're from "French connection" and I saw them at Javari.co.uk. If I am honest, I have to admit that my feminine side has indeed been emerging little by little over the last 5 years, and it has peaked in the last year. Yet, I am still quite masculine in my ways, but my feelings towards a dress and such stuff don't repulse me as much as it used to, and I quite like that. I feel more like a real woman if you know what I mean.

In the last week I've been ill. I don't know whether it is the swine flu or not, but just in case I've mostly stayed at home all alone. God how boring! Especially when you MUST stay in. More people have died in Norway of the swine flu than in all the other Scandinavian countries together, so... I have three of the risks that potentially can be fatal for me if I catch it. I have low lung function, asthma and I am obese. I am going to get the vaccine. I have come to that conclusion. Even though I am extremely unsure and sceptic of the whole thing. There's so much crap in those vaccines, that could potentially be dangerous down the line. Then on the other hand, where would we be hadn't it been for the vaccines against the illnesses and plagues that killed people in heaps in the olden times. The thing is that I hardly ever get sick like that, like with flu or even a cold. I don't think I've had a real cold in 10 years. It sucks being ill though. Every time I breathe in, my throat, chest and even stomach it feels like, makes whining, squealing and horrible sounds, and it is a lot harder than usual to breathe. However, I am still here, and so I shan't complain. 

I was at the hospital on Wednesday. I had an appointment to talk to the surgeon who is going to operate me. The news weren't great. My hope of having surgery in 2009 was killed there and then. I must lose 14 kilos (around 30 lbs) before January, or else no surgery then. He actually wanted to wait until Feb/March. I started to cry. I don't know what to do if that be the case. I am unable to work, though not unwilling, and I will have no money. Help! Being single and not having anyone to rely on right now, both emotionally and economically (as harsh as that latter one might sound) is quite rough for me. Friends are of course great, but they're not here. They're not here for those moments when you just need someone desperately. You know what I mean, don't you!? Moreover, most of my friends live far away, even in other countries. I will prevail though, and I am trying to see the positive in this. At least I will have less to lose after surgery, and the operation itself will be less risky and fatal this way. 

I am still dreaming about living in Spain. In fact, I spend quite some time fantasising about it. Even talking with myself.  Yeah, I am a bit on the odd side of life sometimes. Also I am contemplating on all the travelling I will be doing once I am ready for it again. I can't wait!! There are so many places, and fantastic people, I want to visit.  The first place I will go to is probably Ireland though. Every time I see pictures, news etc from Dublin and Ireland, I get tears in my eyes. It is my second home. One of "my kids", Cathal, sent me a friend request on facebook on Friday. I thought it was so cool, as he after all is 17. I didn't think that an old au-pair, that he hasn't seen in 8 years, would be interesting. He and I were really close though when I lived there. He was my "cutieboy", and he was a great, caring and gorgeous human being. Here we are, the two of us. I was 20 he was just two. This was only three

months in, in my first year there. The other pictures are of him at 3 year old. I love the two kids so much, still.