Venting

I've been thinking about guys and relationships a lot lately. Seeing as almost every person I know is married with/without kids or in a relationship. It is not that unusual when you're going on 36, but then why does it feel so unattainable for me? It's just a feeling I have. It's telling me to just get used to the idea of pure singleness in the future and forever. Like the years to come don't hold anything good in that particular department store for me. I met the man of my dreams, yes, he is, 5,5 years ago. He is married though, and it will never happen. I used to call him Bob in this blog, and here I am at it again. Why can't my sad sad heart, soul, body and mind stop seeing, smelling, sensing and hearing him wherever I go? Why can't it just be over? I haven't even seen the damn guy in 4 years. I feel so fucking pathetic. But then I know that when it comes to love, no one is pathetic. We can't really help what the heart wants. Lord knows I've tried my best to push him and his lovely ways put of my body, but for some odd, and totally unexplainable reason, he sticks like bad chewing gum on a sweater. I have had better months and weeks when he wasn't AS apparent, but in the last two months he has resurfaced completely. One night I woke up five times during the night, and every time I had dreamt about him. When the morning came I was exhausted and just lied in bed silently crying because of the pain it gives me to "have to see him" in my dreams, when all I really want to do is to forget... but I can't forget, well, duh, obviously. And that bugs me. It is like a scene from the lovely film "Four wedding and a funeral", when Fiona says something similar to this to Charlie; It's you Charles, it's always been you, and for as long as I like you no one else stands a chance". Yeah, there it is. That is the awful truth. It does not help when people say things like; Oh you'll meet that special one when you least expect it, you'll get over him, you just have to stop thinking about him, he is married, get over it, he is too old for you anyways, he's a granddad for God's sake, I am sure you'll meet someone, there's someone out there for you, just be patient... Like I don't know this? I am not stupid, nor am I ignorant. But I know this; due to him I now know what true, strong and lasting love feel like inside. And I also know that love isn't something that magically goes away with the flick of a switch. I wish it did, but that it not how it works. And it is scary shit I'm telling you. It frightens me every day when I wake up, and his face is the first I see, as his face is all I won't get. Is frightens me that when I think, and dream, about possible future boyfriends all I see is him, because how will I find someone else when he so obviously holds everything inside me still!? Trust me, I have had other boyfriends, and I have always been able to shift them away eventually, so it's not like I haven't tried and succeeded before. I do know how to do it, but this time nothing seems to work. I think he has put a spell on me, just so that I will stay tortured for the remains of my life. *lol*

Nowadays I feel old tired and weary. I hope it will go away. I am not positive. I want to be though.

I know you are probably all sick of Bob, but what can I say? This is me, this is how I feel, and this is me sharing it. 

Some words I threw together: 

In there

In the weeping grass, that’s where I will be
In the eyes of a child, that’s where you will find me
Forever swept into your heart
In the songs you listen to, that’s where I will be
In the hidden secrets, that’s where you will find me
Perpetually entwined between the words they speak
The things they convey in sad lines of ink
In the shouting silence of
words not written, words not spoken, words not thought
That’s where I will be