One big thing this year

So now 2010 is nearing its end, and I am left to try to welcome the new year. 2010 has flown by like a Jet plane to me. When 2011 comes I am sure I shall think that we actually skipped 2010, that is how fast time flew. I did go through a lot this year, both physically and emotionally. I have shed 73, 5 kilos, and that is a lot. It's a whole fucking person! I really don't know what to say other than thank all my friends from all over the place; Norway, Italy, France, Ireland, Scotland, England, Venezuela, Argentina, Iran, Canada and USA, and all other countries. Thank you for your moral support, for your wise words, for sticking with me, for believing in me, for cheering me on, for telling me that I am beautiful, for good laughs and tears shed, for the tiring hours listening/reading about my whining about Bob, (yet another year!) for encouragements and most of all just for being my friends and caring about me. The feeling is mutual, believe me. You are SO important to me, all of you and I love each one of you.

So you might wonder what the heck this headless person is, and what is she wearing? Is it a tight skirt?! Well, she is me, and I am wearing the trousers I wore a year ago. Only this time I was able to fit into one of the legs of the trouser. Isn't it fun? Isn't cool?

And this is the "proof", pulling out the other leg form behind. Hahaha! And then the next one is me showing the big t-shirt I wore...

And these three pictures also capture and sum up 2010 for me. Three faces of the same woman, a woman who has changed a lot, not only on the outside, but also inside of herself. She had found herself, her true self again, (and she speaks of herself in third person too actually ;-)) and she is learning new things every day about what she is, and who she wants to be. It is a very exciting journey. I know one of the pictures has sunglasses on, but that particular one kind of really shows the fatness of my neck and face, and also hides the sorrow in those blue eyes, which is good. I cringe when I see myself, it actually feels like ten years ago, and it was only a little over a year ago. I wasn't even at my biggest on those pictures!! You can press it to view it in a bigger version.


I look forward to 2011 because I know that that will be the year that I will meet some of you for the first time, face to face, and you have no idea just how much I am looking forward to that. I can't wait to hold you and give you a long big warm hug in real life, and not just virtual ones.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!

Love, light and hope - Monsoon -

Season's greetings

I just want to say Merry Christmas to all my friends in blogland around the world.

God Jul, Buone Feste Natalizie, Nollaig Shona Duit, Feliz Navidad, Счастливого Рождеств, Froehliche Weihnachten, Boze Narodzenie, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Natal!!!

Hope you who celebrate will have a wondrous and blissful time with family and friends.

Much love and hugs from snowy cold Norway, White Christmas here you see... It is actually snowing heavily right now, as I look out my kitchen window. I took this picture out my balcony door this morning. Love the colours of a cold winter morning.

Inspirational people

I thought I'd write about someone who inspired/inspires me. I have three people, one is a former teacher, one is my mum and one is an American man.

The teacher's name is Dag Johannessen, and he is a remarkable man and teacher. His way of teaching, inspiring us, lifting us up, giving of himself and his free time, teaching us to believe in our abilities is just extraordinary! He has a way with words that is fantastic, both in writing and speaking, and hearing him talk about history makes you love it even more than you did before. He can transform even the most hardcore history haters into wanting to learn learn learn history. His passion for it is so apparent, and this is profoundly contagious. Attending his lessons are by far the best ones I have ever experienced, and I will never forget it. His wisdom will forever be with me, and I treasure it immensely.

The American man is totally inspiring just by living his simple life and making the most of it. He was born in Egypt with cerebral palsy, and started his life being thrown into a trash can. But the newborn had a will to live, so he made little weeping sounds and someone found him. I don't know the depth of the story, but I know he came to USA at age 4 to be treated for cerebral palsy and that he ended up living there. He sought out, at an early stage, to pay back to the country and community who had helped him with numerous operations and trained him. He started a coffee shop called "More than coffee", where most of the profit goes to various charities. This man is called Sam Malek, and he is dependent on crutches to walk around. He has arthritis and some other things too, but does this stop him? No. He is married and has two kids, and he lives to serve God and the people who are in dire need of change, material, emotional, mental, physical and monetary. His little shop employs people with different challenges, be it physical or mental, and tries to empower them in all the ways. He also teaches them to believe in themselves, and he teaches us that people with disabilities only want to be treated like any other person. The only difference is that you might have to show a little more patience with working with them, that's all, according to Sam. I first gained knowledge of this astounding man when I watched the TV-show "Extreme makeover - home edition", where they in addition to giving a family with disabled kids a new home, they also gave Sam a bigger shop that was better suited for wheelchairs. This because Sam was so sad that wheelchairs couldn't get in before. I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget the look of Sam's face when he understood that this was actually happening. How proud, moved and happy he was when he saw that he now also could employ people in wheel chairs. I cried like a baby, and I still do every time I see this episode! WOW! They knew they could help Sam because he could certainly be trusted to pay it forward, as that is his motto. Paying it forward, one cup at a time. Look at my tote bag, which I bought from his store at the coffee shop's website: More than coffee 

 

Here's Sam when he saw his new shop for the first time

Since I live in Norway, and thus quite far from St- Louis, I thought the least I could do was to buy a little something to support him and his amazing work. (When I get a job I will certainly buy more stuff!!) This is a guy who had all odds against him, literally thrown into the garbage like no one wanted him, but rose to the occasion and became a man in the best sense of the word. Just writing about him has me all moved... This is what I wrote in his guest book: "Hi Sam! A while ago I watched the Extreme makeover episode where you so deservingly get a brand new Coffee shop. I have to say I have never shed more tears in my life, while watching a TV show. They were tears of pride, joy, awe and admiration. I was so touched and inspired by your story, you have no idea!! You are truly the most remarkable person I have ever "seen". The strength your eyes conveyed was amazing. I can't even explain how much you and your story changed me, no words would suffice basically. THANK YOU for being the human being you are! I dearly hope to be able to order coffee right from your beautiful shop one day. If I ever go to the USA again, it will be my first stop. Bless you and your family!

The third is my mum; a fighter as well. Born disabled, without hip joints in both her hips. Spent the first three years of her life in plaster up to her under arms. Her parents could only look at her through a window in the hospital. So I guess you can assume that there wasn't a lot of love and caring touches given to her during those imperative three first years of her life. To top it off; when they operated on her back then, they used NO anaesthesia at all. Can you imagine getting NEW hips/joints without any anaesthesia?! No wonder my mum is a bit "scared" of hospitals. My mum has lived her whole life in horrible pain, and was misdiagnosed for many many years. She should have gotten new joints as a child, but didn't get them before she was 39 and 40. By that time her hips was actually relying on her pelvis bone for support, and thanks to that her pelvis is crooked and worn down. According to doctors it was a huge miracle that she could even stand erect. Now, her left hip had gotten really bad again, and her left foot has gotten shorter due to this. She is so crooked inside, it's madness! Also she had absolutely no bones left around her hip. She had surgery on November 18th. They had to build her bones (bone transplantation), to have anything at all to fasten the new hip/joint with. She is back home now and is reliant on crutches, as she can't put any pressure on her left foot, until January 13th. She is so strong, both physically and mentally, and I admire her no end. To have such a strength; I could only wish! Despite her situation she is always compassionate and eager to help all others, and rarely, too rarely if you ask me, does she ask for anything in return. I am so glad she is my mum, and also one of my best friends. Since she came home from the hospital I have been able to help her out a lot, as I am not working now. I've been helping her dress, and I have massaged her, given her foot baths and cleaned the house. Every day I have been up there, and I am only glad to finally be able to give something back to her. She's a star! Mum at her 58th birthday this year. 

Love and light - Monsoon -

November rain, or was it snow?

Do you know what I really loathe? Drivers who can't follow the speed limits... Like yesterday I was driving home, at night, from visiting my dear friend Rønnaug. I was left behind one car that annoyed me so much I was flipping him constantly, and also giving out to him loudly. Yeah, like he could hear me, or see the finger, as I flipped him in such a way only I could see it. Anyway, when the speed limit was 50 Km/h, he drove much faster, and then when the speed limit went up to 80, he drove in 50. He kept on driving stupidly all the way, and I could not overtake him either. Could I have become more irate? No. How can it be so difficult to just drive what the limit says? I am what you would call an angry driver, at times. When I see pure stupidity, hazardous behaviour, cutting in front of me when I am driving fast so that I have to hit the brakes hard, horrible overtakes, and also when I see people believing they are the God of the roads and think they are the only people on the road, I get fuming. However, although I am angry, I never ever take chances and do moronic decisions which could jeopardize both mine and others people's lives. Like I said I was driving home from Rønnaug yesterday night. We had a fantabulous evening together. Here's a photo from when we sat outside while she was having a fag. It was cold, and it was actually snowing, though luckily only lightly.


Weight wise; I have now lost a little over 70 kilos, which is 154 lbs. I am happy about that. Also I am really chuffed that I lost 5 cm in the waist in just one week. Wow. I am really starting to see that I have a figure and a shape underneath it all. Yay!

Work wise; no fucking news. I try to keep positive, but it is getting increasingly difficult, I must say. I keep saying to myself that the jobs I didn't land, weren't the right for me, and that I wouldn't have been content in them, and that something way better awaits down the line. Let us just hope that line is kind of short. *lol*

Life in general wise; so and so... I don't feel like getting into all that, it's too negative.

I want to share a poem though:

Frost on my lips

Have you come to keep me warm
Tonight
Under sheets of frost
and cold wet trees
Under a dark blue sky
filled with stars and hope

Is the night nearing its end
when your gaze gives me chills
When it sticks to my lips
and leaves them blue

You came to keep me cold
like only you can

Love and light - Monsoon -

A tiny video message

So I decided to have a go, after all your requests. Sorry about the hairdo, it's a bloody mess today! :-) Also, I do look a bit over nervous and excited, so don't mind all the odd facial expressions!! Haha!

October, and the trees are stripped bare, for all they wear

I figured I had to give blogging another round as October is nearing its end... At least then I've blogged seven times in one month. Not that I will ever again beat my blogging mania of September 2006, when I had 42 entries! How could I have anything to write about!? Perhaps I had a more exciting life back then, or perhaps I was even more screwed up!? ;-)

I've had a weird weekend really. Been almost completely alone all the time. Don't get me wrong, I like being alone. I like my own company, as odd as that might sound. I don't like it when I feel lonely because of the obvious, but that wasn't the protruding feeling this weekend actually. I've mostly spent it eating, having a "Two and a half men" marathon on DVD, stared at the wall and daydreaming, sat in front of the computer, skulking around the flat, cuddling and playing with the cat, listened to music and also had my weekly foot bath. Today I also cleaned the fridge and I think you could lick it, that's how super clean it is. However, as I was putting all the shelves and racks back in again, suddenly I could not, for the love of God, get the bottle rack in the right way. I swear I was irate into the thousands, to say the least! Now that wasn't my brightest moment as well you can imagine. And I am usually a very technical and practical person, so wow! *lol* I did manage it in the end though... I also had a lovely talk with my newly made mum of two, Irene, which was great. She told me about the birth and all, which was really nice to hear!

The weight is going down again, thankfully. I have now lost 67 kilos, which is 147, 4 lbs. When I have lost 70,1 I will have reached a milestone weight wise, so I am really looking forward to that! How shall I celebrate, perhaps by buying a new top or something, if I can afford it? The ones I bought like two months ago are a bit too wide now. If I could just find some that I actually like. The fashion nowadays sucks if you ask me. And also; where have all the V-necked tops gone into hiding? Being a large-chested woman I need my V-neck!! 

This is my God child Ernst. Isn't he cute? This is in my parents' kitchen. His mum and I have been friends since we were 2 and 3 years old. I was at his 1st birthday party this month. It was a lovely day, despite the bad news his family got the day before; remember I told you about a man who got lung cancer, in an earlier post? That man is Ernst's maternal grand father. Bless them all!

Well, this was a sign of life from me. I hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

This is SO 2005!

Why can't I just rejoice and become wholly taken with good emotions towards the really terrific thing in my life right now, which is losing weight? It bugs me. Instead there is always that constant craving, that constant sub flavour... That thing is always present, lurking at the back of my head. A presence within where only I can feel it, like to taunt me. My stomach is in constant upheaval, you know that feeling you have when you dread something, or actually the feeling you have when you just met someone that you are in love with. Argh! Instead what is happening at the moment is that is keeps getting stronger, and to be honest it feels like it is out of my hands. Because no matter what I do, nothing changes. A long time ago I "surrendered this case to God", and told him that I can't deal with it, I can't see what to do, where to go, how to feel about it, and I don't know what will cure me. I can't say, feel or see that it helped. There have been "quieter" times during these years, but now it's flipping worse than ever. Why? Why now, after not seeing him for over 4 years? I do not get it. I am weary and I just want time to go fast so that I can try the last thing on my list to try to shed this. I can't do it now, I need more time. I will get over it one day. I must! What is there to be learnt from this? I haven't a clue!

The weight is at a standstill at the moment, and I am getting increasingly frustrated over it. I know that I can't expect miracles every day, but it would be really nice to lose some at least. I did lose 6 cm in my waistline in the last 2 weeks, that's something... Maybe it is because I am not content at the moment? I feel drained and unhappy. I have to try getting my zest back. During this week I think around 15 people have come up to me at the grocery shop, at the pharmacy, etc and said: Oh you look so pretty, you are gorgeous, you look great etc etc, and I just smile and say thank you. The thing is though, that right now I don't give a shite, because I don't feel it from within. Did I tell you I must get a grip? Wake up and smell the greatness of what I have, instead of what I don't have: Bob, a job and money... Suck it up "biatch" *lol*

I am thankful for music in my life. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without it. Also, I am forever thankful for all my friends who have stood by me through this. Especially those who never judged and who also believed me when I told them about "it all"... I think Rønnaug has endured the most, and she still doesn't mind me nagging about it. At least she says so... She was here Friday and we had a really fabulous evening. I laughed out loud several times, and it felt good in my whole body.

Sunday morning, and I am soon off for my usual Sunday visit to gran. Look, she knitted me a new hat for winter. I love it. I am enjoying the sun on a cold crisp day on my balcony... Well, on this photo I was out of the sun though, as you can see... :-)  



Well, signing off... Thank God you say!? Yeah, I know... I feel that way too. ;-)  

Love and light - Monsoon -

whatnot

Welcome to Lonely Island, population; ME! At least that's how I feel today, and have for a little while. I am not the usual cheerful me these days. (well, I mean I've been quite cheerful after the surgery and all that...) The thing is, I have felt this type of lonely ever since I left one particular building, four years and four months ago. The one where Bob is. I know you are all more than sick and tired of hearing about him and all the things surrounding this, but if you don't want to read it, skip this post, simple as that. I need to vent, and it is my blog and my "screwed" up heart, mind, soul and body... I used to deal with it by keeping my emotions at bay by eating and stuffing my face, as you all are aware of by now. And, so now I am actually battling it a little. I want to stuff my face, a little bit. Not at all to the same extent as before, but still, it's there. It will be my battle for as long as I shall live, that's just how things are with me. Food and sweets have always been my comfort, and will never stop being so. We all have our own built in, though acting out, "survival kits", and mine is food. Someone else's might be drugs, smoke, alcohol, gambling, sex etc etc... the thing is though, that I have absolutely no lust for food, like from a craving point of view. It doesn't tempt me at all, and I don't feel hungry like ever! Yet, I do want to do what I call "panic eat", "force feed" or "obsessive eat"... I eat, just because it feels like I need it, I MUST have it, or else my life will fall into bits. So, my way of dealing with it right now is writing, I write a lot of poetry about Bob and other stuff too. I write in my journal and I write this blog. In addition I try to be more with friends and to try to have fun basically, to try to fill the obvious VOID that the love of my life left. Because the truth of the matter is, no matter how cliché it might sound; my soul is lonely without him. Almost none of you know the whole story behind this, and that is due to me wanting to protect his privacy, so I will never disclose the whole thing here. I know of course that if I told you, you would probably understand it all a little better. However I respect him too much to jeopardise anything in is life... I just sort of wish that love was easier. I thought I knew love before, but I didn't. And for the first time in my life I totally and utterly love one person, and what luck; he can't be mine. I also sort of wish that the pressure on my chest would leave me alone.


Lonely

It's all so scary at this side of the world
This single loveless place
The emptiness of my heart
The longing for something I don't even know

It's so scary sitting here by myself
Watching and listening
As year after year goes by
And I'm still stuck here
In myself
In my own body
In my own soul
I just sit
Wait
Gaze

It's all so scary in this white room
Where there's no hope for what's coming
Only disillusions and loneliness
And yearning for some truth to unveil itself 


Yeah, sulking and feeling sorry for myself today. That's life I guess.
I'll stop now

Monsoon