This is SO 2005!

Why can't I just rejoice and become wholly taken with good emotions towards the really terrific thing in my life right now, which is losing weight? It bugs me. Instead there is always that constant craving, that constant sub flavour... That thing is always present, lurking at the back of my head. A presence within where only I can feel it, like to taunt me. My stomach is in constant upheaval, you know that feeling you have when you dread something, or actually the feeling you have when you just met someone that you are in love with. Argh! Instead what is happening at the moment is that is keeps getting stronger, and to be honest it feels like it is out of my hands. Because no matter what I do, nothing changes. A long time ago I "surrendered this case to God", and told him that I can't deal with it, I can't see what to do, where to go, how to feel about it, and I don't know what will cure me. I can't say, feel or see that it helped. There have been "quieter" times during these years, but now it's flipping worse than ever. Why? Why now, after not seeing him for over 4 years? I do not get it. I am weary and I just want time to go fast so that I can try the last thing on my list to try to shed this. I can't do it now, I need more time. I will get over it one day. I must! What is there to be learnt from this? I haven't a clue!

The weight is at a standstill at the moment, and I am getting increasingly frustrated over it. I know that I can't expect miracles every day, but it would be really nice to lose some at least. I did lose 6 cm in my waistline in the last 2 weeks, that's something... Maybe it is because I am not content at the moment? I feel drained and unhappy. I have to try getting my zest back. During this week I think around 15 people have come up to me at the grocery shop, at the pharmacy, etc and said: Oh you look so pretty, you are gorgeous, you look great etc etc, and I just smile and say thank you. The thing is though, that right now I don't give a shite, because I don't feel it from within. Did I tell you I must get a grip? Wake up and smell the greatness of what I have, instead of what I don't have: Bob, a job and money... Suck it up "biatch" *lol*

I am thankful for music in my life. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without it. Also, I am forever thankful for all my friends who have stood by me through this. Especially those who never judged and who also believed me when I told them about "it all"... I think Rønnaug has endured the most, and she still doesn't mind me nagging about it. At least she says so... She was here Friday and we had a really fabulous evening. I laughed out loud several times, and it felt good in my whole body.

Sunday morning, and I am soon off for my usual Sunday visit to gran. Look, she knitted me a new hat for winter. I love it. I am enjoying the sun on a cold crisp day on my balcony... Well, on this photo I was out of the sun though, as you can see... :-)  



Well, signing off... Thank God you say!? Yeah, I know... I feel that way too. ;-)  

Love and light - Monsoon -