whatnot

Welcome to Lonely Island, population; ME! At least that's how I feel today, and have for a little while. I am not the usual cheerful me these days. (well, I mean I've been quite cheerful after the surgery and all that...) The thing is, I have felt this type of lonely ever since I left one particular building, four years and four months ago. The one where Bob is. I know you are all more than sick and tired of hearing about him and all the things surrounding this, but if you don't want to read it, skip this post, simple as that. I need to vent, and it is my blog and my "screwed" up heart, mind, soul and body... I used to deal with it by keeping my emotions at bay by eating and stuffing my face, as you all are aware of by now. And, so now I am actually battling it a little. I want to stuff my face, a little bit. Not at all to the same extent as before, but still, it's there. It will be my battle for as long as I shall live, that's just how things are with me. Food and sweets have always been my comfort, and will never stop being so. We all have our own built in, though acting out, "survival kits", and mine is food. Someone else's might be drugs, smoke, alcohol, gambling, sex etc etc... the thing is though, that I have absolutely no lust for food, like from a craving point of view. It doesn't tempt me at all, and I don't feel hungry like ever! Yet, I do want to do what I call "panic eat", "force feed" or "obsessive eat"... I eat, just because it feels like I need it, I MUST have it, or else my life will fall into bits. So, my way of dealing with it right now is writing, I write a lot of poetry about Bob and other stuff too. I write in my journal and I write this blog. In addition I try to be more with friends and to try to have fun basically, to try to fill the obvious VOID that the love of my life left. Because the truth of the matter is, no matter how cliché it might sound; my soul is lonely without him. Almost none of you know the whole story behind this, and that is due to me wanting to protect his privacy, so I will never disclose the whole thing here. I know of course that if I told you, you would probably understand it all a little better. However I respect him too much to jeopardise anything in is life... I just sort of wish that love was easier. I thought I knew love before, but I didn't. And for the first time in my life I totally and utterly love one person, and what luck; he can't be mine. I also sort of wish that the pressure on my chest would leave me alone.


Lonely

It's all so scary at this side of the world
This single loveless place
The emptiness of my heart
The longing for something I don't even know

It's so scary sitting here by myself
Watching and listening
As year after year goes by
And I'm still stuck here
In myself
In my own body
In my own soul
I just sit
Wait
Gaze

It's all so scary in this white room
Where there's no hope for what's coming
Only disillusions and loneliness
And yearning for some truth to unveil itself 


Yeah, sulking and feeling sorry for myself today. That's life I guess.
I'll stop now

Monsoon