sad post

This won’t be a long entry. But I thought that since it is almost three weeks since my last entry, it was in its place to write again.

I am very sad at the moment. My grandfather has cancer again, and this time it is a very aggressive form, in/around his gallbladder. His name is Trygve Bernhard, but people only use Trygve. I visited them last Monday, and when I saw him again today, almost a week later, it was like seeing two different persons. He had lost a lot of weight, and I felt his bones as I went to hug him to tell him I love him. He whispered back, love you too… It was terrible to see him so weak. He could hardly hold his cup of coffee. I could feel the knot in my throat grow and grow, but I stayed strong, for mam. When I went to the loo my tears started to run, but I managed to dry them off. I can’t start that crying engine, it will never stop. I am so close to my granda, and though he is old, I want him to be around much longer. I know we have to be happy for all the years he has been here… He is 87, and he hasn’t been sick a lot, and he hasn’t had much pain, his age considered. Granda said to my mum the other day; “well, we’re all going to lie in green fields and be happy, aren’t we?”… He has his faith, and this comforts me. I know he will get his peace, and I know he will look after me. I don’t mean to sound cynical, but in one way I hope he dies quickly, because he hates being so dependant, and then he won't be in so much pain. He hates the fact that his body reverses to almost infantry, and he can’t do anything to stop it…

There’s absolutely no dignity in his state right now, and you can see that it bothers him SOOO much! My mum agrees. His mind being clear and all. He has even driven a car 
up until now. God bless my granda. Love him! At times like this, I really feel that I am alone. Like living alone, having no one special in my life. I miss it, always, but especially now. But I am not going to make this about me… What about granma. She is going to lose her husband. Ah, I can’t think of it. I hate cancer, did I mention that!?!

Gosh, I’ve cried so much right now that my eyes are swollen to a state formerly unknown… I can hardly see truth be spoken. I am going to work tomorrow, but I just feel like going to granda and hold him all day. I can’t though. I am not tired, and there’s too much going on in my mind to be able to sleep right now. I guess one episode of CSI, season one will do the trick. I haven’t seen the first 7 seasons, as I never liked CSI before. So I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

Other than that, life is numb. Nothing more to say. I miss laughing. Like uncontrollably laughing, so that I almost piss my knickers out…

EV