Such a revolution

Apparently I am an incredibly emotional person. I guess all my life has been spent eating myself out of those said feelings, not daring to grasp what they were telling me. Eating them away was my way of subduing myself. Self-medicating on sweets, ice-cream and crisps. Lovely. When I look back I can hardly remember the time when I didn't do this. I know that I didn't do it, properly, until I was around like 19, but a lighter version started already at 16. That is 20 years of trying to be something I am not. Trying to be tough, happy on the outside, taking care of everyone else's needs and letting myself go, because why should I matter? When I met Bob, a lot of those negative thoughts and low self-worth vanished into thin air. At least the process was revolutionary started then... It was like I finally saw myself for who I really am, who I was meant to be. I understood that I was worth being loved, even by me. One time Bob and I were talking in his office. He was trying to pay me a compliment, and I was being my usual negative me. He was bragging about me too. Yet, I just couldn't receive it, and just left. But then, after about 2 hours I thought to myself, heck, why shouldn't I take that compliment. I went back to his office and told him so. He looked at me with the strongest gaze I have ever felt, (I am telling you, my heart was palpitating like mad) and almost strictly, and yet loving and tenderly and said with strength, while slamming his hand so hard on his desk; "Yes, "Monsoon", accept the compliment, God knows you're worth it!!" I nearly died. I stared at him, couldn't speak, the moment was frozen, and my tears just started running down my cheeks, and I had to get out of there. I have never seen a person mean something SO badly before, nor have I ever felt more loved than in that very moment. And more importantly; for the first time I let myself be truly loved and feel worthy of it. That incident sticks with me, as well you can imagine.

Anyway, as I was saying, eating my through life I was. However, as I can't, and won't, do that now, I tend to cry a lot. I think it was about time I paid attention to it all, because gosh, could I BE more intuitive!? I feel so much, and strongly, about so many things, places, relationships, etc, it's just thoughts and gut feelings as long as the eye can "see". So, I have decided to try to understand where it's coming from and what to do with it all. It's going to be a long, gnarly and never-ending journey, but I think it is worth it. It's part of who I am. And as another part of trying to love and appreciate myself, and to be true to who I am, this is just another element of it.

I want to share this poem/song/whatever/scribbly-doodle with you

I don't want to, any more


How long is this going to be?
This state of mind, this pain and grief
How did it start, yes; how? how?
On a winter morning, when I first saw you
A revolution, I will never forget

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How ardently I adore you
Your passion, all that is you, always,
When you are around, I see you
No escaping the intensity in those brown eyes
Such a revolution, every time

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How your presence strengthens me
and yet also shatters me
Your words make me wiser, I want to learn
How you give me nothing and yet everything
There is no reality, there is no you and me

How one look can suffice, and create certainty
Through you, I see life
No words needed, I understand anyway
How can I go on searching for it?
When you have showed me perfection

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you
But I don't want to love you any more


That's all I had to say today. Hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -