Oooh

Oh my God!!! I got all excited because I noticed a visitor from Adelaide in Australia. Oooh, I can't believe it. From my dream city!! Who are you!? Yeah, just had to say... Mental I am, I know... My head is doing me in today, in a very serious manner. And tomorrow is my birthday. Can't believe I am thirty-bloody-six years old... Yikes and more! 

Might be boring but it's all I got right now...

Birthday: August 2nd.
Birthplace: Stavanger
Eye colour: bluish
Hair colour: blondish
Height: 5'7
Right handed or left handed? Ambidextrous
Your heritage: Norwegian
My worst habit: obsessing about my age and th lines and wrinkles which are sneaking upon me  
Zodiac sign: Leo
Shoe size: 4 in UK sizes, 5 in US and 37 in Europe 
Innie or outie? Both!
Parents still together? Yes, 44 years! (since 14 and 16)
The shoes you wore today: Red adidas runners  
Your fears: spiders, fire and being on a sinking boat/ship
Thoughts first waking up: Hmmm... Must open those roller blinds
Your best physical feature: Eyes I think
Your bedtime: ranging from 11 and 01.30
Your most missed memory: Feeling totally free and inhibited

MY FAVOURITES

Favourite colour? Green and red
Food? "komle", a traditional Norwegian dish
Sport? I walk a lot, but to watch: football/soccer and handball
Animal? Sheep, cats and gerbils, but I love all animals
Ice Cream? "Sun lolly" and every sort that my cousin makes
Store? Clas Ohlson
Salad dressing? Don't really like it
Actor? Yikes, can't choose...
Song? Well right now it's "Codes" with "You are here"
Holiday? Christmas, I love the traditions that come with it
Season? Spring
Radio station? Don't listen to radio
Scent besides perfume? The smells of spring, sea, wet forest/wood
Body part on the opposite/same sex? Eyes, hips, nose and thighs

DO YOU

Swear? Yes, unfortunately, like a sailor at times. Would like to stop though
Sing well? I can if I try
Want to get married? It’s all the same to me really
Believe in yourself? Most of the time
Get motion sickness? Yes, in a car and bus, especially
Like thunderstorms? Yeah I do. Fantastic to look at!
Go to church? Not really
Sleep with stuffed animals? No, stopped at 14, but my teddy (aged 36) sits in my bedroom, like an ornament, poor thing.
Keep a journal/diary? Oh do I ever? Yes, since the age of 10
Dance in the rain? Love it!
Sing in the shower? I even dance!

THIS OR THAT

Pepsi or Coke? Neither, but Cola Zero is good
McDonald's or Burger King? Neither
Single or group dates? Single, if I must date…
Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate, give me chocolate!!
Strawberries or Blueberries? Both
Meat or veggies? I do like my meat
TV or movie? Depends, if there's anything to learn; TV
Guitar or drums? Couldn’t live without either
Adidas or Nike? Adidas
Chinese or Mexican? I think Chinese
Cheerios or Cornflakes? Neither, I prefer 4- korn, a 100 % natural un-processed whole grain muesli mix
Cake or pie? Not a big cake person, but if I were to be offered a slice of heaven, read: brownie, I'd have a go at it!


CAN YOU

Do the splits? Not any more, working on it though
Write with both hands? Yes, I am in fact ambidextrous
Whistle? Not very well, to my big annoyance
Blow a bubble? Course!
Roll your tongue in a circle? Heck yeah!
Cross your eyes? Yes, sometimes I even do it unintentionally
Walk with your toes curled? Yes, but it’s not an inclination I have.
Touch your tongue to your nose? No, but almost.
Dance? Yes, I think I have to say yes.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON

You touched: Tonje
You talked to on the phone: Ciara
You instant messaged: You mean sms? In that case; Ciara
You hugged: Arne, my friend Irene's husband when saying bye
You yelled at: My brother
You played a sport with: my handball team years ago

WHAT'S THE LAST

Time you laughed? Yesterday when out walking
Time you cried? When I watched the film "Haven"
Movie you watched? Sense and sensibility
Flavour of gum you chewed? Don't really chew gum
Joke you told? One about an eye doctor

RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT

Where are you? At home
What can you see out your window? Pure darkness, as all the streetlights of this village are out
Are you listening to music? What kind of questions is that, of course I am!
What are you wearing? Jeans and blue t-shirt
What's on your mouse pad? It is just all black

BELIEFS

Do you believe there is life on other planets? Yes, at least I hope so. Especially after watching the BBC documentary “Space” AMAZING!!
Do you believe in miracles? Yes I do
Magic? Oh yes
Love at first sight? How could I not!?
God? Yes
Satan? Hmmm… define Satan…
Ghosts? Yes
Santa? Not really, no

IN A GIRL/GUY...

Fav eye colour: BROWN!!
Fav hair colour: I have no preference, oddly enough
Short or long hair: short(ish) for men, whatever for girls
Height: tall, yes I like them very tall, but that's mostly in men though
Weight: doesn’t matter, but I have to admit I am attracted to slender men
Clothing style: I don't like garbage looks and metro sexual clothing on men. *chills*
What attracts you most: Intelligence, a good character, people passionate about things that revolves around history, charms, eloquence, humour, "giddyness", people with passionate personalities, inspiring people, and people who care about the earth

RANDOM

What country would you most like to visit? Italy, England, Spain, Australia ++++
Number Of CD's I Own: Gees, that must be hundreds
Your Good Luck Charm: a tattoo, which is actually of an Icelandic good luck charm.
How many pillows do you sleep with? One, a tempur one.
Do you drink milk? Only when I eat whole grains for breakfast
Do you think God has a gender? God manifests as a he in my head...
Where do you think we go when we die? To an afterlife
How many rings until you answer the phone? 3-4
What is something scientists need to invent? Cures for horrendous diseases
Are you a health freak? Not a freak, but rather trying to eat healthy in a moderate way
Are you a virgin? Yes, my last relationship lasted six years and we waited…
If you could travel into space, where would YOU GO? Oh my God, how exciting! Just to be able to see our beautiful planet from outer space. I'd swoon...
What is the worst weather? When it is raining horizontally
Did you play with Barbies as a child? Oh did I ever? A lot! I had about three million dolls.
How many grades have you failed? None! I am brains on legs…

Californicated

I love the series "Californication". I think it has so much depth to it. Much more than you think when you watch the first episode. It is hardcore, it's raw, it's bare, it's talk about vagina's and dicks, it shows you just how fucked up and shitty life can be and get, it's true and real, it's not polished to look like everybody and everything is just purdy and lovely. They talk about sex in ways that might blow your hat off, but I love that. Rarely have I laughed out loudly whilst watching a series like that, but I do with this. It is bloody brilliant! It is also a show that is highly inspiring to me. It makes me want to write. Let's hope I will be inspired enough to write something really long, preferably a book.

Still doing great. Actually splendid, and today I "discovered" a new band called "Codes". They're a Dublin based alternative/electronic band, and they sound great. They suit me right now. The rhythms suit my mood, the "old/new" me, and they're Irish aren't they?! Dublin; my kind of city. I miss it so much. I can't wait to go there again. God. I watched a clip from a film called "Once" the other day, and it is filmed in Dublin. (see it here; it's an amazing song) Seeing Grafton street, and Stephens Green made me weep. Tears just started running down my cheeks... LOVE Ireland. LOVE Dublin.

Yeah, as I was saying, I am doing bloody great. It feels so good being me right now, that I almost want to explode. I am proud of myself, because I am so strong, so unflinching, so determined and I "only" have eyes on the goal, which is of course a slender...ish body ;-) I am wholly surprised by the force I have, and also glad that it's there. Getting the surgery and the aftermath of all the changes in your body; going almost bald, your taste buds all screwed up (for instance my earlier favourite meat, chicken, now tastes like blood) your none-existing lust for food as a whole, and not to mention all the horrendous aches and pains that derive from a body growing thinner, you surely need your strength. I am truly experiencing life. I cry, I laugh, I feel sad, I feel lonely, but it's all good. It's just part of me, part of my life, and I am not going to eat it away. Instead I embrace it and rest in knowing that it's OK to really feel. Oh, and the scale keeps on showing smaller and smaller numbers by the day. As of today it's down 118 lbs/53,5 kilos. Two more kilos and I will be the same as I was 10,5 years ago when I first met my now ex-girlfriend. Yes! Victory! :-)

In the last year or so a (blog) friend of mine and I have grown even closer than before. We've known each other for 4 years, and it seems that the contact between us is increasing all the time. She is a remarkable person and friend, and I am so grateful for having her in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you Laura. You are my rock, and I love you for ALL that you are!! Isn't it strange just how close it is possible to feel to someone who actually you've never met, and who lives, in this case, in Italy. I actually feel very close to many of my blog friends, despite the fact we've never met either. Love and compassion can definitely grow and prosper via long-distance friendships. Thank God!

Well, signing off whilst listening to "Codes".

Sunshine and love - Monsoon

Bedsharing

There is one thing about relationships that I do not miss; sleeping in the same bed as someone else. I am what you could call anti-social and anti-cuddly when I am about to sleep. I have never ever liked sleeping in the same bedroom as someone else. Can you imagine the school trips and alike? *chills* I am fussy, I hate other peoples sounds in bed; breathing, writhing, tossing, coughing, snoring, sneezing, blowing nose, and teeth grinding. However, there is more to add to the reasons of why I don't like sharing bedroom. I don't like other people:

• hearing MY sounds
• see me twist and turn like there's no tomorrow
• hearing me blow my nose, because there's just that little tiny "thing" in there I can't get out, and it annoys the flipping daylights out of me
• Snoring and gasping for air when I stop breathing in my sleep
• Sniffing nose spray like it's good for me...
• Hearing me talk in my sleep, and I do this A LOT! (just ask my ex, I even have my own language)
• seeing me smearing myself in with a gazillion creams, one of reach body part, (and it is imperative to me that this actually happens in bed; there's no other place it can be done!!)
• seeing me getting up time and time again to try to remove minuscule grains of sand that a normal eye couldn't see, even if their lives depended on it; however, my body feels it, and my eye can see it. (I am the real life Princess and the Pea)
• hearing me cough like I am trying to conjure a hairball the size of a melon
• seeing me clip my toenails in bed, and throw them on the floor to pick up the day after, only to forget... I am disgusting! :-) (I do remove them eventually!)
• hearing me talk to myself and day dreaming and fantasising before drifting into dreamville. And lots more.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not a smidge better myself. I might even be worse. I might even be a living horrendous nightmare to sleep beside. So, I guess I am admitting that I truly feel more sorry for the person who ends up next to me, rather than for myself... I hope that I more than make up for all these nightly terrors in other ways though ;-)

What I can't understand also, is those folks who actually have one big duvet/cover that they share in a tiny bed. Oh dear God, I am serious. How could this be a fact? If my ex brushed against me while sleeping I would first of all wake up, and if it happened before I fell asleep I would feel annoyed because it tickled me. She was the same, so we slept on a BIG bed and on each our own edge... I need my own duvet, as I like to curl it all around my body, around my toes and up with my face. I see in films and TV-series that couples fight over the duvet. Stop it! So silly. There's an easy and beautiful solution to your problem; buy two duvets!

I am very annoyed with blogger at the moment. ALL my comments, well as good as all, have disappeared from my blog. And this has happened for the year 2006, the year I got to know most of my great blog friends. I went back to find out the exact date for the start of my friendship with wonderful Laura, but no comment. Bugger! I am extremely vexed by it. I know I didn't delete anything!! And I was even planning on making my blog a book with comments and all, for me to enjoy in my 80-90s. Grrr...

So, 50 kilos lost. I am doing very well also. I am content! My project is still in its infancy, but very much alive. I hope to one day be the bearer of bloody brilliant news on that subject! I think I am getting more food in as well. Now I only need to really get off my arse to do more exercise. It's hard to get starting, but I have done some in the last week. I love taking walks in the out an about, so why don't I do it more? Good question. Hard answer.

I just need to clarify; I LOVE cuddling and all sorts of intimacy, just not when I am going to sleep. Just so you don't think I am scared of being touched... :-) 

I shall go now. My heart goes out to Elise who lost a very dearly loved uncle recently. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Smothering hugs - Monsoon

Sharing a couple of picture of two recent walks; one by the sea and one in the forest

Cleaning out my closet

Hoist the flag, call the BBC and CNN, hold the front page; for I have blogged twice in ONE week!!! I actually surpass myself here. :-) 

The sun is out, yet it's awfully cold for the end of June. It surely doesn't look like we're getting any nice and warm weather. I'll survive, but I feel sorry for the many Norwegians having worked as crazy for a year, looking forward to a vacation with warm, inspiring and "battery-charging" weather, and then it doesn't happen... 

I so envy my friend Irene and her family. They are on vacation in England now. It sounded like such a terrific and enjoyable vacation. I am, like stated before, quite a big Anglophile, and yet I've never really been there. I've been to the United Kingdom, as I've been in Northern-Ireland, but that's it. If we don't count the airports in London, and we don't. Well at least I've trod on English soil. Seriously, I MUST go there very soon. It's only a short flight for me, so. Plus I have a great Norwegian friend who has emigrated to England (London), and also one dear blogfriend in Scotland as well. Lots to see, lots to do! And, yesterday I took a test on facebook that asked "What is your Euro-persona?", and mine said British, so then it must be true; me and Britain go together really well. ;-) 

I've thrown a lot of useless baggy clothes today, really cleaning out my closet. (If they weren't literally falling apart, I would have given them to the Salvation army for them to sell, but they are brittle...) They look like tents when I put them on now. Make me look fatter than I am, and I don't want that now! It felt almost cathartic to throw them out. Good riddance, bygones, and never again! Just had to share this photo. Even my clothes have been on a diet, apparently. *lol* 

When I laid them down beside each other I could see the difference. The green one was found crumpled in the dresser, so excuse the creased look. Also this one was quite tight when I was at my biggest, and I had to sit in a "yoga position" with the t-shirt like on this picture,

to widen it so that it wouldn't look like a bathing suit on me. (yes, that IS me... I'm acting really silly, I guess it was because I was only just out of bed... I have an inclination to be a bit peculiar, jocular and mad first thing in the morning) The blue one fits just perfectly now. Not too wide nor too tight. Can't wait for that to be too big as well. 

Still feeling upbeat and content, and I intend for things to stay that way for a while. 

Now I am going to tidy while I listen to music and sing out loudly! 

Beam me up baby

It goes up and down in life, doesn't it. I watched a very wise quote on a friend's facebook status today; "This is one moment in your life. It's not going to define who you are". I thought that was a very significant thing to remember, especially for me. I think I many times have defined myself based upon minuscule moments of my life. Like the one decision, one feeling, one thought etc that happened in the fraction of a second. How flipping stupid is that!? I think we can conclude with; very! I will really try to stop being that mean to myself. It is just such a silly thing. Why be my own worst enemy!? I am sure there are enough people out there not giving a shite about me, and I don't think it is wise I should be one of them. Don't you agree?

I have had Rosen therapy today. It is my aunt who is a Rosen therapist. Seriously, it is the best so-called alternative treatment I have ever had. I never thought I'd feel any difference, because I kind of didn't believe in it to be frank. But boy was I wrong, and I admit I was wrong. Over the past two months I haven't had any, because my aunt has moved (just down the road form me) and has been insanely busy with final exams in the Rosen method +++. My whole body has, both physically and emotionally, deteriorated rapidly in those months. So I am really glad that I will be able to have this treatment on a regular basis again. Phew!

But, sometimes one just has to allow oneself to regret certain things. Even if the decisions didn't define me, they certainly impacted my whole life. I regret my choice of profession. I regret not being honest about my inner truths. I regret being a fucking imbecile when I was younger; not following my dreams. I regret being sick of school, and just wanting to work. I regret not moving to do the thing I actually could have managed without too much hassle, and which is also the profession I have wanted for almost the whole duration of my life. When I was barely 6 I sat reading in a historical encyclopaedia at home, (which happened quite frequently according to my mum) and my eyes grew bigger and bigger. I was SO into it. Both my mum and I remember this vividly, as we actually just talked about it the other day. I gazed up on my mum and said these words; "when I grow up I want to be the person who digs after secrets from the olden times down in the ground". Did I make that happen? A resounding noooo is the answer. Oh how I wish I had. Instead I made excuses and shat on the oldest dream I have. I REALLY regret that. If I were a rich person, or came from money, I'd do it now. I'd take those five years and make it true... However, it is too late. It really is. So I have to make the most of being a social worker and make that my new dream. I think I will be a great social worker, I do. Archaeology, arts crafts and history can without a doubt still be a huge part of my life. I have promised myself to look for summer courses and/or similar stuff, on the subjects, and then attend them. I can educate myself also, and I will.

I feel surprisingly upbeat actually. I can't disclose why, or, I won't... I know it is dreadfully bad of me to say that and then not give away more, but this is something I want to keep to myself. For a rare change! Life is looking quite bright right now, and I only hope it will last.

Much love xxx

Messy annoying loving mind

There are a lot of things going on in me at the moment. In my mind, but also in my heart and soul. I am looking for my place on this beautiful earth of ours. To be honest I can't find it!! Everything just feels broken right now. I don't want to get into it all, but I need to just NOT be like this anymore. I have been feeling more and more that Norway isn't the place for me. I feel drawn. Very much so. Drawn towards "better", more exciting places with nicer weather. I don't feel there's anything for me here. I'm not saying that by moving, for a little while, or for good, would make my life perfect, but I am positive it would be better, and that is all I ask. I have loathed winter since I was a kid, I don't like cold weather, and I don't like what the cold weather does to us here in the North.

There's not much I'd miss of my daily life, if I left. Really. If I could convince my family to move with me, I'd move in a jiffy and "never" look back. Many of my best friends don't live close by, and I only see them a few times a year anyway so, and they are all married (except one) and have kids, or kids on the way. Our lives are so different, and I find it harder and harder to relate to their lives. How can I, when I've never had what they have, and I am not sure I even want it. At least they can easier relate to my situation, as some years ago they were there themselves. But I think once you "un-single" yourself there's no way back. Immediately you are a couple, joined at the hips like Siamese twins, and when kids are added to that, the single friend and her/his life feels miles and miles away... I think that the fact of the matter is that we are somehow drifting away from each other. As little as I want that to be true, it just happens when our lives are so far apart. I guess it is just life taking its course... It's not that I don't love them and care about them, and they me, but it feels different, and it feels like drifting, I think... Hard to explain. It is always nice and good to meet up though, when we do.

I have written about it before, but it is Australia that is enticing me with its beauty, wilderness, active outdoorsy lifestyle, weather and vast land. I have always had a soft spot for Aus. Not to mention; I have a profession in need down there and could earn just as much, and yet pay half as much in tax, less rent/mortgage AND much much cheaper food. From what I have seen on several "cost of living" calculators and such, the food is generally more than half that of Norway, and sometimes a third. The three things I eat the most of are: fish, meat and vegetables, and they are the cheapest types of food there. Here they are the most expensive I think. In other words, I could save quite a substantial amount of money by living there. I have found the city/area to which I want to move. It is in South Australia and it is called Adelaide. I would like to live in an up and coming area called Port Adelaide I think. It is still quite cheap, as it isn't THE hippest place. But who cares about hip or not, as long as it isn't a really rough area. It's not like I am hip at all!! This is an aerial photo of Port Adelaide. LOVE all the water canals and the beach also...

















Bob is SO strong at the moment... Grrr... Another thing I want to get way from. I just want to cry, and the lump in my throat has grown all day. I am sad actually, and I feel really lonely for some reason. Thankfully it will go away, and I will be positive again. Since he obviously isn't going to be mine, I want to un-love him. Unfortunately moving to Aus won't help with that, as I can't sell or leave behind my thoughts. I wish I could. Bury them in the garden and never feel it again. Aaah, the peace. But perhaps the distance will help a little? A new life, a new country, a new house, city, people etc, could certainly take my mind off it all. There would be so many new things to get accustomed to that my mind would be filled with that instead.

I don't want to write any more; it's all so negative... Except about Aus; me like. <3

Venting

I've been thinking about guys and relationships a lot lately. Seeing as almost every person I know is married with/without kids or in a relationship. It is not that unusual when you're going on 36, but then why does it feel so unattainable for me? It's just a feeling I have. It's telling me to just get used to the idea of pure singleness in the future and forever. Like the years to come don't hold anything good in that particular department store for me. I met the man of my dreams, yes, he is, 5,5 years ago. He is married though, and it will never happen. I used to call him Bob in this blog, and here I am at it again. Why can't my sad sad heart, soul, body and mind stop seeing, smelling, sensing and hearing him wherever I go? Why can't it just be over? I haven't even seen the damn guy in 4 years. I feel so fucking pathetic. But then I know that when it comes to love, no one is pathetic. We can't really help what the heart wants. Lord knows I've tried my best to push him and his lovely ways put of my body, but for some odd, and totally unexplainable reason, he sticks like bad chewing gum on a sweater. I have had better months and weeks when he wasn't AS apparent, but in the last two months he has resurfaced completely. One night I woke up five times during the night, and every time I had dreamt about him. When the morning came I was exhausted and just lied in bed silently crying because of the pain it gives me to "have to see him" in my dreams, when all I really want to do is to forget... but I can't forget, well, duh, obviously. And that bugs me. It is like a scene from the lovely film "Four wedding and a funeral", when Fiona says something similar to this to Charlie; It's you Charles, it's always been you, and for as long as I like you no one else stands a chance". Yeah, there it is. That is the awful truth. It does not help when people say things like; Oh you'll meet that special one when you least expect it, you'll get over him, you just have to stop thinking about him, he is married, get over it, he is too old for you anyways, he's a granddad for God's sake, I am sure you'll meet someone, there's someone out there for you, just be patient... Like I don't know this? I am not stupid, nor am I ignorant. But I know this; due to him I now know what true, strong and lasting love feel like inside. And I also know that love isn't something that magically goes away with the flick of a switch. I wish it did, but that it not how it works. And it is scary shit I'm telling you. It frightens me every day when I wake up, and his face is the first I see, as his face is all I won't get. Is frightens me that when I think, and dream, about possible future boyfriends all I see is him, because how will I find someone else when he so obviously holds everything inside me still!? Trust me, I have had other boyfriends, and I have always been able to shift them away eventually, so it's not like I haven't tried and succeeded before. I do know how to do it, but this time nothing seems to work. I think he has put a spell on me, just so that I will stay tortured for the remains of my life. *lol*

Nowadays I feel old tired and weary. I hope it will go away. I am not positive. I want to be though.

I know you are probably all sick of Bob, but what can I say? This is me, this is how I feel, and this is me sharing it. 

Some words I threw together: 

In there

In the weeping grass, that’s where I will be
In the eyes of a child, that’s where you will find me
Forever swept into your heart
In the songs you listen to, that’s where I will be
In the hidden secrets, that’s where you will find me
Perpetually entwined between the words they speak
The things they convey in sad lines of ink
In the shouting silence of
words not written, words not spoken, words not thought
That’s where I will be