Lots of things to consider

I am thinking and re-thinking today. Going back and forth, considering, trying to figure out myself and my life.
I am not easy to get, not even for myself. Always have tons of thoughts and ideas in my head that want to get out. But usually I'm not able to get it out... So frustrating.

In 1998 I started to write a book. It's about a teenager girl who finds out that she likes girls. She struggles with her sexuality, and ends up being bisexual. She grows both as a human and a sexual being, and finds that she can be strong in her own deviant sexual ways. It's written in the form of a diary, and has tragedy, humour and those normal ups and down we all have, especially if we are different. I have never tried to send it in to get comments on it. I am too chicken. The book has so much of myself in it, maybe that's why I am reluctant to get it evaluated. I think I'd feel like people were evaluating me and my life... Ah, don't know. Maybe some day. Who knows.

I am going on 32, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Tragic, really it is. But I know what I will be doing; I will be applying to the university of Stavanger. To start there this autumn. I am dreading it, immensely. I am not always very good at meeting people for the first time. I have a sad tendency to hide, and to yield away from people, so that they won't disappoint me. Ever since I got fat this has been my way of protecting myself, so it's difficult not to. But I am trying to teach myself to give others a chance to get to know me, and not judge them as fat-people-haters, who think "oh my god, is the fat contagious?" I have gotten so many comments, and not to mention glances filled with disgust and pity, that I automatically feel the urge to protect myself. I have become much much better though, since attending the school . I have, like I've said before, my place at school. A table with chairs, and I sit there to force myself to be visible, and also vulnerable to "social attacks by fellow students". This has helped me, sooo much I can't begin to explain. I am so grateful for the change. At school students actually do sit down and talk to me, and they are not afraid of my fat. And for those who do find me disgusting, I don't give a bleeding shite about them. I don't need their approval. I am me, no matter what. And I know that most of the time, when people talk to me, and see me relaxed and real, they will find a good girl who is fun to be with.

And at school the reception clerk and I have talked a great deal since she filled in as a maternity leave temp. She is a great woman, and she told me how she perceives me;
As a strong, kind, obliging, smart, caring, funny, intelligent, hard-working, extroverted, smiling, cool and someone who is in total control of things...

Really!?!? Wow. I have to say; I am very happy about that, needless to say... Talked to others about it as well, and as it turns out: Most people don't see me as a BIG FAT LUMP OF INSECURITY. How great is that? *lol*

But, as you all know; self-confidence comes and goes. Some days are better than others. Every now and then I feel attractive and confident. But other days I can feel the most ugly a person could feel like. Incredibly undesirable!! Most days though; I just am.... Simple as that.

In my perfect dreamlife: Bob would be single (god I feel awful for putting that into writing... But I don't really mean it, like literally... I sound so much like a bitch, and really I'm not...) and he wants nothing more than to be with me. I am the woman he always dreamed about... I already find him to be everything I have ever wanted, but then; he is also everything I will never get. How sad is that? But how can I be so certain that he is the one? I just know. Everything inside of me tells me. Funny when at last it happens. Or tragic as it turned out... But at least; now I know what the real thing should feel like, right?

I should do something else now. Have written for some time now.

I am still a bit ill, but I am happy, and looking forward to seeing him again.

Hope you all find yourselves well and happy too!

Hugs Monsoon

Ps. not too happy about the find of the H5N1 virus in Sweden. (we call it birdvirus in Norway)Usually I am never one to worry about this sort of thing. But now when it is found so close to home, I too get a tad worried...

Snow... yes, some...

Yesterday afternoon







Today when I woke up; blue sky and white powder outside...

The view from my bedroom, and the view from my balcony. Well part of it...

Bloody snowing again!

This was taken from my bedroom window just now.





And I thought spring was here. We had such lovely warm weather last week. I am irate! I am not so fond of snow. It looks nice when I am inside, but that's it.

But one good thing today; "Pride and Prejudice", the BBC produced series, starts today. Can't wait!

Also; I started to read "The historian". Seems very exciting and interesting. I wasn't able to read all that much today. I am not feeling too good... when I woke up today I had no voice at all. Hoarse much!?!? Yeah.

Have done some maths as well. Started to do the homework I haven't done yet... Have had serious concentration problems lately.

Well, that's all I have to say, for now at least.

Love - Monsoon - who keeps thinking about him -

Hello sunshine! And boring day...

I have a touch of the flu. I haven't had one for probably 5-6 years. Since I started to take two fish-oil tablets every day I have hardly been ill at all. I am just glad I'm on winter break, so that I don't have to skip school...

I am talking in a very dark, hoarse and kinda sexy voice today. If it wasn't for my hectic red cheeks, sore throat, pounding headache, droopy eyes, and a red nose that's constantly running, I would feel attractive today... Just from the sound of my voice. Weird? Yeah, probably, but I really like dark voices the best. Both in women and men. High pitched voices; not so comfy to listen to... (Luckily my voice is normally quite dark.) Bob has the nicest voice I have ever heard. Hearing him talking... it's soft, dark and oh so sexy. When he laughs. Wow! Shivers down my spine, not joking you!

So today haven't been very productive. But I was able to clean my cabinet shower, but I had to have a break during the cleaning. Weak as I have been...

Delivered the car back to my parents. (I borrow one of their cars every weekend) My dad told me that I wasn't looking so good today. How nice of him to point that out. I already felt unbelievably unattractive, without make-up, and with that whole ill-look going on. Yummy!! Wish Bob could see me now, he would probably be all over me. *lol* Kidding! I wouldn't even be all over me right now...

Winter olympics over. Norway has had the worst games in many years. I am truly disappointed! I haven't even watched everything like I normally would, cause I get so annoyed when they're not winning. I keep reminiscing back to the glory of 1992 , 1994, 1998 and 2002. I shed tons of tears during those Olympics, no doubt. It felt like the Norwegian national anthem was played like on "repeat". Great times! What will be done to improve from this year's games which only gave us 2 gold medals?

About yesterday's blog entry about what "gets me going"; there are millions of other things as well, but I don't want to completely reveal everything about myself, so I'll shut up with the rest of it. I included the ones that aren't too x-rated, of course...

This week I am getting a visit. A girl from my math class, called Silje, is coming to my flat. We are going to do maths together, and of course there will be room for some serious chatting as well. She is really nice, and we have gotten good contact.

I always sit at the same place, and both girls and boys tend to sit down with me. This has been a brilliant way to get to know people... Other students call my place for "Eilen's home" and "the confession table", (cause many feel like pouring their hearts out to me. For some reason I have that effect on people...) That table has gotten me loads of new friends, and I am so happy for that. New friends who are boys as well. Vegar, in particular, is incredibly nice. So funny, lovely and caring! We laugh so much when we're together. Wish Bob could make me laugh, like as a friend, or boyfriend that is. He is seriously funny!! One of the funniest men I have ever met. No doubt!

Well, this is enough for today.

Tired, and it would be wise to go to bed...

Monsoon

No matter what I do....

... he is on my mind, like constantly. I long for him 24-7. Wonderful, sexy, gorgeous being!

Yeah, true true true! But, how was the Chinese take-away yesterday? Well, mine was ok, and I ate most of it. Big drawback was the amount of fat floating in the bottom of the container though. Could not eat that... Disgusting, yuk! Eva's food was terrible, and she couldn't finish it. Tasted like butter. Her immidiate response was this: "maden smakte jo hellvede". Which means that the food tasted like hell. So we are definitely not going back there for more. Nærbø is the best. Glad they're coming back in a two weeks time.

I have been out shopping today. I had ordered "The historian" at Norli bookshop, and it came during the week. So I was able to buy it today. Can't wait to start reading. It's the English pocket version. I wanted to read it in English, since that's the original language of the book.

Earlier today I watched part of U2's Rattle and Hum on DVD. I sat on the floor, in front of the TV, petrified, and completely into it. Exit, With or without you, where the streets have no name... Oh my God. I got really emotional (gee, what a surprise... me? overwhelmed? shocking!) from those songs, and my tears started running. Couldn't hold them back. I sang, "cried", closed my eyes, and totally enjoyed the power of the music. I felt so much alive, happy and powerful.

Have been to dinner at a friend's house. Karin that is. We had steak, broccoli and scallopped potatoes. (not completely sure how to write that... but I know I used to make something called that while in Ireland. It's sliced potatoes with cream and garlic and more) It tasted divine, as usual when Karin cooks.

Read somewhere about what people like to do before having sex. You know, to get in the mood and stuff. So many things were mentioned. Funny ones as well... We are all so different!!
I have a few favourites myself:

1. Almost no foreplay; just straight to the point with passion and ferocity, love it!
2. To give my partner a massage, maybe before, or after, a bath together.
3. To dance closely, while teasing eachother.
Also; music is always most welcome, but it must be suitable for the occasion.

Well, I am so glad this didn't have me thinking about Bob... *lol*

Think I have to go to bed now.

I am really feeling on top of the world these days. Smiling, laughing and enjoying life!

Miss him!

Monsoon :-)

Happy, giddy, in love and tired as hell...

Just home... What a busy day. Came home at 6, ate fish au gratin, and then went with mum to Eva's "happy design" homeparty. It was a nice evening. Yummy apple pie with vanilla ice cream. I am a sucker for Eva's pies. They are delicious!! But as for our Friday Chinese date; the Chinese take-away at Nærbø¸ is closed the following two weeks. It is a true tragedy, but I think we're gonna try the food at Varhaug instead. It better be to my liking.

My cat has a new hobby. She is waiting for me outside when I come home, and when she hears me coming down the road she starts "crying" out loud and running towards me. I think she believes she's a dog. She is so strange. But it is kinda cozy, I have to admit. How can she hear that it's me coming, and not someone else? Don't get it. Do I walk with a certain sound maybe? A heavy one I suppose... *lol* Yesterday she jumped out of my neighbour's hedge, and gave me a fright.

I am listening to Coldplay's song Politik. It's so great! The drums are brilliant.

Bob has taken my breath away this week. He is smashingly handsome. I wonder if he knows how sexy he is? He doesn't strike me as the type who knows... But it's like I never tire from looking at him. I could sit for hours looking at him. He is intriguing, very much so.

Had Spanish mock exam. I got a 5. I am kinda pleased with that, although I would want a 6. Only had one verb mistake, and that's great! My teacher wrote: "You impress with your past tense verb knowledge." Woo hoo! I am still scared absolutely stiff of talking Spanish, and don't ask me why. I have no problems with talking to Elise, my kind and excellent classmate, but when the teacher asks me something my tongue curls up and I am left silent. My friends know that very few thing silences me... So why does my mind feel blank then? It's not like my teacher is scary or anything. He pushes us, but only to the extent that does us good. This is a HUGE problem for me, and I have no idea as of how to rid myself of this. Heelp!

As for maths; i am way way behind, unfortunately. I am striving a lot with these graphs and stuff. I do not get it. But when I tell people that I don't get it, they just tell me: "Ah you always say that, and then when the test comes you end up with a 5 or 6." That is so not true! And anyways, this time I am not joking you. There is a reason to why I am way behind. I am not able to do my homework. I can't nag my teacher all the time either. Fuck it! I am on winter-break next week, so I know how my time off will be spent... Yeah doing bloody graphs and functions.
But I will put some time aside to read the book I am buying on Saturday. It is called "The historian", and it's written by Elizabeth Kostova. Can't wait to start reading it. Sounds really exciting.

It's almost midnight, so I guess I'll have to go to bed.

I am actually quite happy at the moment. Good for me!

Monsoon

Just simply had to share this look....

How amusing it is when you look like this in the morning... Restless night I suppose...

But, I thought I looked really weird, and just had to share it.

Maybe you will have a laugh as well.


Monsoon - all ready to exercise -

A great quote

If you want to win anything - a race, your self, your life - you have to go a little berserk...

Couldn't agree more!