Lots of things to consider

I am thinking and re-thinking today. Going back and forth, considering, trying to figure out myself and my life.
I am not easy to get, not even for myself. Always have tons of thoughts and ideas in my head that want to get out. But usually I'm not able to get it out... So frustrating.

In 1998 I started to write a book. It's about a teenager girl who finds out that she likes girls. She struggles with her sexuality, and ends up being bisexual. She grows both as a human and a sexual being, and finds that she can be strong in her own deviant sexual ways. It's written in the form of a diary, and has tragedy, humour and those normal ups and down we all have, especially if we are different. I have never tried to send it in to get comments on it. I am too chicken. The book has so much of myself in it, maybe that's why I am reluctant to get it evaluated. I think I'd feel like people were evaluating me and my life... Ah, don't know. Maybe some day. Who knows.

I am going on 32, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Tragic, really it is. But I know what I will be doing; I will be applying to the university of Stavanger. To start there this autumn. I am dreading it, immensely. I am not always very good at meeting people for the first time. I have a sad tendency to hide, and to yield away from people, so that they won't disappoint me. Ever since I got fat this has been my way of protecting myself, so it's difficult not to. But I am trying to teach myself to give others a chance to get to know me, and not judge them as fat-people-haters, who think "oh my god, is the fat contagious?" I have gotten so many comments, and not to mention glances filled with disgust and pity, that I automatically feel the urge to protect myself. I have become much much better though, since attending the school . I have, like I've said before, my place at school. A table with chairs, and I sit there to force myself to be visible, and also vulnerable to "social attacks by fellow students". This has helped me, sooo much I can't begin to explain. I am so grateful for the change. At school students actually do sit down and talk to me, and they are not afraid of my fat. And for those who do find me disgusting, I don't give a bleeding shite about them. I don't need their approval. I am me, no matter what. And I know that most of the time, when people talk to me, and see me relaxed and real, they will find a good girl who is fun to be with.

And at school the reception clerk and I have talked a great deal since she filled in as a maternity leave temp. She is a great woman, and she told me how she perceives me;
As a strong, kind, obliging, smart, caring, funny, intelligent, hard-working, extroverted, smiling, cool and someone who is in total control of things...

Really!?!? Wow. I have to say; I am very happy about that, needless to say... Talked to others about it as well, and as it turns out: Most people don't see me as a BIG FAT LUMP OF INSECURITY. How great is that? *lol*

But, as you all know; self-confidence comes and goes. Some days are better than others. Every now and then I feel attractive and confident. But other days I can feel the most ugly a person could feel like. Incredibly undesirable!! Most days though; I just am.... Simple as that.

In my perfect dreamlife: Bob would be single (god I feel awful for putting that into writing... But I don't really mean it, like literally... I sound so much like a bitch, and really I'm not...) and he wants nothing more than to be with me. I am the woman he always dreamed about... I already find him to be everything I have ever wanted, but then; he is also everything I will never get. How sad is that? But how can I be so certain that he is the one? I just know. Everything inside of me tells me. Funny when at last it happens. Or tragic as it turned out... But at least; now I know what the real thing should feel like, right?

I should do something else now. Have written for some time now.

I am still a bit ill, but I am happy, and looking forward to seeing him again.

Hope you all find yourselves well and happy too!

Hugs Monsoon

Ps. not too happy about the find of the H5N1 virus in Sweden. (we call it birdvirus in Norway)Usually I am never one to worry about this sort of thing. But now when it is found so close to home, I too get a tad worried...