Just a little note from the scared little me

Sometimes I am scared of falling in love and starting a new relationship. I seem to think about such things when I feel vulnerable, and I feel vulnerable today. I am scared of it because it is new, fresh, insecure, unsafe and agonising. Also the fright of allowing yourself to love and be loved, wholly. Will I ever dare to go there again? Will I be able to risk falling again, in such a way as I did with Bob? Risk, because it could all fall to pieces. It is so fragile, like a house of cards. The peril of falling for someone not available. It is a risk to allow myself to go there, because I might end up falling for someone who is taken, yet again; who has promised to stay elsewhere until death do them apart. And you have no idea how much that worries me. Actually, just writing about it makes me weep. I can hardly breathe, because I can't bare loving like that again, and not ending up with the chosen one. The one whom you can't describe what it feels like to love, because no words suffice. You just feel it in your whole body that this is it. This is where I want to be, this is who I want to be with, this is H O M E. This is a safe haven, this is my best friend, my lover and the one I can share everything with and not be judged. This is someone who really sees me, and brings out the best in me, and of course vice versa! This is the one who makes me like the person I become, when I am with him/her. I felt all of these things with Bob, and a lot more too, and I still do really. I have plans to try once more to get some sort of closure... I deserve it. It won't happen just yet, and I will tell you more about it as it nears. Anyway; yes, I am one scared little shit. At the same time I am really thankful for meeting him. At least I have wholly loved once in my life, if it never happens again. I know now what to look for, what I need in a person to be more content with someone else than I am alone, and I also know what love should feel like inside. 

History is all it takes

So, Roger Waters performing "The Wall" in Oslo on May 1st. I was sat in fornt of the computer half an hour before the tickets were released, and I got through quite fast. I found GREAT seats, filled in all the credit card information, and pressed next. All great. Then I had to verify my card, and then; TECHNICAL BLEEDIN ERROR! Probably due to huge pressure on the servers. I nearly cried, honest to God! So, although I was one of the first, and had as I saw it, the best seats we could get, I was thrown out of the queue and had to re-enter and this took me over two hours. Luckily my dear friend Vegar phoned me and told me they had put up another show, the day after the original, due to the insane amount of interested people. So we both started to search for available tickets there. In the end I was able to score three tickets, and in seats that aren't too bad. In this picture they are in section 6, and in the third row, which means it isn't that far back!



It is a seated concert, which I think is great really. I can't believe I got them. I had so much trouble with it, and spent nearly 3 hours fighting! YAY! That's something really fecking fantabulous to look forward to!

Well, you all know that I am deadly passionate about history. Actually I'd say I am almost a tad obsessed by how things used to be. Sometimes I find myself wanting to have lived in earlier times, and not to mention; to be able to travel in time. Ultimate dream! Perhaps there are topics that stand out; WW II, Pompeii/Herculaneum and the Vesuvius' eruption in AD 79, The Roman Empire, agricultural history and The Middle ages. In all of history it's the lives of ordinary people that fascinates me the most. What did it look like, how did it smell, the flavours of the time, how much more flowers and vegetation were there, what songs did they sing, what did it feel like to live in a world with no electric lights outside or inside, how did people treat each other in a village, what did the food taste like etc. It's not always the great battles that tell us the most; it's all in the details, I think.

I was just thinking about the Black Death today. Can you imagine such horrors!? Take the French city of Avignon for example, in one year 50% of the population died. In total around 2/3 of the population perished. Within the city walls 8000 houses stood empty. Now, this would have been a huge number even today, when there are a lot more people, so imagine the impact it must have had back then!! It killed around 25 million people in Europe; 25-50 % of the total population. And as usual when tragedy strikes; humans need a scapegoat, and as always the Jews were blamed. And, did you hear about the flagellants? Well, they questioned the authorities of the Church, and to show their disbelief they walked around from city to city, wearing long robes with red crosses on them. They chanted Christian litanies and beat themselves, and others, with whips made of leather and spikes. Blood floated. They were also significant participants in blaming the Jews for the plague. To them, and other Christians, the Jews had to be the most terrible thing. After all, they didn't even believe that the true Messiah was THE Messiah. So, then of course, they had to be blamed, because of their unholy conducts and beliefs. In less than a year ALL the Jews of over 100 European cities were burned alive on huge bonfires. So, Hitler was certainly not the first one to find a "final solution" on this, to them, problem... *chills* It is terrible. And what was the aftermath of it all? People began to question the economic and social order that had prevailed in Europe for hundreds of years; the Black Death was one of the most important reasons for the downfall of feudalism in Europe, and that says a lot. The prestige of the Catholic church was weakened. Even priests/the gentry couldn't protect people from it all, and those who survived became disheartened. Some others turned to devil worship. This in turn led to the beginning of the Renaissance and the modern age. So, yes, the very social, economic, demographic and political structure of Europe was forever altered. One tiny flea, overthrew feudalism and changed the course of history in Europe. 

Well, that was today's little "history lesson". Hehehe...

Monsoon :-) 

The 7th entry

I am, by this post, breaking an almost 3 year old blogging habit. Which one you ask? Well, the one where I don't blog any more than 6 entries in one month. The last time I blogged more than that in a month, was in October 2007! Yikes. I have apparently had mostly around 2-3 entries in these last three years. That's bad that is! I am glad I am at least trying to get into it all again, even though my blog still feels a long way from what I had hoped and planned it would be. You can't control it though, can you really. I mean, you have to write about what's in your heart and mind, and so clearly what's in there in me, are mostly boring and non-fun stuff... Let us hope it will change, and in the meantime; I apologize for all the painstakingly dullness that is yet to come. 

I was at my dear friend Rønnaug's place this Thursday, and we had such a fecking great evening together. We talked about men, and "the old times", but most importantly, we talked about music. We have always had quite similar taste, and we have also always been able to influence and teach each other with newly discovered music. I guess you can say I "gave" her U2, and she "gave" me The Who. We listened to The Who, Kent and Mike Oldfield. We really dug the music with arms and all. I love that. It felt so good and cathartic. We have experienced four fab concerts together; two U2, one Alanis Morissette and one The Who. Good stuff. Also; Roger Waters is coming to Oslo in April next year, performing the legendary "The Wall". Tickets go on sale Monday, and guess who's going? Rønnaug and I, and also another friend of mine who lives in Oslo; Mette. Rønnaug and I will stay at a hotel or something, and make a weekend of it. Blast, I do hope I will be able to score tickets!! They usually sell out in minutes. Fingers crossed. It will be a once in a lifetime opportunity for sure. I mean, just how many years has it been since The Wall was played live!? I think 20 years.

Had my car in for what is called "EU-service", which basically means that some EU standard has to be filled, to be able to drive your car around this place. I guess it's good for safety, but still... annoying. Of course mine didn't get the go-ahead, so have to get it fixed asap. Isn't it funny the way Norway is imposed to follow all the laws and regulations of EU, and we aren't even a full member. OK, so we're a part of it, somehow, due to the EEA, but still... We're not a member, and yet we have all the negative sides of it, and "no" benefits. My point is this; we might as bloody well be a full member, the way things are going... In our last referendum, which was in 1994, I had no doubts and voted no to be a member. These days I am not so sure... Hard one to really foresee the consequences of a full membership, isn't it. I like the idea of being one country, alone, and not some united European nation... I wonder when the next referendum will come.

The partial sea view from my balcony and kitchen window. Just imagine how much sea I would see if all those spruces, on the horizon, weren't blocking my view... You can kind of glimpse the sea behind them.  I want them down!

I will leave you go today with a great quote from Mark Twain: 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

Lovey dovey - Monsoon

One bad one good

Do you know what scares the shite out of me? Industry. Factories. Automatic machinery. The sounds, the machinery, the millions of blinking lights, alarms going off, large and heavy machines moving seemingly uncontrolled... Yikes! SO scary! I could never ever spend time in such a place, let alone work there. I really can't understand that anyone dares to work at such a place. Think of all the accidents waiting to happen. If one guy forgets one tiny thing, or a screw is a little loose, people can plummet do their deaths. I even feel scared watching such industry and factories on TV. Now, that's bad! Haha. I have a similar fright for HUGE bulldozers, cranes, planes, ships, and like the anchors of huge ships, how scary are they? And the humongous pumps/machinery on such huge ships... It must be a living nightmare. Like, if you have seen the film "Titanic" (I guess most of you have...) you might remember that Rose and Jack run through the engine room? When I see that, it is more scary than the whole bloody sinking... To me a perfect horror film would be filled with insanely large electric, oily, pumps, cranes and machines. Dear God! So I guess I really am scared of abnormally large things? Hmmm... Weird really, isn't!? So, here follows a few examples:

 

Now, over to men... Since 1996, around the time I watched the first episode in which Sgt. Brady entered the character list on "A touch of Frost", I have been super weak for the man who plays him; James McKenna. I think he is insanely hot. The other day I sat watching an episode, as I have many of the series on DVD, when suddenly it occurred to me why I find him so darn attractive... He looks A LOT like Bob. You know... the man never forgotten and all that. Especially "live", probably because they have the same body language and facial expressions. I can't understand I haven't made that connection before. Like from when I first started liking Bob in January 2005... Anyway, now it's almost painful to see him in the series. Bugger! Why can't I meet someone who looks quite like that, who is fucking single for a change!?!? *dreaming* My type is seemingly like this; much older than me, and also looks a little older than they are, grey hair, brown eyes, and they seem to have some odd crooked mouth thing going and, and then top that with a great infectious smile, and I am sold. Most women don't fancy these men. My friends usually shudder when I show them pictures of the guys I fancy... Haha! They aren't "pretty" or universally handsome, but to me they are hot. Diversity is a good thing in taste, huh? 

Fright and hot guys, now that's all for today folks! I am off to watch another "Frost" episode, and will surely be drooling all through it... ;-)

Monsoon 

God?

There is no God, a woman said to me at the local kiosk the other day. One can only glance at the world's situation to understand where she's coming from. It can certainly bestow doubt to anyone... However, this comment was made due to something horrible my little municipality and also my village have experienced. Approximately two weeks ago three young men, aged 24, 24 and 31, went to Greenland to fish. Two of them were from my village, and one from a nearby village called Nærbø. They were supposed to come back last Friday, to be picked up by a local man. When they failed to show up, and also weren't on the plane out of there, the man reported them missing, and a huge search was effected. This Monday they found three backpacks. On Tuesday one body was also found, and a provisional "floating device" comprising of sticks, ropes and two air mattresses were found as well. On Wednesday we learned that the body found was one of the Norwegians. His name is Tormod Aniksdal, he was 24 and he was my second cousin. His dad, and my dad, grew up in two houses/farms only around 50 metres from each other. They played a lot together as children and youths. Especially when I was younger I knew Tormod's family very well. One of my best friends, Karin, was Tormod's first cousin, and she grew up so close to him and his 4 siblings; she would almost call them her own siblings. 13 men from around here went on a chartered plane, paid by a local business, to search for the two remaining men. They came home today, and wasn't able to bring him their dear ones. They found their camera too, and the last pictures were taken only two days after the men's arrival... tears have been shed by me, and I am sure by most inhabitants of this little village. I feel so immensely sorry for the families of these men, and I can't even being to comprehend how horrendous it must feel. The uncertainty of what happened. One can just speculate... At least Tormod was found, which is, under these circumstances, better than to not be found at all. Two of the men's girlfriend have a baby coming, and one or two small children at home... Rest in peace all three of you, and you, your families and everyone else who loved you, remain in my prayers and thoughts.

Comparison of my two faces

No text today, just these photos of me; I need to "brag" a little... Proud as I am ;-) This is me at, almost, my biggest, and then today. It's eerie when you put them together like that and really see the difference... Yikes! It's almost unreal to me that I have been SO much bigger. I feel it was another person really. Good riddance I say! 

Click on photos for a bigger version... 

Bargain

One thing really annoys me with this country; the lack of good organic food. Come on! The district in which I live in is the most important agricultural area in Norway, and yet the range of local produce and especially organic food is frighteningly bad. And what you find is so expensive only really rich people can afford to buy it on a regular basis. It's the same with food low in fat too. BBQ sausages with ordinary levels of fat cost around 35 NOK, for 20 sausages, while 10 low fat BBQ sausages cost 58 NOK. Why? "Oh, we remove some fat, and therefore we must triple the price?!" It's like this; the government are worried about the increase in overweight and obese people in this country, especially in children and teens, and yet; healthy things like vegetables, fruit, organic and also low fat products are more than double the price. In the case of the sausages it is tripled. How can low income families afford this, which under the circumstances only can be described as extravaganza? They can't. A store bought readymade pizza, or other readymade dishes are cheap choices, and so of course this is the type of food they buy. They have the choice; buy healthy and then be short on food and other necessities. Or, buy rather unhealthy and have enough for food and more. What would you do? I'd go for the readymade, even though it would kill me to know that my kids had to eat crap. It is a shame that this is the situation in this country. And I get so irate thinking about it. There's many times I can't afford the more expensive stuff either, as I have little money. And every time I am so mad about it that I just have to try not to think about it, otherwise I'd go mental. In addition; the overall choice of variety in grocery shops and stuff is really bad too. To put it into extremes; what's the point of being one of the wealthiest countries in the world when the selection in supermarkets sucks anyway!?

Today I've sat in front of my computer and I've listened to music and sung. I mean, really sung, out loud with all the voice I have. I love it. I've sung songs from the musical "Which Witch", The Who, Codes, The Doors and many more. Who could live without music, I know I couldn't. Music is like a necessity of life. It suits every emotion I feel and every mood that I am in. It's like Pete - Rock God - Townshend said; "Rock won't eliminate your problems, but it will sort of let you dance all over them". So, I say; let's dance! ... and so I did. ;-)

In the weight department I haven't lost a lot in the last two weeks. The reasons for that are several. One of them being that I haven't been as strict with myself as I should be. Apparently my dictatorship is needed, so onwards and upwards, or is that downwards to me, since I want to lose weight!?

I don't have more to say today, so I'll end with a funny excerpt of a short conversation from The Nanny where Mary Ruth have been bugging Mr Anthony and prying into his personal life...

Mr Anthony: So I guess you're one of those women who wants to reach out to people?
Mary Ruth: Yes
Mr Anthony: Fight that!

Love Monsoon :-)

Baby with Barack

So... Weird dream last night. Mind you, it was nice too in a certain sense... I lived for a while in USA, and somehow ended up having a love affair with Barack Obama. It all lasted quite a while, and I ended up pregnant in the end. Since he was still a president I was paid 15 million $ to keep it hush, at least until he wasn't in presidency any more. He was also going to come forward to his wife about the whole thing, but all in good time. He was so nice with us and kept in touch all through the pregnancy, and at last I gave birth to a girl whom I named Tula Belle, after my mum and B himself. *lol* He also kept a lot in touch in the years following. Me, my girl and my dear friend Laura moved to the outskirts of Adelaide in Australia. I had bought a nice house with a private beach and behind the house all the greenery one could wish for. Really secluded, and yet quite near the city. We had a great life there. I'd love for one part of that dream to come true; getting loads of money so that I could buy a house in Aus and Spain etc... ;-) And also for me and Laura to be able to move to Aus and live together as friends in a nice place. One can dream... But, at least that isn't a dream that can never be realised, thank God!

Needless to say I simply HAD to play around with this idea, and this is the result; two versions of Tula Belle as an infant and a toddler... ;-) Teeth looking weird due to the 'morpher' I guess. Some forehead on her though!

So, now I'm 36. Had a good day. Didn't celebrate at all. But that was because I didn't want to. Honestly I didn't feel like sitting and watching everyone else stuffing their faces with gorgeous food and scrumptious cakes, while I eat a slice of dry bread... Slightly exaggerated, but since I have a strict rule to keep to; no sweets/ice-cream/cookies etc until my birthday next year, this is why I chose to not party. I have to face that kind of scenario a lot otherwise, and so since I am not that strong against the sweets yet, I figured why not decide what's best for me, on my own birthday!?! I had my friend Judit and her husband over in the evening though, as they were home for a holiday. During the day I mostly watched The Nanny, danced and sang. I had a great day. I like my solitude. I got tons of birthday wishes though, and I am so thankful for all my beautiful friends!! 

A week and a half ago I met Ciara, the girl I minded as an AU-pair in Ireland. I hadn't seen her since January 2002, when she was 13,5. She was now 22 and had grown into a beautiful, smart, eloquent, funny, interesting and great young woman. We hit it off like it was only yesterday we talked. I picked her up in Stavanger and drove home to my place, and we talked and talked... Like Ciara said;..."it was like a conversation that we just continued..." SO true. Here's a photo of the two of us at my parents. Can't wait to see her again, and also the rest of them of course!


Well, I am doing fine at the moment. A bit restless and anxious about my search for employment. I hope it will sort itself out soon.

Much love, blue sky and sunshine xxx