Just a little note from the scared little me

Sometimes I am scared of falling in love and starting a new relationship. I seem to think about such things when I feel vulnerable, and I feel vulnerable today. I am scared of it because it is new, fresh, insecure, unsafe and agonising. Also the fright of allowing yourself to love and be loved, wholly. Will I ever dare to go there again? Will I be able to risk falling again, in such a way as I did with Bob? Risk, because it could all fall to pieces. It is so fragile, like a house of cards. The peril of falling for someone not available. It is a risk to allow myself to go there, because I might end up falling for someone who is taken, yet again; who has promised to stay elsewhere until death do them apart. And you have no idea how much that worries me. Actually, just writing about it makes me weep. I can hardly breathe, because I can't bare loving like that again, and not ending up with the chosen one. The one whom you can't describe what it feels like to love, because no words suffice. You just feel it in your whole body that this is it. This is where I want to be, this is who I want to be with, this is H O M E. This is a safe haven, this is my best friend, my lover and the one I can share everything with and not be judged. This is someone who really sees me, and brings out the best in me, and of course vice versa! This is the one who makes me like the person I become, when I am with him/her. I felt all of these things with Bob, and a lot more too, and I still do really. I have plans to try once more to get some sort of closure... I deserve it. It won't happen just yet, and I will tell you more about it as it nears. Anyway; yes, I am one scared little shit. At the same time I am really thankful for meeting him. At least I have wholly loved once in my life, if it never happens again. I know now what to look for, what I need in a person to be more content with someone else than I am alone, and I also know what love should feel like inside.