It's been a bit rough after that whole "D-day". You know, when I saw him and all that. I just love him, and need him, it's just that simple really. Or, difficult as it happens... I am not depressed or anything like that. I'm just sad. Thoroughly so. It feels like he is engraved into my corneas, as I "see" him all the bloody time. Gosh! We both LOVE The Who, and sometimes when I listen to them, and get totally into the music, I feel like he is there, breathing in my neck, enjoying the music with me. He feels near, I guess. And so, sometimes I can't bear to listen to them, because it just reminds me again and again. It's all like a cut that keeps being ripped open and left bare and sore. So, of course that is why I must try even more to get it all on a distance, and I have plans to execute in order to give it another try. Not just quite yet though, for reasons I won't get into. God knows, I've talked a lot about him in this blog. Enough for now.
I'm still loosing weight, of course. I mean, it was the whole object of going through with the surgery and that so... I am happy with the result so far. I've lost 64 kilos. (lbs 140,8) It's a whole person! I am also feeling really good about myself lately, and better by the day. Never mind the negatives surrounding it, I just don't notice them anymore. Nothing can get me that down. It's just the freedom of being able to move so freely. I can sit in ways I haven't been able to in years and years. I can walk, stand, sleep in many varieties. Before the surgery I made a list over things I couldn't do, for either physical or emotional reasons. I won't write them here; the list is long, and also because some of them are too personal and even of a sexual matter... ;-) So let's just say I can do many many of them now, and it is liberty. It's like I've been confined to one room, and now am able to roam freely wherever and however I want and need. There are still a few things I can't do, physically, but I'll get there soon enough. "Stand back and watch me shine" Rachel Fuller cleverly sings, and that is actually how I feel now. Just watch me come to life again, watch me reclaim my body and soul, the true me, watch me truly live life, embracing it, and just loving and appreciating everything it holds. It's good to be so positive, when just a year ago it was so much darker to be me in this judgmental and prejudiced world.
My mum is having back surgery this Thursday, and I am scared for her. Please pray for her! She will also have to undergo another hip replacement surgery, because her left hip (which is artificial) is worn out. She was born with something called hip joint dysplasia, and has lived her whole life in constant pain. Now, she has trouble even going out to get the mail and do normal chores. I don't know how she does it, and still keeps herself sane. She is my hero.
Well, it's way past midnight, so off to bed, or something... ;-)
Love and light - Monsoon -
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