Big scary day tomorrow!

HEEELP!!!

Final exam in mathematics tomorrow. Dreading it, me? No... Not at all. Kidding! I find it very vexing to be honest. I feel like running away and hiding, but there's no use in that, so I will have to stick it out. God! My stomach hurts. What if I sit there tomorrow and my mind goes blank? What will I do? I think I will have to tell myself that it's ok. I don't have to ace it, I don't have to get a 5 either. So what if I don't... I know that I have reached a level in math I never thought possible, so I am proud of myself no matter what. I have worked hard, throughout the whole year, or should I say 7 months, so I am sure I will be fine.

I hate spiders. They disgust me nonstop with their creepy way of behaving. They run so fast, eeek! I was lying on my sofa watching TV one night, and suddenly I noticed something huge and black on the wall. Was it a rat? A mouse? Oh no, it was a buggery bollix spider! I said out loud; "sooo... you're standing there are you, I am afraid I'm going to have to kill you"... Typical of me to talk to the spider, I think I do it to calm me down. I went out and got a shoe and I squeezed the huge bastard. Double and triple yuk! The sound it made... crunching... Shivers down my spine for sure! Spiders are the only insects and creepy thingys that I am afraid of. Rodents like rats, mice, gerbils, whatever, I don't mind them at all. In fact I find them cute. Used to have gerbils, named Athina, Britt, Edina and Patsy. Too cute for words.

I miss him. So much that I can feel it in my whole body and mind. I need him. But enough about that.

Thank you so much to you who left comments on my "dark blog entry" from a few days ago. It's nice to get uplifted!! And I know that it will turn around, some day. It's just such a sorrow right now, I can't help it!

I had Malin on a visit today. I started to "mind" her in 1997, and when I moved to Oslo my mum took over as her minder once a week. We mind her because her dad is a lone parent, so he needs some relief. So I've known her for 9 years, and she is 12 now. Great and beautiful girl. She comes down to me every Tuesday as my mum cooks dinner. We talk, play "The Sims" on the computer, and just enjoy being together. This is Malin when she was 11. Took the picture with my mobile phone, so the quality isn't the best...





I think my mind is too busy to find anything interesting to write about, so I will leave you go until tomorrow. I hope I will be able to bring fabulous news!

Love and hugs from Monsoon ;-)

Mood, such a complex thing

I have been in a better mood today, a bit at least. Probably because I have surrounded myself with people. I was at my parents first, then Eva's, and I just came home from Karin now. My parents are going to redecorate their living room. About fecking time, if you ask me. The carpet has been begging to be replaced since the Middle Ages, and needless to say; time has taken its toll on it. I have been suggesting nice colours to paint the walls today. To my big surprise my mum weren't alien from my ideas. But the curtains are staying. The queen has spoken... "The day I find curtians that I love, I will replace the ones we have, not before, so stop nagging me." - quote mum. She barely dares to clean them, she is afraid they will be too fragile to endure the trip in the washingmachine. *laughing* Mum is one strange, stubborn and difficult lady sometimes. Hmm... Am I just like her I wonder!? No, not in that particular way, because I am not conservative. She doesn't have a dishwasher, can't stand computers and refuses to learn how to use them, and we were the last ones to get a microwave.

Tomorrow I will be totally stressed out. I will be languishing while yearning to eat sweets. I am like a drug addict, I really am. I get headaches and I become extremely irate. But I will have to live through it, in order to bring myself into the right track again. Nothing good comes from eating sweets. It doesn't do me any good, only more pain. My face becomes spotty and bloated, and my body swollen. I know that this time won't be as hard as before, because I haven't sunk nearly as deep as I used to, thanks be to God! Plus, I haven't gained weight either. Puh!

Getting in tune... Fantastic song! Just had to say, because it was playing on my Windows media player just now...

One more, rainy, day, (great song as well actually...) and then it's final exam. Oh, I am not nervous at all. Nooooooh.... I am cool, have everything under control and feel on top of the world. Yup, that's me!

Yuk, Shira jumped onto my "boob-area", and left a snail there. She has a gift that cat, you know to bring me small little treasures like that snail. It's probably her way of saying she loves me, seeing she can't talk...

I don’t want to, anymore


How long is this going to be?
This state of mind, this absence
How did it start, yes; how? how?
On a winter morning, when I first saw you
A revolution, I will never forget

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don’t want to love you any more

How ardently I adore you
Your passion, all that is you, always,
When you are around, I see you
No escaping the intensity in those brown eyes
Such a revolution, every time

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don’t want to love you any more

How your presence strengthens me
and yet also shatters me
Your words make me wiser, I want to learn
How you give me nothing and yet everything
There is no reality, there is no you and me

How one look can suffice, and create certainty
Through you, I see life
No words needed, I understand anyway
How can I go on searching for it?
When you have showed me perfection

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you
But I don’t want to love you any more


I am now going to sit back and listen to The Who loudly, play imaginary drums, guitar and base, and sing. Love it! *lol* I love the fact that Bob also likes them, with a passion I'm sure. But at the same time it's a bit annoying because every time I hear The Who I think about him, and probably will continue to do so after I am supposed to get over him... Ah well...

I am a bit more content now. After seeing the news, and seeing and hearing about the situation in Darfur I should be ashamed of myself for complaining about my situation. It's almost incomprehensible, too much to take in without going crazy and numb... Terrible, terrible...

Hugs from Monsoon ;-)

This is what I want

I took this picture just outside my front door while living at Bekkelaget in Oslo. I looked outside and saw this fantastic sky and clouds, and ran to find my camera to capture it. The lamp post kinda destroys the picture, but the colours are still strong and fabulous!
Wish my life was like a bit like this picture; dramatic, colourful and intriguing. But, life isn't picture perfect. Life is nothing like perfection. It's filled with ups and downs, struggles, pain, but luckily some happiness and good times too.

New shocker today. Logged into www.gaysir.no to check my account to see if I had gotten any messages. There is this feature in there that you can use to be "in the spotlight", you know to highlight yourself. Today my ex was featured there, and together with her picture a text where she proposed to her new girlfriend. I just sat there, petrified staring at the text, and then I started to laugh. I have to say I find it odd. Later on, just now, her girlfriend had answered in there, and she said yes. Good for them. I just hope it turns out well for them. But at the same time: sod off! I am jealous, but not beacuse I want my ex. I am jealous because I love someone I can't have.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah well, somewhere over the rainbow I too will find someone who fancies me back, or will I?! What if I don't? What if there is something completely unloveable about me? Too scary a thought to let myself ponder upon it. Do not go there!

Darkened out these days. It's all due to one fact. One terrible and horrendous fact. In a month's time I will most likely never see Bob again. I know that in the long run that is the best thing that can happen. I mean he will never love me, so I might as well get over him, right. But the very thought of it pains me more than I am able to describe.
At the same time it's pissing down with rain, I feel a bit lonely, I have PMS, my flat needs to be tidied (blargh!) and I am eating sweets and being weak and disgusting. (stress related due to Bob and exams) I hate the way I am behaving right now. Selfpity. Yuk! It is vile, and I don't want to be that "me". I promise I will get up off my fat huge arse tomorrow and exercise, and stop eating out of control. If I want my life to be the way Bob has "showed" me, I will have to get a grip. Try to hold on to that feeling, the strength he "gave" me, and so on. I must believe in myself and also never forget that I am worth it.

Why am I worth it? Because I want to participate in life. Really enjoy living. I mean truly enjoy it. I am sick of feeling like I am merely observing everybody else's lives, like from a sideline. Seize the day you silly twat, and make the most of it.

Monsoon

Spotty, speechless and useless

Well well well. Just got back from Hege's. Nice evening. I have been very social today. Got up at 11, put my computer on, got dressed (yes in that order), sat by the computer surfing and checking stuff, and then Rønnaug rang to ask if she could call to my house. She came, and later on that day Eva came down as well. Great day! They went on the 7 train to Varhaug and Ganddal. I fixed myself and went to Hege, and here I am now.

I have had a very mixed week. Some days have been brilliant, others have been directly "shitey". Yesterday I was at school trying to do maths, but I found out after a few hours that I might as well go home. Could not concentrate... I am dreading this exam so much that my stomach hurts. In addition I am totally and utterly stressed out because of it. I have never been like this over an exam before. The math exam course I went to Tuesday and Wednesday were very helpful though, glad I went. Please God, let me be able to manage coming Wednesday.

Thursday I woke up needing to go to the loo. Just outside my bedroom door I nearly stepped in vomit. Shira had left me a huge pile of "good morning to ya" on the carpet. Aaahh, how lovely. How thoughtful of her to start my day off in that particular way. How did she know that that was just what I needed? Uncanny. So there I was, down on all four in the nude (yeah, no time to get dressed you know... *lol*) rubbing the spot, and swearing at the cat. It must have been quite a sight. Glad no one could see me.

On top of this I am feeling bloated, fat and ugly as hell these days. Every day is bad hair day. Every day is bad skin day. Spots are popping out like I'm a teenager, and everything feels "yukky". Dissatisfied much? Feeling useless, unintelligent, silly, lazy and boring. As usual when I am darkened out like this it's that time of the month. PMS city, big time.

Also; I have lost every ability to speak whenever Bob is nearby. Every word I say in his presence comes out sounding so stupid that I should get paid for the usage of incomprehensibly brainless words and sentences. I just have to laugh at myself, cause if there's something I am never out of it's words. But somehow I turn almost silent, and if I speak only dim-witted words come out of my mouth.

Oh, I am listening to the song "such a rush" by Coldplay. It is soooo fabulous.... Especially the part where there is desperation in the music, at the end of the song. It's kinda like you feel like closing your eyes, lifting your arms and dancing, letting the music carry you high high high!!!! I LOVE THAT!

I guess I should go to bed. My lovely bed. Somtimes going to bed is the best thing in the whole world. Getting undressed and slipping in between the covers. It's soft and warm and cuddly, and I want to bury my head in my pillow. I guess that is why my hair looks disastrous every morning. The back of my head looks like it's been back-combed for ages, frizzy and funny looking. I am such a hilarious sight in the morning. Also, according to my ex I talk a different language in the morning, or after having a nap during the day. I am always half awake, half asleep then. To me the words were perfectly fine sounding, but to her it was like hearing some sort of African tribe language. After 5 years she was able to understand some of it, don't ask me how. I talk in my sleep as well. A great deal. My ex has interviewed me several times, trying to dig out some dark secrets. (I am glad she didn't do that to me last year when I first got the crush on Bob...) She never found out anything interesting. Is that a bit sad actually? If you're boring in your sleep , how boring are you then in real life, eh?!? *lol*

Going to bed, not being interrogated by anyone...

Monsoon :-)

Tedious, sooo tedious....

I have been ages at school today. Wow! Did a lot of math, and still I am freaking out. Less than a week until my final exam in maths. God help me! I don't want to. I am so afraid of disappointing myself and a whole bunch of people I know, who have high expectations of me. What if I just "forget" the whole thing? I am so scared of it that I will probably just sit there knowing fuck all, having left my brain at the train station at Vigrestad. Or maybe the taxi driver stole it? Yes, he saw what brilliant brain I had, practically a professor's, og maybe a member of Mensa's, so he had to have it. Buggery bollix to me, being childish and silly.

I have written back and forth a little bit with my ex today, on e-mail. As it turns out she and her new girlfriend are purchasing a flat. Such a rush... Have been together for 5 months only. Ah well. At least I don't choke at the thought of her anymore. I can see pictures of her and not care. Glad she has found someone, I really am.

My feelings are pretty pre-occupied by a certain someone anyway. No room for anyone else. Nooo, really? Gee I haven't noticed!!

I am wrecked, and I cried today. A bit sad, but what can I do? There is nothing to do, so I will just have to wait for it to pass. I just yearn so much for him. I want to hold him against me, just to be near him for maybe 5 seconds. I am dying to!! I like his hands. They are nice, very nice indeed. And his smile... Oh for fuck's sake, kill me. If there ever was a sexy smile, he has it. But he isn't just good looking, there is so much more... Sadly.

I have 15 GB with music on my computer. Not a lot actually, but more than I had a couple of months ago. I will have to get more. Music is the most important thing in my life, except people that is. Enough about that. I write about music all the time, so I won't today.

I am exceedingly tedious. So to be a bit on the silly side again I am posting a picture of me and a friend. We were a little bit under the influence, and were just "showing off" for the photographer by making out. This was two years before I had any idea I liked girls...



I am the one on the left, whose face is barely visible.


I have to say, daft as it might sound, that I like this picture. I always have. There's just something about it. to me...




Leaving you with a sentence of wisdom from a film called "Now and then":
Things will happen to you in life that you can't stop. But that is no reason to shut out the world.

Monsoon ; -)

Beauty, Amercian beauty that is

Yes, I just finished watching American Beauty. It is so true... there is beauty everywhere, if we just take the time to look. So many times it's right in front of us. Bleeding great film I think. Made me cry. Unabashadly crying, so now I look terrible.

Have had some alcohol... I am so bad! It's aTuesday, but I just felt like it. Haven't had any since New yeras Eve... And so since I am very cheap when it comes to alcohol, meaning I get woozy on very littel alcohol, I am now woozy, big time... hihi... I apologize for horrible bad spellings, bad grammar and also extremely emotional writing, in advance. *lol*

I love that film. It is an eye-opener in many ways I think. The way he wakes up after being in an emotional and sexual coma for years... That's just what I felt like when I met Bob. It was like I had been dead inside, well almost. At least I hadn't felt truly alive in many years. But when I first saw Bob, it was like this moment of clarity, I will never forget it for as long as I live. It was like for the first time I could see my future, the way I would want it to be. Through him, if you know what I mean. I woke up. My emotions and my sexuality woke up, big time!

He stood there with his gorgeous being, tall body, big brown eyes and calming voice, and without talking to me directly, he "told me", you are worth something, you mean something, you can be who and what you want. He never said this, he didn't have to. I just felt it... Weird. I don't even know of he thinks so... Funny isn't it. But fucking bad too. Bad, really really bad. I think he is the most amazing, interesting, funny, intelligent, well spoken, passionate and fantastic human being I have ever laid my eyes on, and yet: I can never have him. If I could just touch him once, at least his face...

My body feels numb. And I feel slow, my fingers move slowly, can they find the right letters on the keyboard? My eyes are heavy, my mouth and tongue react slowly, and my body is tingly. I feel warm, and I am in a sexy mood... Every time I drink... *lol* I would like to..... Ok I am gonna stop myself right there, I shouldn't wwrite anything more on that, cause I can't "tell all"... I am way too open. Shut me up!

Aaarghh! I am so mad at my fat useless body. My fucking bad hip in particular. My super duper friend Rønnaug asked me today to go with her to a Roger Waters concert in Stavanger, and the ticket would be a Birthday present from her. I would have absolutely loved to go, cause I really like him. But she only had standing tickets, and my bloody bad body can't stand for that long. My hip would kill me. So therefore I detest my body today. Why couldn't I have been thin and also not have a hip problem. (my hip problem isn't a weight related issue, I got it at 14...) I want to go to this concert. I haven't been to a live thing since I was at Britney Spears in 2000. that is 6 years, and I LOVE concerts, and music!! I could never live without music. It's the best food/nourish for my soul.

It's now soon 12, and I should be off to bed. Am having an early start tomorrow, with a math exam xourse, I mean course. But I have so many things I want to do first. Night is the best. I love it. I tihnk I am gonna go out on my balcony and sit topless in the rain. I love the feeling of the wet rain on my body. No one can see me out there so don't worry; I won't give someone a heart attack from seeing me topless. *lol* Or is it too cold? Probably.

But seeing I am in this state I think I will have to make myself stop, so that I don't write sometinh i will totally regret tomorrow.

Woohoo... I like Bob, I do. He is everything, and I think my heart is about to cave in from all the feelings I have for him.

Monsoon - who can't be bothered to correct what she has written, and who talks of herself in third person... bollix.

HAPPY 56th BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD, EGIL!
Love you daddy!! You are the best!

- My dad when he was a bit younger. He doesn't have a beard and mustache anymore.



Yes, today is my dads birthday, so I have been home for a wonderful dinner, followed by cakes later on. My mum's parents came too. They are kinda like my dad's also, cause his mum died when he was 28, and his daddy has never really been in his life. They met for the first time when dad was 40. Long story... I am such a bad daughter though. He didn't even get a present. But that's beacuse my parents say that they don't want any now, since I have so little money. The only thing he got was a long hug, which he loves because he says I have the softest hugs ever... *lol*. Instead he had bought me a Bluetooth device for my computer, to be able to communicate with my mobile phone. Great!

I went to Karin afterwards. Good talking to her. She was a bit shocked to see me dressed up, wearing high heels and all... *lol* She is not used to seeing me like that.

I am so tired today. I haven't slept that well lately. I guess it's because I have exams coming up, and I am scared stiff of it. Think I will have to stop pressuring myself so hard, otherwise I will die of stress. No, but I will definitely end up with black marks under my eyes due to sleep deprevation. Which isn't attractive...

Talking about attractive. There's something I don't feel like at the moment. I feel uttermost unsightly these days. Due to stress I am so not loosing weight, and that doesn't help my confidence either. I need to lose a lot of weight, and I need to do so now. I wish I was able to buy a new body from a mailorder company and get a "next-day-delivery" at the door. Then I could put my new body on, and buy new stylish clothes. Oooooh, dream... can't I?! I would kill to be able to wear anything else than those gastly, boring, far too casual T-shirts I have worn for the past 3 years. The very sight of them has me sick, and I want to burn them in my garden.

I have a very different taste in clothes than the style I am forced to wear due to my size. SO ANNOYING! I never feel truly well going to school, or any place. So sick of it. I am desperate! I wish I could wear black quite formal looking trousers, with a nice shirt to it. I love shirts, and wearing them makes me feel great. Also shirts are hot, yes I remember the time I saw Bob with a black shirt, without any jumper on top of it. He looked so over-sexy that I started to drool when I saw him. *lol* God, I am so stupid! But luckily for him he could wear a bag and he would still be eye-catching.

It is soon 11, so I think I will turn off my computer and go to bed. But first I need to do something else.

Monsoon

Celebrities and the deep space...

Famous people. They are indeed uncanny sometimes, I must say. Such a strong need to be different and out of the ordinary. But why risk your childrens health for the cause? Came upon some examples of really horrible names. Well not all are horrible, but very weird at least.

Here are some examples of names of famous people's children:

Shannyn Sossamon: Audio Science, who is a boy.
Jason Lee: Pilot Inspektor
Rachel Griffins: Banjo (girl)
Helen Hunt: Daughter named Makena`lei, after some place on Hawaii
Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim: Kal-El, after «Superman» (and it’s a girl, God that is terrible!)
Jamie Oliver and Jools: Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo. (Poppy Honey sounds like the name of a sextoy more than a name for a cute girl… Poor child!)

Michael Jackson’s: Prince Michael, Prince Michael II, and Paris. (does Michael love himself? Noo… you think!?!)

Angelina Jolie: Maddox and Zahara.
Bob Geldof’s adopted girl: Heavenly Hirani Tigerlily, while her three half sisters bare the names of Peaches Honeyblossom, Pixie and Fifi Trixibelle.

Frank Zappa’s kids: Moon Unit og Dweezil.

So as you see, ordinary names are for ordinary people… Ponder upon these names if you are thinking of having a child:

Guitar, Star System, Carrot, Galaxy Agent, Flight Controller, Darth Vader, Vanity Fairy, Skudakumoochooowte (meaning the spirits road), Louisiana, Ballerina Girl, or perhaps Drilling Supervisor would be nice?

I have found out the name I would give my child if I were going to have one. Here it is:
Elika Creative Tab Turnip Guyana Alohomora Sweet Pea.

Strange? Well, to be honest I am just trying to fit in. Bizarre names are totally in...
So let me explain my choices.

Elika is from the Bible, and it means Pelican of God
Creative, my Mp3 Player is this brand, and I love it and am addicted to it too.
Tab, is merely my favourite drink
Turnip, I mean if Chris Martin and Gwyneth can call their child Apple, why not Turnip?
Guyana is a country, which I’m sure is nice
Alohomora is a charm from Harry Potter, used to open locked doors
Sweet Pea is just a “cosy name”, which is also very in…

So there you are. My girl would be sooo pleased with this name I’m sure. Lucky for this possible child: I don’t want kids… *lol*

Yesterday my brother came down to visit. Lovely to see him!! Tor Egil, which is his name, moved back from Bergen this week. Tor Egil was just 26. It makes me feel "old", because he is my baby brother, and yet he is no baby anymore, that's for sure! He is my computer guru, so I am glad he now lives closer to me. We are both a bit "geeky" when it comes to computers.. *lol*. It's hereditary; my dad had a computer already when I was a very small child.

He came around ten, and he didn't go home before 3 am. In that time we had discussed religion, love, history, space, sex, drugs, the global warming, polar icecaps and the possibility of a new "mini ice age", ourselves, ignorant people, the things that we find wrong with the Norwegian society (which are a lot of things), music, men/women, politics, and even more space related topics. We are both highly interested and intrigued with space, planets and the exploring of the universe. I mean, where do we search next? There is no "new world" to discover on this planet, so... Human beings have always wanted to discover new places, and in that gotten needed wisdom. We need to search, to expand our horizons, and to find out what's beyond where we can't comprehend. In order to do so, where will we have to go? Upwards I think. How exciting! Can't wait to see what happens.

Enough babble for one day. I am going to see if there is anything good on TV.

But I have to say this though: I am really really in love with Bob, and he is on my mind constantly. Not that you didn't know that already... HAHA!!

Love and hugs from Monsoon :-)

Ps. I am scared stiff of going to University. What if I am not intelligent enough to make it. What if I can't understand what I'm supposed to. Dreading it big time, but will have to try to have confidence. Plus I am so afraid I will disappoint people if I fail to get a 5 in maths... Not to mention myself. Aaargghh. Heelp!