Is there life?

Woo hoo… *lol* This has been a dreary day, and not to mention hungry day. ME WANT REAL FOOD! *drooling and practically dying in front of the fridge* (ever so slightly exaggerated!?) This diet thing makes my seriously mental in the head, already… *lol* I am in Headache City and Psycho Ville! In addition; so hungry it hurts.

"My” coacher doesn’t answer my mails, so I am not sure whether to stay on this thing or not. Firstly he hasn’t told me how much to eat, how frequent, what to eat together with what, and so on, so how will I know? Secondly I am basically only doing it to get those two free sessions to give to my friend. But now I am starting to think that there’s something not right. I can’t be bothered to live like a rabbit for ten consecutive days without that “prize”, no way. I will of course eat healthy, and I mean really healthy. Not semi-healthy like the past 2, 5 months. I would like to be able to allow myself to eat some bread and meat though. Wait what was that? Ooh. It was the chicken filets calling me from the freezer. They want me to eat them. God! I am such a freak! If I can’t live one day without meat, what’s to become of me? I am smiling cause I find myself amusing right now. Like I have never gone one day without meat before. Of course I have. Jainey, it just seems so much worse today. It must be the mix of the lack of meat, Tab, bread and carbs in general. Yeah… I am “de-carbodrated”

Only good things about today have been Malin’s visit, and the Msn chat with dear Irene. And music, let’s not forget music! Always a treat! Which reminds me; I have been wanting to post this lovely picture of the “In The Attic” gang. Aaawh… Aren’t they cute?


It is Rachel Fuller with her beloved Pete (who can blame her?), Pete’s brother Simon Townsend, and in the back is fabulous Mike Cuthbert. It is Rachel and Mikey’s show, but both Pete and Simon appear quite frequent too, either as musicians or technicians…

*chicken filets, salmon filets, chicken mince, steaks*

Also according to some feminists this is porn:

I have one question for you guys: Have you ever, I mean ever, watched pornographic pictures or films? Apparently not, because that doesn’t look like this at all. I can assure you! This to me shows one women in her very nice underwear. Nothing more. She doesn’t spread her legs or put a finger in her mouth and suck it while looking at “you” with lust in her eyes… She just sits and stands around her apartment wearing underwear. Yes, I can see where you find that pornographic. If “Hennes and Maurits” or H&M, is to advertise their knickers and bras, how do you suggest they do it? With trousers and sweaters hiding what’s underneath? I am exceptionally sick and tired of these know-it-alls that apparently have nothing to do with their time, except dig up so-called problems and complain about them. I don’t agree with you, not at all.

Monsoon

B..

This is a very long, strange and silly post

What have you done to make yourself proud today...

… A question raised in a TV programme I watched. I felt as if they asked me this. It kind of hit home, if you know what I mean. So I asked myself that very same question, and came to the horrible realization that; nothing.
- Nothing was my answer. If that isn’t dreadfully sad then I don’t know what is. To be 32, a seemingly intelligent girl, and sitting here wasting her life not feeling proud of fucking anything she does. Ok, I admit I do things that I am proud of, for others, but nothing for me. I am so not looking out for number one. I just live in this semi-healthy-life which just keeps me on the same weight, and which also kills my true spirit by the minute.

I am not all I can be. The Monsoon you see isn’t what I truly like being. The real me has much more true confidence, always smiling, great spirit, she is content, social and loves to meet new people. I am a shadow of what I have aspirations and possibilities of being. It makes me sick. So sick I want to scream out loud and smack my head. Get a grip you silly twat! Bob released the true me, so I was able to enjoy 1, 5 years of freedom. He opened my eyes in a way, so that I could see myself from the outside, and to see that I was worth making an effort for. Now that I don’t have that, it’s hard. I tend to judge and put myself down. Nevertheless; truth be spoken; he isn’t here anymore. He never will be. His heart, mind and body belong to someone else. So I will have to get a grip and find the spark within. I am so tired of this fight with myself, as that’s what this feels like. It wears me out.

I have had it with this behaviour, and so I will start that challenge thing my coacher gave me, tomorrow. It is gonna take all my energy, but I will conquer this!
Things in my student life are hard for me, and that doesn’t exactly help with the whole eating thing. I don’t want to say anything more about it, other than what I hope for, which is being able to say this, and mean it: "To hell" with all you prejudiced and stuck up people.

Despite the “sadness” of this post I feel determined and strong today. I believe in me, who I want to be, and how I want to be perceived. I will go and “bake” the life I want for myself. I know one ingredient that forever will be missing, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have the good life I want. I just need a replacement, like in baking… One replaces the expensive and magnificent saffron with the similar, yet not so exclusive, turmeric. *lol* It might take an insane amount of time and effort, but it must be possible. Why must he feel so important to me? Heck! But as for Bob; I have decided one thing. I have to go on, live, breathe, think, learn, and just be, while he “runs” around in my mind and soul at all times. If it isn’t meant to be, the love will fade some time. (I hope!!) I can’t force myself not to love him. Doesn’t work like that. Love isn’t a button you can press ON or OFF on. I care so much for this man that I could burst. Not to mention physical attraction... Dear God! Probably sound really cliché and silly. True it is though…

Vegar is beeping me on Msn… After: That was a very refreshing conversation indeed!! ;-)

I leave today with hope and determination of an important and big change food wise. This is it.

Monsoon :-)

Wintertime love

Ok, I am just really exasperated right now. I had written quite a long blog entry, and then the phone rang. We got talking, Audhild and I, and in the middle of the conversation I for some reason pressed a key on my computer by mistake. It asked me did I want to save, and since I was in phone-land I pressed no. Then I thought to myself; do you realize what you’ve done!? It was gone! For crying out loud you stupid gin-swilling #/&%*!! … Yes, I do have a tendency to become very mad at myself when acting like a total thick “eejit”…

Anywhoooo… Agnete and I have been to visit Rønnaug, Tommy and their new baby Andreas. It was so great to see them. Andreas was totally cute, and so quiet. Rønnaug’s dad, also named Andreas, was there too. It was terrific to see him, as he is such a great guy. We had an awfully nice time. Agnete and I also got to talk a lot in the car back and forth, which was fab. I can’t wait for Christmas to come. Because then all my friends who live away come home. Most of them. We have been a “gang” for 16 years, and the “we” consist of me, Rønnaug, Agnete, Møyfrid, Judit, Oddbjørg, Irene, Janne and Helene. I love my girls!
Here he is in his cradle by the way.

As you all know I live in Norway. A fairly cold country, especially during winter. I hardly believed my eyes when I two days ago found a rose on my balcony. Seriously; we’re talking midst of November here. It’s not supposed to be roses growing this time of year. How weird. I took a picture of it. However; I am not complaining as I am not particularly fond of snow. Not down here. In the mountains it’s ok, down here, not so much. There is mainly one reason for that: I am scared, beyond stiff, of falling. No wonder eh, as you can imagine the sound and the look of three tons of women falling to the ground. What spectacle! I am pretty sure the shake would be picked up by the Richter’s scale. Picture this headline: *woman fell, caused major quake*. You gotta have some self-irony to endure being and looking like me, ok. *lol* Not to mention how much it would hurt my poor self. My hip is painful enough as it is, I don’t need it to be worse.

I feel a bit uplifted today, so I must enjoy that feeling. Yesterday was fecking brutal in comparison. I can’t get him out of my head. He is too unforgettable and loveable for that.
You know what to do if you’re sick of hearing about it; skip this section. Or if you have already read; try to repress it…

Well, see you all, and have a nice week!

Monsoon

Boring post, sorry...

Ok, right now I am totally boring, and I have nothing to write about that would be of any interest. So I am posting this instead. Feel free to copy and give me your answers. Maybe my mind will be kinder later on tonight, as I am usually more "creative"
at night time.

Do you snore?
Well, I do when my nose is blocked. *feeling very feminine now*

Are you a lover or a fighter?
Oh, when I love, I really love, but I can fight as well.

What's your worst fear?
I don’t want to say

As a kid, were you a Lego maniac?
YES!!! A huge one as well; had about a gazillion tons of the stuff. The whole living room floor was full of the city I built. My brother loved it as well. Still love it, and I don’t mind building. I just don’t think LEGO is what it used to be. It’s become too commercial.

What do you think of reality TV?
I loathe it, and it makes me irate and nauseous. It’s vile, really it is.

Were you a cute baby?
Of course I was. I still am. Haha!

Is the single life for you?
Nope!

What colour is your keyboard?
Dark grey and light grey, and some silver.

Do you sing in the shower?
Yes almost every time.

Have you ever bungee jumped?
No I don’t have a death wish. Extreme sports in general; not for me.

Any secret talents?
Heck yeah, but I think I must censor them. Sensitive souls might be reading this.

What is your ideal vacation spot?
Italy, and Spain as well so that I can use the little Spanish I know. But Ireland too, always.

Can you swim?
Yes. Learned it at 13, but I have been terrified of water since I nearly drowned as a kid. But two years ago I was determined that I would be scared no more. So now I can swim without breaking my neck. I used to swim with my head bent toward my back, as I was insanely afraid of getting water on my earlobe. Silly eh!? I am however very proud for conquering the anxiety over this!

Do you give a damn about the ozone?
Yes I do. It concerns me, but I am sure I am ignorant like the rest of the human race, and not doing half of what I could to help the environment.

How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Licks? I am an expert on that so let’s say 4 minutes. Is it really a pop we’re talking about here?

Can you sing the alphabet backwards?
No, I’ve never tried. Should I?

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?
Manual, talk about being lazy…

What's your stand on hunting?
Not fond of it, but it depends I guess. Totally against it for the sake of sport and fun!! I wouldn’t kill an animal myself, not even for the purpose of eating it. I couldn’t get myself to even fish… To look into the eyes of the poor fish or deer, oh God! Not for me!

Is marriage in your future?
I have no idea. I am not a person who needs to be married, and I’ve never really dreamt about the fairy tale wedding. I am more devout to the relationship itself. As long as I know that the “we” I am a part of is something that is stable and good, I am content. Also I need to know that we are together beacuse we both have passion, true love, respect and care for each other; I don't want it to be "out of old habit" or anxiety over being alone. I'd rather be alone than in a "habit/security/comfort relationship". I need some passion to stay, I do. And I know that it's possible to have that, even after many years. But should someone I truly love in all the ways propose, I wouldn’t say no.

Do you like your handwriting?
Not really no. It’s very messy and it is changing all the time. I can tell by the handwriting what age I am, when looking at older written “things”. My math teacher used to always have to ask me; what does it say there, is that a four… So I guess I am not alone in not liking it… *lol*

What are you allergic to?
Smoke, my nose gets blocked, and also oranges, rhubarb and other fruits high in vitamin C.

When was the last time you said "I love you"?
If you mean to a boy/girl friend then about 1,5 years ago I guess. If you mean friends; I said “love you” to Stina on the phone today. If you mean in my head to someone totally unattainable, just now... (bugger!)

Do you cry at weddings?
If the person getting married is close to me, then yes.

How do you like your eggs?
Well cooked or fried.

Are blondes dumb?
NO!

Where does the other sock end up?
I have these elves that live in my utility room, and they love socks. I try to feed them with socks that have holes in them, but for some reason those aren’t to their satisfaction. We have struck a deal though. And this has resulted in no more disappearing socks for me.

Do you have a nickname?
No, used to be called "dadda" and "Mossi" by my mum

Is McDonalds disgusting?
No, but it’s not exactly gourmet food is it? Besides; the smell in the alley behind a Mc Donalds stink in the vilest ways.

When was the last time you were in a car?
This morning when out shopping for groceries and stuff…

Do you prefer baths or showers?
Depends on the mood. If in a sensual mood, definitely bath. In a hurry in the morning, shower.

Is Santa Claus real?
Of course he is, he brings me loads of nice thing every year.

Do you like to have your neck kissed?
Yes, it gives me shivers down my spine, the good sort… And especially it the kissing continues downwards.

Are you afraid of the dark?
No, never was, never will be. I love the dark.

What are you addicted to?
My computer and internet and talking I think.

Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
Crunchy

Can you crack your neck?
Yes, I do it every day. Doubt it’s healthy though for some reason.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
No

Is drug free the way to be?
Yes, if we're talking narcotics...

Are you a heavy sleeper?
No, very light. Annoyingly light.

What colour are your eyes?
“Behind blue eyes”

Do you like your life?
Not so much.

Are you psychic?
Yes, I have three crystal balls.

Do you play any instruments?
I can play the tin whistle, which is an Irish flute that is used when playing Irish traditional music. Used to play the German flute (tverrfløyte) when I was young.

Have you ever stolen money?
Yes, from my mum’s purse, and from my brother’s money box when I was little. Bad girl!

Can you snowboard?
No, dear God! I am too chicken!

Do you like camping?
How can I put it… I have this utter revulsion towards camping. Tents are so uncomfortable. They are too cold in the evening, too warm in the morning, so that it feels like one is suffocating, spiders and other creepy crawlers are all over you. Plus I detest camping sites. Bunch of people stuffed into a tiny area. Give me a hotel room. Yes, I admit it. I like “luxury” when on holidays, so kill me.

Do you snort when you laugh?
Yes, if I laugh very hard I sometimes do.

Do you believe in magic?
Yes, magic is so much fun!

Are dogs a man's best friend?
No, a cat is. Dogs are too dependable, they smell and they drool and lick all over you. But they are lovely too, some of them.

Do you believe in divorce?
Yes, I do. But not over “nothing”…

How many people do you like right now?
One person in particular… Him aside; lots of!

What's the most annoying TV commercial?
All of them. I switch channels when they come on.

Favourite song at the moment?
Must be a The Who one. Let’s see… yes, “Mike post theme” from their new album.

If you've read all the way down here: Well done! And you didn't die of boredom either? Huh?

Monsoon

Plumbopyrochlore

I am utterly beat. Feels like I’ve been in a marathon. Mind blank, head is vacant, fingers weak, body numb, and mood crappy. Wonderful, just wonderful. And I still have tons of pages to read over the weekend in both psychology and law. Can’t wait; luckily there’s Saturday for that.

I love Christmas. It is my favourite time of the year. It’s what it means, its decorations and the cosiness of it. There is one thing I loathe though; the commercial communities’ early start. The bathing suits have hardly been packed away, before we are forced to celebrate Christmas, at least while out shopping and going through the mail. They start selling their special X-Mas marzipan and other candy in September, the catalogues for toys and gift ideas are out even before the last Easter eggs have been eaten. I cannot stress enough how much I detest this. It takes the wonder and the special feelings out of the Advent time and the “Christmas month” December. For every year that passes they start earlier. I am sure that in a few years time Christmas will actually start in August. Makes me sick to my stomach. It’s like one gets fed up with it before it even starts. My wish is for a world where Christmas, and I mean everything about it, isn’t allowed until Advent starts. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating then. I have a lot more on my mind, complaints that is, about the way Christmas is celebrated, but I will address that some other time.

I have found out that I am freakishly annoyed by sound, especially when I want to be alone, sleep, relax or just be… And by that I mean sound that I can’t control, mostly. Like on a flag pole there’s this thread that you use to hoist the flag with. Well when not in use this thread is making noises in the wind. Lawnmowers, in particular when they go on and on and on, the sound of the automatic train doors when open, screeching high pitched female voices, exaggerated use of chewing gum, and other loud banging noises that appear when I don’t want them to. Oh and one thing that annoys me, both because it is vulgar, inappropriate and infuriating; young teens on the train talking loudly about how disgustingly drunk they were, how many guys they fucked during the weekend, and how little they remember of it. *Chills* Yes, I am easily annoyed like that. People, in general don’t annoy me though. I am very patient. It might not sound like it, but I am!! Just ask my best friends. ;-)

Well, the freak of nature will shut her hole now.

I love to dance, listen to music, talk, laugh, play and read, just to mention a few things that don’t annoy me. Hehe…

Monsoon

Estoy terminada, actualmente...

Finished! Finito! Terminada! God that feels sooo good… ;-)

Yes, I am officially done. My exams, in two copies, are now stapled together and ready to be handed in tomorrow! I really really do hope that I got all my references, within the text, right. Tricky part, when you’ve never done it before. Thanks for all your suggestions. Now all you need is to pray that I will pass. Promise!?

We’ve been talking about Christmas presents lately, and I had planned to wish for an exercise bike from my parents. Well, was is the key word here… In fact I can’t wish for one, as I am too heavy to sit on them. The steel, or whatever sissy material it’s made of, would give in under my weight. Isn’t that just wonderful? I actually have to fucking loose weight before I can buy one. Makes you feel reeeally fit. We can send people to the moon and we can do the most amazing things within the field of science… However, making an exercise bike for those who truly need it; no, that one is too much of a challenge. It’s a weird weird world.

Eva and I were laughing our heads off by this last weekend. We found it to be tragically comical. I promised Eva to write about it. So there you go!

*Hopelessly devoted to you*. Lyrics that totally fit!

Which reminds me, I really do like the film they’re from. Can’t help it. Grease, that’s what I am talking about. Typical chick flick, but I like it nevertheless. Catchy music and I just love the “I am too cool to even smile and talk” attitude that the T-birds are showing off. Hilarious. Feel good film, and sometimes that’s just what one needs. Dirty Dancing is the same. Only that is a really good film, honestly. I think it holds one of the most erotic scenes ever. The song played as it happens is Solomon Burke with “Cry to me”, and it’s the first time they’re making love. The way they touch, “dance”, oh sigh. And when he pulls her t-shirt up; yes, that’s when we all feel darn right tingly… *lol* Nobody puts baby in a corner. Right you are!

I can hear that my tiny worms are calling me to play a game before going to bed. I played a most magnificent battle today. I had two worms against 17 other, and I bloody well went ahead and won. I am a brilliant strategist. Hihi…

Love and all other sorts of things

Monsoon :-) 

Dream, dream, dream, that's all

Congratulations to one of my best and closest friends, Rønnaug, who gave birth to healthy baby boy yesterday. His name is Andreas, after Rønnaug’s dad. And of course; congrats to the proud daddy as well, Tommy!
I have to admit that I started to cry when I got the text message… So happy for you guys!

Unwind.

This is what I needed right now, and so I gave myself that freedom. It tasted wonderful.

Yesterday I spent so many hours writing, that in the end my eyes started to run and sting. Then I said to myself, with a very firm voice; Monsoon do get up from that chair and do something else, before you grow a bedsore or even worse; before you grow into it completely. Do something nice. So I went to Eva. It was great to shift focus.

YEA!! Guess which lovely Canadian girl I got a beautiful, homemade I think, card from yesterday? It was Martha. It made my day Martha, just so you know it! Thanks so much!

Had two dreams that I remember last night, both of them recurring. First I was a Jewish girl in Poland during WW2. I was captured, of course, and ended up in Auschwitz. Fucking dreadful dream. All the things I endured, oh God! It seemed to last forever, and ended in the “showers”. Lovely. My next one was about Bob. It was just a normal day it seemed. I was making dinner, he was reading the paper. We ate, talked, and then we lay down on the coach. We just held each other… It was such a good feeling, but boy was it crappy to wake up and see that I was in fact completely alone. Yuk! So I just got up, put my woollen socks on and laughed at my own reflection, as I caught a glimpse of it in the bathroom mirror. I look insane in the morning. We have a “bad” saying for that kind of hair in the morning in Norway. We call it “fuck-hair”… Only I haven’t, so what’s my excuse? *lol* Also I look 45 in the morning. Why is that? Baggy eyes, dark circles under my eyes, or are my wrinkles more visible? Who knows? A combination of all of the above? Yes most likely…

I am nearly done with my exam now, and I am s glad! There’s only some nit picking left I think. I am happy with what I’ve done, and I know I couldn’t have done better. So as long as I pass, I am thrilled. Everything above E is fab! (A is the best, and F is fail) God, never thought I’d hear myself say that. But as I get better at writing in an academic way, I will have to expect better grades. The examination result will be released on December 7th. *quiver*

However, I am now going to move my tiny, intsy bitsy body into the living room to watch some TV, and eat Mövenpick ice cream. TO DIE FOR! I am what you would call an ice cream freak. A huge one! It’s like I have a stomach of my own just for ice cream. My dad is the same. Once when I was little he bet me that I couldn’t eat 2 litres of it. (US 0,53 gallons, UK 0,44) He lost. Yes, that’s how crazed I am for this stuff. And here this; it must, preferably, be eaten out of a Tupperware plastic bowl. It doesn’t taste as good in a glass bowl. Honest to God! I know; I am sick! *lol*

Bye bye baby bye bye

Monsoon

Ps I wish I could ring him up and say; why don't you come over here for a while... SIGH!

The neverending story

Really, I should be sick of writing, as my life seems to hold one thing; writing. And in particular these last days, when I’ve been working on my exam as well. But my writing is my escape, my way of calming down, and a way to sort my mind. Still stressed and worried, as I set high standards for myself school wise. However; I have promised myself this time, to give me a break. After all I’ve never done something like this before. So my goal is, hopefully, achievable, as I am happy as long as I pass. Ok, so happy might be a tad exaggerated, but at least I won’t have to do another exam, which is the case if I flunk it.

I couldn’t have done it without Agnete. She’s been great!! She gets my ideas, she understands my perspectives, and she isn’t afraid to correct me. Though she told me that her initial thought when reading my introduction was; “Why does Monsoon think she can’t write, this is very good”. So I guess I will have to start giving myself some credit. I might be able to write, but my problems are the structure, the theories and the way the assignments should “look”. There are certain rules to follow…

It’s been father’s day here. Although we never really celebrated those kinds of things at home, I bought some marzipan for my dad. He loves that. It was just a small token… I was at mum and dads for a roast dinner. We all sighed and moaned as we ate, because it tasted over- superbly! Mum and I could hardly stop eating, and we continued to eat out of the saucepans while cleaning up afterwards. I love meat, no question about it. Not so fond of the gamy flavour though, but I think that is the only one. Give me a well done steak, and I am yours! *lol* On Saturday I am going to start my challenge that my coacher gave me. That means not eating any meat, dairy products or my beloved tab x-tra for 10 days. Will I survive it? I will, yes… If not for any other reason than to prove to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to.

These last days have been brutal in the B-case. As the title said; the never ending story.

Well, I better post this and go. I need to relax myself, and I know just the thing ;-)

Monsoon