This is a very long, strange and silly post

What have you done to make yourself proud today...

… A question raised in a TV programme I watched. I felt as if they asked me this. It kind of hit home, if you know what I mean. So I asked myself that very same question, and came to the horrible realization that; nothing.
- Nothing was my answer. If that isn’t dreadfully sad then I don’t know what is. To be 32, a seemingly intelligent girl, and sitting here wasting her life not feeling proud of fucking anything she does. Ok, I admit I do things that I am proud of, for others, but nothing for me. I am so not looking out for number one. I just live in this semi-healthy-life which just keeps me on the same weight, and which also kills my true spirit by the minute.

I am not all I can be. The Monsoon you see isn’t what I truly like being. The real me has much more true confidence, always smiling, great spirit, she is content, social and loves to meet new people. I am a shadow of what I have aspirations and possibilities of being. It makes me sick. So sick I want to scream out loud and smack my head. Get a grip you silly twat! Bob released the true me, so I was able to enjoy 1, 5 years of freedom. He opened my eyes in a way, so that I could see myself from the outside, and to see that I was worth making an effort for. Now that I don’t have that, it’s hard. I tend to judge and put myself down. Nevertheless; truth be spoken; he isn’t here anymore. He never will be. His heart, mind and body belong to someone else. So I will have to get a grip and find the spark within. I am so tired of this fight with myself, as that’s what this feels like. It wears me out.

I have had it with this behaviour, and so I will start that challenge thing my coacher gave me, tomorrow. It is gonna take all my energy, but I will conquer this!
Things in my student life are hard for me, and that doesn’t exactly help with the whole eating thing. I don’t want to say anything more about it, other than what I hope for, which is being able to say this, and mean it: "To hell" with all you prejudiced and stuck up people.

Despite the “sadness” of this post I feel determined and strong today. I believe in me, who I want to be, and how I want to be perceived. I will go and “bake” the life I want for myself. I know one ingredient that forever will be missing, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have the good life I want. I just need a replacement, like in baking… One replaces the expensive and magnificent saffron with the similar, yet not so exclusive, turmeric. *lol* It might take an insane amount of time and effort, but it must be possible. Why must he feel so important to me? Heck! But as for Bob; I have decided one thing. I have to go on, live, breathe, think, learn, and just be, while he “runs” around in my mind and soul at all times. If it isn’t meant to be, the love will fade some time. (I hope!!) I can’t force myself not to love him. Doesn’t work like that. Love isn’t a button you can press ON or OFF on. I care so much for this man that I could burst. Not to mention physical attraction... Dear God! Probably sound really cliché and silly. True it is though…

Vegar is beeping me on Msn… After: That was a very refreshing conversation indeed!! ;-)

I leave today with hope and determination of an important and big change food wise. This is it.

Monsoon :-)