Face of horror

Oh my God! I watched a show on National Geographic on a horrible drug. It is called methamphetamine. There is also Crystal Meth, which is a purer smokeable form of methamphetamine. I remember seeing something on Oprah once about this drug. It is so shocking, so dreadful and, well frankly, I am lost for words…

I have never ever seen anything destroy a person’s life so complete! Have you ever seen before and after pictures of a user? Have you seen their skin, their hair (or lack of it) their teeth and gums, and their body? It is kinda like taking a pretty girl and doing a makeover for her to star in a horror film. That is how terrifying the transformation is. It is sad, it is atrocious, it is all the word for terrible I can find. But to me, most of all, it is incomprehensible. Why would people want to start using this drug, when they know how extremely dangerous it is? What is wrong with the world today, which makes people want to try this? It kills people, it turns them into hallucinating mad people. They lose themselves as human beings, and end up doing many things they normally wouldn’t. Also it is an extremely addictive stimulant. The worst thing is that it is spreading like crazy, all over the world. It leaves me feel utterly benumbed by sadness, and unable to act… A met face: SCARY SCARY SCARY!!!!

This picture shows the woman when she first was convicted, and then about 3, 5 years later.
The deterioration is gruesome!


You have asked me to post pictures of my so-called art. But I have to “disappoint” you, as I do not dare to post it. I am not brilliant at all, and I fell insecure about it. Can’t help it! Perhaps some day though. A friend came with a very good idea for me. She wanted me to buy a book, write my poems in it, and then paint to fit the poem. I might do that actually, it is a very good idea! We’ll see! Meanwhile, I am loving this!

I’ve had a good weekend, due to friends coming over and I haven’t felt lonely. I detest feeling alone and lonely. It is one of the worst things, for me. Eva, Janne and I made homemade pizza yesterday, and watched Bruce Almighty. We also talked… Good evening.

In addition, today my favourite Norwegian football/soccer team Viking won 3-1 against Brann. Soooo good! It was a very good game, with a lot of nice football! I am thrilled that they are doing so much better this season. Last one was disastrous, and almost ended in 1st division.

I don’t know more to write right now. I feel a bit numb and scared stiff after that documentary, so I’ll get back to you tomorrow. But I can say that I will try to exercise again tomorrow. Just a little bit. Let’s hope and pray it will go well.

Monsoon

Burnt umber

We are exposed to cruelties in the media daily. There are so many horrible things happening that make my stomach twist and turn. So much, I think we’re in danger of becoming immune to it. Luckily, it hasn’t gotten there just yet, not for me. It makes me so angry, especially when people’s rage is taken out on defenceless innocent victims. It is vile.

For instance, today, we could read in the news in Norway that someone had drowned a young German Shepard by hanging stones to its leech. Dreadful, horrendous! I wish we had stronger punishments for these types of crimes in Norway. Now we hardly have any reaction at all. Seems people can go about do whatever they want with their animals. They might get a tiny fine and a reprimand. Oh yes, because that is certainly going to put a stop to such behaviour! Not! If you are so over-psycho that you can torture and kill an animal like that, I bet you’ll do it again. You people disgust me to such an extent, it isn’t even possible to describe it. I want to slap your faces endlessly. In addition, I have several other things I’d like to do, because you make me so irate. However, that would take me stooping down to your level, so I won’t. I will just think about you in utter disgust and disbelief, and wonder why so many people feel urged to be cruel and violent these days. There, got that out of my system, for now…

I am working on a painting for my bedroom. It is coming out quite cool, I think. Just the way I like it. It is mostly red, yellow and orange. And of course, since it is roasting, and I paint in my bra, it has left my boobs yellow, black, orange, green, red, and “burnt umber”. Hehe. That’s what you get when they are “tiny”. They stick their big noses in everything, don’t they… Still, I am a general “messer”. I remember when my ex and I painted our bedroom when we moved in here. No matter how little work I did then, due to back problems, I still looked like the paintbrush itself. Hands, face, hair, clothes and all, all dyed in that colour. I was a bleedin’ chameleon, I’m telling you. Mum is the same, so I guess it’s genetic somehow. *lol*

I’ve been to IKEA with mum, Tor Egil (brother) and his live-in girlfriend Cecilie today. We also stopped by Clas Ohlson, a shop for tools, computers, household items and electronics. It is one of my favourite shops. I burnt off 440 kroner there. ($ 74, £ 37). I bought a palette, two big tubes of colour, two canvases, and some computer related stuff. At IKEA I bought some scented candles, for all the non-romantic evenings I spend alone, (God the sarcasm!) and a green plant with a pink flower, for my bathroom.

When I awoke by the alarm today, I was in shock. I just could not get out of bed. It took me half an hour to move my arse out of there. Gees! I moved around in bed, lying in a million different positions, trying to force myself out. Terrible. My body felt like lead. I hate those mornings. The day starts bad. Looking at that disgusting face in the morning, yuk! However, it got better as the day went by. I had a good evening at Eva’s, which was exactly what my disheartened self needed. Love you girl!

Vegar is beeping me on Msn, so I’ll go!

Monsoon

A quick one while he's away

Hellluuu!

Well, this is just a tiny note. I am in such a fucking insanely bad mood today, and my bitching is the last thing you lot need, so… One of the reasons I am so upset is the fact I haven’t been able to work out since Thursday due to that back thing that’s been bothering me. I isn’t just in my back, it is in my stomach too. It feels like the pain is in my bones, under or in my ribs. It is horrible, and sitting up in bed in the morning is terror. Yet today is the first day without severe pain, so I think I might have a go at exercising tomorrow again. It just drains me this type of thing. Buggery bollix! Argh! When trying to save my life, give me a rest. Give me a body that cooperates and behaves. Please

However; one good thing. I got a beautiful card in the post yesterday. It was from dear Martha- Anne from Prince Edward island in Canada. She had written so many nice words about me I got tears in my eyes. I appreciated, and needed that, so much you have no idea Martha. You are a treasure!

Monsoon

Out on the weekend

I’ve been trying to capture what I feel inside, regarding Bob, unto a painting, for a while now. Yet, it is extremely frustrating, as I have a clear view of it in my head, but somehow it doesn’t transform into what I want. I have come closer today, as I painted one of the pictures. I am very happy with parts of it. The part I am not content with, I can try to fix and try something else. I bought new paint, brushes and canvas today. I enjoy doing this, even though I am not very good at it. I am not here to impress, I just like doing it, so then I will continue…

Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians! Hehe, funny! My ex and I had a fridge magnet that said that. I say throw me to anyone these days. (Slightly exaggerated ;-)) You see, I am in a very sensuous mood today, to put it ever so mildly! I realllllyyy wish I had someone here, as I would seduce them out of their minds. Hehe… Seducing is the thing for me, I like it a lot!! I am a bit of a teaser that way, but I don’t mind. I am not afraid of admitting it either. I totally adore being and feeling sexy; it is a huge part of who I am. Dancing, flirting, teasing, and so on. However; and I need to stress this; it only applies if it is with/for someone I trust and love. No other way works for me. Me want to play! *lol*

I am listening to Neil Young and his beautiful song Words, and dreaming away.

In 17 days, I am going to The Quart festival in Norway to see The Who! Do you think I am looking forward to it? Yes, yes, yes, I can hardly wait. One of the reasons I am working out so hard. I need to be as fit as possible for that ordeal. I say ordeal because such a thing will take its toll on my poor body. It is a strenuous thing to be at a concert. Luckily, since it is a festival area, I am sure there will be a place for me to sit down at the back, should the pain become too horrible. Rønnaug and I are travelling by car, and the drive is about 3 hours after the new tunnel came. I am glad that the travel time is short! But to see Pete and Roger on stage, singing and rocking their arses off. Wow. What more can you say? I’ll probably die of happiness afterwards. Or at least swoon with a deliriously happy look on my face.

Granda was just fine by the way! No cancer in sight, which made us all happy. While mum was doing some shopping, granda and I got talking about women’s asses. We both agreed that skinny non-existent butts were not our favourite. We like them full. Even better if accompanied with not too skinny thighs. We like some flesh in those areas… *lol* I guess it is kinda bizarre to discuss that with your 86 year old granda, but just because he is old doesn’t mean he has stopped living, observing and having opinions… I hope I never stop looking.
He is cool, and he loves me for the girl I am, with all my faults, wrongs and madness, even the fact that I am bi. He likes that I am myself with them. I don’t put on a show like so many others do. Many people try to be gentle, discreet, over polite and over kind to their elders. I don’t think that’s what they want. Respect, of course, but hey, they too love to joke and be crazy. I talk about everything with them, and I mean everything.

Well, now it is time for something completely different, so bye bye!

Monsoon

Happy toes and sad mind

Yesterday was a very hard day, Bob-wise. I know I’ve been going on about him since the Dark ages… But frankly this is my blog and I guess I must be able to vent it from time to time, should it feel important to me. I’ve never told the whole story around that whole thing. I’ve done so completely deliberate because due to circumstances I have wanted to keep it discreet. Therefore, I guess for some of you this might seem quite weird, psycho, and bordering on lunacy. Not to me, usually.

However, I too can question my sanity in this from time to time. Like why the fuck can’t my mind and soul stop thinking and yearning after him? But every time I come to the same conclusion, so I will just have to let it pass in its own time. My feelings for him are the strongest, most profound I have ever felt for another human being, and as a dear friend of mine said; “love can’t be turned off like a switch. Not when it is the real thing.” Many people want me to find a replacement, find a rebound guy. How is that going to help me at all? He wouldn’t have his big brown eyes, his grey hair, his tall slender body, his voice, his presence, his intelligence, his humour, his captivating ways, his sexy laughter, his gaze, his sometimes awkward ways, his blushing face when I look at him, his killing smile, his charms, yes in short; he isn’t Bob. I’ll bounce back, I’ll shine. It will just take some time to get there. Luckily, I’ve got loads of time!

I’ve started a workout diary, to be able to follow my own progress. I write about how the exercise was/felt and what I did. I am now up to 27 minutes of work out, each day. 7 minutes warm up and 20 minutes on my monster machine. In addition to the 27 minutes; weight training three times a week, in order to strengthen my arms, shoulders, plus inner thighs. It has helped! In one month I’ve lost 3, 5 cm (1, 4 inch) on my upper thigh. Cool! I will keep the time on the monster (I must find name for that thing… hehe… Bob perhaps!?) on 20 minutes for a while. 15 minutes is actually enough for me, in total workout time, as I am so big. Not before 20 minutes feel like five will I extend the time. It is so much fun actually, especially when I feel that I am handling it. Moreover, listening to Harry Potter is a very good idea. Time flies, and sweat runs like the Niagara waterfalls. Plus my face looks like the top of a ripe turnip, in other words; purple.

Later, just back from Eva. Holy crap my back and hip are killing me. Oh the paiiiin. My mum gave me an excruciating backrub, which almost had me in tears. You can barely touch my back, and it’s like I am being stabbed. A bit sore are we? Must be the increase I’ve made in the exercise level. And/or the fact that I do have problems with my back due to my obesity, and I guess moving around so much might just make it worse. I had to take a painkiller. Now I am just eating some grapes and waiting for it to start working. If not I will have huge problems getting to sleep tonight. You know what bugs me BIG time? The fact that when you try to turn your life around, from unhappy looser on the sofa, fat slob, eating tons of sweets and so on, to a healthy vivid and much happier person, your body turns against you. Mild pains I have very day, so that I am used to, but severe like this, not so good.

Enough of this sad talk. Despite pains and stuff, I am quite content lately. I am starting to become the “old me”, the “me” who is more satisfied with herself and life in general. I see things to be grateful for, and I think that is very important.

One thing I am ever so appreciative of, are my family, my friends here and abroad. Not to mention my blog friends that I haven’t even met, yet they mean the world to me. I am so glad you are in my life. Your words and comments, your mails and cards make me smile, and sometimes even teary, touched and emotional. I appreciate every comment so much you have no idea! Your blogs teach me and expand my mind, and I feel I learn and evolve as a person reading your words.

To show you how happy I am I am enclosing a picture of my toes. Yes, a very strange thing to do, indeed-ee-oo, but who cares? When I am happy I paint the nails on them, and then I go about calling them “the happy toes”. It is the same with socks. Pink and other bright coloured socks mean happy feet. I am quirky, I know. If you hate feet, scroll down… *lol*

Ok, a bit difficult to see, but they are painted...

Monsoon - the odd one in the red house down the street -

Still roasting

Yes, it is, and I am trying to not melt away. It is extremely hot for June. Apparently the hottest in a very long time. Being fat, heat isn't exactly the best thing for you. But it is SO MUCH better now, compared to last year, and worse; the year before. So I am just glad for the change.

Had planned not to exercise today, as I set off to my grandparents this morning. Had a fabulous time with them. talked about everything! Of course history ws one of the topics, as both granda and I love it. I will see them on the 15th too, as I am taking granda to the hospital for a post cancer check-up. Pray everything is as it should be. When I came home I sat down here, with a headache and a lazy feeling body, so I decided to work out nevertheless. I managed to break my record on my monster machine, and I was so proud afterwards I almost got tears in my eyes. *lol*

I can't believe Bob is going to a The Who concert tomorrow. Still secretly kinda wish he would have gone to the one in Norway. But I guess it is much better this way. I would probably have spent the entire concert staking out for him instead of focusing on the music. Which would be so wrong and silly.

Liked the light on these two pictures I took yesterday morning in my bedroom.




Monsoon :-)

Hot!

Friday night and I just drove my dear friend Eva home to Varhaug. We’ve had Chinese. I had fried prawns in Peking sauce. Yummy!

Well, exam… We got 5 questions, three from social economies and two from law. Hrmf! It didn’t go well at all. In fact I am scared I will fail. I just cannot bare the idea of having to start studying for a new exam in a few weeks. It is an agonizing thought. I need some time off right now, as I am unbelievably weary. Here is why I think, and know it didn’t go well: The third and most important question in economies I know I have answered wrongly, as I had a total black out on the word we were supposed to base our written discussion around. We were going to discuss the paradox of the labour market. I do know this, but for some reason on Wednesday I didn’t! Stuck! So I just kinda made up my own paradox and hoped for the best. Unfortunately it was wrong. I am desperately hoping that my other 4 answers are so good that I don’t fail, but bugger all. I am not happy with this. Shite!

It is roasting here these days. I am soooo hot. I sit here in my bra, as I can’t bare the thought of any clothing on my upper body right now. I sit and sweat. Not comfortable at all. It is just so fucking humid here when it’s warm, that’s why I hate it. If the humidity wasn’t here I wouldn’t mind the heat so much. It was really bad on Wednesday evening; humid in the 10th power, drizzle rain, not one bit of wind (it was like even time stood still…) and then the smell of at least ten different manures. I felt like I was living inside a cowhouse, as the smells were that intense. You felt strangled by the lack of fresh air inside, but couldn’t open windows as you then were strangled by the strong acid-like manure smells. How great. As I drove Eva home just now, I think we counted, and smelled, 10 different shite smells. This is one of the things I dislike with living here. But usually I love it here! One tying I think is cool is this: the farmers make grass/hay balls, and they look like gargantuan marshmallows.

I’ve exercised a few times on my new machine, and boy am I worn out afterwards. Brilliant work out! When I get off it, my thighs are practically shaky. *lol* I notice that I have started using “new” muscles by using this machine, and so my body is a bit achy, but that’s ok. I guess it’ll pass when I get more used to it.

I am in fact very very tired. My eyes are sore, so for once in my life I will go to bed at a sensible hour. I tend to wake up at the crack of dawn when the humidity is this bad, my bedroom is namely like a stove…

I hope this post finds you all well!

Monsoon

My soul is actually yearning...

... but that is all I'll say about that.

Since I last wrote I’ve actually had a good week, if we look past the fact that I feel absolutely not ready for the exam on Wednesday. Pray it will go well nevertheless. My eating is going well, after a one week pigging out on ice cream and too much cheese… *lol* I love cheese! Oh YUM! I didn’t eat it together, just to make that clear.

Like I said introductorily; I am not ready for the exam. It is my first year at Uni, so I guess a few blunders were expected. The curriculum is very “dry” and hard, so it has taken me a longer time to go through it than I thought. It isn’t all easy to estimate the pages to read and how do learn it all… I know better now though. Yet for once I don’t mind that I am not ready, and therefore I do not suffer from the well known illness examinitis. *lol* If I fail, well, then there’s bugger all I can do about that. Except read and be ready for the second try in August. Last year this very exam had a 47% fail rate, which is insanely high!

My mum and I went to Nærbø to a sports shop looking for a cross trainer. We found one, and we bought it. Yea! It is sitting, in a thousand bits, in my sitting room, waiting for me to put it together. I need help with that as it takes two to assemble it. It says so on the manual, it does. I can’t wait to start using it. Hope it will turn out to be a great way to exercise for me. I am, funny enough, tremendously psyched about loosing weight and getting into shape at the moment. How odd, how very odd a feeling that is. I’ve found out, or come to turns with the fact that I am an addict. I have HUGE problems with sweets. If I eat one bar of chocolate, that one bar surely turns into a two week eating spree, previously unseen to humans… So, I must stay totally clear of sweets. It is my dope, really it is. When it comes to sweets I am like a drug addict or an alcoholic.

This is my exercise thingy.

I have to go and eat some breakfast now. I started to write this last night, but got too tired so I went to bed. I need to eat, and the study law. *jumping up and down in joy*

I’ll get back with more news after the, assumed, disastrous exam.

Monsoon

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
she can't hold him this way
she must rinse this all away
she can't love him this way