Otrivin Ville

In all my life I think I've owned around two pairs of high heeled shoes. I also never wore a dress after I was ten. If we don't count the Norwegian national costume, which is a dress. But I wore that the last time when I was 17, so... I actually always felt like a man in drag if I were to wear a dress or something, and that started rather early for me. When we were kids and playing house and weddings and stuff, I was always the man. This does not mean that I have any wish to be a man, because I don't! I have never ever felt really psyched about hair, fashion, shoes and clothes and typically female things. The only thing I took a remote interest in was make-up, because after all, I am a bit vain when it comes to my face. My footwear has been a disaster all my life. My idea of a good shoe has always been Dr Martens and Adidas runners. Yeah, that's reeeallly feminine. In 2001 I bought my first pair of high heeled shoes. Why? Because I was going to a wedding in Poland. I wore them again in 2006 in another wedding. That's it. So, you can imagine my shock when I for the first time in my 35 year old life fell for a pair of high heeled shoes I saw in an add on amazon.co.uk. I actually love them. I want them. I need them, and yet, I can't have them. Way expensive. But they are the coolest pair of shoes ever. I don't know what it is, but man I would feel like a goddess with those on my feet, and a nice ensemble to go with it. They're from "French connection" and I saw them at Javari.co.uk. If I am honest, I have to admit that my feminine side has indeed been emerging little by little over the last 5 years, and it has peaked in the last year. Yet, I am still quite masculine in my ways, but my feelings towards a dress and such stuff don't repulse me as much as it used to, and I quite like that. I feel more like a real woman if you know what I mean.

In the last week I've been ill. I don't know whether it is the swine flu or not, but just in case I've mostly stayed at home all alone. God how boring! Especially when you MUST stay in. More people have died in Norway of the swine flu than in all the other Scandinavian countries together, so... I have three of the risks that potentially can be fatal for me if I catch it. I have low lung function, asthma and I am obese. I am going to get the vaccine. I have come to that conclusion. Even though I am extremely unsure and sceptic of the whole thing. There's so much crap in those vaccines, that could potentially be dangerous down the line. Then on the other hand, where would we be hadn't it been for the vaccines against the illnesses and plagues that killed people in heaps in the olden times. The thing is that I hardly ever get sick like that, like with flu or even a cold. I don't think I've had a real cold in 10 years. It sucks being ill though. Every time I breathe in, my throat, chest and even stomach it feels like, makes whining, squealing and horrible sounds, and it is a lot harder than usual to breathe. However, I am still here, and so I shan't complain. 

I was at the hospital on Wednesday. I had an appointment to talk to the surgeon who is going to operate me. The news weren't great. My hope of having surgery in 2009 was killed there and then. I must lose 14 kilos (around 30 lbs) before January, or else no surgery then. He actually wanted to wait until Feb/March. I started to cry. I don't know what to do if that be the case. I am unable to work, though not unwilling, and I will have no money. Help! Being single and not having anyone to rely on right now, both emotionally and economically (as harsh as that latter one might sound) is quite rough for me. Friends are of course great, but they're not here. They're not here for those moments when you just need someone desperately. You know what I mean, don't you!? Moreover, most of my friends live far away, even in other countries. I will prevail though, and I am trying to see the positive in this. At least I will have less to lose after surgery, and the operation itself will be less risky and fatal this way. 

I am still dreaming about living in Spain. In fact, I spend quite some time fantasising about it. Even talking with myself.  Yeah, I am a bit on the odd side of life sometimes. Also I am contemplating on all the travelling I will be doing once I am ready for it again. I can't wait!! There are so many places, and fantastic people, I want to visit.  The first place I will go to is probably Ireland though. Every time I see pictures, news etc from Dublin and Ireland, I get tears in my eyes. It is my second home. One of "my kids", Cathal, sent me a friend request on facebook on Friday. I thought it was so cool, as he after all is 17. I didn't think that an old au-pair, that he hasn't seen in 8 years, would be interesting. He and I were really close though when I lived there. He was my "cutieboy", and he was a great, caring and gorgeous human being. Here we are, the two of us. I was 20 he was just two. This was only three

months in, in my first year there. The other pictures are of him at 3 year old. I love the two kids so much, still.

Splenda

So many things have been going on inside of me lately. And in that, a process of actually totally and utterly coming to terms with who I am, and also what I am. Now, that might sound weird, but it isn’t. Not to me. It’s been heaven. It’s been spiritual and touching. It is just all good. I have cried many tears of release, tears of joy, tears of realisation, tears of epiphanies etc. I have understood dreams I had as a child, and found out what they meant, and actually just how significant they were. Already then, trying to tell me that I should never shift away from that spiritual side of myself, but I did. I swayed a thousand miles from it, but it was always a part of me nevertheless. I was scared of being judged. Yes, I was. Frightened because I know not of one person close to me, except my beloved mother, who actually believes in the same stuff I do. Some might believe in parts of it all, but not the whole shebang. I can’t believe just how alternative and occult I actually am. (And just to clarify; I am not a Satanist or something!) I believe in God, but I believe in many other things too. There are many things unexplainable “in” this world really. I don’t feel all ready to tell all about it yet. But I just wanted to share that I’ve been going through a lot lately. I have found the true spiritual me, and it makes me feel incredibly balanced. And I like balance, because it isn’t borderline, like over the top happy or really dark, if you know what I mean. I am at ease, and I think that is a really good place to be when I think about the surgery I am going to go through, plus also the change in eating I have to embark on after that. Seriously; liquid eating for 3 whole weeks, and then 3 weeks of mashed food afterwards. *lol* Actually, I have lost 10 kilos in the last two months or so. I am still losing, and I am proud over it.

I love TV-programmes about interior, and exterior, designs. To see all the beauty a house, a flat, a barn, a castle can convey, via the meticulous work of those building it, is just fantastic. One of the shows is “Grand designs”. I have watched numerous shows of it. I also like the presenter; Kevin McCloud. I think he is really good, and in addition, and this is a bonus; he is hot. I feel quite smitten by him really. He has that special glimpse in his eyes. And let's not forget; he is born in the 50s. Gosh, it seems all the “good ones” are born in the 50s, in my opinion that is. But also the year 1960 stand out. For instance Bono is born that year.  Here's Kevin. Yummy. I am glad a single woman has something drool-worthy to look at. What would life be without it!?

Since I last wrote my dear friend of 32 years, Eva and hubby had a baby; Ernst. He was born on October 14^th and is just beautiful! It is this boy I am going to be a godparent to. So proud and honoured by that! They live a good drive from here, but I hope I will see them and little Ernst very soon. Can't wait! 

History studying is hard, but also nice. I have passed all tests and papers so far, and so let us hope it continues that way! Also worth mentioning is the fact that I started on what I am hoping will develop into a book, a novel. It is harsh reality, tough, tragic, about a 16 year old girl and her promiscuous ways looking for something unknown and safe. Living a picture perfect life during the day, and then not so much at night...

I hope you are all doing well

Love Monsoon

Fast times at Vig****** Ungdomsskule/Junior High

Growing up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s was good. It was really good actually. I am forever grateful I was born when I was born, and that I am not a teen now. *chills* My home place was such a safe haven. We were SO sheltered from “all things evil”. I remember when I was 16... We were leaving “Junior High” and in that the same class we had been in for nine years. We were naïve, so gullible, clean, pure and good. I would just DIE if I heard about anyone who had had sex at that stage. To us they were like the cheapest things ever. *lol* Even those who smoked or drank alcohol were considered losers and bordering on criminals, for most of us. In my class, I think actually no one did these things. I must admit this though; our particular class was known for its quite angelic kids, and teachers “fought” to be able to teach us. Those were the days. Now, of course there were “rebels” here too, but they were not in my class, and there weren't many of them.

I must share a couple of incidents for sure. When I was in 8th grade (14-15 years) my friend Karin and I were playing ping pong in a recess, and our teacher Harald. He was the typical pietistic and stupid-kind type. Then as we were playing, a student from 7th grade walked past us and said to the teacher; “God, it is certainly flipping hot today eh Harald, it would have been fine with a cold cock in your ass”. Yeah, that is definitely the thing to say. Did that ever gobsmack the teacher! Poor guy! Karin and I just smiled awkwardly and carried on playing, all whilst I had a tiny giggle building up inside. Heck I might have been pure, but I was still me. And I never shun sway from some garbage humour. ;-) We had a similar incident the year before. During the long break we were allowed to play tapes on the speaker system that went out to all the rooms at school. One day a boy from 8th grade put on a tape that had some very questionable lyrics, SO not suited for school. These were the lyrics we all heard throughout; “I want cock, screamed Marie the old hooker, I want cock in that old pussy of mine. Now this song was in fact from an album called “under the elastics on knickers”, and had other songs like ”Wank me wearing white gloves”, “Fuck-Polka”, and the cute “Come fuck with me”. All in Norwegian of course, and if I might add; the titles make more sense, in the way that is possible, in Norwegian. Yeah, so I guess we weren’t all growing halos, or was that just the repressed sexuality talking back then?! We will never know.

So yes, the pupils at our Junior High School had their fast times too. I must admit that even I had my moments of “teacher bashing”. *feeling mortified* Names shall not be mentioned, except he stank of urine, sweat, general body odour and foul mouth stank too. He had yellow pimples the size of grapes all over his face (NOT exaggerating the size...) We literally ran if he came close to us. Once I actually held the door to prevent him from coming out. He was so little, thin and puny that I was of course much stronger than him. (I’ve always had an in-built strength, and used to be able to win over all the boys in the class in arm wrestling) Poor guy. One of my friends in my class couldn't get herself to open her lunch when he was still in the room, in fear of her food becoming poisoned from his heinous smells. His teeth appeared as one long yellow lane with no definition or end between the teeth. I guess that whole concept of dental hygiene had somehow failed him. Failed were also his relationships with soap and deodorant. Plus if you stood beside him and looked into his ears all you could see for miles were layer upon layer of ear wax. Was he perhaps saving it for a rainy day? Who the heck knows. I am just telling you; sweet cookie he reeked. Even his car spoke tragedy. Picture a tiny low rectangular/oddly shaped car, a la Mr Bean's, that looked like it was built of tin foil and wood, and then painted with the most gruesome brown colour ever imagined. It wasn't blank as cars are when they have varnish, no it looked all dry like a black board. It squeaked if you touched it.

And to top it off he had bad hearing and used hearing aid. How wrong was it to place him amongst 13 year old children, with raging hormones and no concern for tomorrows!? He probably had a hard time. Though, two years later, as we were finished Junior High, and were on our way into the big world of “high school”, he and I made up. I said I was sorry for my behaviour and we hugged it out. I am glad we did. He had cleaned himself up too at this stage, and didn't stink no more. I also want to stress that the description of him is not exaggerated. Even my mum almost fainted when she met him at parent-teacher meeting.

So, this was a trip down memory lane. I have worked as a mad hatter on yet another history paper today. All day. So now I am wrecked and going to bed. Well, actually it is the day after, as it is past midnight... So long.

Love

TV

When I was born there was one TV channel in Norway; Nrk, and the next one didn't arrive until I was 18. And by that I mean the next non-cable/satellite channel. And unless you lived, mostly in or around Oslo, Nrk was your only source of TV until 1992. Except my housing estate; my dad and another Radio Amateur were sick of having just the one channel, and being gadget maniacs the two of them, they saw to it that our housing estate got satellite TV in 1986. What a revolution that was. I got to see Nino Firetto and some cute Scottish John-guy on Super Channel's music programmes. I adored them, and they were exotic no end! It was certainly a new world for me. I was a devout music lover from an early age, but had up until then only really heard music. Once a week there was namely this countdown radio show with all the great hits, called “Ti i skuddet”. Which translates basically into “ten top hits”... In the late 80s and early 90s cable and such were more normal. This all brought a ton of TV-series from USA and also Britain. I used to watch “Full house”, “Step by step” for instance. But I know a few friends who also LOVED “Press gang”. I just looked up some of the kids to see what they looked like as grown-ups. Since I had cable my room would be "full" of girls on Tuesday nights to watch "Beverly Hills 90210". We loved that too. They were around the same age as us too, so...

I've often wondered what happened to some of the actors, becaus some of them you just never saw again. I am now going to update myself, and you, on the child cast of Step by step and then Full House. I start with Step... But first I want to say sorry for the bad set up and alignment of the pictures. Blogger sucks at this at the moment...

Staci Keanan (born 1975) played Dana Foster. After the show ended she stopped acting for many years, but then started again.

Brandon Call (born 1976) played J.T (John Thomas) stopped acting altogether. Now works at a gas station that his family owns. He was shot in both arms but recovered fully. According to rumours he is married and has two daughters.

Angela Watson (born 1975) played Karen Foster, stopped acting, but had a small part in Junior Pilot in 2005. She started a non-profit organization CAST (Child Actors Supporting Themselves) to help out other child actors whose parents had squandered their earnings, as Watson's own parents did. So I guess this is what she works with now.

Christopher Castile (born 1980) played Mark Foster. He stopped acting after the show closed. He now teaches political science at Biola University in California. I can’t find any recent pictures, but according to one of his students he looks the same, only older than last time we saw him.

Christine Lakin (born 1979) played Al (Alicia) Lambert has continued to act all through. She had bits on shows like "7th Heaven" and "3rd Rock from the Sun". She is looking good though; not so much Tomboy there now. She is actually (real life) best friends with Nicholle Tom, the eldest girl from “The Nanny”.

Josh Byrn (born 1984) played Brandon Lambert. He stopped acting. I found this picture of him now.

Sasha Mitchell (born 1967) played Cody Lambert. He has done some acting since, for instance on E.R. I remember we heard that he was a wife abuser, but apparantly those rumours weren't entirely true. According to IMDB.com, his arrests for spousal abuse stemmed from trying to protect his kids from their mother's abuse. He says that his wife was addicted to drugs throughout their marriage and that she abused the children physically, which caused him to intervene. He also claims that his wife then sold the spousal abuse stories to various tabloids. Today, Sasha has full custody of his four children, and his ex-wife is only allowed five supervised

visits with the children every year.

Jason Marsden played Rich Halke. He has continued in the business both as actor and director.

Emily Mae Young(born 1990) played Lilly. She appeared in two films after the show, but then nothing... Couldn't find a lot of info about her.

Then unto the kids of “Full House”.

Candace Cameron (Bure) played the eldest girl, D.J. (Donna Jo) Tanner. She married a NHL player back Valeri Bure in 1996, with whom she has three children. She is now a devout Christian of evangelical faith and endorses online Christian home-schooling academies. She has continued to act some.

In the part of Michelle Tanner we find the unknown Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. I remember I thought for a long time that the girl playing Michelle bared the name Mary Kate Ashley... hehe... They are filthy rich and have built “an empire” working around their names. Well done. Who wouldn't work and milk it for what it's worth!?

Jodie Sweetin (born 1982) played Stephanie Tanner. She has continued acting, but has also sadly had trouble with drugs. She has struggled with addictions, such as with Crystal meth. She is currently sober, yay for her. I am happy she managed to get help and such.

Andrea Barber (born 1976) played DJ's friend Kimberly 'Kimmy' Louise Gibbler. She stopped acting after Full House and is now graduated in English Major and is married and has two children.

So yes, that were some of the ones I/we watched, all grown up. I must say, many of them look really well. And i never actually knew just how near many of them were to my own age.

Off to do history paper! All is well otherwise.

Monsoon :-)

PFL7403H

Take a look at this conversation between Fran, The Nanny, and her mum. And for those who haven’t seen it; Fran, the nanny, is working for Mr Sheffield as a nanny, and here she is visiting her mum. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUnql2bCqkw

So, as it turned out I should have kept my mouth shut about my new fabulous TV… Why!? Only this; a few hours after writing my last entry I went to turn on the TV to watch ”Will and Grace”. It would not start. It is fecking broken. A little bollix red light blink in intervals of three, however, that display of light is not making me any happier, I can assure you. I am being punished for being materialistic. I am sure of it. To make matters worse I couldn’t find the receipt. I searched through my whole flat for hours on end, and still no sight of it. Receipts as old as history itself, kept appearing, but never the right one. Yes, I do keep, and treasure, receipts for cheap toasters and stuff, but for a TV in the price range of “I have never spent this much money on a single item in my whole life”, that I lose. In the end I was soaked in stress-sweat, and my flat looked like a paper dump. Then I wanted to cry, as; poor student + broken TV - receipt = no new or fixed TV. Instead of crying I decided to take action, so I wrote an e-mail of beseech to the online shop where I bought the TV. The next morning I had a receipt waiting in an e-mail from them. I have to send the TV in, all the way to Oslo, and yet I don’t have the gigantic packaging and pallet it came on, and that is also making this whole affair difficult. I am now waiting for a reply from the “Consumer Council” as to how to proceed. Can I just say FUCK! 

I was at my granny's today, as I am every Sunday. We were having a laugh, which is also usual. She is so gas that woman. I was complaining about having little money as a student, being scared it won't last until after surgery and getting a job after that again, and told my gran I was constantly thinking about ways to make some money, when she replies; well, I suppose you just have to put on the glossy high heels and go make your way to the quays... (This is a saying in Norway, and so working the quays means working as a hooker. I don't know if that is a saying in English, so I just wanted to explain it.) Yeah that’s my gran! She will turn 80 on November 6^th. Gotta love her! These photos are of her now, and on her Confirmation day during the war; in 1943. 

Since my second to last entry, and by that I mean back in July, I have actually turned 35. My birthday was on August 2^nd. I had just the closest family down for cake and a social gathering. It was a good day, even though I am that old. I can feel the “fourtyness” creeping upon me, and I do not like it. Suddenly the whole idea of getting older, wrinklier, saggier, liver spottier and more infertile by the minute, does not agree with me. Sod it. I hardly wanted to celebrate my birthday; what's to celebrate really? The fact that I have just gotten so bloody fat and old, huh!?! Hehe... (I am exaggerating this a bit, yes...) My dad gets angry with me when I say things like that. He tells me this; “What is the alternative?” Well, I guess not being here is the only option besides getting older. But he doesn't know what it feels like to be in the situation I am in, how can he? I mean he's been in a relationship with mam since he was 16, and so he hasn’t been single in 43 years. There's just such gross amount of things I have to go through before I will be ready to “get out there again”, and by then the 40s will definitely have gotten closer and even scarier. I try to keep my mind positive, and I constantly keep telling myself that life isn’t over, life can still become great, life can still throw me a bone, life can still turn out nice and even exciting, life can still hold good things, life can still give me a chance to shine, and life might even be able to let me find love, the lasting kind... But even though I tell myself these things, do I actually believe them? No. Not even a smidge. However, I think I found one cell in my body which is positive, and so I will isolate that cell and make it grow. All hope can't be lost. 

Now I have to get back to my history books and try to learn something. I am not very eager at the moment. I am just dreaming and fantasising too much these days. I need a reality check. 

Huggies and stuff, Monsoon :-) 

 

And out of the ashes...

 
- You realize of course now I’m going to have to kill you -

That was one of my favourite quotes from the American sit-com “The Nanny”. I adore it, it is hilarious. I have the first three seasons on DVD. Only annoying thing is that it is on zone 1, and so I have to watch it on the computer. I'd love to see it on my new big flat screen TV. Did I mention I bought a new TV!? *checking earlier posts* No I didn't. This is it. Isn't it cute? Haha. Materialistic much!? I am allowed, sometimes, as long as other things come first. But when you go from an eleven year old 21" TV, with rounded edges and screen, like no TV you ever saw, and to a 42" with HD and all, the difference is worth celebrating if you ask me. It might not be so strange that I find it terrific. There should be pictures here, but for some reason I can't get the browser to open that page.
  
I bet you are thinking; hmmm.... isn't she going to comment on her 3 month sabbatical? I am not. What's to say!? No great excuse. So, let's move forward. However I will say sorry for the absence of comments on your blogs though.

I am now a certified social worker, and yet I am still a student. I am now studying history. These are the two courses I am taking; "World (Global and European) history from 300 AD until ca 1600 and Norwegian history from ca 800 AD until ca 1600", and "World (Global and European) and Norwegian history from ca 1600 until ca 1870". I had my first assignment due today, and I promise you; I felt quite a bit of Forrest Gump emerging from within. I just couldn’t solve it. I sat up until 1.30 am, and then got up again at half 6 this morning. At half 8, (8.30 am) I HAD to deliver, as it was due at nine. I wasn't even half satisfied, but heck; what was I to do? Next time I will not be too proud and stubborn and silly to ask the professors for guidance. I have learned my lesson. I am positive I will not pass, but then it isn’t an exam, so feck it anyway. I'll have another go.

Now some of you might wonder why I am still studying. Well, I have actually decided to tell the “big secret”, which is connected to this. I've known since May last year and now I am ready to tell you. I might have mentioned some sort of surgery but not what kind. The truth is that this fall/winter I am having a gastric bypass; aka “fat surgery”. I've been on a waiting list since last May. MAN am I sick of waiting! I can't wait. I've struggled too many years with weight loss and weight gain, and I can't do it any more. It is be operated or not be here, that is how horrible I feel about the way I am right now. This isn't life, this is merely existence. The whole story behind the weight gain is bleedin’ long, so I won't get into that. I am a person who loves being active and so I can't wait to be able to move around freely without both physical and emotional pain and consequences. Yay! So, this surgery is why I am not working and rather studying still. I want to be done with surgery and ready to start a new phase when I start working, so... But, I love history, even though I found the assignment vexing, so I am enjoying myself. The study is only online, and the lectures are watched on windows media player, so I can watch them when I want to. Plus, another 5 months of going to bed when I want to, with no regards to the next day, is also brilliant. ;-) I adore the night!

Now for a few updates and news:

- I am, needless to say, still fat. Hehe, however I've managed to lose around 23 pounds over the last weeks. So that's good.

- The infamous, yet over-droolworthy-gorgeous Bob is still haunting me, but little by little I am managing it. I have to just live, and so I do. I am quite embarrassed to say that he still is there. What can I say? His smile is etched on my cornea... And I still get chills, the good way, when I “feel” his gaze at me.

- My brother and his girlfriend Cecilie now live downstairs from me. Wee! The house holds two flats; one on the ground floor and then mine upstairs. We have a garden and a semi-ok sized courtyard and a good location. Hehe, I grew up on this housing estate too, so our parents live a mere 300 metres away. Keep the family close eh!?

- My friend, of 32 years, Eva (her Norwegian blog here) is having a baby with her fiancée Erling. They have asked me to be one of the baby's godparents, or sponsor, I am not sure of the word... I felt truly honoured. It will be a boy, and he is due on October 11th. I wish them all well and I love them. They live Tonstad and that is about 1, 5 hours of drive from here. It is a very different landscape there, all mountains and stuff. Here is totally flat you know. I will post pictures from my trip there this summer soon.

- I've gotten into genealogy. It is great fun, emotional and interesting. I've traced a lot of my ancestors who went to America in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Also I found the man one of my dad’s sides descends from. He lived in a neighbouring village, Varhaug, around 8 kilometres from here, in the 1500s. The family moved to Vigrestad in the 1700s, and so in over 400 years that part of the family haven't moved much. Hehe. This is definitely something I'll pursue. By the way; if you read this, live in USA and you know any of the following surnames Gjersdal, Odegaard (from North Dakota) and/or Herigstad, give me a buzz!

Now, this should be enough for today. I want to watch more The Nanny.

Love to all and thanks all for your comments on my B on my Bachelor.

HURRAH!!

Only a short post, as I am expecting a visit, but I got a beautiful B on my Bachelor thesis. It is a very good grade in Norway. I am over-thrilled and happy about it. Also I am very proud of myself!! 

Weeeee... 

Finally!

First of all; HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a wonderful friend Laura (Italy) on her 23rd today!! This is one girl that is truly special to me. She is smart, compassionate, honest, real, funny, vulnerable, and beautiful both inside and out, brilliant, creative and yes, just fabulous in every sense of the word.

Second of all: HAPPY 4th OF JULY to all of USA!!

Yeah, it’s definitely been a while. Over a month. No posts in all of June. Frankly I have to say I don’t remember much of that month. It is all a blur. I think mostly I’ve played The Sims and watched “Charmed” on my computer. The last weeks has been totally warm and roasting, and as we all know; I don’t do well with heat as of now. So to me the last weeks have been a living hell basically. So even another reason to just sit still in front of the computer. I don’t know what I’d do without my beloved PC. *lol*

I’ve had hard times with chest pains lately. And for some time, and still a little tiny bit, I have been sure it is a heart attack waiting to happen. Even though I do know it is muscular. Being so obese it wouldn’t be that weird if I had an attack. This has given be a bit of a scare and fright; let us just leave it at that.

Now I just have to vent about something else... Since I was very very young I’ve felt somewhat different, and also slightly deviant. I have found it immensely hard to find someone or somewhere where I didn’t feel this. To this day I have only found it two places, and with two different people. Though some of my newer acquaintances might be such “safe” places too, but I yet have to meet them in real life to see if it is true. I know I’ve talked about in here before. It is something that comes from deep within, and it lives in the very core that is me. Other than that it is insanely hard to explain why this is very true to me. It just is. I just want to point out that this doesn’t mean that I have a need to be different because it sounds cool or anything of that sort, believe me! Neither does it mean that I can’t love, care and have a great time with my friends. It doesn’t. All of my friends are like family to me, and they are priceless in all their ways!! I just don’t want to hurt anyone by saying these things... Sometimes it gets to me, but most times it is just ok, as it is who I am. One of the differences, quite huge one, is something I’ve been going through, over and over in my mind and life lately. I’ve come to terms with this side of myself and embraced it with all my heart. It has always been there, but I have been subduing it ever since I was little. Now was the time to break out. I am not going to talk about it in here though, even if it leaves me a tad annoying. It is just too incomprehensible for most. I have told one friend of it, and boy was I nervous!! My heart was popping out of my body! She took it well, and I love her for it. She is amazing! I am not saying I won’t tell anyone else, ever, but time will tell. It felt good just to say that...

Still haven’t learned the result for my Bachelor thesis. Yaaawn, I am getting fucking tired of waiting, seriously! I hope we will learn it by this coming week. Please let it be a great grade!

Now, at least this was a wee update from my part of the world. I do read your blogs guys, but I haven’t been in a writer’s mood, not even commenting, so I am sorry! I’ll try to be a better friend!

I love you though...

Monsoon :-)