Muuuusic

Wow, this has been the worst day in years. I see no reason to try to explain it all, just trust me on it; it's been terrible. Just for the record; no one is sick, injured or anything like that, it's just stuff... and somehow I just needed to say that certain things are sucking really badly right now, and then just leave it at that.

At least I'm loosing weight again. Stood still there for a whole month, which now feels like a waste. It was my own damn fault, so no one to blame this on but myself. That is why I have stepped up and looked to the future again. To the future in which I am slender-ish. Not the one where I still stuff my face, or like this last month; eat way too little and things low in real nutritional value. So, as of today I've lost a little over 130 lbs. Yay. Which is 59 kilos. Also, my BMI has gone from a WHOPPING 60! to a 38,7. That is a good thing my friends!

I have listened to "The Who" a lot today. Could I LOVE them more!? They fucking rock for real! And so, of course I've had several musical orgasms. :-) I call them musical orgasms, because they make me feel so good, so high, so hot, so alive, so excited, and at times even almost aroused. Is that odd? If it is, I don't care so much. Music gives me so much, as well you know. After listening, my arms were actually hurting because I had been "playing the drums" and digging the music so much. Sometimes I want to be in the 70s, and be a teen. An hormonal raging mad teen, being wild and out of control, listening to rock, hating the world, being opposed to everything and everyone. I'd listen to The Doors, Who, Deep Purple, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, etc etc, and, although I know it's wrong, I'd smoke weed and see where the music carries me in the high. I've never tried any sort of narcotics, and somehow I actually am curious about it. But, I guess it's kinda normal. The forbidden and illegal is a bit alluring isn't it. But, it will continue to be something I just wonder about...

9 years since September 11th and the tragedy on Manhattan... I'll never forget that day. Unreal. My thoughts go out to all those involved in one way or another... 

Back to the music...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Such a revolution

Apparently I am an incredibly emotional person. I guess all my life has been spent eating myself out of those said feelings, not daring to grasp what they were telling me. Eating them away was my way of subduing myself. Self-medicating on sweets, ice-cream and crisps. Lovely. When I look back I can hardly remember the time when I didn't do this. I know that I didn't do it, properly, until I was around like 19, but a lighter version started already at 16. That is 20 years of trying to be something I am not. Trying to be tough, happy on the outside, taking care of everyone else's needs and letting myself go, because why should I matter? When I met Bob, a lot of those negative thoughts and low self-worth vanished into thin air. At least the process was revolutionary started then... It was like I finally saw myself for who I really am, who I was meant to be. I understood that I was worth being loved, even by me. One time Bob and I were talking in his office. He was trying to pay me a compliment, and I was being my usual negative me. He was bragging about me too. Yet, I just couldn't receive it, and just left. But then, after about 2 hours I thought to myself, heck, why shouldn't I take that compliment. I went back to his office and told him so. He looked at me with the strongest gaze I have ever felt, (I am telling you, my heart was palpitating like mad) and almost strictly, and yet loving and tenderly and said with strength, while slamming his hand so hard on his desk; "Yes, "Monsoon", accept the compliment, God knows you're worth it!!" I nearly died. I stared at him, couldn't speak, the moment was frozen, and my tears just started running down my cheeks, and I had to get out of there. I have never seen a person mean something SO badly before, nor have I ever felt more loved than in that very moment. And more importantly; for the first time I let myself be truly loved and feel worthy of it. That incident sticks with me, as well you can imagine.

Anyway, as I was saying, eating my through life I was. However, as I can't, and won't, do that now, I tend to cry a lot. I think it was about time I paid attention to it all, because gosh, could I BE more intuitive!? I feel so much, and strongly, about so many things, places, relationships, etc, it's just thoughts and gut feelings as long as the eye can "see". So, I have decided to try to understand where it's coming from and what to do with it all. It's going to be a long, gnarly and never-ending journey, but I think it is worth it. It's part of who I am. And as another part of trying to love and appreciate myself, and to be true to who I am, this is just another element of it.

I want to share this poem/song/whatever/scribbly-doodle with you

I don't want to, any more


How long is this going to be?
This state of mind, this pain and grief
How did it start, yes; how? how?
On a winter morning, when I first saw you
A revolution, I will never forget

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How ardently I adore you
Your passion, all that is you, always,
When you are around, I see you
No escaping the intensity in those brown eyes
Such a revolution, every time

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How your presence strengthens me
and yet also shatters me
Your words make me wiser, I want to learn
How you give me nothing and yet everything
There is no reality, there is no you and me

How one look can suffice, and create certainty
Through you, I see life
No words needed, I understand anyway
How can I go on searching for it?
When you have showed me perfection

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you
But I don't want to love you any more


That's all I had to say today. Hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Semi-Demi

Weird mind in the last days. I shall not elaborate, because I think most people won't' be able to understand my peculiarity... Plus, how difficult is it not to try to explain intuition, gut feelings, and alike, in writing. Very hard indeed. Suffice to say; I feel something is going to occur or change...

So, I've been what you can call totally inept as to feeling good about myself, in most ways. I have felt really not attractive and stuff. Even as I have lost weight, I have found bad things to say about myself. I've just been blinded by the negatives, such as increased levels of lines and wrinkles, loose skin etc etc, instead of focusing on the positives. I have vouched to try to stop it. Why should I be my own biggest enemy? It is super duper silly. My first step is huge really. It is to love my own face straight out of the shower; red eyes and all. (My eyes are always red and sore after a shower, as is my skin...) So, as the blog title says; I am doing a Semi-Demi and posting a picture of my face right after a shower. Absolutely NO make-up. Yes, I am quite blond around the eyes, aren't I?! I call it a semi-Demi because Demi Moore posted pictures of herself, taken by her, in her bathroom, with little clothing on her... And as I was only wearing underwear too, but only showing my face; hence the semi part. :-)


It's period time. But I am not going to complain. I love that I get it, every month, almost on the day. Love it, because due to my obesity I was without for nearly 10 years. I could only produce one with the help of hormonal pills. So, yes, I welcome it, as then I know things are working as they should. What a blessing that is! However, when this is nearing I always feel incredibly emotional. It says a lot when I cried watching Jessica Simpson's "The Price of Beauty". OK, it was touching when she helped a Vietnamese lady, but still... You just get so much more sensitive, don't you? Heck, even the sex drive changes during it all. It is boosted! Mine is at least. Also, me, and many other women I've talked to, get super sensitive vaginas, especially during the period itself. So, your sex drive is through the roof, your vagina is ready to make you come like in a second, and yet, most women don't feel up to it, because of the obvious obstacle of what having your period means... It's almost criminally unfair! One of life's ironies. But, have you also noticed that you feel more powerful as a woman just before, and during, your period. I feel like I could conquer the world or something.

One of my facebook friends had written something I found insanely funny today. She is apparently holidaying in Turkey and sun bathing is obviously a big part of it. This is what she wrote: "You know you're badly sunburned when a little girl at the beach shouts to her mum; "Muuum, that red girl scares me!"

I'll go now. A short post is better than no post, right!?

Much love xxx

Just a little note from the scared little me

Sometimes I am scared of falling in love and starting a new relationship. I seem to think about such things when I feel vulnerable, and I feel vulnerable today. I am scared of it because it is new, fresh, insecure, unsafe and agonising. Also the fright of allowing yourself to love and be loved, wholly. Will I ever dare to go there again? Will I be able to risk falling again, in such a way as I did with Bob? Risk, because it could all fall to pieces. It is so fragile, like a house of cards. The peril of falling for someone not available. It is a risk to allow myself to go there, because I might end up falling for someone who is taken, yet again; who has promised to stay elsewhere until death do them apart. And you have no idea how much that worries me. Actually, just writing about it makes me weep. I can hardly breathe, because I can't bare loving like that again, and not ending up with the chosen one. The one whom you can't describe what it feels like to love, because no words suffice. You just feel it in your whole body that this is it. This is where I want to be, this is who I want to be with, this is H O M E. This is a safe haven, this is my best friend, my lover and the one I can share everything with and not be judged. This is someone who really sees me, and brings out the best in me, and of course vice versa! This is the one who makes me like the person I become, when I am with him/her. I felt all of these things with Bob, and a lot more too, and I still do really. I have plans to try once more to get some sort of closure... I deserve it. It won't happen just yet, and I will tell you more about it as it nears. Anyway; yes, I am one scared little shit. At the same time I am really thankful for meeting him. At least I have wholly loved once in my life, if it never happens again. I know now what to look for, what I need in a person to be more content with someone else than I am alone, and I also know what love should feel like inside. 

History is all it takes

So, Roger Waters performing "The Wall" in Oslo on May 1st. I was sat in fornt of the computer half an hour before the tickets were released, and I got through quite fast. I found GREAT seats, filled in all the credit card information, and pressed next. All great. Then I had to verify my card, and then; TECHNICAL BLEEDIN ERROR! Probably due to huge pressure on the servers. I nearly cried, honest to God! So, although I was one of the first, and had as I saw it, the best seats we could get, I was thrown out of the queue and had to re-enter and this took me over two hours. Luckily my dear friend Vegar phoned me and told me they had put up another show, the day after the original, due to the insane amount of interested people. So we both started to search for available tickets there. In the end I was able to score three tickets, and in seats that aren't too bad. In this picture they are in section 6, and in the third row, which means it isn't that far back!



It is a seated concert, which I think is great really. I can't believe I got them. I had so much trouble with it, and spent nearly 3 hours fighting! YAY! That's something really fecking fantabulous to look forward to!

Well, you all know that I am deadly passionate about history. Actually I'd say I am almost a tad obsessed by how things used to be. Sometimes I find myself wanting to have lived in earlier times, and not to mention; to be able to travel in time. Ultimate dream! Perhaps there are topics that stand out; WW II, Pompeii/Herculaneum and the Vesuvius' eruption in AD 79, The Roman Empire, agricultural history and The Middle ages. In all of history it's the lives of ordinary people that fascinates me the most. What did it look like, how did it smell, the flavours of the time, how much more flowers and vegetation were there, what songs did they sing, what did it feel like to live in a world with no electric lights outside or inside, how did people treat each other in a village, what did the food taste like etc. It's not always the great battles that tell us the most; it's all in the details, I think.

I was just thinking about the Black Death today. Can you imagine such horrors!? Take the French city of Avignon for example, in one year 50% of the population died. In total around 2/3 of the population perished. Within the city walls 8000 houses stood empty. Now, this would have been a huge number even today, when there are a lot more people, so imagine the impact it must have had back then!! It killed around 25 million people in Europe; 25-50 % of the total population. And as usual when tragedy strikes; humans need a scapegoat, and as always the Jews were blamed. And, did you hear about the flagellants? Well, they questioned the authorities of the Church, and to show their disbelief they walked around from city to city, wearing long robes with red crosses on them. They chanted Christian litanies and beat themselves, and others, with whips made of leather and spikes. Blood floated. They were also significant participants in blaming the Jews for the plague. To them, and other Christians, the Jews had to be the most terrible thing. After all, they didn't even believe that the true Messiah was THE Messiah. So, then of course, they had to be blamed, because of their unholy conducts and beliefs. In less than a year ALL the Jews of over 100 European cities were burned alive on huge bonfires. So, Hitler was certainly not the first one to find a "final solution" on this, to them, problem... *chills* It is terrible. And what was the aftermath of it all? People began to question the economic and social order that had prevailed in Europe for hundreds of years; the Black Death was one of the most important reasons for the downfall of feudalism in Europe, and that says a lot. The prestige of the Catholic church was weakened. Even priests/the gentry couldn't protect people from it all, and those who survived became disheartened. Some others turned to devil worship. This in turn led to the beginning of the Renaissance and the modern age. So, yes, the very social, economic, demographic and political structure of Europe was forever altered. One tiny flea, overthrew feudalism and changed the course of history in Europe. 

Well, that was today's little "history lesson". Hehehe...

Monsoon :-) 

The 7th entry

I am, by this post, breaking an almost 3 year old blogging habit. Which one you ask? Well, the one where I don't blog any more than 6 entries in one month. The last time I blogged more than that in a month, was in October 2007! Yikes. I have apparently had mostly around 2-3 entries in these last three years. That's bad that is! I am glad I am at least trying to get into it all again, even though my blog still feels a long way from what I had hoped and planned it would be. You can't control it though, can you really. I mean, you have to write about what's in your heart and mind, and so clearly what's in there in me, are mostly boring and non-fun stuff... Let us hope it will change, and in the meantime; I apologize for all the painstakingly dullness that is yet to come. 

I was at my dear friend Rønnaug's place this Thursday, and we had such a fecking great evening together. We talked about men, and "the old times", but most importantly, we talked about music. We have always had quite similar taste, and we have also always been able to influence and teach each other with newly discovered music. I guess you can say I "gave" her U2, and she "gave" me The Who. We listened to The Who, Kent and Mike Oldfield. We really dug the music with arms and all. I love that. It felt so good and cathartic. We have experienced four fab concerts together; two U2, one Alanis Morissette and one The Who. Good stuff. Also; Roger Waters is coming to Oslo in April next year, performing the legendary "The Wall". Tickets go on sale Monday, and guess who's going? Rønnaug and I, and also another friend of mine who lives in Oslo; Mette. Rønnaug and I will stay at a hotel or something, and make a weekend of it. Blast, I do hope I will be able to score tickets!! They usually sell out in minutes. Fingers crossed. It will be a once in a lifetime opportunity for sure. I mean, just how many years has it been since The Wall was played live!? I think 20 years.

Had my car in for what is called "EU-service", which basically means that some EU standard has to be filled, to be able to drive your car around this place. I guess it's good for safety, but still... annoying. Of course mine didn't get the go-ahead, so have to get it fixed asap. Isn't it funny the way Norway is imposed to follow all the laws and regulations of EU, and we aren't even a full member. OK, so we're a part of it, somehow, due to the EEA, but still... We're not a member, and yet we have all the negative sides of it, and "no" benefits. My point is this; we might as bloody well be a full member, the way things are going... In our last referendum, which was in 1994, I had no doubts and voted no to be a member. These days I am not so sure... Hard one to really foresee the consequences of a full membership, isn't it. I like the idea of being one country, alone, and not some united European nation... I wonder when the next referendum will come.

The partial sea view from my balcony and kitchen window. Just imagine how much sea I would see if all those spruces, on the horizon, weren't blocking my view... You can kind of glimpse the sea behind them.  I want them down!

I will leave you go today with a great quote from Mark Twain: 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

Lovey dovey - Monsoon

One bad one good

Do you know what scares the shite out of me? Industry. Factories. Automatic machinery. The sounds, the machinery, the millions of blinking lights, alarms going off, large and heavy machines moving seemingly uncontrolled... Yikes! SO scary! I could never ever spend time in such a place, let alone work there. I really can't understand that anyone dares to work at such a place. Think of all the accidents waiting to happen. If one guy forgets one tiny thing, or a screw is a little loose, people can plummet do their deaths. I even feel scared watching such industry and factories on TV. Now, that's bad! Haha. I have a similar fright for HUGE bulldozers, cranes, planes, ships, and like the anchors of huge ships, how scary are they? And the humongous pumps/machinery on such huge ships... It must be a living nightmare. Like, if you have seen the film "Titanic" (I guess most of you have...) you might remember that Rose and Jack run through the engine room? When I see that, it is more scary than the whole bloody sinking... To me a perfect horror film would be filled with insanely large electric, oily, pumps, cranes and machines. Dear God! So I guess I really am scared of abnormally large things? Hmmm... Weird really, isn't!? So, here follows a few examples:

 

Now, over to men... Since 1996, around the time I watched the first episode in which Sgt. Brady entered the character list on "A touch of Frost", I have been super weak for the man who plays him; James McKenna. I think he is insanely hot. The other day I sat watching an episode, as I have many of the series on DVD, when suddenly it occurred to me why I find him so darn attractive... He looks A LOT like Bob. You know... the man never forgotten and all that. Especially "live", probably because they have the same body language and facial expressions. I can't understand I haven't made that connection before. Like from when I first started liking Bob in January 2005... Anyway, now it's almost painful to see him in the series. Bugger! Why can't I meet someone who looks quite like that, who is fucking single for a change!?!? *dreaming* My type is seemingly like this; much older than me, and also looks a little older than they are, grey hair, brown eyes, and they seem to have some odd crooked mouth thing going and, and then top that with a great infectious smile, and I am sold. Most women don't fancy these men. My friends usually shudder when I show them pictures of the guys I fancy... Haha! They aren't "pretty" or universally handsome, but to me they are hot. Diversity is a good thing in taste, huh? 

Fright and hot guys, now that's all for today folks! I am off to watch another "Frost" episode, and will surely be drooling all through it... ;-)

Monsoon 

God?

There is no God, a woman said to me at the local kiosk the other day. One can only glance at the world's situation to understand where she's coming from. It can certainly bestow doubt to anyone... However, this comment was made due to something horrible my little municipality and also my village have experienced. Approximately two weeks ago three young men, aged 24, 24 and 31, went to Greenland to fish. Two of them were from my village, and one from a nearby village called Nærbø. They were supposed to come back last Friday, to be picked up by a local man. When they failed to show up, and also weren't on the plane out of there, the man reported them missing, and a huge search was effected. This Monday they found three backpacks. On Tuesday one body was also found, and a provisional "floating device" comprising of sticks, ropes and two air mattresses were found as well. On Wednesday we learned that the body found was one of the Norwegians. His name is Tormod Aniksdal, he was 24 and he was my second cousin. His dad, and my dad, grew up in two houses/farms only around 50 metres from each other. They played a lot together as children and youths. Especially when I was younger I knew Tormod's family very well. One of my best friends, Karin, was Tormod's first cousin, and she grew up so close to him and his 4 siblings; she would almost call them her own siblings. 13 men from around here went on a chartered plane, paid by a local business, to search for the two remaining men. They came home today, and wasn't able to bring him their dear ones. They found their camera too, and the last pictures were taken only two days after the men's arrival... tears have been shed by me, and I am sure by most inhabitants of this little village. I feel so immensely sorry for the families of these men, and I can't even being to comprehend how horrendous it must feel. The uncertainty of what happened. One can just speculate... At least Tormod was found, which is, under these circumstances, better than to not be found at all. Two of the men's girlfriend have a baby coming, and one or two small children at home... Rest in peace all three of you, and you, your families and everyone else who loved you, remain in my prayers and thoughts.