Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find a way, to make you see I love you?

Words, don’t come easy to me… No, that’s truly true sometimes. That song really reminds me of being a child. It is called Words. Do you remember it? Awwwh so cute. My aunt and I sang it together in her car while out driving. Talking about “old times”; there’s this programme on TV here. It is called “golden times” and the concept is this: Three men, who all were young in the 80’s, go around the world to talk to the heroes of the 80’s. Some of whom they’ve talked to are: “Krystle” and “Fallon” in Dynasty, Sabrina, Bo Derek, The Bangles, Samantha Fox, Glenn Medeiros (sang Nothing’s gonna change my love for you) Limahl (sang the never-ending story) and of course more. I enjoy that show, because I think it is cool to meet the stars of then and see what they’re up to now.

I will, somewhat unwillingly, admit that Samantha Fox was my big idol of that time. It wasn’t her music that I liked the most about her. No, in fact I was like the guys who drooled over her two important frontal assets and the rest of her body as well. (little "pervee") I had about 300 posters of her, and they covered the walls in my HUGE room in the basement. I also had scrapbooks of her, and I still have them today. While other girls had posters of Jon Bon Jovi and other male singers whom they found sexy, I had Sam Fox. Even more unwillingly I will admit that I had both posters and pictures of her topless. (yup, that’s not deviant, nooo…) I was ardently taken with her, and watched videos of her “all day long”. Weird. I have mentioned her in my diary even, and I have written about how sexy and beautiful I thought she was. God, give me a break!! How my bisexuality could pass me by until I was 20 is way way beyond me. More importantly; how come my parents weren’t a bit startled over the amount of posters of women in my room? (It is all coming back to me now; I had pics of Catherine Oxenberg from Dynasty too… Oh God!) In denial perhaps!? *lol* No, I don’t think it was that. I had boyfriends all the time, so I don’t think anyone, me included, thought that I was anything but straight as log.

Lucikly after this periode I developed both a better taste in men/women and music! *lol*

Though I must say, right now I do feel more on the straighter side. I suppose it has to do with the fact that I have met my “dream partner”, and he is male. (oh boy is he male… sigh and a little bit of drool too…) While with Inger Marie I felt more on the gay side. So I guess it all depends… I will stress this though: I don’t need both at the same time. I am monogamous! I just had to say that because, unfortunately, many people think that bisexuals are these horn dogs that need to have sex 24-7. Also that we never can be faithful and that we need both sexes at all times. One big sexorama I suppose. That’s not true, not for me it isn’t.


Yes, yet another childhood picture of me...

I am so tired, that I think I need a little nap. So I’ll see you all.

Monsoon

B.O.B

Wuthering heights

My kitchen, living room and hall are spotless. I doubt it’s been this clean since we moved in here in May 2004. Hihi… The kitchen presses even got a good scrub, and I’ve done a thorough cleaning job all round. I was supposed to do the rest today, but somehow I never got around to it. Wonder why? I will do it Thursday after shopping for Christmas presents. My dad was kind enough to tick off in a, Clas Ohlson, catalogue what he would like. Makes it easier, as it is so hard to know what to buy. Like, he really does have everything...

The weather has been very wet the past few weeks, with very strong winds and rain. So in this nice weather I found out that going for walk sounded like a good idea. And so I did. I drove down to the sea, and walked down to the beach. The sea roared and I am glad I had a cap and scarf on. When I got down to the “top of the beach”, I actually sat down on the wet ground. It was beautiful to sit there and feel the hard strong wind on my face, and the rain almost whipping my cheeks. I feel alive at moments like that. All alone, receiving whatever the nature has to offer in its entire wrath. That is true magnificence! Have promised myself to try to do that at least once per weekend, when I have the car. I love the sea; it is so powerful and intimidating. I feel a complete awe and calmness being beside it. Took some photos, but while trying to avoid rain on my mobile/camera, the pictures didn’t turns out so good. You’ll get a picture of w hat it was like. I wish I could have taken a picture of the roaring sound, which would be cool!


Here I am trying to take a pic of myself, but virtually impossible as the rain and wind "took" me

No kids in sight here...

Due to the insane amounts of note taking at Uni I have managed to get a tendonitis in my wrist. It hurts like hell. I am very much used to it, because when I was a goalkeeper in handball I had tendonitis all the time. Still annoying though. Dad said that he has a laptop I could borrow, but I am not sure that would be better. Don’t particularly like the laptop keyboard. It is so flat somehow. I find it difficult to write. So I think I’ll just stick to the old pen and paper. The 13th of December is the last day before Christmas, and then I am off for nearly a month. Hope that will “fix” the wrist.

I think I will play some worms, and then I'll watch some TV.

Monsoon :-) - Feeling quite happy today -

B..

I have no idea what to call this post

I’ve been off school today, but I had to get up early nevertheless. Drove my grandda, who will be 86 on January 30th, to the hospital for a check up on his tongue. (He had cancer). Luckily everything seemed fine, so I agree to what grandda said on the way home: “It is the best Christmas present I could get”. He gave me 400 NOK for driving him. I said that that was so not necessary. But he replied: “that is the least your services are worth”. I gave him a long hug in the hospital hall, and the nurse smiled at us. I have always been very special to grandda, because I speak my mind, and I am always myself. I never pretend, or try, to be this “picture perfect” for them, and he appreciates that so much. Also he says he likes me so much because I am honest, and if I think he behaves like an idiot, I will give out to him. Weird the things people are grateful for, eh!?

Well, back to today; when we came home to Varhaug, grandma had pancakes and some home baked cookies for us. That was my breakfast, to my grandma’s horror. This was at 12 o’clock and I hadn’t eaten. I then had to tell her that there is no immediate emergency connected to me not eating. Besides; I detest breakfast. I just can’t seem to swallow food right after getting up. If I am not insanely hungry, which I rarely am at the crack of dawn, I usually don’t eat before two hours of getting up.

I think congratulations are in order!! About a week ago my (first) cousin Ole Morten, 26 years, gave out his first examples of his gourmet ice-cream. He makes the ice-cream on his farm right here at Vigrestad, using only the finest ingredients from the farm and other places. He has been to Italy to learn the trade. He had to go back to the country where it all started you know. I come from a long line of ice-cream lovers, and boy have I tried a lot of ice-cream around the world. Nothing compares to “Iskremgården”’s one. Wow! Last weekend my brother came with four samples for me to try. While eating all I could do was moan, sigh, moan, and it sounded like I was up to something completely different. And I am telling you; for every spoon I ate I had a tiny orgasm. *lol* The flavour exploded in my mouth, it was the best I have ever tried. I don’t particularly like strawberry taste, but this one was like a taste of heaven. Fresh strawberries… One big yum! I am so proud of my first cousin. He and his wife have worked so hard to be able to do this. And not only that, the logo is made by family too. In fact my brother designed it. What you can’t see from this picture is that behind the name there is a vague air photo of the farm. Too cool!

Tomorrow is cleaning day, and by that I mean really clean!! Even move the sofas and vacuum behind them. Heavy bastards! *lol* Then I have to get out some of my Christmas decorations. I will post pictures later. I even have special curtains for the kitchen. Gotta love this season. Wish me luck because; yuk!

I do wish there could be some way I could be in charge of my own dreams at night, as it seems that my subconscious is living a life of its own. I have one dream category, and have for the past few months. Pray what ever could it be? I won’t keep you in the dark for long. The category is Bob. One would think that by now I must have dreamt every dream there is about him. But ooooh nooo… Every night something new. At this point I find this to be hysterical! Last night I dreamt that we were slowdancing, really close, and well let’s just leave it with saying; it was kinda sexy. *pulling three billion wish bones at the same time*

Monsoon ;-)

Mindless mumbo jumbo

I started this study because I want to help/support/empower people to get out of whatever difficult situation they’re in, and for whatever reason. As I read I find myself agreeing with one of the authors. She says about her own years of studying social work: “I thought this was about learning about other people. But it wasn’t long before I learned that it had just as much to do with me learning about myself.” This is so true! I have actually had to put down the books sometimes, as emotions rise high. It hits close to home. I think to myself: Is this allusive?” God, it stirs me up!

I have come to a decision. In order to try even harder at letting go of the always present Mr. B himself, I have chosen to try get totally pre-occupied with my studies. (GOD I miss him though!!) To focus on what’s important to me right now; which is to get an education. So I will learn for the sake of learning, not just good grades, explore, expand and grow and so on. Take pleasure in becoming the best social worker I can turn into.

I am exceptionally emotional at the moment. And have been for the past two weeks. I don’t know what it is. Well, I do know some reasons, the most apparent ones, but the more underlying ones are harder to pinpoint. I feel I am in a phase of transition in my soul, and life in general. Can’t really explain, but I hope that it will get clearer as time goes by. Like I’ve said before; sometimes I wish I were a robot. Emotions are fucking my life up, no doubt. And I am not one for living in repression either. I can’t disavow what’s inside. Neither can I hide it for me, or anyone else. I have to live, feel and be honest, in all aspects like that. Can’t go around pretending everything is grand. “I don’t bottle up my feelings, as it isn’t good for me”. I am sad, but simultaneously I am becoming more content also, which I am grateful for. It’s all my own work with my mind and social life.

If I may sound/be silly; I miss a few things, physically, like crazy! When you're used to intimacy for 6 years, and then in the split of a second it's all gone... Drives me nuts with longing.
Especially towards a certain someone. I've never been near him that way, and I can  practially feel how my hands want to touch him. For some reason; his hair, hands and cheeks in particular. I also miss kissing. I love it. It's so intimate and the feeling of your love's lips, oh kill me now! But not as much as a tongue in sight, except my own... *lol* 

Jabber, jabber, jabber. I am sure this was all very interesting, to hear me talking about things like this. Ah well! It’s my blog, isn’t it!? *lol*

I will leave you go now.

But before I go; try to log on to the Internet using these instructions, found in a Hotel in Asia. Good one! Hihi...

Monsoon :-)

Chatterbox Club

Hi!

I don’t know why, but for some reason I am not very into my own mind at the moment. Probably trying not to think about the not so good aspects of my life. This results in difficulties in writing. The things I have inside are too private to talk about in here, and I am sure they would be misconceived anyways... I want to share these photos by an artist. He does street paintings. So realistic! Amazing, I must say.




Here's a new "learn more about me" thing... Oh so exciting! *lol*

I AM: Tired and numb and a bit happy too.

I WANT: To forget… To sleep for a very long time… To be a fantastic student.

I WISH: I could speak more languages, like Italian, Russian and Polish. And I also wish to be better at Spanish.

I HATE: The injustice of the world. Animal cruelty. Hypocrisy, prejudice and impoliteness. Also my own weakness and fatness.

I MISS: B.., my friends that don’t live around here, Beata in Poland, my Irish “family”, having someone around, my cat Bastian, being able to run really fast,

I FEAR: I won’t reveal my worst ones, it’s too personal, but I don’t like spiders and heights.

I HEAR: Everything, my hearing is “effen” brilliant. *lol*

I WONDER: About almost everything. I have a thoughtful mind. Drives me nuts sometimes.

I REGRET: Over the past two years; a lot! But I regret what I didn’t say and didn’t dare to do.

I AM NOT: Good at keeping a spotless flat.

I DANCE: A lot. I love it, and it frees me.

I SING: Soooo much! I even “mime” the words of the songs I listen to on my media player, when on the train. I can’t sit still when music is being played.

I CRY: Don’t get me started. I take to the tears easy, especially during my period time. When I feel vulnerable there are a lot of tears… I had to stop an “attack” going to school today. It was a Pete Townshend son that almost had me in tears; “Let my love open the door”.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: calm and collect. When students in my class talk during lectures like they’re in the middle of some "Chatterbox social club" gathering. Even after the teacher tells them to stop, they just can’t shut the fuck up. It drives me mental, and I just want to go back there and “strangle” them… It is impolite, rude, disrespectful and ruining it for us who actually want to learn. My thought in this case is; “and you guys are going to be social workers!?” Jainey!

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Not a lot. I paint. I write. I make dinner.

I WRITE: three billion tons every day, poems, blog entries, diary, school things, lyrics, books and more.

I CONFUSE: My cat.

I NEED: To become better at everything.

I SHOULD: start believing in myself, not eat as much, exercise, stop liking B, make more friends, stop behaving like I am an “elephant” and not a human and relax.

I START: A lot of stuff…

I FINISH: Worms world party games, paintings, poems, and most of what I start, but perhaps not the most important things…


In week 49 we get the results from our home exam. I am very anxious. I do hope I pass.
Until then it is study study study, and then the European handball championship for women starts. Yea!

Monsoon ;-)

Weird child

Wow. Two days ago since I last sat down to write some crap. Yup, that really is astounding.
Just home from Hege’s. Nice to see her!

So now I sit here with really loud music at 23.15. I can play insanely loud at this hour, because the people downstairs are not here. I love when they’re gone. Then I can sing/scream as much as my heart desires. And it needs to, a whole lot right now. It’s good to get “everything out” that way. Right now it is Roger Waters’ “Pros and cons of hitch hiking” that’s playing. Fucking brilliant! Especially the song Running shoes. But now I want/need some “angry” music. What to put on? Zombie with Cranberries perhaps. Yes… Aah, that’s good. *letting out some steam*

This week has been quite stressing. Started with three new big subjects at school; psychology, sociology and law. So much to read and learn, and I am not through half of it. Have been way too tired to read at all times. Did some studying today, luckily.

I have been reminiscing and looking in my old photo albums today. I love doing that. I am a keeper. I have a cardboard box called “memory things”. Amongst other things there are diaries (I have kept a diary since the age of 10), school diaries, letters, tickets from every place I visited when younger, even cinema tickets, notebooks from when I was a child, “documents” from our Data Detective bureau”, old train tables and lists of what me and my friends wanted to play. We could never decide what to play you see, so we used to write down five things each. I can see that my favourites were.

- Kids in an orphanage (I had seen Annie, *lol*)
- Really rich kids
- Celebrities
- People from some other country. (We then had to talk in a pretend foreign language)
- Poor people, and in particular from the 19th century. (I was weird!)

I totally loved all sorts of play that involved some sort of acting; doing comic sketches for instance. I remember they had these Danish sketch books at he library. I think my loan number was the only one stamped in them, as I had them all the time. It said 1812, 1812, 1812... Sadly most of my friends didn’t get my urges for role-play and acting like this. I especially remember that Eva used to hate when I “forced” her to play foreigners, and to talk pretend Russian for instance. Poor girl. Imagination wasn’t a problem for me growing up, that’s for sure. Another thing I did was to use a tape recorder an awful lot.

I guess we can safely say that my voice is thoroughly documented from the age of 5 until I am like 16 or something. Some of what I've done: I sang songs from “tramteateret’s” TV programmes ( a Norwegian theatre/song group kinda thing), tried to talk English but knew only to count to four, and kept saying one, two, three, four, over and over agian. Talked to myself about my goings-on. Had long monolouges about anything, and within those always a bit of improvised acting. I interviewed mum, dad, my aunt and I even tried to interview my one year old brother, who couldn’t even talk. I was persistent, and on the tape I ask and ask him until he starts sobbing. At 10 I got a tape recorder that had two speakers and a radio too. So on that I recorded myself singing to music being played on my old tiny mono recorder. I was mad into recording. My parents have told me that my old tape recorder was practically glued to my body until I got the bigger one. Boy was I proud of it. I even dragged it with me out of the house. Eager much!?

I have scanned a photo of me and my friends on our way to first day at school in 1983. We were 8 and 9 here, and going to start 3rd and 4th grade. Two of the girls are still my best friends. From left: Helen, still friend, me, Eva, still friend, Annette and Julie.



It’s after 12 here now, so I better go to bed.

See you!

Love Monsoon

Gobsmacked

Yea! Inter won 1-0 yesterday’s match in Champions League. So happy! According to me they’re now in second place in the standing. I wish I could have seen Crespo’s goal. Look at him go.

Had a good day at Uni. We had psychology and law. Law seems really interesting. Never thought so, but it makes a lot of sense to learn it. I mean we basically work with the law in our hand. A lot of the decisions we make are based upon the laws. Good teacher too. Tomorrow we start sociology. It’ll be interesting, I think.

I have a girl from Africa in my “small work group” at Uni (5 people), and we have talked from time to time. Her name is Marie José. Today we talked a lot. I asked her, unknowingly, where she came from, and why she moved to Norway. She then said she was from Burundi, and that she moved to Norway because her whole family had been brutally killed in the war. Well except her and one uncle…. Jesus, I was gobsmacked! I told her, in all honesty, that this had me totally speechless and that I didn’t know what to say. She said that that was ok, and continued with; what can you say? I then said that no, what could I say? There is no way I could begin to comprehend even an inch of what that has done to you. She told me more about what she had to watch, and that she was only 9 years old in 1993, when it all started. Apparently it was ethnic cleansing too. Reminded her of Hitler’s Germany she said.

It got us talking and discussing the (classic) imperialism that took place in Africa between 1870 and 1913. An era we should be embarrassed about, in a big way. It is revolting what happened. I really think that so much of what the white people did there have caused a lot of the trouble Africa has with civil wars, guerrillas, genocides, starvation, and so on. They were forced to produce only what the white man needed. This of course led to difficulties in becoming autarkic. (or is it self-supported it is called?!) They were oppressed, killed, plundered, and exploited. When the colonists divided the country they did it almost with a ruler. No races/tribes, culture, languages or religion were taken into consideration when the division took place. Their only interests were power and land/colonies.

Ok, I will shut it now; I could go on forever you see. I have a huge interest and pre-occupation in this topic. I see it as our duty to learn from history. Especially the really dark sides of it like this. For three main reasons; to better understand the world we live in, to try not to make the same mistakes, and to pass on the knowledge. Well, this is mainly my view.

It is soon that time of the month, which means I am in my usual sexy mood because of that. And; as usual it is totally wasted. *lol* Well not entirely of course. It is nice to feel like that, so… All my senses are sharpened, both bad and good. I even listen to music in a different way than normal. Strange I think.

Enough!

Leave with this: How true eh!? Hihi…


Monsoon :-)

Bread rules!

Got up at 05.15 this morning, or should I say night, black night. I can’t stress enough just how much I detest getting up this early. I could never be a baker, because they get up even before “normal” people have gone to bed. Nobody should ever have to get up any earlier than 07.30. Everything else is inhumane. Well not for everyone; my own mum willingly and insanely (according to me) gets up at around 5. First of all because she likes some quiet time and secondly she does it to keep dad company in the morning. That’s love for you. hehe…

Ok, I will admit it. I have stopped the diet. My friend Irene thought it was mental to go on such a strict diet, especially for me. I am after all a “recovering over-eating disorder person”. She then consulted our mutual and brilliant psychologist friend, Agnete, and they came to the conclusion that I should stop. They thought it would mess up my head too much, and maybe destroy everything I have managed and built up in the last two years. Plus my blog friend Lilie agreed with them, judging by her comment. So then after talking to mum as well, I decided to stop. I will try to do so without getting disappointed in myself. At 6 o’clock this evening I ate some bread. I tell you; I ate it with the biggest smile on my face. Sooooo good. Sigh. I know it sounds like I haven’t eaten bread in four years, but when depriving oneself from “normal” stuff; it makes two days feel like a gazillion. So there you go, I am no longer de-carbodrated. *lol* Also; in the split of a second; the headache was gone too. Amazing, and great, as my head was near explosion. However; I will eat healthy… Honestly. I am worth it. Plus should I have any chance on finding myself a man some day in the far future, when B is “forgotten”, I need to be thinner. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune doesn’t drool over fat girls. *lol* (stole some of Jane Austen’s great starting sentence in Pride and Prejudice)

My flat needs cleaning. Is there anyone out there who likes the cleaning business? Please, by all means feel free to wipe your dusters around here. I promise I won’t be in the way. In fact I’ll leave the flat while you are at work. Housework is the kind of work that nobody notices if you do it, but everyone notices if you don’t. Isn’t that true? It is also so completely useless. Well the dusting is. You wipe the TV and then three seconds later there’s tons of dust on it. How ungrateful. I’d like to enjoy housework, and I certainly would LOVE to be a fantastic cook, but right now this is more me:

Viking, the local football team has hired a new coach. Not my first choice, but he didn’t want the job so… I hope he will be great for the team, especially for their spirits. There are several Champions League matches today, but of course no Norwegian channel is going to send the one I want to see. Aaargh! I have, let me count, 8 pure sport channels, plus some other ones that do send sport, but none of them are sending Inter versus Sporting Lisbon. Ah well, what can you do really? Hope they win though.

I leave today, far less hungry and messed up, plus much happier than yesterday.

Monsoon