It's about sex again

Holy crap. Every day, in a gazillion adds on the web, and everywhere I look, there are adds for increasing your sex drive. If people weren't feeling stressed about having to feel horny all the time, and being ready to go all the time, these adds surely don't help. I mean, you see it all over, and so you feel that if you don't feel up to it at least 5 times a week, there must be something wrong with you. Or maybe you just don't get turned on by your partner any more? Because apparently it is normal to be horny 100 % of the time. What, do they want men to walk around with enormous erections at all times? That sounds a bit impractical if you ask me. Can you imagine all the male teachers going around like that? (although for me, that would probably be cool, as I am well-known for my weakness for teachers... ;-)) Or priests, or your dentist? *lol* Do they want women to be constantly erected, slightly less visible than the men I might add, as well? Like that is a good thing!? It doesn't fucking help to pop pills like there's no tomorrow, if you want your sex drive to be hardy. It's all in one's head, most of the times. I know that some people have rare conditions that might impact the sex drive, and also that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine can reduce the sex drive, but I am not talking about people affected by this, as that is a whole other discussion. Mind you, I think that just because it says on the side-effects that change in the sex drive might occur, "everyone" who takes those pills, experiences it. I shall not hide the fact that after the almost-rape and verbal abuse 10 years ago, I took anti-depressant for 10 months. However, I did not experience a decrease in my sexual lust. The one time I had "problems" with reaching an orgasm during sex, throughout these 10 months, it was more due to the fact that some memories of the abuse became a little too familiar. Luckily, I got over that fairly quickly! 

Anyway, back to the urge to make us feel weird if we aren't over-horny wankers the lot of us. I think it sends a very wrong picture. Can't people just be as horny as they are in their own, and want to be? Must we all be super humans? I feel they want us women to be the best nurturing mums, the compassionate friend and daughter, taking care of everyone, being a true lady, but then as night falls, suddenly we must transform ourselves into these sexual beasts that want only one thing, and wanting it several times. Lady in the street, tramp in the sack... For many women this transition is a really hard one to make. The nurturing mum, feeding your child breast milk, and then 10 minutes later your husband wants to suck on that same nipple, and suddenly it's supposed to feel sexy?! It can't be easy, not at all. Now, I don't have children, and as I am 36 and have eyes only for one, hot-damn guy who's 55, I am foreseeing with my psychic abilities that the probability for me having a child is quite on the low end of the scale. So, I don't know how I would react to that transformation from soft mum to vixen within ten minutes, but something tells me I could do it. I am a bit on the odd side of things when it comes to the sexual matters, as I have addressed before in this very blog. Of course many women can do it as well, but I am just feeling for all those women, and men, who feel pressured to measure up and can't quite make it to where they feel they must be... It must be so annoying to see such adds all the bleedin' time! 

I, on the other hand, sometimes think to myself when I read stuff like: " have no sex drive? Try these pills, they will increase your drive with 25%", that could you possibly find pills that do the opposite? Because I am one horny woman of 36 who haven't had sex in over 5 years, and I am telling you; I'd love to go one day without being insanely wanton, and "having" to ride the one armed bandit a LOT! Seeing Bob didn't exactly help this particular matter. Could I want him more!?! On any level!? NOOOOO!!! The way he moves, oh dear God, just kill me now. He is insanely sensual and his hands move in the most enticing ways. I think I'd pass out if he just brushed his hand against my thigh, even for one second... Haha! 

I say let people decide for themselves what is normal for them. Some couples are at it a lot, others aren't. What is normal to one person, is normal, even if the next person isn't the same. The trick is to find one who is horny approximately as much as you are. From past experiences I know that that is really important, to me at least. I wish these were things one could ask on the first date, without being looked at as a mental person just waiting for the men in white frocks:

- when are you the most horny, like during the day?
- are you willing to play, learn and explore your sex life?
- do you find that you trust you penis to do all the work, and that's it?
- are you aware of the fact that you have fingers and a tongue?
- will you accept the fact that your woman masturbates, in addition to having sex with you?
- do you frown upon erotic/porn films?

I am sure I could add more questions, but that's all for now. I have written a lot of thoughts and yet probably not concluded with anything, but that's just it; there aren't any real solutions. I just wish the media and advertising industry would let us be, and let us have the sex drive we have, unless it bothers us, then we'll get help. This way we just feel pressured to be constantly horny and ready, and that isn't right...


Love and light - Monsoon -

It's all medical

Argh! I hate cancer, but then, who doesn't! One of my oldest, nearest and dearest friends Eva just learned that her dad has lung cancer. This is a man I've known all my life, and I grew up with him and his family as my nearest neighbours. I still live on the same housing estate... They only learned it on Friday, and Saturday was the day we were going to Tonstad to celebrate Eva's son Ernst's 1st birthday. Ernst is my godchild and he is so cute! The party wasn't cancelled, despite the circumstances. So, we drove the 1, 5 hour up there, into the mountains and valleys, surrounded by beautiful autumn colours. Spectacular scenery with fjords, rivers, huge mountains and trees. (could never live there myself though, as I need the open and flat nature we have here) We had a very nice day, they're such a great bunch of people and I care so much for them. I just pray he will get well and conquer this. They don't know the progress of it yet, and so let us hope it was caught early.

these are some photos I took when I went up to Tonstad August 2009. It gives you an idea of the scenery. This first one shows what a lot of the road up there looks like.








One fisherman and a mountainside



My mum wasn't operated on Thursday after all. As it turned out, she just felt that it was totally wrong to do the back surgery before the hip surgery. She laid awake all night, just feeling it in her whole body. She could hardly breathe and had a really physical reaction. So when she came to the hospital the next day she told the surgeons, and for once they listened. They ordered x-rays, and when they saw them they nearly fainted, as there wasn't any bone left around the left hip. It was literally just hanging there. No wonder her left foot has shrunk in length, and no wonder she can't even make it to the mailbox... So, coming Tuesday a very big and difficult hip surgery might take place, and if not, in a couple of weeks. I am so glad she felt that there was something wrong. Thank God for intuition and stuff.

I am still feeling all kinds of things towards the Bob business. And because of all that I sleep really badly at the moment. Wow. Could he be more magic in his ways? I won't bore you with more details though. Except maybe a poem...

In there

In the weeping grass
that's where I will be
In the eyes of a child
that's where you will find me
Forever swept into your heart
In your laughter, in your gaze
In the songs you listen to
that's where I will be
In the hidden secrets
that's where you will find me
Perpetually entwined between the words they speak
The things they convey in sad lines of ink
In the shouting silence of
words not written, words not spoken, words not thought
That's where I will be

Rather uninspired, or empty mind, so I will sign off...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Sweet'n lo

It's been a bit rough after that whole "D-day". You know, when I saw him and all that. I just love him, and need him, it's just that simple really. Or, difficult as it happens... I am not depressed or anything like that. I'm just sad. Thoroughly so. It feels like he is engraved into my corneas, as I "see" him all the bloody time. Gosh! We both LOVE The Who, and sometimes when I listen to them, and get totally into the music, I feel like he is there, breathing in my neck, enjoying the music with me. He feels near, I guess. And so, sometimes I can't bear to listen to them, because it just reminds me again and again. It's all like a cut that keeps being ripped open and left bare and sore. So, of course that is why I must try even more to get it all on a distance, and I have plans to execute in order to give it another try. Not just quite yet though, for reasons I won't get into. God knows, I've talked a lot about him in this blog. Enough for now.

I'm still loosing weight, of course. I mean, it was the whole object of going through with the surgery and that so... I am happy with the result so far. I've lost 64 kilos. (lbs 140,8) It's a whole person! I am also feeling really good about myself lately, and better by the day. Never mind the negatives surrounding it, I just don't notice them anymore. Nothing can get me that down. It's just the freedom of being able to move so freely. I can sit in ways I haven't been able to in years and years. I can walk, stand, sleep in many varieties. Before the surgery I made a list over things I couldn't do, for either physical or emotional reasons. I won't write them here; the list is long, and also because some of them are too personal and even of a sexual matter... ;-) So let's just say I can do many many of them now, and it is liberty. It's like I've been confined to one room, and now am able to roam freely wherever and however I want and need. There are still a few things I can't do, physically, but I'll get there soon enough. "Stand back and watch me shine" Rachel Fuller cleverly sings, and that is actually how I feel now. Just watch me come to life again, watch me reclaim my body and soul, the true me, watch me truly live life, embracing it, and just loving and appreciating everything it holds. It's good to be so positive, when just a year ago it was so much darker to be me in this judgmental and prejudiced world.

My mum is having back surgery this Thursday, and I am scared for her. Please pray for her! She will also have to undergo another hip replacement surgery, because her left hip (which is artificial) is worn out. She was born with something called hip joint dysplasia, and has lived her whole life in constant pain. Now, she has trouble even going out to get the mail and do normal chores. I don't know how she does it, and still keeps herself sane. She is my hero.

Well, it's way past midnight, so off to bed, or something... ;-)

Love and light - Monsoon -

Oh, hello!

First phase of "the coming over him project" happened this week. I saw him and talked to him, even though he didn't recognise me at first. I have lost a lot of weight since he last saw me, and I now have longer hair too. I won't write what happened, only this: it was just amazing, perfect and fantastic to see him. I had almost "forgotten" just how insanely gorgeous he is. *oh dear God*

In the last years I've written many poems/songs, and a few weeks ago I started putting them up on this online place . Your poems can be criticized and commented on by other people, and also a poet/writer/poem critique, comments on chosen poems every day too. Every month they present "poet of the month" and stuff. I've gotten great reviews for a few of mine, and it is oh so exciting. I've written one very short concise one which is about the sexual act. One man called it a pleasure to read and that romance permeates the poem in a way rarely seen... I thought that was really cool. Because the poem is without romantic clichés and bombastic words, and yet he was able to get the romance out of it nevertheless. I will continue putting some poems up every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have written like 10 only in the last week. They've been in Norwegian all of them so...

I am job hunting at the moment, and I've found that doing so isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or let's review that, maybe it is, because rumour has it, it actually sucks! Yup! It does. Only one interview after a gazillion applications. You'd think I didn't have a 3 year bachelor degree. I guess they weren't meant for me. It is the way I HAVE to think, otherwise I'd go bonkers. And the one I got interviewed for was totally different in real life than the job description said. Annoying. So that one I had to let pass, for personal reasons that I won't elaborate on here. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't worked after finishing Uni last year, and that I don't have any new references. So now I've asked a person to be my reference, and he said yes. So at least he is new. I might also try to get hold of an old teacher from the social work study. I know she would have things to say, and hopefully good things too. Anyway, I just have to keep positive and believe that the right job will surface and it will be great! :-) I am in such a great fucking mood lately that this isn't going to kill my mojo!

I am leaving you with various photos from around Norway that I find stunning. I live in a beautiful country.

Love and light - Monsoon :-)


 




 

Baaaah...

I've never had this few readers for as long as this blog has existed. I mean, in two days, ONE reader. Now that's just sad. Should I perhaps take the hint? Yes, I guess so. Maybe I will terminate this whole thing. As I've said before; this has turned into something I didn't really want it to. But then, it's like you can't help what you write about. I am no great writer, and so it is a challenge to keep it interesting. Sorry really... I will ponder upon this for a few months and then make a decision as to if I want to delete the whole thing. But first I must save it somehow. You can make "books" of it, with comments and all, and I'd like that, as a memory. You know for my late 80s, sitting in an old folks home reminiscing. :-)

I've been to the chiropractor today, for the first time in my life. Or, I was there last week too, but then he just pushed and felt around to find out if I was totally unfixable. He then ordered x-rays of my whole body, before he could do anything, just to be sure. My mum has been going to him for 16 years, so he came highly recommended. If it weren't for him my mum couldn't have stood erect a lot of the time. When I was there last week he said something so nice, or rather, he didn't mean to be nice, but it was great to hear, as I saw he was serious. After talking for around 5 minutes he said; well, first we have to fix something, it says here that you are born in 1974, but that must obviously be wrong. You must be much younger than that... I said, nope I am 74 model, so it's correct. He stared at me and said; are you kidding me, wow, you look fantastic. (he is 42 himself) Aawhh... Made my day. Especially since I've felt SO flippin' old looking after the weight loss and all. You know, loose skin and the works! Today he totally broke my bones in all directions. Such a weird feeling. My neck especially made so many LOUD noises that even he started to laugh. They fecking made an echo in there! Haha!

Well, it's not like I have anything really interesting to write about, is it... Inspired much, or not!? *lol* So I will just stop here.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Muuuusic

Wow, this has been the worst day in years. I see no reason to try to explain it all, just trust me on it; it's been terrible. Just for the record; no one is sick, injured or anything like that, it's just stuff... and somehow I just needed to say that certain things are sucking really badly right now, and then just leave it at that.

At least I'm loosing weight again. Stood still there for a whole month, which now feels like a waste. It was my own damn fault, so no one to blame this on but myself. That is why I have stepped up and looked to the future again. To the future in which I am slender-ish. Not the one where I still stuff my face, or like this last month; eat way too little and things low in real nutritional value. So, as of today I've lost a little over 130 lbs. Yay. Which is 59 kilos. Also, my BMI has gone from a WHOPPING 60! to a 38,7. That is a good thing my friends!

I have listened to "The Who" a lot today. Could I LOVE them more!? They fucking rock for real! And so, of course I've had several musical orgasms. :-) I call them musical orgasms, because they make me feel so good, so high, so hot, so alive, so excited, and at times even almost aroused. Is that odd? If it is, I don't care so much. Music gives me so much, as well you know. After listening, my arms were actually hurting because I had been "playing the drums" and digging the music so much. Sometimes I want to be in the 70s, and be a teen. An hormonal raging mad teen, being wild and out of control, listening to rock, hating the world, being opposed to everything and everyone. I'd listen to The Doors, Who, Deep Purple, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, etc etc, and, although I know it's wrong, I'd smoke weed and see where the music carries me in the high. I've never tried any sort of narcotics, and somehow I actually am curious about it. But, I guess it's kinda normal. The forbidden and illegal is a bit alluring isn't it. But, it will continue to be something I just wonder about...

9 years since September 11th and the tragedy on Manhattan... I'll never forget that day. Unreal. My thoughts go out to all those involved in one way or another... 

Back to the music...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Such a revolution

Apparently I am an incredibly emotional person. I guess all my life has been spent eating myself out of those said feelings, not daring to grasp what they were telling me. Eating them away was my way of subduing myself. Self-medicating on sweets, ice-cream and crisps. Lovely. When I look back I can hardly remember the time when I didn't do this. I know that I didn't do it, properly, until I was around like 19, but a lighter version started already at 16. That is 20 years of trying to be something I am not. Trying to be tough, happy on the outside, taking care of everyone else's needs and letting myself go, because why should I matter? When I met Bob, a lot of those negative thoughts and low self-worth vanished into thin air. At least the process was revolutionary started then... It was like I finally saw myself for who I really am, who I was meant to be. I understood that I was worth being loved, even by me. One time Bob and I were talking in his office. He was trying to pay me a compliment, and I was being my usual negative me. He was bragging about me too. Yet, I just couldn't receive it, and just left. But then, after about 2 hours I thought to myself, heck, why shouldn't I take that compliment. I went back to his office and told him so. He looked at me with the strongest gaze I have ever felt, (I am telling you, my heart was palpitating like mad) and almost strictly, and yet loving and tenderly and said with strength, while slamming his hand so hard on his desk; "Yes, "Monsoon", accept the compliment, God knows you're worth it!!" I nearly died. I stared at him, couldn't speak, the moment was frozen, and my tears just started running down my cheeks, and I had to get out of there. I have never seen a person mean something SO badly before, nor have I ever felt more loved than in that very moment. And more importantly; for the first time I let myself be truly loved and feel worthy of it. That incident sticks with me, as well you can imagine.

Anyway, as I was saying, eating my through life I was. However, as I can't, and won't, do that now, I tend to cry a lot. I think it was about time I paid attention to it all, because gosh, could I BE more intuitive!? I feel so much, and strongly, about so many things, places, relationships, etc, it's just thoughts and gut feelings as long as the eye can "see". So, I have decided to try to understand where it's coming from and what to do with it all. It's going to be a long, gnarly and never-ending journey, but I think it is worth it. It's part of who I am. And as another part of trying to love and appreciate myself, and to be true to who I am, this is just another element of it.

I want to share this poem/song/whatever/scribbly-doodle with you

I don't want to, any more


How long is this going to be?
This state of mind, this pain and grief
How did it start, yes; how? how?
On a winter morning, when I first saw you
A revolution, I will never forget

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How ardently I adore you
Your passion, all that is you, always,
When you are around, I see you
No escaping the intensity in those brown eyes
Such a revolution, every time

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you,
But I don't want to love you any more

How your presence strengthens me
and yet also shatters me
Your words make me wiser, I want to learn
How you give me nothing and yet everything
There is no reality, there is no you and me

How one look can suffice, and create certainty
Through you, I see life
No words needed, I understand anyway
How can I go on searching for it?
When you have showed me perfection

I see you, my heart crumbles
I long for you, I need you
But I don't want to love you any more


That's all I had to say today. Hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Semi-Demi

Weird mind in the last days. I shall not elaborate, because I think most people won't' be able to understand my peculiarity... Plus, how difficult is it not to try to explain intuition, gut feelings, and alike, in writing. Very hard indeed. Suffice to say; I feel something is going to occur or change...

So, I've been what you can call totally inept as to feeling good about myself, in most ways. I have felt really not attractive and stuff. Even as I have lost weight, I have found bad things to say about myself. I've just been blinded by the negatives, such as increased levels of lines and wrinkles, loose skin etc etc, instead of focusing on the positives. I have vouched to try to stop it. Why should I be my own biggest enemy? It is super duper silly. My first step is huge really. It is to love my own face straight out of the shower; red eyes and all. (My eyes are always red and sore after a shower, as is my skin...) So, as the blog title says; I am doing a Semi-Demi and posting a picture of my face right after a shower. Absolutely NO make-up. Yes, I am quite blond around the eyes, aren't I?! I call it a semi-Demi because Demi Moore posted pictures of herself, taken by her, in her bathroom, with little clothing on her... And as I was only wearing underwear too, but only showing my face; hence the semi part. :-)


It's period time. But I am not going to complain. I love that I get it, every month, almost on the day. Love it, because due to my obesity I was without for nearly 10 years. I could only produce one with the help of hormonal pills. So, yes, I welcome it, as then I know things are working as they should. What a blessing that is! However, when this is nearing I always feel incredibly emotional. It says a lot when I cried watching Jessica Simpson's "The Price of Beauty". OK, it was touching when she helped a Vietnamese lady, but still... You just get so much more sensitive, don't you? Heck, even the sex drive changes during it all. It is boosted! Mine is at least. Also, me, and many other women I've talked to, get super sensitive vaginas, especially during the period itself. So, your sex drive is through the roof, your vagina is ready to make you come like in a second, and yet, most women don't feel up to it, because of the obvious obstacle of what having your period means... It's almost criminally unfair! One of life's ironies. But, have you also noticed that you feel more powerful as a woman just before, and during, your period. I feel like I could conquer the world or something.

One of my facebook friends had written something I found insanely funny today. She is apparently holidaying in Turkey and sun bathing is obviously a big part of it. This is what she wrote: "You know you're badly sunburned when a little girl at the beach shouts to her mum; "Muuum, that red girl scares me!"

I'll go now. A short post is better than no post, right!?

Much love xxx