Mindless mumbo jumbo

I started this study because I want to help/support/empower people to get out of whatever difficult situation they’re in, and for whatever reason. As I read I find myself agreeing with one of the authors. She says about her own years of studying social work: “I thought this was about learning about other people. But it wasn’t long before I learned that it had just as much to do with me learning about myself.” This is so true! I have actually had to put down the books sometimes, as emotions rise high. It hits close to home. I think to myself: Is this allusive?” God, it stirs me up!

I have come to a decision. In order to try even harder at letting go of the always present Mr. B himself, I have chosen to try get totally pre-occupied with my studies. (GOD I miss him though!!) To focus on what’s important to me right now; which is to get an education. So I will learn for the sake of learning, not just good grades, explore, expand and grow and so on. Take pleasure in becoming the best social worker I can turn into.

I am exceptionally emotional at the moment. And have been for the past two weeks. I don’t know what it is. Well, I do know some reasons, the most apparent ones, but the more underlying ones are harder to pinpoint. I feel I am in a phase of transition in my soul, and life in general. Can’t really explain, but I hope that it will get clearer as time goes by. Like I’ve said before; sometimes I wish I were a robot. Emotions are fucking my life up, no doubt. And I am not one for living in repression either. I can’t disavow what’s inside. Neither can I hide it for me, or anyone else. I have to live, feel and be honest, in all aspects like that. Can’t go around pretending everything is grand. “I don’t bottle up my feelings, as it isn’t good for me”. I am sad, but simultaneously I am becoming more content also, which I am grateful for. It’s all my own work with my mind and social life.

If I may sound/be silly; I miss a few things, physically, like crazy! When you're used to intimacy for 6 years, and then in the split of a second it's all gone... Drives me nuts with longing.
Especially towards a certain someone. I've never been near him that way, and I can  practially feel how my hands want to touch him. For some reason; his hair, hands and cheeks in particular. I also miss kissing. I love it. It's so intimate and the feeling of your love's lips, oh kill me now! But not as much as a tongue in sight, except my own... *lol* 

Jabber, jabber, jabber. I am sure this was all very interesting, to hear me talking about things like this. Ah well! It’s my blog, isn’t it!? *lol*

I will leave you go now.

But before I go; try to log on to the Internet using these instructions, found in a Hotel in Asia. Good one! Hihi...

Monsoon :-)

Chatterbox Club

Hi!

I don’t know why, but for some reason I am not very into my own mind at the moment. Probably trying not to think about the not so good aspects of my life. This results in difficulties in writing. The things I have inside are too private to talk about in here, and I am sure they would be misconceived anyways... I want to share these photos by an artist. He does street paintings. So realistic! Amazing, I must say.




Here's a new "learn more about me" thing... Oh so exciting! *lol*

I AM: Tired and numb and a bit happy too.

I WANT: To forget… To sleep for a very long time… To be a fantastic student.

I WISH: I could speak more languages, like Italian, Russian and Polish. And I also wish to be better at Spanish.

I HATE: The injustice of the world. Animal cruelty. Hypocrisy, prejudice and impoliteness. Also my own weakness and fatness.

I MISS: B.., my friends that don’t live around here, Beata in Poland, my Irish “family”, having someone around, my cat Bastian, being able to run really fast,

I FEAR: I won’t reveal my worst ones, it’s too personal, but I don’t like spiders and heights.

I HEAR: Everything, my hearing is “effen” brilliant. *lol*

I WONDER: About almost everything. I have a thoughtful mind. Drives me nuts sometimes.

I REGRET: Over the past two years; a lot! But I regret what I didn’t say and didn’t dare to do.

I AM NOT: Good at keeping a spotless flat.

I DANCE: A lot. I love it, and it frees me.

I SING: Soooo much! I even “mime” the words of the songs I listen to on my media player, when on the train. I can’t sit still when music is being played.

I CRY: Don’t get me started. I take to the tears easy, especially during my period time. When I feel vulnerable there are a lot of tears… I had to stop an “attack” going to school today. It was a Pete Townshend son that almost had me in tears; “Let my love open the door”.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: calm and collect. When students in my class talk during lectures like they’re in the middle of some "Chatterbox social club" gathering. Even after the teacher tells them to stop, they just can’t shut the fuck up. It drives me mental, and I just want to go back there and “strangle” them… It is impolite, rude, disrespectful and ruining it for us who actually want to learn. My thought in this case is; “and you guys are going to be social workers!?” Jainey!

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Not a lot. I paint. I write. I make dinner.

I WRITE: three billion tons every day, poems, blog entries, diary, school things, lyrics, books and more.

I CONFUSE: My cat.

I NEED: To become better at everything.

I SHOULD: start believing in myself, not eat as much, exercise, stop liking B, make more friends, stop behaving like I am an “elephant” and not a human and relax.

I START: A lot of stuff…

I FINISH: Worms world party games, paintings, poems, and most of what I start, but perhaps not the most important things…


In week 49 we get the results from our home exam. I am very anxious. I do hope I pass.
Until then it is study study study, and then the European handball championship for women starts. Yea!

Monsoon ;-)

Weird child

Wow. Two days ago since I last sat down to write some crap. Yup, that really is astounding.
Just home from Hege’s. Nice to see her!

So now I sit here with really loud music at 23.15. I can play insanely loud at this hour, because the people downstairs are not here. I love when they’re gone. Then I can sing/scream as much as my heart desires. And it needs to, a whole lot right now. It’s good to get “everything out” that way. Right now it is Roger Waters’ “Pros and cons of hitch hiking” that’s playing. Fucking brilliant! Especially the song Running shoes. But now I want/need some “angry” music. What to put on? Zombie with Cranberries perhaps. Yes… Aah, that’s good. *letting out some steam*

This week has been quite stressing. Started with three new big subjects at school; psychology, sociology and law. So much to read and learn, and I am not through half of it. Have been way too tired to read at all times. Did some studying today, luckily.

I have been reminiscing and looking in my old photo albums today. I love doing that. I am a keeper. I have a cardboard box called “memory things”. Amongst other things there are diaries (I have kept a diary since the age of 10), school diaries, letters, tickets from every place I visited when younger, even cinema tickets, notebooks from when I was a child, “documents” from our Data Detective bureau”, old train tables and lists of what me and my friends wanted to play. We could never decide what to play you see, so we used to write down five things each. I can see that my favourites were.

- Kids in an orphanage (I had seen Annie, *lol*)
- Really rich kids
- Celebrities
- People from some other country. (We then had to talk in a pretend foreign language)
- Poor people, and in particular from the 19th century. (I was weird!)

I totally loved all sorts of play that involved some sort of acting; doing comic sketches for instance. I remember they had these Danish sketch books at he library. I think my loan number was the only one stamped in them, as I had them all the time. It said 1812, 1812, 1812... Sadly most of my friends didn’t get my urges for role-play and acting like this. I especially remember that Eva used to hate when I “forced” her to play foreigners, and to talk pretend Russian for instance. Poor girl. Imagination wasn’t a problem for me growing up, that’s for sure. Another thing I did was to use a tape recorder an awful lot.

I guess we can safely say that my voice is thoroughly documented from the age of 5 until I am like 16 or something. Some of what I've done: I sang songs from “tramteateret’s” TV programmes ( a Norwegian theatre/song group kinda thing), tried to talk English but knew only to count to four, and kept saying one, two, three, four, over and over agian. Talked to myself about my goings-on. Had long monolouges about anything, and within those always a bit of improvised acting. I interviewed mum, dad, my aunt and I even tried to interview my one year old brother, who couldn’t even talk. I was persistent, and on the tape I ask and ask him until he starts sobbing. At 10 I got a tape recorder that had two speakers and a radio too. So on that I recorded myself singing to music being played on my old tiny mono recorder. I was mad into recording. My parents have told me that my old tape recorder was practically glued to my body until I got the bigger one. Boy was I proud of it. I even dragged it with me out of the house. Eager much!?

I have scanned a photo of me and my friends on our way to first day at school in 1983. We were 8 and 9 here, and going to start 3rd and 4th grade. Two of the girls are still my best friends. From left: Helen, still friend, me, Eva, still friend, Annette and Julie.



It’s after 12 here now, so I better go to bed.

See you!

Love Monsoon

Gobsmacked

Yea! Inter won 1-0 yesterday’s match in Champions League. So happy! According to me they’re now in second place in the standing. I wish I could have seen Crespo’s goal. Look at him go.

Had a good day at Uni. We had psychology and law. Law seems really interesting. Never thought so, but it makes a lot of sense to learn it. I mean we basically work with the law in our hand. A lot of the decisions we make are based upon the laws. Good teacher too. Tomorrow we start sociology. It’ll be interesting, I think.

I have a girl from Africa in my “small work group” at Uni (5 people), and we have talked from time to time. Her name is Marie José. Today we talked a lot. I asked her, unknowingly, where she came from, and why she moved to Norway. She then said she was from Burundi, and that she moved to Norway because her whole family had been brutally killed in the war. Well except her and one uncle…. Jesus, I was gobsmacked! I told her, in all honesty, that this had me totally speechless and that I didn’t know what to say. She said that that was ok, and continued with; what can you say? I then said that no, what could I say? There is no way I could begin to comprehend even an inch of what that has done to you. She told me more about what she had to watch, and that she was only 9 years old in 1993, when it all started. Apparently it was ethnic cleansing too. Reminded her of Hitler’s Germany she said.

It got us talking and discussing the (classic) imperialism that took place in Africa between 1870 and 1913. An era we should be embarrassed about, in a big way. It is revolting what happened. I really think that so much of what the white people did there have caused a lot of the trouble Africa has with civil wars, guerrillas, genocides, starvation, and so on. They were forced to produce only what the white man needed. This of course led to difficulties in becoming autarkic. (or is it self-supported it is called?!) They were oppressed, killed, plundered, and exploited. When the colonists divided the country they did it almost with a ruler. No races/tribes, culture, languages or religion were taken into consideration when the division took place. Their only interests were power and land/colonies.

Ok, I will shut it now; I could go on forever you see. I have a huge interest and pre-occupation in this topic. I see it as our duty to learn from history. Especially the really dark sides of it like this. For three main reasons; to better understand the world we live in, to try not to make the same mistakes, and to pass on the knowledge. Well, this is mainly my view.

It is soon that time of the month, which means I am in my usual sexy mood because of that. And; as usual it is totally wasted. *lol* Well not entirely of course. It is nice to feel like that, so… All my senses are sharpened, both bad and good. I even listen to music in a different way than normal. Strange I think.

Enough!

Leave with this: How true eh!? Hihi…


Monsoon :-)

Bread rules!

Got up at 05.15 this morning, or should I say night, black night. I can’t stress enough just how much I detest getting up this early. I could never be a baker, because they get up even before “normal” people have gone to bed. Nobody should ever have to get up any earlier than 07.30. Everything else is inhumane. Well not for everyone; my own mum willingly and insanely (according to me) gets up at around 5. First of all because she likes some quiet time and secondly she does it to keep dad company in the morning. That’s love for you. hehe…

Ok, I will admit it. I have stopped the diet. My friend Irene thought it was mental to go on such a strict diet, especially for me. I am after all a “recovering over-eating disorder person”. She then consulted our mutual and brilliant psychologist friend, Agnete, and they came to the conclusion that I should stop. They thought it would mess up my head too much, and maybe destroy everything I have managed and built up in the last two years. Plus my blog friend Lilie agreed with them, judging by her comment. So then after talking to mum as well, I decided to stop. I will try to do so without getting disappointed in myself. At 6 o’clock this evening I ate some bread. I tell you; I ate it with the biggest smile on my face. Sooooo good. Sigh. I know it sounds like I haven’t eaten bread in four years, but when depriving oneself from “normal” stuff; it makes two days feel like a gazillion. So there you go, I am no longer de-carbodrated. *lol* Also; in the split of a second; the headache was gone too. Amazing, and great, as my head was near explosion. However; I will eat healthy… Honestly. I am worth it. Plus should I have any chance on finding myself a man some day in the far future, when B is “forgotten”, I need to be thinner. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune doesn’t drool over fat girls. *lol* (stole some of Jane Austen’s great starting sentence in Pride and Prejudice)

My flat needs cleaning. Is there anyone out there who likes the cleaning business? Please, by all means feel free to wipe your dusters around here. I promise I won’t be in the way. In fact I’ll leave the flat while you are at work. Housework is the kind of work that nobody notices if you do it, but everyone notices if you don’t. Isn’t that true? It is also so completely useless. Well the dusting is. You wipe the TV and then three seconds later there’s tons of dust on it. How ungrateful. I’d like to enjoy housework, and I certainly would LOVE to be a fantastic cook, but right now this is more me:

Viking, the local football team has hired a new coach. Not my first choice, but he didn’t want the job so… I hope he will be great for the team, especially for their spirits. There are several Champions League matches today, but of course no Norwegian channel is going to send the one I want to see. Aaargh! I have, let me count, 8 pure sport channels, plus some other ones that do send sport, but none of them are sending Inter versus Sporting Lisbon. Ah well, what can you do really? Hope they win though.

I leave today, far less hungry and messed up, plus much happier than yesterday.

Monsoon

Is there life?

Woo hoo… *lol* This has been a dreary day, and not to mention hungry day. ME WANT REAL FOOD! *drooling and practically dying in front of the fridge* (ever so slightly exaggerated!?) This diet thing makes my seriously mental in the head, already… *lol* I am in Headache City and Psycho Ville! In addition; so hungry it hurts.

"My” coacher doesn’t answer my mails, so I am not sure whether to stay on this thing or not. Firstly he hasn’t told me how much to eat, how frequent, what to eat together with what, and so on, so how will I know? Secondly I am basically only doing it to get those two free sessions to give to my friend. But now I am starting to think that there’s something not right. I can’t be bothered to live like a rabbit for ten consecutive days without that “prize”, no way. I will of course eat healthy, and I mean really healthy. Not semi-healthy like the past 2, 5 months. I would like to be able to allow myself to eat some bread and meat though. Wait what was that? Ooh. It was the chicken filets calling me from the freezer. They want me to eat them. God! I am such a freak! If I can’t live one day without meat, what’s to become of me? I am smiling cause I find myself amusing right now. Like I have never gone one day without meat before. Of course I have. Jainey, it just seems so much worse today. It must be the mix of the lack of meat, Tab, bread and carbs in general. Yeah… I am “de-carbodrated”

Only good things about today have been Malin’s visit, and the Msn chat with dear Irene. And music, let’s not forget music! Always a treat! Which reminds me; I have been wanting to post this lovely picture of the “In The Attic” gang. Aaawh… Aren’t they cute?


It is Rachel Fuller with her beloved Pete (who can blame her?), Pete’s brother Simon Townsend, and in the back is fabulous Mike Cuthbert. It is Rachel and Mikey’s show, but both Pete and Simon appear quite frequent too, either as musicians or technicians…

*chicken filets, salmon filets, chicken mince, steaks*

Also according to some feminists this is porn:

I have one question for you guys: Have you ever, I mean ever, watched pornographic pictures or films? Apparently not, because that doesn’t look like this at all. I can assure you! This to me shows one women in her very nice underwear. Nothing more. She doesn’t spread her legs or put a finger in her mouth and suck it while looking at “you” with lust in her eyes… She just sits and stands around her apartment wearing underwear. Yes, I can see where you find that pornographic. If “Hennes and Maurits” or H&M, is to advertise their knickers and bras, how do you suggest they do it? With trousers and sweaters hiding what’s underneath? I am exceptionally sick and tired of these know-it-alls that apparently have nothing to do with their time, except dig up so-called problems and complain about them. I don’t agree with you, not at all.

Monsoon

B..

This is a very long, strange and silly post

What have you done to make yourself proud today...

… A question raised in a TV programme I watched. I felt as if they asked me this. It kind of hit home, if you know what I mean. So I asked myself that very same question, and came to the horrible realization that; nothing.
- Nothing was my answer. If that isn’t dreadfully sad then I don’t know what is. To be 32, a seemingly intelligent girl, and sitting here wasting her life not feeling proud of fucking anything she does. Ok, I admit I do things that I am proud of, for others, but nothing for me. I am so not looking out for number one. I just live in this semi-healthy-life which just keeps me on the same weight, and which also kills my true spirit by the minute.

I am not all I can be. The Monsoon you see isn’t what I truly like being. The real me has much more true confidence, always smiling, great spirit, she is content, social and loves to meet new people. I am a shadow of what I have aspirations and possibilities of being. It makes me sick. So sick I want to scream out loud and smack my head. Get a grip you silly twat! Bob released the true me, so I was able to enjoy 1, 5 years of freedom. He opened my eyes in a way, so that I could see myself from the outside, and to see that I was worth making an effort for. Now that I don’t have that, it’s hard. I tend to judge and put myself down. Nevertheless; truth be spoken; he isn’t here anymore. He never will be. His heart, mind and body belong to someone else. So I will have to get a grip and find the spark within. I am so tired of this fight with myself, as that’s what this feels like. It wears me out.

I have had it with this behaviour, and so I will start that challenge thing my coacher gave me, tomorrow. It is gonna take all my energy, but I will conquer this!
Things in my student life are hard for me, and that doesn’t exactly help with the whole eating thing. I don’t want to say anything more about it, other than what I hope for, which is being able to say this, and mean it: "To hell" with all you prejudiced and stuck up people.

Despite the “sadness” of this post I feel determined and strong today. I believe in me, who I want to be, and how I want to be perceived. I will go and “bake” the life I want for myself. I know one ingredient that forever will be missing, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have the good life I want. I just need a replacement, like in baking… One replaces the expensive and magnificent saffron with the similar, yet not so exclusive, turmeric. *lol* It might take an insane amount of time and effort, but it must be possible. Why must he feel so important to me? Heck! But as for Bob; I have decided one thing. I have to go on, live, breathe, think, learn, and just be, while he “runs” around in my mind and soul at all times. If it isn’t meant to be, the love will fade some time. (I hope!!) I can’t force myself not to love him. Doesn’t work like that. Love isn’t a button you can press ON or OFF on. I care so much for this man that I could burst. Not to mention physical attraction... Dear God! Probably sound really cliché and silly. True it is though…

Vegar is beeping me on Msn… After: That was a very refreshing conversation indeed!! ;-)

I leave today with hope and determination of an important and big change food wise. This is it.

Monsoon :-)

Wintertime love

Ok, I am just really exasperated right now. I had written quite a long blog entry, and then the phone rang. We got talking, Audhild and I, and in the middle of the conversation I for some reason pressed a key on my computer by mistake. It asked me did I want to save, and since I was in phone-land I pressed no. Then I thought to myself; do you realize what you’ve done!? It was gone! For crying out loud you stupid gin-swilling #/&%*!! … Yes, I do have a tendency to become very mad at myself when acting like a total thick “eejit”…

Anywhoooo… Agnete and I have been to visit Rønnaug, Tommy and their new baby Andreas. It was so great to see them. Andreas was totally cute, and so quiet. Rønnaug’s dad, also named Andreas, was there too. It was terrific to see him, as he is such a great guy. We had an awfully nice time. Agnete and I also got to talk a lot in the car back and forth, which was fab. I can’t wait for Christmas to come. Because then all my friends who live away come home. Most of them. We have been a “gang” for 16 years, and the “we” consist of me, Rønnaug, Agnete, Møyfrid, Judit, Oddbjørg, Irene, Janne and Helene. I love my girls!
Here he is in his cradle by the way.

As you all know I live in Norway. A fairly cold country, especially during winter. I hardly believed my eyes when I two days ago found a rose on my balcony. Seriously; we’re talking midst of November here. It’s not supposed to be roses growing this time of year. How weird. I took a picture of it. However; I am not complaining as I am not particularly fond of snow. Not down here. In the mountains it’s ok, down here, not so much. There is mainly one reason for that: I am scared, beyond stiff, of falling. No wonder eh, as you can imagine the sound and the look of three tons of women falling to the ground. What spectacle! I am pretty sure the shake would be picked up by the Richter’s scale. Picture this headline: *woman fell, caused major quake*. You gotta have some self-irony to endure being and looking like me, ok. *lol* Not to mention how much it would hurt my poor self. My hip is painful enough as it is, I don’t need it to be worse.

I feel a bit uplifted today, so I must enjoy that feeling. Yesterday was fecking brutal in comparison. I can’t get him out of my head. He is too unforgettable and loveable for that.
You know what to do if you’re sick of hearing about it; skip this section. Or if you have already read; try to repress it…

Well, see you all, and have a nice week!

Monsoon