Here I am once again, in front of my computer, as usual. It’s my life. It’s kinda sad, isn’t it?
Ah well… bugger!
Nice day, and I am finally getting a haircut. I can’t wait, I look really horrible. I want to scream every time I look in the mirror. *chills* My mum is driving me to my hairdressers, and then I am walking back to my place. That way I get some exercise at least.
I’ve been bad during Easter, I really have. So I am glad to have managed to start afresh today. I have found out that I am a mental case, honestly. For the third time now I’ve come under a certain number on the scale, and every time I start eating crazy after a few days. What is this? I have tried to find some psychological reason for it, but I can’t. Why do I do this to myself? Silly dim-witted behaviour, that’s what it is. So of course I’ve put on some weight over the last two weeks. Amazing how fast one person can gain weight. Just as amazing is the phase the weight loosing is happening in; SLOW! Luckily it’s not a lot. However; the next time I get below that scary weird number, I am gonna really pay attention to my inner self. What the heck is wrong? Then if I want to eat again I will call my friend Agnete I think, and ask her to spank me. No, kidding, but ask for help basically. She is so smart, and after all she is a psychologist. I feel sometimes though that I “use” her, if you know what I mean.
Must bloody well lose weight, I must!!! Please God! I am sure I will die very young if I don’t, and I don’t think I want that…
All I’ve listened to today is Neil Young. Adore him so! “A man needs a maid” – heard that song three times. Love it. Occasionally his voice almost creeps inside of me, making me feel vulnerable and sore. His voice is aching sometimes, it truly is.
I wish to say a special hi with all my love to my friend Laura. You know why yourself. Just want to say; you are in my thoughts dear!
There is only one thing on my mind today, basically, but I can’t reveal it. I have to think about the fact that sensitive souls might be reading, plus the fact that family members have this blog address. Yikes, eh!? That is the only annoying thing about this particular blog. I often feel I can’t write what I think, feel, want and need, if you catch my drift. Because too many people whom I know, read this blog. I have thought about starting a new blog, an anonymous one. Don’t get me wrong; I love this blog and all the new wonderful friends it has given me, by all means!! It’s just that there’s so much of me lurking in the back. Things I need to address; even political stuff… Jabber, jabber.
The Easter holiday has been so Bob-full you have no idea. Fuck it anyway!
I’ve been full of crap in today’s entry, so I think I will stop.
My thoughts fly to you, constantly!
Monsoon
4 comments:
i love that you love neil young that much. he's truly one of the greatest artists ever.
post pics of your new haircut! would love to see it!!! :)
hi my dear friend,
It's all ok, we all may have our share of bad days as well as good days. Life's not that bad. I'm sure happy days are on their way to you.*A BIG HUG*
Wish you the best.
Shahrzad
You say you cannot understand how come we start eating again after achieving so much in loosing weight. That is because eating is like a drug. People do not realize it, but this is true. It is like drinking alcohol or taking drugs. A form of "pleasure" we get addicted to. And we loose weight and then start eating again like a drug junky would start taking drugs again after a period of cure. I have lost 25 kilos and then I gained 30. I saw them adding up, I watched them multiplying every day, but I could not stop. I ate and I ate. I hated myself, I cried and I ate. Then I had to loose 47 kilos. Start all over again. Eating is our pleasure, our drug and sometimes it is just so hard to stop. Hold on there, dearest, do not get upset, do not loose faith. Eventually you will win. It just takes time.
Love,
Lilie
Martha: I too love that I love Neil. *lol* He is, like you say; one of the most amazing artists ever! I will post a picture, but I have to find a good hairstyle first, plus I look so bloated these days. Not tempting to play model then... haha!!
Shahrzad: Thanks for the hug, I hope so too. Bad days come and go, I know...
Momiji: Yes, I know it is like a drug, and I am totally a drug addict as such. Terrible that it has to be such a struggle with my inner self. *drain all my bad out from my head* Thanks my dear, I will try to hold out. What's the option?
Now I am off to eat breakfast...
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