Chaos

My mind is a bit chaotic today, not that there’s any news in that really. I feel extremely restless. I feel I have no time to wait for my life to begin, but I’m too scared, too inhibited by my body to truly live yet. I can’t really explain. I find it all over-whelming and I sometimes just want to go into hiding, disappear, run off to some deserted island, elope, yes, simply not be here anymore. I don’t wish to be dead, I just don’t want to be me, the way I am right now.
I know that it won’t help, not even if I run to the other side of the world. I will still be me, sadly.

I am off to school again tomorrow, and somehow that scares me. Afraid it will be like last year. It gives me the chills to just think about it. Also I have this other thing that is a constant craving in my heart and in my body. You know what I talk about.

Yet, two days ago I posted an entry in a different blog that ended up having a huge impact on me. I posted a letter I wrote to a TV programme called “Puls”. (This is a program about health and stuff) Why?

• I wrote because I wanted to be a voice for all the obese people who are discriminated against, not heard, talked down too, +++.
• I wrote because I wanted them to hear it from me, that I am not stupid, smelly or lazy just because I am obese.
• I wrote to tell them how I feel when I see their debates about overweight and obese people. Where they talk about us as if we aren’t there, as if we are children. They have a very paternalistic attitude towards us. They never ever thought of including an obese person in their programme, to hear what we feel, what we need, to be able to loose weight, what it feels like, why we eat etc etc. Not once. Doctors and dietetic experts can talk all they want, they’ll never find a solution before they ask us!!
  

I wrote an honest letter. Anyways, as I said I posted this letter in another blog, one I have on a website for people who live low-carb lifestyles. I got so many comments on this letter. So many good words, encouragements, and people telling me I am tough, brave, eloquent, cool, beautiful, cute, that I have an aura about me that is unreal and lots more. They found my letter really strong, and it made many of them cry. Reading this had me in tears. As this is something that pre-occupies me, a great deal. I detest the world’s view on fat people. It is hateful and prejudiced. For those who understand Norwegian; you’ll find the letter here
It might not be so interesting if you are not fat/obese, but anyway. It is your choice. You might learn a thing or two about how it feels nevertheless.

Ah I don’t think I have more to day today. I feel enraged inside. Due to everything one has to live through if one is fat/overweight/obese. But luckily there are people who can see beyond, I have met one in particular...

I’ll be back soon with more interesting reading hopefully. Sorry

EV