Venting my head

Ok, venting right now. Danger! Achtung! The following sentences will, without a doubt, contain words about Bob, the one and only.*lol*. If you don’t want to read about it, simply don’t. You are hereby warned!

As you know I saw him last Monday, and it was this year’s most ambivalent occurrence for me. I loved seeing his face, his hair, his neck (yes, I do have this neck fetish when it comes to him…) and his tall body. I so adored looking at him as he stretched himself, and rose up and walked around a little. The way his body moves, is just magic to me. Knees weak immediately. How can anyone move like that? God!!!! So yes, it was insanely over-fantastic to see him. Yet, it was also terror in a way. A HUGE reminder of what I can’t have. That I never will kiss those lips, stroke that face and neck, hold him, and I will never be able to tell him, face to face why he means so much to me. Why I find him the most irresistible person I’ve ever met. To know that I will never hear him speak, talk to him, nor hear his laughter, ever again, makes my heart cave in, and I feel thoroughly empty and broken. (in lack of better words and ways to describe) I want to scream!! I am so restless! Why must I be so darn impossible!?! 

I know that he is taken, that he will never be mine, then how come I can’t manage to forget him? I guess it is like my mum said; you can’t turn off love and care like it was a button. I’ve written a gazillion poems to try to work this out, to forget, to get over it. I’ve painted two paintings that hang together (one symbolizing me and the other him) in my living room to get it all out. Plus a lot more. Nothing helps. Nothing helps the least, and it fucking scares me to death. How long will this go on? What the bloody hell must I do to erase his gorgeous being from my mind? I have tried, really, I have.

I only wish that I could talk to him at least. I want to call/mail and ask him to give me half an hour of his life. 30 measly minutes of his day. Is that too much to ask? Just so that I could look him in the eyes and say what I need to say. That would have made a difference to me I think. I guess it really is too much to ask for. But I thought he respected me, and therefore would find me worthy of such a talk. Argh! I don’t know. I suppose it is a bit late now. I said bye to him last June for crying out loud.

Enough for now. Listening to The Who and feeling sad today. Yet, also glad. ambivalent is my middle name these days, eh!? I’ve lost another kilo, which means 10 kilos (22 pounds) in 8 weeks. Woo hoo for me!

I worked out for the first time in over a month today. Due to pneumonia, I wasn’t “allowed” to exercise, so I didn’t. I am really glad to begin again though. My monster machine is working swimmingly, and I enjoy using it. (shocking eh!?) I listen to Harry Potter on audio book. Time flies, I’m telling you.

Tonight I am going to drive to the airport together with Cecilie (my brother’s girlfriend) to pick up her sister. Cecilie is from way up north in Norway, from Hattfjelldal, and her sister wanted to visit.

Now I have to make some dinner, even though I have no urge to eat what so over. Yuk! In fact the thought of food make me sick, but I have to eat, so there. Never thought I’d lose appetite. Weird diet.

EV ;-)