It is from my 30th birthday, four months before I met Bob. So I was probably at my heaviest ever there. I wasn’t aware that I had pictures form that time, as I usually shunned the camera. But it turned up in an album that my ex did for us. I haven’t looked so much in it, as it used to be so sore to read her comments beside the pictures, so I forgot all about the album. But then I was looking for some childhood pictures to put on facebook, I found this.
I do smile, but I know the pain behind that smile. I loathed myself. I do remember the trouble of breathing properly, moving, sleeping, tying my shoelaces, bending down, having sex, especially one part of it, doing even the smallest little thing had me in severe pain and out of breath. Even turning around in bed made me short of breath. I can still remember the terrible feeling of being totally reliant on someone else for doing many things. I couldn’t even reach around my body to scratch it! I know what it felt like having to wear an ordinary worn-out, way tight, t-shirt and a tracksuit bottom, for a party. My party!! I pretended it didn’t mean anything, but it did. It meant feeling extremely fat, it basically meant being miserable. I promise that for my 35th, I am going to fucking radiate!!!!! Tears are slowly running down my cheeks. Saddened by what I did to myself. Sad I didn’t see the damage. Sad I hated myself so much. Oh dear God! Let me never ever be like that again! And thank you so much for what happened in January 2005! And thank you for the fact that I manage to love myself sufficiently enough to take care of myself.
I haven’t lost more kilos, but today I felt like my HUGE waist had gotten a bit smaller. I was right. I had lost 9 cm/3,5 inches in two weeks. Yikes! I never thought it possible So apparently in the last two weeks, with no weight loss, I’ve lost inches/cms instead. I had lost all over. And so, just for fun, I tried on a pair of pants I used to wear many years ago while living in Oslo. They bloody fit! I was sooo proud when going up to my parents today to show off! Yay!!
I am worn-down right now. This made me thoroughly sad, I am sorry for this post. I am not depressed, just darkened out by it.
EV
9 comments:
congrats on the weight loss. That's so great!! I'm glad that you love yourself...it makes me really happy!
Can't wait to see pics from your 35th birthday. I am positive that at this pace, you'll most definitely be radiating!
huggggzzzzzz! I know how emotionally draining this is, let me just tell you I am proud that you're on the path to a much healthier body (I'm still wallowing in inaction - can't figure out what the heck is wrong with my motivation, it's like I'm still stuck on the self-flagellation!!).
... and it's milestones like yours, fitting into old pants, that help keep the effort going :-)
hugggzzzzzz!!
*lynne*
my dearest! this post made me cry. the pain you felt, I felt all the way down, because I just know how it feels and I also know that until you feel it yourself, this suffering is unimaginable. you went through so much and with a smile on your face too, hiding the pain and the regret, fighting the hate and learning to love yourself and take care of yourself. it all goes way beyond just loosing weight, it is a new life that starts with the very resolution, it is an eternal war with so many battles lost and won. you have a courage that not many have, and you are admirable for that courage. you are a beautiful person, outwardly and inwardly, I wish you all the luck in this new life of yours and many many happy smiles.
Hei sweetie!
Det verkar som om du verkeleg er i ferd med å ta eit oppgjer med fortida di - at du vil bli ferdig med den tida som ligg bak deg og at du VEIT at du aldri vil koma der igjen. Fytti så bra.
Irene
Martha-Anne: Thank you! I am glad too. Very glad indeed!! Yes, let's hope that my 35th will be fabulous, and me looking accordingly!
Lynne: Thanks sooo much Lynne! It makes me so happy to know that you're proud of me! And I know you understand... "Self-flagellation" - made me laugh out loud! You are so funny! Yes fitting those pants had me in shock. I tried them on to see how much more I would have to lose to fit them... *lol*
Momiji: Yes, you are so right my dear. It is a new life, a new start; hence my new name, eh!?! I thank you for your wise words, that show you care and appreciate what it's been like, and how it still is to some extent... Oh your words make me blush, but also smile.
Irene: Kjære vennen min! Ja det er rart med det. Jeg vet ikke helt hva jeg går gjennom, jeg vet bare at jeg ikke noensinne vil la meg falle tilbake dit hvor jeg hater alt ved meg selv. Veien blir til mens jeg går, så det blir spennende å se hvor den leder. Gode steder forhåpentligvis. Takk for kommentar, det betyr mye! Glad i deg, alltid! Klem
Love and thanks to all of you
Eilen Villem *kiss kiss*
Just droppin in to say you hello hoping you're fine!
goodnight, my friend!
Oh honey, my heart bled when I read this post. I just wanted to give you the biggest of hugs.
I know all too well what it is like to smile for the camera but to have no light inside and I hate to think of someone else feeling that way.
I am sure it must have been hard to deal with the day to day challenges involved when your body wasn't the way you wanted it to be - but you survived that part of your life and look at you now! You are radiant and glowing - inside and out. In short you are AMAZING!
You have done the hard part honey, now just sit back and enjoy the blessings and joy to come.
May your heart always be full of smiles and love.
Kisses
Moxie
xxx
PS - Yep CF (Captain Fantastic) is DH (Darling Husband) although he's not doing so well on the 'darling' bit at the moment!
xxx
pps - thanks for the birthday wishes and a big double deffo thumbs up on getting into your thin pants!
xxx
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