This is SO 2005!

Why can't I just rejoice and become wholly taken with good emotions towards the really terrific thing in my life right now, which is losing weight? It bugs me. Instead there is always that constant craving, that constant sub flavour... That thing is always present, lurking at the back of my head. A presence within where only I can feel it, like to taunt me. My stomach is in constant upheaval, you know that feeling you have when you dread something, or actually the feeling you have when you just met someone that you are in love with. Argh! Instead what is happening at the moment is that is keeps getting stronger, and to be honest it feels like it is out of my hands. Because no matter what I do, nothing changes. A long time ago I "surrendered this case to God", and told him that I can't deal with it, I can't see what to do, where to go, how to feel about it, and I don't know what will cure me. I can't say, feel or see that it helped. There have been "quieter" times during these years, but now it's flipping worse than ever. Why? Why now, after not seeing him for over 4 years? I do not get it. I am weary and I just want time to go fast so that I can try the last thing on my list to try to shed this. I can't do it now, I need more time. I will get over it one day. I must! What is there to be learnt from this? I haven't a clue!

The weight is at a standstill at the moment, and I am getting increasingly frustrated over it. I know that I can't expect miracles every day, but it would be really nice to lose some at least. I did lose 6 cm in my waistline in the last 2 weeks, that's something... Maybe it is because I am not content at the moment? I feel drained and unhappy. I have to try getting my zest back. During this week I think around 15 people have come up to me at the grocery shop, at the pharmacy, etc and said: Oh you look so pretty, you are gorgeous, you look great etc etc, and I just smile and say thank you. The thing is though, that right now I don't give a shite, because I don't feel it from within. Did I tell you I must get a grip? Wake up and smell the greatness of what I have, instead of what I don't have: Bob, a job and money... Suck it up "biatch" *lol*

I am thankful for music in my life. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without it. Also, I am forever thankful for all my friends who have stood by me through this. Especially those who never judged and who also believed me when I told them about "it all"... I think Rønnaug has endured the most, and she still doesn't mind me nagging about it. At least she says so... She was here Friday and we had a really fabulous evening. I laughed out loud several times, and it felt good in my whole body.

Sunday morning, and I am soon off for my usual Sunday visit to gran. Look, she knitted me a new hat for winter. I love it. I am enjoying the sun on a cold crisp day on my balcony... Well, on this photo I was out of the sun though, as you can see... :-)  



Well, signing off... Thank God you say!? Yeah, I know... I feel that way too. ;-)  

Love and light - Monsoon -

whatnot

Welcome to Lonely Island, population; ME! At least that's how I feel today, and have for a little while. I am not the usual cheerful me these days. (well, I mean I've been quite cheerful after the surgery and all that...) The thing is, I have felt this type of lonely ever since I left one particular building, four years and four months ago. The one where Bob is. I know you are all more than sick and tired of hearing about him and all the things surrounding this, but if you don't want to read it, skip this post, simple as that. I need to vent, and it is my blog and my "screwed" up heart, mind, soul and body... I used to deal with it by keeping my emotions at bay by eating and stuffing my face, as you all are aware of by now. And, so now I am actually battling it a little. I want to stuff my face, a little bit. Not at all to the same extent as before, but still, it's there. It will be my battle for as long as I shall live, that's just how things are with me. Food and sweets have always been my comfort, and will never stop being so. We all have our own built in, though acting out, "survival kits", and mine is food. Someone else's might be drugs, smoke, alcohol, gambling, sex etc etc... the thing is though, that I have absolutely no lust for food, like from a craving point of view. It doesn't tempt me at all, and I don't feel hungry like ever! Yet, I do want to do what I call "panic eat", "force feed" or "obsessive eat"... I eat, just because it feels like I need it, I MUST have it, or else my life will fall into bits. So, my way of dealing with it right now is writing, I write a lot of poetry about Bob and other stuff too. I write in my journal and I write this blog. In addition I try to be more with friends and to try to have fun basically, to try to fill the obvious VOID that the love of my life left. Because the truth of the matter is, no matter how cliché it might sound; my soul is lonely without him. Almost none of you know the whole story behind this, and that is due to me wanting to protect his privacy, so I will never disclose the whole thing here. I know of course that if I told you, you would probably understand it all a little better. However I respect him too much to jeopardise anything in is life... I just sort of wish that love was easier. I thought I knew love before, but I didn't. And for the first time in my life I totally and utterly love one person, and what luck; he can't be mine. I also sort of wish that the pressure on my chest would leave me alone.


Lonely

It's all so scary at this side of the world
This single loveless place
The emptiness of my heart
The longing for something I don't even know

It's so scary sitting here by myself
Watching and listening
As year after year goes by
And I'm still stuck here
In myself
In my own body
In my own soul
I just sit
Wait
Gaze

It's all so scary in this white room
Where there's no hope for what's coming
Only disillusions and loneliness
And yearning for some truth to unveil itself 


Yeah, sulking and feeling sorry for myself today. That's life I guess.
I'll stop now

Monsoon

Conversing...

So I guess sex is not the way to go, in this blog I mean. Was I perhaps a tad too open and honest about it? It seems you all stayed away from commenting on one subject I for one thought would muster up more than one comment. But, perhaps it was my inconclusive writing that did it? Who knows...

Anyway, here I am again, and I can tell you that that wasn't the last time the aforementioned S-word is on my mind, and therefore also on this blog...

On Friday I had a good friend over. He came at 6 and had to leave at 1 am, because that's when the last train leaves, and he lives 50 km from here so a taxi is out of the question! Those seven hours flew by, and we were really annoyed that he had to leave at that stage. I know many of you might ask why didn't he just stay the night, well, he is engaged and has a live-in girlfriend, so it wouldn't be "appropriate" really. We had such a great evening/night, with food, MUSIC, concerts on DVD, talk, almost peeing my knickers cause I laughed so much, and did I mention music!? Vegar is such a terrific guy, and so much fun. All in all an excellent night.

Started today with a good power walk in the forest, and now I am left with a 'kabooming' headache as a result of that. Thank you! That's a nice prize for trying to be good. The weather was gorgeous and the air fresh, so it did me good too.

On Friday I also got my new pair of Converse All-star shoes. Thanks to my dear friend Ingvild, who lives in London! She ordered them and sent them as a "birthday gift" to me, as they couldn't send them to Norway. But she also did it because of Norway's stupid custom rules. (you can't buy things from abroad for over around £ 20, unless you want to pay a fee + 25 % on VAT for importing the goods! Have I said that I completely and utterly fail to agree with that sum, and also that I loathe the whole idea. I mean, come one, what do you get for £ 20 these days!? Argh!) They are part of a limited edition things where they pay tribute to great "old" bands. I of course got the ones tributed to my beloved "the Who". I wore them grocery shopping yesterday, and I couldn't take my eyes off my feet, seriously. I felt so cool. Odd maybe, but I did... They have the Union Jack (flag) sewed onto them, as The Who are well known for their use of the flag in various ways. Here are a few photos of them. 

Last week I applied for three different jobs. I have my heart set on one of them and I really really hope I'll get it. The job itself isn't my dream job, but the shift is. You work 14 hours a day for 7 days, then you have 2-3 weeks off. It's bloody perfect for a single girl wanting to travel to visit my wonderful (blog) friends around the world! Plus, who's definitely going to Australia to check out Adelaide, and see if I like it enough, and if it tempts me even more then, to go live there? Meeee! :-) So, please send me good thoughts for this job!

Also, CONGRATS to a dear friend Irene and her man, who had a baby boy on the 15th. His name is Oskar and he is their second child. The first one is 3 and is called Herman. Can't wait to see pictures. Another great friend, Judit, is expecting her/their first any day now. 

Well, my head is doing me in, so I think I will have a sizzling date with a hot water bottle.

Love and light - Monsoon -

It's about sex again

Holy crap. Every day, in a gazillion adds on the web, and everywhere I look, there are adds for increasing your sex drive. If people weren't feeling stressed about having to feel horny all the time, and being ready to go all the time, these adds surely don't help. I mean, you see it all over, and so you feel that if you don't feel up to it at least 5 times a week, there must be something wrong with you. Or maybe you just don't get turned on by your partner any more? Because apparently it is normal to be horny 100 % of the time. What, do they want men to walk around with enormous erections at all times? That sounds a bit impractical if you ask me. Can you imagine all the male teachers going around like that? (although for me, that would probably be cool, as I am well-known for my weakness for teachers... ;-)) Or priests, or your dentist? *lol* Do they want women to be constantly erected, slightly less visible than the men I might add, as well? Like that is a good thing!? It doesn't fucking help to pop pills like there's no tomorrow, if you want your sex drive to be hardy. It's all in one's head, most of the times. I know that some people have rare conditions that might impact the sex drive, and also that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine can reduce the sex drive, but I am not talking about people affected by this, as that is a whole other discussion. Mind you, I think that just because it says on the side-effects that change in the sex drive might occur, "everyone" who takes those pills, experiences it. I shall not hide the fact that after the almost-rape and verbal abuse 10 years ago, I took anti-depressant for 10 months. However, I did not experience a decrease in my sexual lust. The one time I had "problems" with reaching an orgasm during sex, throughout these 10 months, it was more due to the fact that some memories of the abuse became a little too familiar. Luckily, I got over that fairly quickly! 

Anyway, back to the urge to make us feel weird if we aren't over-horny wankers the lot of us. I think it sends a very wrong picture. Can't people just be as horny as they are in their own, and want to be? Must we all be super humans? I feel they want us women to be the best nurturing mums, the compassionate friend and daughter, taking care of everyone, being a true lady, but then as night falls, suddenly we must transform ourselves into these sexual beasts that want only one thing, and wanting it several times. Lady in the street, tramp in the sack... For many women this transition is a really hard one to make. The nurturing mum, feeding your child breast milk, and then 10 minutes later your husband wants to suck on that same nipple, and suddenly it's supposed to feel sexy?! It can't be easy, not at all. Now, I don't have children, and as I am 36 and have eyes only for one, hot-damn guy who's 55, I am foreseeing with my psychic abilities that the probability for me having a child is quite on the low end of the scale. So, I don't know how I would react to that transformation from soft mum to vixen within ten minutes, but something tells me I could do it. I am a bit on the odd side of things when it comes to the sexual matters, as I have addressed before in this very blog. Of course many women can do it as well, but I am just feeling for all those women, and men, who feel pressured to measure up and can't quite make it to where they feel they must be... It must be so annoying to see such adds all the bleedin' time! 

I, on the other hand, sometimes think to myself when I read stuff like: " have no sex drive? Try these pills, they will increase your drive with 25%", that could you possibly find pills that do the opposite? Because I am one horny woman of 36 who haven't had sex in over 5 years, and I am telling you; I'd love to go one day without being insanely wanton, and "having" to ride the one armed bandit a LOT! Seeing Bob didn't exactly help this particular matter. Could I want him more!?! On any level!? NOOOOO!!! The way he moves, oh dear God, just kill me now. He is insanely sensual and his hands move in the most enticing ways. I think I'd pass out if he just brushed his hand against my thigh, even for one second... Haha! 

I say let people decide for themselves what is normal for them. Some couples are at it a lot, others aren't. What is normal to one person, is normal, even if the next person isn't the same. The trick is to find one who is horny approximately as much as you are. From past experiences I know that that is really important, to me at least. I wish these were things one could ask on the first date, without being looked at as a mental person just waiting for the men in white frocks:

- when are you the most horny, like during the day?
- are you willing to play, learn and explore your sex life?
- do you find that you trust you penis to do all the work, and that's it?
- are you aware of the fact that you have fingers and a tongue?
- will you accept the fact that your woman masturbates, in addition to having sex with you?
- do you frown upon erotic/porn films?

I am sure I could add more questions, but that's all for now. I have written a lot of thoughts and yet probably not concluded with anything, but that's just it; there aren't any real solutions. I just wish the media and advertising industry would let us be, and let us have the sex drive we have, unless it bothers us, then we'll get help. This way we just feel pressured to be constantly horny and ready, and that isn't right...


Love and light - Monsoon -

It's all medical

Argh! I hate cancer, but then, who doesn't! One of my oldest, nearest and dearest friends Eva just learned that her dad has lung cancer. This is a man I've known all my life, and I grew up with him and his family as my nearest neighbours. I still live on the same housing estate... They only learned it on Friday, and Saturday was the day we were going to Tonstad to celebrate Eva's son Ernst's 1st birthday. Ernst is my godchild and he is so cute! The party wasn't cancelled, despite the circumstances. So, we drove the 1, 5 hour up there, into the mountains and valleys, surrounded by beautiful autumn colours. Spectacular scenery with fjords, rivers, huge mountains and trees. (could never live there myself though, as I need the open and flat nature we have here) We had a very nice day, they're such a great bunch of people and I care so much for them. I just pray he will get well and conquer this. They don't know the progress of it yet, and so let us hope it was caught early.

these are some photos I took when I went up to Tonstad August 2009. It gives you an idea of the scenery. This first one shows what a lot of the road up there looks like.








One fisherman and a mountainside



My mum wasn't operated on Thursday after all. As it turned out, she just felt that it was totally wrong to do the back surgery before the hip surgery. She laid awake all night, just feeling it in her whole body. She could hardly breathe and had a really physical reaction. So when she came to the hospital the next day she told the surgeons, and for once they listened. They ordered x-rays, and when they saw them they nearly fainted, as there wasn't any bone left around the left hip. It was literally just hanging there. No wonder her left foot has shrunk in length, and no wonder she can't even make it to the mailbox... So, coming Tuesday a very big and difficult hip surgery might take place, and if not, in a couple of weeks. I am so glad she felt that there was something wrong. Thank God for intuition and stuff.

I am still feeling all kinds of things towards the Bob business. And because of all that I sleep really badly at the moment. Wow. Could he be more magic in his ways? I won't bore you with more details though. Except maybe a poem...

In there

In the weeping grass
that's where I will be
In the eyes of a child
that's where you will find me
Forever swept into your heart
In your laughter, in your gaze
In the songs you listen to
that's where I will be
In the hidden secrets
that's where you will find me
Perpetually entwined between the words they speak
The things they convey in sad lines of ink
In the shouting silence of
words not written, words not spoken, words not thought
That's where I will be

Rather uninspired, or empty mind, so I will sign off...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Sweet'n lo

It's been a bit rough after that whole "D-day". You know, when I saw him and all that. I just love him, and need him, it's just that simple really. Or, difficult as it happens... I am not depressed or anything like that. I'm just sad. Thoroughly so. It feels like he is engraved into my corneas, as I "see" him all the bloody time. Gosh! We both LOVE The Who, and sometimes when I listen to them, and get totally into the music, I feel like he is there, breathing in my neck, enjoying the music with me. He feels near, I guess. And so, sometimes I can't bear to listen to them, because it just reminds me again and again. It's all like a cut that keeps being ripped open and left bare and sore. So, of course that is why I must try even more to get it all on a distance, and I have plans to execute in order to give it another try. Not just quite yet though, for reasons I won't get into. God knows, I've talked a lot about him in this blog. Enough for now.

I'm still loosing weight, of course. I mean, it was the whole object of going through with the surgery and that so... I am happy with the result so far. I've lost 64 kilos. (lbs 140,8) It's a whole person! I am also feeling really good about myself lately, and better by the day. Never mind the negatives surrounding it, I just don't notice them anymore. Nothing can get me that down. It's just the freedom of being able to move so freely. I can sit in ways I haven't been able to in years and years. I can walk, stand, sleep in many varieties. Before the surgery I made a list over things I couldn't do, for either physical or emotional reasons. I won't write them here; the list is long, and also because some of them are too personal and even of a sexual matter... ;-) So let's just say I can do many many of them now, and it is liberty. It's like I've been confined to one room, and now am able to roam freely wherever and however I want and need. There are still a few things I can't do, physically, but I'll get there soon enough. "Stand back and watch me shine" Rachel Fuller cleverly sings, and that is actually how I feel now. Just watch me come to life again, watch me reclaim my body and soul, the true me, watch me truly live life, embracing it, and just loving and appreciating everything it holds. It's good to be so positive, when just a year ago it was so much darker to be me in this judgmental and prejudiced world.

My mum is having back surgery this Thursday, and I am scared for her. Please pray for her! She will also have to undergo another hip replacement surgery, because her left hip (which is artificial) is worn out. She was born with something called hip joint dysplasia, and has lived her whole life in constant pain. Now, she has trouble even going out to get the mail and do normal chores. I don't know how she does it, and still keeps herself sane. She is my hero.

Well, it's way past midnight, so off to bed, or something... ;-)

Love and light - Monsoon -

Oh, hello!

First phase of "the coming over him project" happened this week. I saw him and talked to him, even though he didn't recognise me at first. I have lost a lot of weight since he last saw me, and I now have longer hair too. I won't write what happened, only this: it was just amazing, perfect and fantastic to see him. I had almost "forgotten" just how insanely gorgeous he is. *oh dear God*

In the last years I've written many poems/songs, and a few weeks ago I started putting them up on this online place . Your poems can be criticized and commented on by other people, and also a poet/writer/poem critique, comments on chosen poems every day too. Every month they present "poet of the month" and stuff. I've gotten great reviews for a few of mine, and it is oh so exciting. I've written one very short concise one which is about the sexual act. One man called it a pleasure to read and that romance permeates the poem in a way rarely seen... I thought that was really cool. Because the poem is without romantic clichés and bombastic words, and yet he was able to get the romance out of it nevertheless. I will continue putting some poems up every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have written like 10 only in the last week. They've been in Norwegian all of them so...

I am job hunting at the moment, and I've found that doing so isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or let's review that, maybe it is, because rumour has it, it actually sucks! Yup! It does. Only one interview after a gazillion applications. You'd think I didn't have a 3 year bachelor degree. I guess they weren't meant for me. It is the way I HAVE to think, otherwise I'd go bonkers. And the one I got interviewed for was totally different in real life than the job description said. Annoying. So that one I had to let pass, for personal reasons that I won't elaborate on here. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't worked after finishing Uni last year, and that I don't have any new references. So now I've asked a person to be my reference, and he said yes. So at least he is new. I might also try to get hold of an old teacher from the social work study. I know she would have things to say, and hopefully good things too. Anyway, I just have to keep positive and believe that the right job will surface and it will be great! :-) I am in such a great fucking mood lately that this isn't going to kill my mojo!

I am leaving you with various photos from around Norway that I find stunning. I live in a beautiful country.

Love and light - Monsoon :-)


 




 

Baaaah...

I've never had this few readers for as long as this blog has existed. I mean, in two days, ONE reader. Now that's just sad. Should I perhaps take the hint? Yes, I guess so. Maybe I will terminate this whole thing. As I've said before; this has turned into something I didn't really want it to. But then, it's like you can't help what you write about. I am no great writer, and so it is a challenge to keep it interesting. Sorry really... I will ponder upon this for a few months and then make a decision as to if I want to delete the whole thing. But first I must save it somehow. You can make "books" of it, with comments and all, and I'd like that, as a memory. You know for my late 80s, sitting in an old folks home reminiscing. :-)

I've been to the chiropractor today, for the first time in my life. Or, I was there last week too, but then he just pushed and felt around to find out if I was totally unfixable. He then ordered x-rays of my whole body, before he could do anything, just to be sure. My mum has been going to him for 16 years, so he came highly recommended. If it weren't for him my mum couldn't have stood erect a lot of the time. When I was there last week he said something so nice, or rather, he didn't mean to be nice, but it was great to hear, as I saw he was serious. After talking for around 5 minutes he said; well, first we have to fix something, it says here that you are born in 1974, but that must obviously be wrong. You must be much younger than that... I said, nope I am 74 model, so it's correct. He stared at me and said; are you kidding me, wow, you look fantastic. (he is 42 himself) Aawhh... Made my day. Especially since I've felt SO flippin' old looking after the weight loss and all. You know, loose skin and the works! Today he totally broke my bones in all directions. Such a weird feeling. My neck especially made so many LOUD noises that even he started to laugh. They fecking made an echo in there! Haha!

Well, it's not like I have anything really interesting to write about, is it... Inspired much, or not!? *lol* So I will just stop here.

Love and light - Monsoon -