Well, there is actually life...

So I thought I'd do what a dear friend told me; blog again. It's been a while, to say the least.

2011 has been a year from hell for me and my family. I already told you that my mum almost died of the swine flu and was in a coma for two months. Then in July she had a stroke and it was close, again. Then on September 7th she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia. After her first chemo treatment she came insanely close to death, yet again. We sat beside her bed watching her fighting for every breath. She didn't actually breathe on her own at all. The doctors and nurses told us they never thought she would make it. But suddenly she started to slowly improve. Since September 10th she's practically been living in the hospital in solitary confinement. It has taken its toll on all of us, and I can only say that I am as wrecked as I never was. It's like I can't breathe. On December 22nd my parents' neighbour and two of my best friends' dad died of cancer. I've known him since I was 3, and cared a lot for him and his whole family. The same day my dad's uncle died. A good thing was that mum was home for Christmas and we celebrated it at mum's sister's house. At 10.30 pm on Christmas Eve, in the midst of out celebration, my maternal granny had a stroke, and was taken by the ambulance to the hospital. Since then she has had two more strokes, and her left side is completely immobile. Yay! Just so there isn't any confusion; I've had it. I can't deal with anything of this any more. I go around with a constant lump in my throat, and feel like crying all the time. I am scared for my own mental health right now, and also those of my whole family. We're walking on eggshells and I feel that the world could crumble any minute now. I can't actually really well explain what I feel inside. I am numb, that is one thing. Nothing makes me happy, not even music or friends. I just want to crawl into foetal position and cry for weeks. It's just sooo fucking hard to live with that continuous uncertainly and pressure. In 2011 I had 6 days of holiday for the whole year, and I guess in the midst of all this shit I could have benefitted from a little more time off. Even though I do feel that work has been a saviour too. I think I would have gone completely bonkers hadn't I had my work and my wonderful colleagues. They have listened and cared for me, and I am immensely thankful for it. Especially my team leader Astrid has been truly marvellous and compassionate, and we have cried together several times. I love her for showing me the trust in sharing personal and intimate stuff with me, and thus making me feel better, loved, trusted and cared for. The sad thing is that the work I have now is only temporary and the truth is that I will be leaving on February 10th. I start a new job on the 15th. I can't manage to think about it, but I do notice that at work I withdraw a little from everyone, because I know it is all nearing its end. I think and hope I will like the new job, but who knows. It's not safe, it's insecure, scary, and new and I have a ton of new things to learn.

The great thing in my life is my beautiful and charming nephew Emilian. ♥ God, he has certainly brought some sunshine into our lives throughout last year.

Now I also feel a need to thank Laura, my dear friend from Italy. We got to know each other via blog-land, and we have never met in person, yet. However, I consider her one of my closest and dearest friends, and she has really been there for me during this hard time. We have talked as often as work and life in general would allow us. And by talk I mean skyping, talking not writing, and it has brought us even closer together. I appreciate her so much, and I am forever thankful for her and all that she is; a true friend in whom I trust completely. I love you Laura!

Now, this has been a very moody and somewhat dark entry. I will try, better than before, to write more often and also to write something a bit more cheerful. And on that note; have a great week folks.

Monsoon :-)

Here I go again

Call the BBC and CNN, for there she blogs again! So yes, perhaps it was time for a new entry. My God! It's been 3, 5 months without as much as a tiny sign from this place. What a tragedy! Haha!

I've been working as a social worker since February 1st, and it is going absolutely fabulous. I thrive there. Such a nice working environment; colleagues are fantastic and my work is also really, really enjoyable. According to my nearest leader I haven't done anything wrong yet, and she is very very happy with me (Those were her words, not mine). She also said that I was well structured, systematic, tidy and clever. So yes, all is well in Working-Ville. Yay for that!

My love life is a whole other story. But of course! It wouldn't be me if that department of my life wasn't in ruins and an entirely inept disaster. I've done it again; fallen for someone completely unattainable. That is SO 2005, if you ask me. I tire myself with these things, I really do. This person is one of the most fantastic persons I've ever met in my life. Needless to say; way older than me, but ooooh my gosh; attractive much!? Takes my breath away. Why can't my brain, mind and heart, NOT fall when the person in question is very married, and has been for years? I don't know. I am beginning to think there's something completely wrong with me, psychologically speaking. There ought to be a stop button inside of me, as to stop things like this from happening; that would surely help. Man! Give me a break. It is just like Bob all over again. Baaah... Anyway, maybe I like pain. Perhaps I am an unchangeable masochist and just not know it? ;-) Kidding! However, no wonder that I ponder upon the whole idea, when it happens for the second time. I mean, when I finally was able to fall for someone else than Bob, after six looooong years, it had to be a new married person? For feck's sake ! Though, mind you, being tragically in love enhances creativity, so I've written like three billion poems lately. Some of them quite good, some completely arse! But they're mine nevertheless, and they tell a story of who I was, and what I felt, in that moment.

On May 7th, we had a little miracle enter our family. My brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy called Emilian. It's the first baby in my family since my brother, who is 31, was little. It's just the two of us, and as you know; I haven't started propagating yet, and most likely won't ever. So Emilian is mum and dad's first grandchild. Huge thing for them. And for me as well; I've never been an aunt before. I can't stop looking at him. He was born 4 weeks early, and is quite tiny. The miracle of birth was especially welcome in my family at this point, as it was followed by another miracle. You see my mum almost died. She fought for her life, and was put in a coma for three weeks. The doctors seriously didn't think she'd make it, but then all of a sudden she turned for the better. So, from March up until recently, mum fighting for her life, is much the reason I wasn't able to write anything. I was entirely numb, and also utterly fatigued. However, things are better now, and I am finally finding myself feeling increasingly less stressed and weary.

Emilian and I




Weight wise; well I've lost 90 kilos, which is 198 lbs. It is a lot, and I am nearing the weight I want to be before surgeons will remove the apron of loose skin from my belly. Seriously, it looks and feels like a well-kneaded dough. Haha!

Well, that was a sign of life from this part of the world. Nothing much, but I hope my posts will be more frequent and also more interesting. Can't promise anything though.

Much love to you all

Monsoon

Magic with colours

I simply had to share these amazing paintings. I watched a programme on TV about the artist, where we got to see him work his magic with hands, fingers, brushes and so on. Somehow these pictures just moved me to tears. I don't know why. There's just so much emotion, talent, dedication and love for the colours and splendour of nature and buildings. He is just so able to convey this in these paintings. There's such a vivacity to be felt when you look at these. It makes me wander, in my thoughts, and it makes me dream and smile. So let me share some of his works here:

So, what did you think?! Isn't the use of colour just stunning? I love how he sees the world, and how he i able to share of this grandeur. Now, if you already like them and are impressed, I am guessing you well be immensely more impressed when I tell you about the artist himself. His name is Kieron Williamson, and he was 6, 7 or 8 when he painted these! Yes, you read correctly. 6, 7 and 8 years of age!!!! I find that astounding and remarkable. This child, this cute little sensitive boy made my day, and he crept into my heart and left a permanent mark. I am perplexed and in full awe and admiration of this child. Wow.

Here he is at work...

Well, that's all for today. Just had to share my amazement!

Love & Light - Monsoon -

Last days... New beginnings...

It's been almost a month since my last entry, and as many of you know; I got a job! Yay! I am starting tomorrow. I will be working as a social worker, well duh, within a municipality nearby. The title is welfare officer. I don't know exactly what my job will be though, but I will know for sure tomorrow. I don't know what the pay is yet either, as I have to hand in my testimonials from previous jobs I've had, for them assess the exact pay I shall receive. I know what the minimum wage is, but I know I will get more than that, as I have worked before and that counts too. Service increment I guess it's called. I really can't wait to earn money and have something to go to every day, after all those years of school. If I had loads of money, I'd gladly do the Master's Degree in social work, as there is a lack in people doing that around here, but it's just too costly. And I don't think the pay afterwards works as an incentive either. It doesn't balance the amount of years in school well at all. Well, that is the case for many occupations here. Especially the more typically female dominated professions...

Now that the day is almost here I am scared. Scared I won't be good enough. Scared I won't be able to carry out the job to a satisfactory level. In my sensible place, I know it's thick to think that, but in my more fragile self, I can't help it... I know that I have a really strong professional strength behind me, as I got great grades and all that. But it's the actual execution of the work, dealing with loads of different clients every day that I am anxious about. Also, this is one of the last things on my list of reclaiming my life. (I have three more things, but more on them a different time) I have grown, learnt, changed, and evolved a lot in the last 10 years. I've gone through a lot; from being every sexually and emotionally harassed/abused at work; being almost raped and others things, which lead to depression, times of self-loathe, feeling of inadequacy, feeling of guilt, over-eating, self-medicating on sweets to soften the dark thoughts of my soul and mind, and even times of anxiety. As I think about all those things, my tears are actually running silently down my cheeks right now. Not over sadness, but over bewildered joy and pride, that I've reclaimed the self-love, self-pride, self-esteem, contentment, positivism, strength and balance from my younger years. You know, before I started to destroy myself... (In addition I've completed my education and lost lots of weight). I didn't destroy myself consciously, to begin with, but I think in the end it came to that. I felt so much hatred against who I was, who I'd become, what my body was like, and all that, that I felt I might as well just make it even worse. I guess, deep inside, I didn't think I was worthy of anything better. Then one day I met Bob, and he managed, without knowing it obviously, to totally turn that around. In just one week my thoughts started to change and I felt again that I was actually worth a better life. And that is what I have done now. I won! I actually did. I won over myself, with great help from him. I know people say that it isn't his doing, but frankly they have no fucking clue. They have no idea what was going in inside of me. They don't even know that I quite often longed for death to free me from the horror and misery of what I used to call life. They don't know that I didn't live, that I merely existed until I met him. All the things he did for me, by being who he was, can never be put into words. No words will ever suffice to describe it. Also the fact that he saw me; he totally and utterly saw me for exactly how I want to be seen. He saw beyond the obesity and the sadness in my eyes. He saw the strong intelligent woman, and somehow he was able to lure her out again. How can I not be forever grateful for that? In my view he saved my life. I seriously don't think I'd be here if I hadn't met him. He is my angel, perhaps sent to me, who knows? And to top it off, it was "that thing" between us as well, which made it all even stronger. So, yes, no matter what others might think; to me the date January 12th 2005 will always stand out as the "Monsoon" before, and after, date...

Now I'm going to unwind and relax with watching a wonderful BBC programme called "Escape to the country", a real-estate programme, and then I'm off to bed. And I will tell myself this; you will do well in this job, you just don't know, or realise it, yet...

Love & light - Monsoon

Frosted

So, yesterday was exactly one year since my surgery, and I know I keep repeating myself, but I can't believe just how far I've come in that year. I am so pleased with the result, and I am also really proud of myself for having done so well. I am not saying I am perfect, of course I have my days with eating that isn't 100 % healthy, but in general I do eat really healthy. As of today I've lost 75, 5 kilos (166 lbs) in 13 months, as I started on a special pre-surgery diet on December 7th 2009... So yeah, I am happy with it.

The only thing missing now is a job, and perhaps someone to share my life with. Sometimes I think it will never happen for me, but then, if that's how my life is supposed to be like, being single I mean, then I will have to live with that. There are a lot of things to get over and to heal from before I am ready to try to dare to fall in love again. Which is one of the many reasons I think about moving to Australia. I feel I need a change. Something new to breathe in. A new life, a new phase, a new start, new warm climate, and not to mention, new impulses and people that might take my mind off things it shouldn't think about. I know that the love you feel inside won't magically stay at the airport when I leave, but I am hoping that all the new life I would have to get used to, and such, would help me. This place surely hasn't. How wonderful it would be to meet other single persons to befriend and spend time with. I love my friends, but almost all of them are in such different places in their lives, than me, and I would love to have some more single friends to hang with on a more daily basis, as that is what I miss. I am alone a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes me feel lonely. I like my own company, but it can get a bit much. All the time spent alone has made me appreciate the solitude, and sometimes I even prefer it, and that actually scares me. Because I am, from birth of, a very social person, and I want to stay that way, you know?! I fear I am not able to convey what I mean, as the two things I've written sound contradictory... I guess it is hard to explain, and perhaps I am ambiguous in my ways right now. I think that I am scared that the constant solitude will lead to a preferred hermit-like life.

Love is a fickle thing. So is life, so is our emotions. I was talking about the whole Bob thing with a friend the other day, and I said to her that I fear it will never pass, for real, but that I hope I can find someone else to love and share my life with. Then she asked; but are you up for settling for less? No was my answer, but what real choice do I have? It's been 6 years, in 6 days, and I kind of ask myself this question; when will it pass when it hasn't done so in six years? It's not like I haven't tried. I don't want to love him, for fuck's sake! Man, sometimes I really wish I had never met him, never fallen so fucking hard that every thought is his, never seen the truth in his eyes... I have asked to be relieved from this, but it just isn't happening. "Everyone" keeps telling me to move on, but when you've tried every damn thing to do so, and it still isn't working, what to do? I wish, oh so desperately, that a magic off-switch existed, but alas, no such thing has been invented. Seriously, I'd die to be rid of these insanely strong feelings. I have one more thing to try, and that involves him, and that is the hard part. I think he is scared stiff of being alone with me, for obvious reasons, but I have to ask. I will do so, but not quite yet.

I am chilly inside

So cold inside
Empty
Blinded
By memories
which I don't want
to embody my whole being

Why is it so hard
to lie under frosted layers
of air
And feel the chills that your absence produces

One big thing this year

So now 2010 is nearing its end, and I am left to try to welcome the new year. 2010 has flown by like a Jet plane to me. When 2011 comes I am sure I shall think that we actually skipped 2010, that is how fast time flew. I did go through a lot this year, both physically and emotionally. I have shed 73, 5 kilos, and that is a lot. It's a whole fucking person! I really don't know what to say other than thank all my friends from all over the place; Norway, Italy, France, Ireland, Scotland, England, Venezuela, Argentina, Iran, Canada and USA, and all other countries. Thank you for your moral support, for your wise words, for sticking with me, for believing in me, for cheering me on, for telling me that I am beautiful, for good laughs and tears shed, for the tiring hours listening/reading about my whining about Bob, (yet another year!) for encouragements and most of all just for being my friends and caring about me. The feeling is mutual, believe me. You are SO important to me, all of you and I love each one of you.

So you might wonder what the heck this headless person is, and what is she wearing? Is it a tight skirt?! Well, she is me, and I am wearing the trousers I wore a year ago. Only this time I was able to fit into one of the legs of the trouser. Isn't it fun? Isn't cool?

And this is the "proof", pulling out the other leg form behind. Hahaha! And then the next one is me showing the big t-shirt I wore...

And these three pictures also capture and sum up 2010 for me. Three faces of the same woman, a woman who has changed a lot, not only on the outside, but also inside of herself. She had found herself, her true self again, (and she speaks of herself in third person too actually ;-)) and she is learning new things every day about what she is, and who she wants to be. It is a very exciting journey. I know one of the pictures has sunglasses on, but that particular one kind of really shows the fatness of my neck and face, and also hides the sorrow in those blue eyes, which is good. I cringe when I see myself, it actually feels like ten years ago, and it was only a little over a year ago. I wasn't even at my biggest on those pictures!! You can press it to view it in a bigger version.


I look forward to 2011 because I know that that will be the year that I will meet some of you for the first time, face to face, and you have no idea just how much I am looking forward to that. I can't wait to hold you and give you a long big warm hug in real life, and not just virtual ones.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!

Love, light and hope - Monsoon -

Season's greetings

I just want to say Merry Christmas to all my friends in blogland around the world.

God Jul, Buone Feste Natalizie, Nollaig Shona Duit, Feliz Navidad, Счастливого Рождеств, Froehliche Weihnachten, Boze Narodzenie, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Natal!!!

Hope you who celebrate will have a wondrous and blissful time with family and friends.

Much love and hugs from snowy cold Norway, White Christmas here you see... It is actually snowing heavily right now, as I look out my kitchen window. I took this picture out my balcony door this morning. Love the colours of a cold winter morning.

Inspirational people

I thought I'd write about someone who inspired/inspires me. I have three people, one is a former teacher, one is my mum and one is an American man.

The teacher's name is Dag Johannessen, and he is a remarkable man and teacher. His way of teaching, inspiring us, lifting us up, giving of himself and his free time, teaching us to believe in our abilities is just extraordinary! He has a way with words that is fantastic, both in writing and speaking, and hearing him talk about history makes you love it even more than you did before. He can transform even the most hardcore history haters into wanting to learn learn learn history. His passion for it is so apparent, and this is profoundly contagious. Attending his lessons are by far the best ones I have ever experienced, and I will never forget it. His wisdom will forever be with me, and I treasure it immensely.

The American man is totally inspiring just by living his simple life and making the most of it. He was born in Egypt with cerebral palsy, and started his life being thrown into a trash can. But the newborn had a will to live, so he made little weeping sounds and someone found him. I don't know the depth of the story, but I know he came to USA at age 4 to be treated for cerebral palsy and that he ended up living there. He sought out, at an early stage, to pay back to the country and community who had helped him with numerous operations and trained him. He started a coffee shop called "More than coffee", where most of the profit goes to various charities. This man is called Sam Malek, and he is dependent on crutches to walk around. He has arthritis and some other things too, but does this stop him? No. He is married and has two kids, and he lives to serve God and the people who are in dire need of change, material, emotional, mental, physical and monetary. His little shop employs people with different challenges, be it physical or mental, and tries to empower them in all the ways. He also teaches them to believe in themselves, and he teaches us that people with disabilities only want to be treated like any other person. The only difference is that you might have to show a little more patience with working with them, that's all, according to Sam. I first gained knowledge of this astounding man when I watched the TV-show "Extreme makeover - home edition", where they in addition to giving a family with disabled kids a new home, they also gave Sam a bigger shop that was better suited for wheelchairs. This because Sam was so sad that wheelchairs couldn't get in before. I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget the look of Sam's face when he understood that this was actually happening. How proud, moved and happy he was when he saw that he now also could employ people in wheel chairs. I cried like a baby, and I still do every time I see this episode! WOW! They knew they could help Sam because he could certainly be trusted to pay it forward, as that is his motto. Paying it forward, one cup at a time. Look at my tote bag, which I bought from his store at the coffee shop's website: More than coffee 

 

Here's Sam when he saw his new shop for the first time

Since I live in Norway, and thus quite far from St- Louis, I thought the least I could do was to buy a little something to support him and his amazing work. (When I get a job I will certainly buy more stuff!!) This is a guy who had all odds against him, literally thrown into the garbage like no one wanted him, but rose to the occasion and became a man in the best sense of the word. Just writing about him has me all moved... This is what I wrote in his guest book: "Hi Sam! A while ago I watched the Extreme makeover episode where you so deservingly get a brand new Coffee shop. I have to say I have never shed more tears in my life, while watching a TV show. They were tears of pride, joy, awe and admiration. I was so touched and inspired by your story, you have no idea!! You are truly the most remarkable person I have ever "seen". The strength your eyes conveyed was amazing. I can't even explain how much you and your story changed me, no words would suffice basically. THANK YOU for being the human being you are! I dearly hope to be able to order coffee right from your beautiful shop one day. If I ever go to the USA again, it will be my first stop. Bless you and your family!

The third is my mum; a fighter as well. Born disabled, without hip joints in both her hips. Spent the first three years of her life in plaster up to her under arms. Her parents could only look at her through a window in the hospital. So I guess you can assume that there wasn't a lot of love and caring touches given to her during those imperative three first years of her life. To top it off; when they operated on her back then, they used NO anaesthesia at all. Can you imagine getting NEW hips/joints without any anaesthesia?! No wonder my mum is a bit "scared" of hospitals. My mum has lived her whole life in horrible pain, and was misdiagnosed for many many years. She should have gotten new joints as a child, but didn't get them before she was 39 and 40. By that time her hips was actually relying on her pelvis bone for support, and thanks to that her pelvis is crooked and worn down. According to doctors it was a huge miracle that she could even stand erect. Now, her left hip had gotten really bad again, and her left foot has gotten shorter due to this. She is so crooked inside, it's madness! Also she had absolutely no bones left around her hip. She had surgery on November 18th. They had to build her bones (bone transplantation), to have anything at all to fasten the new hip/joint with. She is back home now and is reliant on crutches, as she can't put any pressure on her left foot, until January 13th. She is so strong, both physically and mentally, and I admire her no end. To have such a strength; I could only wish! Despite her situation she is always compassionate and eager to help all others, and rarely, too rarely if you ask me, does she ask for anything in return. I am so glad she is my mum, and also one of my best friends. Since she came home from the hospital I have been able to help her out a lot, as I am not working now. I've been helping her dress, and I have massaged her, given her foot baths and cleaned the house. Every day I have been up there, and I am only glad to finally be able to give something back to her. She's a star! Mum at her 58th birthday this year. 

Love and light - Monsoon -

November rain, or was it snow?

Do you know what I really loathe? Drivers who can't follow the speed limits... Like yesterday I was driving home, at night, from visiting my dear friend Rønnaug. I was left behind one car that annoyed me so much I was flipping him constantly, and also giving out to him loudly. Yeah, like he could hear me, or see the finger, as I flipped him in such a way only I could see it. Anyway, when the speed limit was 50 Km/h, he drove much faster, and then when the speed limit went up to 80, he drove in 50. He kept on driving stupidly all the way, and I could not overtake him either. Could I have become more irate? No. How can it be so difficult to just drive what the limit says? I am what you would call an angry driver, at times. When I see pure stupidity, hazardous behaviour, cutting in front of me when I am driving fast so that I have to hit the brakes hard, horrible overtakes, and also when I see people believing they are the God of the roads and think they are the only people on the road, I get fuming. However, although I am angry, I never ever take chances and do moronic decisions which could jeopardize both mine and others people's lives. Like I said I was driving home from Rønnaug yesterday night. We had a fantabulous evening together. Here's a photo from when we sat outside while she was having a fag. It was cold, and it was actually snowing, though luckily only lightly.


Weight wise; I have now lost a little over 70 kilos, which is 154 lbs. I am happy about that. Also I am really chuffed that I lost 5 cm in the waist in just one week. Wow. I am really starting to see that I have a figure and a shape underneath it all. Yay!

Work wise; no fucking news. I try to keep positive, but it is getting increasingly difficult, I must say. I keep saying to myself that the jobs I didn't land, weren't the right for me, and that I wouldn't have been content in them, and that something way better awaits down the line. Let us just hope that line is kind of short. *lol*

Life in general wise; so and so... I don't feel like getting into all that, it's too negative.

I want to share a poem though:

Frost on my lips

Have you come to keep me warm
Tonight
Under sheets of frost
and cold wet trees
Under a dark blue sky
filled with stars and hope

Is the night nearing its end
when your gaze gives me chills
When it sticks to my lips
and leaves them blue

You came to keep me cold
like only you can

Love and light - Monsoon -

A tiny video message

So I decided to have a go, after all your requests. Sorry about the hairdo, it's a bloody mess today! :-) Also, I do look a bit over nervous and excited, so don't mind all the odd facial expressions!! Haha!

October, and the trees are stripped bare, for all they wear

I figured I had to give blogging another round as October is nearing its end... At least then I've blogged seven times in one month. Not that I will ever again beat my blogging mania of September 2006, when I had 42 entries! How could I have anything to write about!? Perhaps I had a more exciting life back then, or perhaps I was even more screwed up!? ;-)

I've had a weird weekend really. Been almost completely alone all the time. Don't get me wrong, I like being alone. I like my own company, as odd as that might sound. I don't like it when I feel lonely because of the obvious, but that wasn't the protruding feeling this weekend actually. I've mostly spent it eating, having a "Two and a half men" marathon on DVD, stared at the wall and daydreaming, sat in front of the computer, skulking around the flat, cuddling and playing with the cat, listened to music and also had my weekly foot bath. Today I also cleaned the fridge and I think you could lick it, that's how super clean it is. However, as I was putting all the shelves and racks back in again, suddenly I could not, for the love of God, get the bottle rack in the right way. I swear I was irate into the thousands, to say the least! Now that wasn't my brightest moment as well you can imagine. And I am usually a very technical and practical person, so wow! *lol* I did manage it in the end though... I also had a lovely talk with my newly made mum of two, Irene, which was great. She told me about the birth and all, which was really nice to hear!

The weight is going down again, thankfully. I have now lost 67 kilos, which is 147, 4 lbs. When I have lost 70,1 I will have reached a milestone weight wise, so I am really looking forward to that! How shall I celebrate, perhaps by buying a new top or something, if I can afford it? The ones I bought like two months ago are a bit too wide now. If I could just find some that I actually like. The fashion nowadays sucks if you ask me. And also; where have all the V-necked tops gone into hiding? Being a large-chested woman I need my V-neck!! 

This is my God child Ernst. Isn't he cute? This is in my parents' kitchen. His mum and I have been friends since we were 2 and 3 years old. I was at his 1st birthday party this month. It was a lovely day, despite the bad news his family got the day before; remember I told you about a man who got lung cancer, in an earlier post? That man is Ernst's maternal grand father. Bless them all!

Well, this was a sign of life from me. I hope this post finds you all well and dandy.

Love and light - Monsoon -

This is SO 2005!

Why can't I just rejoice and become wholly taken with good emotions towards the really terrific thing in my life right now, which is losing weight? It bugs me. Instead there is always that constant craving, that constant sub flavour... That thing is always present, lurking at the back of my head. A presence within where only I can feel it, like to taunt me. My stomach is in constant upheaval, you know that feeling you have when you dread something, or actually the feeling you have when you just met someone that you are in love with. Argh! Instead what is happening at the moment is that is keeps getting stronger, and to be honest it feels like it is out of my hands. Because no matter what I do, nothing changes. A long time ago I "surrendered this case to God", and told him that I can't deal with it, I can't see what to do, where to go, how to feel about it, and I don't know what will cure me. I can't say, feel or see that it helped. There have been "quieter" times during these years, but now it's flipping worse than ever. Why? Why now, after not seeing him for over 4 years? I do not get it. I am weary and I just want time to go fast so that I can try the last thing on my list to try to shed this. I can't do it now, I need more time. I will get over it one day. I must! What is there to be learnt from this? I haven't a clue!

The weight is at a standstill at the moment, and I am getting increasingly frustrated over it. I know that I can't expect miracles every day, but it would be really nice to lose some at least. I did lose 6 cm in my waistline in the last 2 weeks, that's something... Maybe it is because I am not content at the moment? I feel drained and unhappy. I have to try getting my zest back. During this week I think around 15 people have come up to me at the grocery shop, at the pharmacy, etc and said: Oh you look so pretty, you are gorgeous, you look great etc etc, and I just smile and say thank you. The thing is though, that right now I don't give a shite, because I don't feel it from within. Did I tell you I must get a grip? Wake up and smell the greatness of what I have, instead of what I don't have: Bob, a job and money... Suck it up "biatch" *lol*

I am thankful for music in my life. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without it. Also, I am forever thankful for all my friends who have stood by me through this. Especially those who never judged and who also believed me when I told them about "it all"... I think Rønnaug has endured the most, and she still doesn't mind me nagging about it. At least she says so... She was here Friday and we had a really fabulous evening. I laughed out loud several times, and it felt good in my whole body.

Sunday morning, and I am soon off for my usual Sunday visit to gran. Look, she knitted me a new hat for winter. I love it. I am enjoying the sun on a cold crisp day on my balcony... Well, on this photo I was out of the sun though, as you can see... :-)  



Well, signing off... Thank God you say!? Yeah, I know... I feel that way too. ;-)  

Love and light - Monsoon -

whatnot

Welcome to Lonely Island, population; ME! At least that's how I feel today, and have for a little while. I am not the usual cheerful me these days. (well, I mean I've been quite cheerful after the surgery and all that...) The thing is, I have felt this type of lonely ever since I left one particular building, four years and four months ago. The one where Bob is. I know you are all more than sick and tired of hearing about him and all the things surrounding this, but if you don't want to read it, skip this post, simple as that. I need to vent, and it is my blog and my "screwed" up heart, mind, soul and body... I used to deal with it by keeping my emotions at bay by eating and stuffing my face, as you all are aware of by now. And, so now I am actually battling it a little. I want to stuff my face, a little bit. Not at all to the same extent as before, but still, it's there. It will be my battle for as long as I shall live, that's just how things are with me. Food and sweets have always been my comfort, and will never stop being so. We all have our own built in, though acting out, "survival kits", and mine is food. Someone else's might be drugs, smoke, alcohol, gambling, sex etc etc... the thing is though, that I have absolutely no lust for food, like from a craving point of view. It doesn't tempt me at all, and I don't feel hungry like ever! Yet, I do want to do what I call "panic eat", "force feed" or "obsessive eat"... I eat, just because it feels like I need it, I MUST have it, or else my life will fall into bits. So, my way of dealing with it right now is writing, I write a lot of poetry about Bob and other stuff too. I write in my journal and I write this blog. In addition I try to be more with friends and to try to have fun basically, to try to fill the obvious VOID that the love of my life left. Because the truth of the matter is, no matter how cliché it might sound; my soul is lonely without him. Almost none of you know the whole story behind this, and that is due to me wanting to protect his privacy, so I will never disclose the whole thing here. I know of course that if I told you, you would probably understand it all a little better. However I respect him too much to jeopardise anything in is life... I just sort of wish that love was easier. I thought I knew love before, but I didn't. And for the first time in my life I totally and utterly love one person, and what luck; he can't be mine. I also sort of wish that the pressure on my chest would leave me alone.


Lonely

It's all so scary at this side of the world
This single loveless place
The emptiness of my heart
The longing for something I don't even know

It's so scary sitting here by myself
Watching and listening
As year after year goes by
And I'm still stuck here
In myself
In my own body
In my own soul
I just sit
Wait
Gaze

It's all so scary in this white room
Where there's no hope for what's coming
Only disillusions and loneliness
And yearning for some truth to unveil itself 


Yeah, sulking and feeling sorry for myself today. That's life I guess.
I'll stop now

Monsoon

Conversing...

So I guess sex is not the way to go, in this blog I mean. Was I perhaps a tad too open and honest about it? It seems you all stayed away from commenting on one subject I for one thought would muster up more than one comment. But, perhaps it was my inconclusive writing that did it? Who knows...

Anyway, here I am again, and I can tell you that that wasn't the last time the aforementioned S-word is on my mind, and therefore also on this blog...

On Friday I had a good friend over. He came at 6 and had to leave at 1 am, because that's when the last train leaves, and he lives 50 km from here so a taxi is out of the question! Those seven hours flew by, and we were really annoyed that he had to leave at that stage. I know many of you might ask why didn't he just stay the night, well, he is engaged and has a live-in girlfriend, so it wouldn't be "appropriate" really. We had such a great evening/night, with food, MUSIC, concerts on DVD, talk, almost peeing my knickers cause I laughed so much, and did I mention music!? Vegar is such a terrific guy, and so much fun. All in all an excellent night.

Started today with a good power walk in the forest, and now I am left with a 'kabooming' headache as a result of that. Thank you! That's a nice prize for trying to be good. The weather was gorgeous and the air fresh, so it did me good too.

On Friday I also got my new pair of Converse All-star shoes. Thanks to my dear friend Ingvild, who lives in London! She ordered them and sent them as a "birthday gift" to me, as they couldn't send them to Norway. But she also did it because of Norway's stupid custom rules. (you can't buy things from abroad for over around £ 20, unless you want to pay a fee + 25 % on VAT for importing the goods! Have I said that I completely and utterly fail to agree with that sum, and also that I loathe the whole idea. I mean, come one, what do you get for £ 20 these days!? Argh!) They are part of a limited edition things where they pay tribute to great "old" bands. I of course got the ones tributed to my beloved "the Who". I wore them grocery shopping yesterday, and I couldn't take my eyes off my feet, seriously. I felt so cool. Odd maybe, but I did... They have the Union Jack (flag) sewed onto them, as The Who are well known for their use of the flag in various ways. Here are a few photos of them. 

Last week I applied for three different jobs. I have my heart set on one of them and I really really hope I'll get it. The job itself isn't my dream job, but the shift is. You work 14 hours a day for 7 days, then you have 2-3 weeks off. It's bloody perfect for a single girl wanting to travel to visit my wonderful (blog) friends around the world! Plus, who's definitely going to Australia to check out Adelaide, and see if I like it enough, and if it tempts me even more then, to go live there? Meeee! :-) So, please send me good thoughts for this job!

Also, CONGRATS to a dear friend Irene and her man, who had a baby boy on the 15th. His name is Oskar and he is their second child. The first one is 3 and is called Herman. Can't wait to see pictures. Another great friend, Judit, is expecting her/their first any day now. 

Well, my head is doing me in, so I think I will have a sizzling date with a hot water bottle.

Love and light - Monsoon -

It's about sex again

Holy crap. Every day, in a gazillion adds on the web, and everywhere I look, there are adds for increasing your sex drive. If people weren't feeling stressed about having to feel horny all the time, and being ready to go all the time, these adds surely don't help. I mean, you see it all over, and so you feel that if you don't feel up to it at least 5 times a week, there must be something wrong with you. Or maybe you just don't get turned on by your partner any more? Because apparently it is normal to be horny 100 % of the time. What, do they want men to walk around with enormous erections at all times? That sounds a bit impractical if you ask me. Can you imagine all the male teachers going around like that? (although for me, that would probably be cool, as I am well-known for my weakness for teachers... ;-)) Or priests, or your dentist? *lol* Do they want women to be constantly erected, slightly less visible than the men I might add, as well? Like that is a good thing!? It doesn't fucking help to pop pills like there's no tomorrow, if you want your sex drive to be hardy. It's all in one's head, most of the times. I know that some people have rare conditions that might impact the sex drive, and also that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine can reduce the sex drive, but I am not talking about people affected by this, as that is a whole other discussion. Mind you, I think that just because it says on the side-effects that change in the sex drive might occur, "everyone" who takes those pills, experiences it. I shall not hide the fact that after the almost-rape and verbal abuse 10 years ago, I took anti-depressant for 10 months. However, I did not experience a decrease in my sexual lust. The one time I had "problems" with reaching an orgasm during sex, throughout these 10 months, it was more due to the fact that some memories of the abuse became a little too familiar. Luckily, I got over that fairly quickly! 

Anyway, back to the urge to make us feel weird if we aren't over-horny wankers the lot of us. I think it sends a very wrong picture. Can't people just be as horny as they are in their own, and want to be? Must we all be super humans? I feel they want us women to be the best nurturing mums, the compassionate friend and daughter, taking care of everyone, being a true lady, but then as night falls, suddenly we must transform ourselves into these sexual beasts that want only one thing, and wanting it several times. Lady in the street, tramp in the sack... For many women this transition is a really hard one to make. The nurturing mum, feeding your child breast milk, and then 10 minutes later your husband wants to suck on that same nipple, and suddenly it's supposed to feel sexy?! It can't be easy, not at all. Now, I don't have children, and as I am 36 and have eyes only for one, hot-damn guy who's 55, I am foreseeing with my psychic abilities that the probability for me having a child is quite on the low end of the scale. So, I don't know how I would react to that transformation from soft mum to vixen within ten minutes, but something tells me I could do it. I am a bit on the odd side of things when it comes to the sexual matters, as I have addressed before in this very blog. Of course many women can do it as well, but I am just feeling for all those women, and men, who feel pressured to measure up and can't quite make it to where they feel they must be... It must be so annoying to see such adds all the bleedin' time! 

I, on the other hand, sometimes think to myself when I read stuff like: " have no sex drive? Try these pills, they will increase your drive with 25%", that could you possibly find pills that do the opposite? Because I am one horny woman of 36 who haven't had sex in over 5 years, and I am telling you; I'd love to go one day without being insanely wanton, and "having" to ride the one armed bandit a LOT! Seeing Bob didn't exactly help this particular matter. Could I want him more!?! On any level!? NOOOOO!!! The way he moves, oh dear God, just kill me now. He is insanely sensual and his hands move in the most enticing ways. I think I'd pass out if he just brushed his hand against my thigh, even for one second... Haha! 

I say let people decide for themselves what is normal for them. Some couples are at it a lot, others aren't. What is normal to one person, is normal, even if the next person isn't the same. The trick is to find one who is horny approximately as much as you are. From past experiences I know that that is really important, to me at least. I wish these were things one could ask on the first date, without being looked at as a mental person just waiting for the men in white frocks:

- when are you the most horny, like during the day?
- are you willing to play, learn and explore your sex life?
- do you find that you trust you penis to do all the work, and that's it?
- are you aware of the fact that you have fingers and a tongue?
- will you accept the fact that your woman masturbates, in addition to having sex with you?
- do you frown upon erotic/porn films?

I am sure I could add more questions, but that's all for now. I have written a lot of thoughts and yet probably not concluded with anything, but that's just it; there aren't any real solutions. I just wish the media and advertising industry would let us be, and let us have the sex drive we have, unless it bothers us, then we'll get help. This way we just feel pressured to be constantly horny and ready, and that isn't right...


Love and light - Monsoon -

It's all medical

Argh! I hate cancer, but then, who doesn't! One of my oldest, nearest and dearest friends Eva just learned that her dad has lung cancer. This is a man I've known all my life, and I grew up with him and his family as my nearest neighbours. I still live on the same housing estate... They only learned it on Friday, and Saturday was the day we were going to Tonstad to celebrate Eva's son Ernst's 1st birthday. Ernst is my godchild and he is so cute! The party wasn't cancelled, despite the circumstances. So, we drove the 1, 5 hour up there, into the mountains and valleys, surrounded by beautiful autumn colours. Spectacular scenery with fjords, rivers, huge mountains and trees. (could never live there myself though, as I need the open and flat nature we have here) We had a very nice day, they're such a great bunch of people and I care so much for them. I just pray he will get well and conquer this. They don't know the progress of it yet, and so let us hope it was caught early.

these are some photos I took when I went up to Tonstad August 2009. It gives you an idea of the scenery. This first one shows what a lot of the road up there looks like.








One fisherman and a mountainside



My mum wasn't operated on Thursday after all. As it turned out, she just felt that it was totally wrong to do the back surgery before the hip surgery. She laid awake all night, just feeling it in her whole body. She could hardly breathe and had a really physical reaction. So when she came to the hospital the next day she told the surgeons, and for once they listened. They ordered x-rays, and when they saw them they nearly fainted, as there wasn't any bone left around the left hip. It was literally just hanging there. No wonder her left foot has shrunk in length, and no wonder she can't even make it to the mailbox... So, coming Tuesday a very big and difficult hip surgery might take place, and if not, in a couple of weeks. I am so glad she felt that there was something wrong. Thank God for intuition and stuff.

I am still feeling all kinds of things towards the Bob business. And because of all that I sleep really badly at the moment. Wow. Could he be more magic in his ways? I won't bore you with more details though. Except maybe a poem...

In there

In the weeping grass
that's where I will be
In the eyes of a child
that's where you will find me
Forever swept into your heart
In your laughter, in your gaze
In the songs you listen to
that's where I will be
In the hidden secrets
that's where you will find me
Perpetually entwined between the words they speak
The things they convey in sad lines of ink
In the shouting silence of
words not written, words not spoken, words not thought
That's where I will be

Rather uninspired, or empty mind, so I will sign off...

Love and light - Monsoon -

Sweet'n lo

It's been a bit rough after that whole "D-day". You know, when I saw him and all that. I just love him, and need him, it's just that simple really. Or, difficult as it happens... I am not depressed or anything like that. I'm just sad. Thoroughly so. It feels like he is engraved into my corneas, as I "see" him all the bloody time. Gosh! We both LOVE The Who, and sometimes when I listen to them, and get totally into the music, I feel like he is there, breathing in my neck, enjoying the music with me. He feels near, I guess. And so, sometimes I can't bear to listen to them, because it just reminds me again and again. It's all like a cut that keeps being ripped open and left bare and sore. So, of course that is why I must try even more to get it all on a distance, and I have plans to execute in order to give it another try. Not just quite yet though, for reasons I won't get into. God knows, I've talked a lot about him in this blog. Enough for now.

I'm still loosing weight, of course. I mean, it was the whole object of going through with the surgery and that so... I am happy with the result so far. I've lost 64 kilos. (lbs 140,8) It's a whole person! I am also feeling really good about myself lately, and better by the day. Never mind the negatives surrounding it, I just don't notice them anymore. Nothing can get me that down. It's just the freedom of being able to move so freely. I can sit in ways I haven't been able to in years and years. I can walk, stand, sleep in many varieties. Before the surgery I made a list over things I couldn't do, for either physical or emotional reasons. I won't write them here; the list is long, and also because some of them are too personal and even of a sexual matter... ;-) So let's just say I can do many many of them now, and it is liberty. It's like I've been confined to one room, and now am able to roam freely wherever and however I want and need. There are still a few things I can't do, physically, but I'll get there soon enough. "Stand back and watch me shine" Rachel Fuller cleverly sings, and that is actually how I feel now. Just watch me come to life again, watch me reclaim my body and soul, the true me, watch me truly live life, embracing it, and just loving and appreciating everything it holds. It's good to be so positive, when just a year ago it was so much darker to be me in this judgmental and prejudiced world.

My mum is having back surgery this Thursday, and I am scared for her. Please pray for her! She will also have to undergo another hip replacement surgery, because her left hip (which is artificial) is worn out. She was born with something called hip joint dysplasia, and has lived her whole life in constant pain. Now, she has trouble even going out to get the mail and do normal chores. I don't know how she does it, and still keeps herself sane. She is my hero.

Well, it's way past midnight, so off to bed, or something... ;-)

Love and light - Monsoon -

Oh, hello!

First phase of "the coming over him project" happened this week. I saw him and talked to him, even though he didn't recognise me at first. I have lost a lot of weight since he last saw me, and I now have longer hair too. I won't write what happened, only this: it was just amazing, perfect and fantastic to see him. I had almost "forgotten" just how insanely gorgeous he is. *oh dear God*

In the last years I've written many poems/songs, and a few weeks ago I started putting them up on this online place . Your poems can be criticized and commented on by other people, and also a poet/writer/poem critique, comments on chosen poems every day too. Every month they present "poet of the month" and stuff. I've gotten great reviews for a few of mine, and it is oh so exciting. I've written one very short concise one which is about the sexual act. One man called it a pleasure to read and that romance permeates the poem in a way rarely seen... I thought that was really cool. Because the poem is without romantic clichés and bombastic words, and yet he was able to get the romance out of it nevertheless. I will continue putting some poems up every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have written like 10 only in the last week. They've been in Norwegian all of them so...

I am job hunting at the moment, and I've found that doing so isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or let's review that, maybe it is, because rumour has it, it actually sucks! Yup! It does. Only one interview after a gazillion applications. You'd think I didn't have a 3 year bachelor degree. I guess they weren't meant for me. It is the way I HAVE to think, otherwise I'd go bonkers. And the one I got interviewed for was totally different in real life than the job description said. Annoying. So that one I had to let pass, for personal reasons that I won't elaborate on here. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't worked after finishing Uni last year, and that I don't have any new references. So now I've asked a person to be my reference, and he said yes. So at least he is new. I might also try to get hold of an old teacher from the social work study. I know she would have things to say, and hopefully good things too. Anyway, I just have to keep positive and believe that the right job will surface and it will be great! :-) I am in such a great fucking mood lately that this isn't going to kill my mojo!

I am leaving you with various photos from around Norway that I find stunning. I live in a beautiful country.

Love and light - Monsoon :-)


 




 

Baaaah...

I've never had this few readers for as long as this blog has existed. I mean, in two days, ONE reader. Now that's just sad. Should I perhaps take the hint? Yes, I guess so. Maybe I will terminate this whole thing. As I've said before; this has turned into something I didn't really want it to. But then, it's like you can't help what you write about. I am no great writer, and so it is a challenge to keep it interesting. Sorry really... I will ponder upon this for a few months and then make a decision as to if I want to delete the whole thing. But first I must save it somehow. You can make "books" of it, with comments and all, and I'd like that, as a memory. You know for my late 80s, sitting in an old folks home reminiscing. :-)

I've been to the chiropractor today, for the first time in my life. Or, I was there last week too, but then he just pushed and felt around to find out if I was totally unfixable. He then ordered x-rays of my whole body, before he could do anything, just to be sure. My mum has been going to him for 16 years, so he came highly recommended. If it weren't for him my mum couldn't have stood erect a lot of the time. When I was there last week he said something so nice, or rather, he didn't mean to be nice, but it was great to hear, as I saw he was serious. After talking for around 5 minutes he said; well, first we have to fix something, it says here that you are born in 1974, but that must obviously be wrong. You must be much younger than that... I said, nope I am 74 model, so it's correct. He stared at me and said; are you kidding me, wow, you look fantastic. (he is 42 himself) Aawhh... Made my day. Especially since I've felt SO flippin' old looking after the weight loss and all. You know, loose skin and the works! Today he totally broke my bones in all directions. Such a weird feeling. My neck especially made so many LOUD noises that even he started to laugh. They fecking made an echo in there! Haha!

Well, it's not like I have anything really interesting to write about, is it... Inspired much, or not!? *lol* So I will just stop here.

Love and light - Monsoon -

Muuuusic

Wow, this has been the worst day in years. I see no reason to try to explain it all, just trust me on it; it's been terrible. Just for the record; no one is sick, injured or anything like that, it's just stuff... and somehow I just needed to say that certain things are sucking really badly right now, and then just leave it at that.

At least I'm loosing weight again. Stood still there for a whole month, which now feels like a waste. It was my own damn fault, so no one to blame this on but myself. That is why I have stepped up and looked to the future again. To the future in which I am slender-ish. Not the one where I still stuff my face, or like this last month; eat way too little and things low in real nutritional value. So, as of today I've lost a little over 130 lbs. Yay. Which is 59 kilos. Also, my BMI has gone from a WHOPPING 60! to a 38,7. That is a good thing my friends!

I have listened to "The Who" a lot today. Could I LOVE them more!? They fucking rock for real! And so, of course I've had several musical orgasms. :-) I call them musical orgasms, because they make me feel so good, so high, so hot, so alive, so excited, and at times even almost aroused. Is that odd? If it is, I don't care so much. Music gives me so much, as well you know. After listening, my arms were actually hurting because I had been "playing the drums" and digging the music so much. Sometimes I want to be in the 70s, and be a teen. An hormonal raging mad teen, being wild and out of control, listening to rock, hating the world, being opposed to everything and everyone. I'd listen to The Doors, Who, Deep Purple, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, etc etc, and, although I know it's wrong, I'd smoke weed and see where the music carries me in the high. I've never tried any sort of narcotics, and somehow I actually am curious about it. But, I guess it's kinda normal. The forbidden and illegal is a bit alluring isn't it. But, it will continue to be something I just wonder about...

9 years since September 11th and the tragedy on Manhattan... I'll never forget that day. Unreal. My thoughts go out to all those involved in one way or another... 

Back to the music...

Love and light - Monsoon -