Not so exceedingly happy, suddenly...

I have said goodbye to the best human being I've ever met; Bob. I got him a little gift, which he appreciated a lot. He was tanned, he smelled divine, looked gorgeous, and all I wanted to do was to hold him and never let go. When I was going to hand the gift to him, my hands trembled so much that I felt utterly embarrassed. But what was I to do? I couldn't just run, could I?!

Sent him an e-mail, without hope or agenda. I just had to get it all out of my system. Got a mail back, which had me crying. Though I understand why he wrote what he did. But right now I feel unable to deal with it. It's too painful. This "loss" is already harder and more brutal on me than any losses I might have experienced before. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE!!

I feel empty, numb and blinded by sorrow over the horrible truth and reality of it all. Why does he think I want, or need, someone younger? I don't! I just want him. But he of course doesn't know that I tend to only like men his age... And women for that matter... To me he is perfection. But obviously I've always known that he would never be mine. Of course I have! But that fact doesn't lessen the pain.

I have to say this to myself, although it's like talking to yourself, but who gives a shite?!?: Time is your friend, and in time he will fade away to a good memory of someone great who affected your life, and touched your soul like no one ever had. Someone you felt connected to on all levels of life, and who brought out the best in you. You just have to let him go. (but I don't want to!!)

My biggest fear is that I never will feel this way again. According to my mum, who has followed this case since it's beginning in january last year, I have to be prepared for that. She thinks that this really was my BIG ONE, and that although I might love someone else, it won't be like this. I agree. To use the words of "Baby" in "Dirty Dancing"; ... but most of all I am afraid of never feeling the way I feel when I'm with you...
I think it went something like that.

My friends are great. Karin called to my flat after work. She brought chinese take-away with her, for me. But Malin was coming, so I feel I chased her out the door. (Sorry Karin, I didn't mean to! I was just a bit "crazy" there, sad and crying, and trying not to. I don't think I know what I said. ) Then Hege came, she too had food with her for me. Then Rønnaug came too. She stayed until 9. Unfortunately I have been unable to eat anything today. My stomach is acting a bit loony. I call it the "dreading something stomach ache". Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Not that there is any immediate emergency followed by me not eating *lol*

I am worn out.

Have to get some sleep, I am so tired my eyes sting and I can't see what I'm typing.

I don't want to sleep. Or I don't want to lie in bed. It''s all too quiet then, and unwanted thoughts start wandering about in my big, silly, unloveable, totally in love with the wrong man, head.

Monsoon I want to be a robot!!!!