with being able to stay put there. I feel that I am walking around in a weird mental state, where nothing ever seems to fit. Oh God, I can't even write anymore. I haven't a clue what to write about. I am blank. My mind is dead, wasted, formatted, like another harddrive... I can't write, learn, do maths, and I can't be me. I am someone else. At least that's what I feel like anyways... FAKE FAKE FAKE! And I hate it. I can't stand to be fake. I need reality. I need truth and honesty. But also; I desperately need to cop on and start taking care of myself in this. I can't let this destroy the journey I have started. Never mind him, he doesn't care about me at all so... So... Why the hell do I care so much about him then?!? Someone, please tell me. I am screwed! (I wish...!?!? No, I'm kidding... *lol*) My mind, my thoughts, my words, my actions are all one big karaoke song. I have heard, seen, and experienced it all, at least one thousand times before.
So I guess what I really need is a change of scenery, right? New people, and a new place where he is nowhere to be seen. Somewhere where he isn't. A place where I don't long for him to see me, to talk, and to smile to me... Sounds like heaven. Right now I hate him cause I love him so much. Does that make sense? No, nothing I have written here makes sense. I am jabbering....
By the way: I am fucking over-sick of my typing mistakes. I ALWAYS write ahve instead of have, ahte instead of hate, htat instead of that, and more. I am so annoyed by it you wouldn't beleive it. beleive/believe, well there you go... another word that I frequently type wrong. Bollix!
Ok. It is very clear that it's soon that time of the month. I cried during a "Friends" episode today. So, it was the episode where Ross and Rachel brakes up cause he had slept with the Xerox girl with the belly button ring, but it is a sit-com, not drama... I am over dramatic these days. Over-tired is another word. It is 23.50. My eyes sting, but do I go to bed? Oh no!!! Must not go to bed whilst being tired, must wait till the over-tiredness kicks in, then we go to bed. And what do we end up doing then? Yes... Thaaat's right; we daydream about things that never, ever, ever will happen, which makes us sad. For me this usually means twisting and turning in bed until I cave and get up, to do the one thing that relaxes me. Aren't we the smart ones?
One of my best friends, Stina, got really bad news yesterday. She found out that one of her friends have cancer. (I don't know this friend...) Terrible. It's so hard to know what to say in circumstances like that. I can't imagine how it must feel like, for all of those involved, and for the girl who got the message last Friday that she has cancer. Makes one think. Life is fragile. Really fragile, and you never know what might happen. It also makes me incredibly glad that I am living fairly healthy and loosing weight. Cause if I didn't I would probably die much sooner than what I had planned. You know from a heartattack or something... If I never met him I would still be 21 kilos more, if not even more. So despite that he is "killing me softly with his being", one good thing has come out of this. Yea! (yeah like I am really able to focus on that fact now... not yet ...)
Ok. Enough already! Shut up Eilen, and go to frickin bed, will you.
Monsoon :-) - who will work hard and get that 5 mark in math -
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