I don't want kids of my own, so kill me!

Yeah isn’t it great. I am feeling so incredibly attractive today. Or was it in fact the opposite? Yes, it was… I remember now… Woke up feeling like a bloated “explode-able” creature + + more… Also missed my ex. In a few days we would have an anniversary… blargh! So I went to my parents’ house, to get my mind on something else.
But the ugly feeling stuck. I blame my period. I feel like this every month. I am so bloated that I look like a balloon. It’s unfair. I am so fat, and then my body retains water like it’s a fucking sponge or something. Why? My fingers look like fat little sausages because of this. And if that wasn’t enough; I have gotten a huge disgusting cold-sore on my lip/mouth area. Yess! Just what I needed; more “spot look-alikes” to complement the rest of me. I am hot! Haha! Ah, I am not depressed; I am actually smiling right now. I don’t take myself so seriously. I definitely have the ability to laugh at my own amusing tragic looks and situation.

Have been to granda’s birthday party. It was great! Got lots of good laughs. Some of my relatives are hysterical. Especially my uncle, well he is married to my aunt, but I call him uncle… Even if he isn’t more than 14 years older than me. Even younger than the man I fancy… We actually discussed my taste in men today. Wow, what a surprise… Don’t know why that is so darn interesting to everyone, but the subject always seems to come up.

Mum “forced me” to tell about the phone call I got this autumn. Whilst living in Ireland I went out with this man called John. He was 34 and I was 20. I really liked him, but he dumped me… Then this autumn, I think it was in September, I got a phone call. The voice on the other side said: Hi Eilen, I am ringing from Ireland, can you hear who it is?” And I could… It was John. It was 11 years since we dated, but he had kept my letters. I was hard to forget (he said.. yeah right I thought…), and he had regretted it ever since then that he didn’t continue seeing me. He had huge problems with an ex fiancée at the time you see… Well, I don’t know what to believe, and frankly I don’t give a shite. But anyhow… he wanted to meet me, to see if we could hit it off… He was coming to Norway, but I wasn’t really up for it, so I said thanks, but no thanks… I have to say that I was a bit shocked afterwards. Never thought something like that would happen to me. Could I make a lasting impression on someone?!? Hmm… apparently.

Every time the family gathers like that I feel like the geek and the fat single boring spinster, who everybody feels sorry for cause I am alone. Even my 14 year old cousin has a boyfriend. God! So of my grandparents’ 8 grandchildren, who in age spans from 14 to 34, I am the only single one. (My brother is semi-single…) And another thing; I am the only without an education. We have teachers crawling all over the place…. My aunt is a teacher and her daughter too. Well, I will have an education in 3, 5 years as well. Yea!!

It’s true that I don’t like being single all that much, but it’s just cause I haven’t gotten used to it. And probably also because I am in love with him. You know what really gets to me?
People who judge me just because I have a different view on many things than most people. Like marriage and children. I have never dreamt about that beautiful wedding dress, walking down the aisle, and I have never wanted to have children. I love kids. So it’s not that I hate them. I am also extremely great with children, and in Ireland I was so sought after as a babysitter, that for some time I had jobs every bloody evening… I just don’t want any myself. Many people have great problems with respecting that, and call me selfish. Nothing makes me angrier than that sentence. Don’t try to tell me that couples who get babies aren’t doing it to satisfy some need in themselves. The baby didn’t ask to be born… Whatever one choses, neither is more selfish!

My wish for myself is that I find me someone who gets me, who loves me, who desires me, who is fun to be with and who can be really silly sometimes, but also serious and committed. (of course right now that means him, cause he even brings out the best in me, and that is a very rare thing I’m telling you. I have never met anyone who has done that to me, ever before! )

I am listening to Pete's song "let my love open the door". I so love it! And now it's "behind blue eyes" Equally fab!

Hugs - Monsoon - :-)