I took this picture just outside my front door while living at Bekkelaget in Oslo. I looked outside and saw this fantastic sky and clouds, and ran to find my camera to capture it. The lamp post kinda destroys the picture, but the colours are still strong and fabulous!
Wish my life was like a bit like this picture; dramatic, colourful and intriguing. But, life isn't picture perfect. Life is nothing like perfection. It's filled with ups and downs, struggles, pain, but luckily some happiness and good times too.
New shocker today. Logged into www.gaysir.no to check my account to see if I had gotten any messages. There is this feature in there that you can use to be "in the spotlight", you know to highlight yourself. Today my ex was featured there, and together with her picture a text where she proposed to her new girlfriend. I just sat there, petrified staring at the text, and then I started to laugh. I have to say I find it odd. Later on, just now, her girlfriend had answered in there, and she said yes. Good for them. I just hope it turns out well for them. But at the same time: sod off! I am jealous, but not beacuse I want my ex. I am jealous because I love someone I can't have.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah well, somewhere over the rainbow I too will find someone who fancies me back, or will I?! What if I don't? What if there is something completely unloveable about me? Too scary a thought to let myself ponder upon it. Do not go there!
Darkened out these days. It's all due to one fact. One terrible and horrendous fact. In a month's time I will most likely never see Bob again. I know that in the long run that is the best thing that can happen. I mean he will never love me, so I might as well get over him, right. But the very thought of it pains me more than I am able to describe.
At the same time it's pissing down with rain, I feel a bit lonely, I have PMS, my flat needs to be tidied (blargh!) and I am eating sweets and being weak and disgusting. (stress related due to Bob and exams) I hate the way I am behaving right now. Selfpity. Yuk! It is vile, and I don't want to be that "me". I promise I will get up off my fat huge arse tomorrow and exercise, and stop eating out of control. If I want my life to be the way Bob has "showed" me, I will have to get a grip. Try to hold on to that feeling, the strength he "gave" me, and so on. I must believe in myself and also never forget that I am worth it.
Why am I worth it? Because I want to participate in life. Really enjoy living. I mean truly enjoy it. I am sick of feeling like I am merely observing everybody else's lives, like from a sideline. Seize the day you silly twat, and make the most of it.
Monsoon
5 comments:
Sending you a hug because it sounds like you could use one.
You're terrific. So there. ;-)
Thanks!
yeah... I kinda did need it...
Monsoon :-)
Sorry about all of this. Keep your chin up, things will turn around. Good luck.
Gary
Funker dette da? Testing, testing.
Så hun skal gifte seg! Må si det var en smule sjokkerende, ja. Får håpe, som du sier, at det går bra.
Ok, me ringest.
Hi Monsoon!
So sorry to hear about all this stuff.
I know how you feel though. We've all been there. Life isn't easy, I know.
I can especially relate to weight issues, believe me. It's so hard - I eat for lots of reasons, but I never really realized the emotional reasons behind eating until recently.
I always ran from my feelings, but now I am learning to feel them, and it's amazing, but they don't last - I will tune in and say, "oh, I'm bored, or Oh, I'm sad, or Oh, I miss my mom (she died last year)." The first step is becoming aware...I'm also being realistic about my weight - I don't harbor any illusions about being skinny (who gives a fuck about that? I don't), but I want to get to a weight where I don't HATE my reflection in the mirror.
I have been working out for about 2 months and I feel great - but it's a real struggle getting to the gym..alot of the times I don't think I'm going to finish my workout, but once I do, I feel so empowered and that carries into my everyday life...I feel more confident and happy and sociable.
I know it's really really hard to get going, but if you start excercising you WILL feel bucketloads better. You can start slowly - that's what I did.
But do it for yourself! The act of helping yourself will help get you out of your funk.
You can email me anytime if you want!
Take care and be positive. Always!
Sue
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