life

And now for something completely different, or!?

Monday I talked to my ex-girlfriend, hereafter called IM. I was nervous, because I was going to try to get her talking about us and what we had. Well, not talk as in "I want you back", more like as in "I want to move forward".

I have never been able to ask for her forgiveness before. Other times I have tried to do so she has replied "bygones", in a most nonchalant voice, like it never meant anything to her.
But now that it's been 4 months since we really broke up, she was able to receive my apology. I cried afterwards. Cried because I was relieved and I felt that I could finally let her go. She is happy now, she has someone who wants the same in life as she does.

IM and I had a fantastic relationship in many ways, but it lacked some serious things as well. We had one really big disagreement, which was that she wanted children, and I didn't. To her this was really important, and she utterly needed kids in her life. As for me; not so much. I never wanted kids. (for the record; I love kids, and they totally love me, but I just don't want my own...) Compromise? No! One might compromise over a sofa, a car, and even a pet, but you just do not compromise over having a child or not.

To me there were other aspects with the relationship that weren't right. And for her too. But we always just kinda overlooked those problems, and never faced them. I think neither of us could imagine life without the other. We were soo close! And so damn addicted of each other's company. We never even once went shopping without the other one. A bit insane actually... But, like I've said before; we met at a very vulnerable time for both of us, and we needed that comfort during those years. But not anymore. We're stronger now, we're more confident, and we are ready to "face the enemy".

So then it happened. Just like that I fell in love with someone else. I never forget the day I realized that this is for real. Terror! Never in a million years had I thought this would happen to me. I am always so faithful, but now I found myself thinking about Bob 24-7. He was, and still is, on my mind all the fucking time. He must be tired from running up there in my brain. *lol*. Kidding aside; I felt terrible, but at the same time I felt great, and more alive since forever. The way he makes me feel, without us being involved at all, is unbelievable. He has given me faith in myself, and my own capability, and also that I'm worth the effort. It's very hard to explain. But he brings out the best in me, in all ways possible. And that is even without him saying or doing anything special. He has, at least before, told me that I am intelligent and well-spoken, and for some reason; when he says so, I believe it.

It was probably for the best that IM dumped me. I don't think any of us were totally happy with how things were. I now think that my crush gave us the right perspective, and it forced us to take a long hard look on what we had, and to whether we were content in the relationship or not. As is turned out; we weren't. For me a good sign that something is wrong is if one of you fall in love outside the relationship. If everything is grand you have no reason to look elsewhere. You don't shop around, unconsciously or deliberately, if you're truly happy where you are. Of course; crushes might occur in life, but when the crushes turn into love and last way too long for a crush, then it's time to take a look. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you should break up, obviously not. But to re-examine and to see what you might be lacking... Right? This is merely my opinion...

But I feel so much better after the talk on Monday. It's like a burden was taken off my shoulders. I am ready to really let go of her, and to appreciate what we had, and what we meant to each other those years.

I haven't seen her in almost 5 months now. But as atumn comes we have agreed to meet. You see she studies the same as I will be studying. She starts her second year as I start my first, and to meet in the halls at school for the first time in almost a year, would be too awkward.

Bob is still lovely. Just cut his hair, oh boy! So sexy! He is incomprehensibly fantastic as a person. I only wish I could have gotten to know him much better. Somehow I just feel hugely connected to him, even when no words are spoken. Peculiar...

I am in a good mood today. Hopefully the Spanish mock will go well tomorrow, better than the math. Fuck my silly dimwit brains that can't even do "percentage maths" right.

Monsoon *singing along to a song called Undiscovered*