What a day. I am an emotional wreck right now. For fuck sake, give me a break. This last week has been true torture as my to my cravings for sweets. Every day has been a struggle to avoid going to Narvesen (it's like 7-11) to buy sweets. From school to the trainstation I have to walk by two of these kiosks. I can just feel the urge to run in and buy ten bars of chocolate, but I haven't given in to the urge. I have been strong. And for that I applaud myself!
But the worst day has been today. I have been aggressive, "high", restless and could not sit still, and my mind was filled with one thought, (for a change this wasn't Bob) and that was sweets. I have felt mad, out of control, weird, disgusting, hateful over my own "madness", sick and tired of the whole thing. I just want to have a normal relationship with sweets. How come that isn't achievable? It probably is, but at days like this everything seems impossible.
Eva was here, and she said to me: You're a bit crazy. Yeah I know. But; it's been months since the urge was this big, and that shows that the addiction is not as strong as it used to be. A little over a year ago I had days like this at least 5 days a week. Horrible!
So for the positive: I was able to not buy or eat sweets today. I didn't drive up to the kiosk to buy some of my "drugs". Yea! I am so glad Eva was here. I think I would have gone even more insane without her. Thanks sweety!
One funny thing over the past year has been that the very thought of Bob has made me not want to eat all the time. He just, without knowing it, makes me want to take care of myself. And somehow he makes me feel like I'm worth it. Don't know why, but I am grateful anyways. He is the most wonderful man ever. I should be so lucky as to be with him for the rest of my life. But, that's never going to happen. I hope though, that I might find someone similar, someone else who brings out the best in me. There's so much more to him than that of course... I am not very optimistic, I have to admit that. I mean, it took me 30,5 years to find my dream. So how long will it take for me to find someone who I can be half as attracted to, that I really really like, and who makes me feel the way he does? Hmm...
I hope I'm not a hopeless case.
But, at least I'm doing great at school. I got a 5 + on my most dreaded mathtest. (6 is the best). I was very pleased, cause I never thought I would get such a good grade. I am very glad that I spent Thursday doing maths, cause that gave my quite a few aha-experiences, and I finally understood some of it. Had Spanish oral test too. I was just in-between a 5 and a 6. There is just that little extra needed for the 6, and I just know that I can do it. I am usually very good at speaking like that. It's just that I've just learned Spanish since September, and it's not all that easy to show brilliance as a speaker when you're so fresh in the language. I hope I'll get there!
My mum told me yesterday how proud she was of me, and of my scholar achievements. That meant a lot to me. It's great feeling intelligent. I have never thought of myself as a very smart person before. But that's something the last year has taught me as well. I can do anything. Of course, that's Bob's doing too. *lol* He is a magician.
I am now gong into the livingroom to read in my history magazine that I've had no time for lately.
Hugs and love from Monsoon, who thankfully is back to normal now... Phew!
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