He is a true temtation

I nearly fell to the floor when I first saw him today, that's how unbelievably hot he was. He wore my favourite pants and all! The pilot pants. So yummy! I just wanted to ask him: "Are you trying to kill me, or what?" *lol* Everything about him was perfect today. How great it must be to be that gorgeous! I bet that throughout his life he has been fighting women off all the time. And he probably left several girls heartbroken when he tied the knot. When he is around, I cannot get myself to stop smiling. He makes me happy, and he makes me want to live life at the fullest. I have never met anyone like him. Wow. I have so much care and love for him, that it scares me. No words will ever suffice to describe him. It's not possible. Can you tell I am totally in love? And it's all for nothing. Lovely. But, at least I know that I will get over him one day.

When I came home today I had pancakes and bacon waiting for me at my parents house. I usually eat there every Tuesday. I don't mind. Mum's cooking is great.

I am very sensitive today. Awfully aware of my vulnerability. I think that I am having huge problems with dealing with my own emotional deceit towards my ex. I can't forgive myself for falling in love with someone else. And furthermore; continuing to be in love with him when my feelings so obviously were going to destroy my relationship with Inger Marie. But, I have to ask myself this: If everything was at its place, If I totally and utterly loved only her, if that relationship was the best for both of us, would I have fallen in love with someone else? I think the answer is no. A crush could have happened, and it wouldn't have interfered at all. A crush can be a little and innocent zest in life. But this was never a crush. Although I thought it to be, at least for 5 months. It just took me a good while to admit up to that unattainable love...

I can feel the want to cry. My throat is sore, because I try to swallow the urge. But I am sick of crying. So sick I can't begin to explain! And especially when in reality I am quite happy. Why this urge to cry then? Where does it stem from? Panicking? Scared I will never meet someone who will fancy me? Scared I will remain fat and unwanted for the rest of my life? Scared I will turn into a bitter old bitch at 85, complaining about life in my stinking flat, which I share with 14 cats? Scared I won't be smart and intelligent enough to finish my education? Scared I won't ever have sex again? Scared I will end up resentful and regretful for the things I never dared to do?For God's sake; it can't turn out like that. I don't have to be fat, and I will meet someone, I'm sure. But, of course, there's always that pessimistic voice at the back of my head... Don't we love it? But to my luck: I am not all that pessimistic. In fact; I am mostly optimistic. Usually life is quite good, and well worth living!

It's late again. As always. Tomorrow at school I am going to try, and I emphasize try, to help a fellow student with some maths. We're having a test on Friday. For the first time I am considering not going to school. I am not able to do graphs, and I will possibly fail the bloody test. But, I will most likely go to school, conscientious as I am.

Take care you lot! I know I will! Going to bed, hoping for sweet dreams :-)

Monsoon