There you go. I am out. For you who have no idea what I am talking about, which is most of you; sorry but I can't tell you what it means. It is terrible, and it's something that has been part of my life for almost 2 years. To let that go is terror right now. But, I can tell you that it has to do with the e-mail I sent to Bob. Apparently he has done what I asked him to, or at least I think he has. Could be someone else as well, but whatever. However I think he is the one who has to carry it out… I bet it is the biggest relief of his life. Sadly. Yet that would be a very normal reaction, due to the circumstances. I feel really empty and chaotic. I don't want to let go, I just want everything to be fine. It is nearly half past 1 in the morning, so now it is Saturday.
I am lost for words, as no word could ever suffice in describing the feeling I have inside me right now. So I will try to get some sleep. New day tomorrow, and I have to do some studying. God; let me be cold, insensitive, hard and robot-like. How much easier would life be then? Living it like some hardened bitch? Better? No, probably not, although the thought is appealing at times. It would just be wonderful to have the ability to turn off ones emotions and vulnerabilities when they were unwanted.
Monsoon
3 comments:
Hi! Yes I know that it will pass. Or I don't really, beacause I've never felt like this for anyone before. So right now it's all just utterly horrible. But you are right; I do need strength to carry on, and I do know that I have that inside me. I just have to get it out...
Yep, life suck and then you die, isn't that the case eh? *lol*
Sweetheart, I really hope this helps you move to the next phase, whatever that might be.
As for not feeling and being like a robot, as much as pain can hurt it never hurts as much as not feeling - the absence of feeling (ie existing rather than living) hurts more than anything in the world.
There is a meditation called 'I love doggie doo on my shoe' in my favorite Barefoot Doctor book (handbook for the urban warrior) and basically it celebrates all the feelings of life, even the bad stuff because any feeling reminds us that we are alive.
love and big hugs to you
Moxie
xxx
If you need to talk, I'm there - as I'm sure most people reading this blog are. I'm rooting for ya, hon! :D
Hugs,
Elise
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